Chapter 50 #2
At that same moment, Ian walks in. “Why would I be pissed?”
Killian gets up, crosses his arms over his chest, and aims a castigating look at me.
I cover the kitten again when Ian rounds the kitchen island to see what’s going on.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I found it in the garden. It was stuck in the rose bushes and didn’t look well. It’s hungry.”
I tense up when Ian crouches beside me and lifts my hand. Unlike Killian, he’s gentle and places my hand in my lap instead of taking it in a punishing grip. His hands look even bigger than usual when he reaches down to scratch the kitten on top of its head.
“Have you gotten it to drink anything?”
“A little, but only from my finger. It’s too weak to drink from a bowl, and it wouldn’t touch it when I tried a teaspoon.”
“Wait here. I have an idea.” Ian gets up and leaves me alone with a scowling Killian.
“Pissed... right.” I cast him an incredulous look, then add under my breath, “You’re just pissed you’re not getting your way.”
He doesn’t say anything, just keeps watching. It’s unnerving the way he stares me down, but I ignore him, dipping my finger into the milk again and bringing it to the kitten’s mouth. It eagerly laps at my finger, and I smile despite the menacing man trying to ruin the moment.
A few minutes later, Ian returns to sit at my side and hands me a small, needle-less syringe. “Try this.”
I fill the syringe with milk and bring it to the kitten’s mouth.
“Not too fast, just one drop at a time,” Ian instructs.
I gently press the plunger, releasing one drop at a time, and the kitten eagerly laps up the milk. “It works,” I say and glance at Ian, a bright smile tipping up my lips.
“Good job,” he says with a warm tone that calms my heart. Turning his attention to Killian, who’s still watching with an irritated scowl etched between his brows, he asks, “Can you go to the pet store and see if you can find a feeding bottle?”
Killian finally breaks free from his cross-armed stance, but only to hold his hands up in dismissal. “I’m not getting involved in this shit.” With that, he turns and leaves.
Ian sighs and gives the kitten another scratch. “He used to love animals.”
I don’t respond; I don’t know how. The unresolved tension lingers between us.
Letting his hand drift from the kitten to my hand, he carefully touches the scratches. “You need to take care of your hands, Jenna. Why didn’t you come get me?”
I lift my shoulders. “I was afraid it would be too long—that the kitten would be gone when I came back.” Saying it out loud, I realize how stupid it sounds now. The kitten was stuck, unable to go anywhere. I sigh when Ian frowns. “I just needed to get it out, okay? It was hurt. And scared.”
Ian brushes his knuckles over my cheek. “You really are a sweet little one. But I want you to take care of yourself. If your hands were hurt worse, it might have put a pin in the competition.”
A bitter sense of betrayal twists my stomach. “That’s all you care about,” I mutter under my breath, lowering my head, sinking into my own little bubble with the kitten.
Ian grabs my chin and levels me with a stern look. “That’s not true at all.”
I’m not sure where my anger comes from. A residue from when Killian was here?
Or maybe it’s because I know Ian’s desire to take care of me has an expiration date on it that’s closing in fast. All the old hurt and insecurities rush to the surface, making me accuse, “Isn’t it?
It’s all you’ve ever cared about—getting Killian to win every single competition.
You ruined my life to make sure he kept winning. ”
Something terrifying flashes across his face. His eyes darken, and his jaw tics with an anger I’ve never before seen on him. It makes me flinch, thinking he’s going to slap me. But then he leans in and pulls my head to his chest.
“I did,” he says, cradling me with that aching protectiveness that makes me want to forget about everything that is and was and just melt into him.
But I remain stiff as his admission and the memory of the consequence remain stuck in my mind.
He holds me like that for a minute, and it’s only because I don’t want to scare the kitten that I don’t try to pull away.
Finally, he releases me and leans away to watch me, but I aim my attention down at the fluffy creature as he speaks, refusing to keep accepting what he did—the blackmail and manipulation, five years ago, five months ago.
“I can’t undo what I did back then,” he finally says. A well of soft emotion is about to make me turn my wide eyes up at him, but then he adds, “I also can’t say I regret it.”
Hurt bears down on my chest. A weight so violent it threatens to crush all the trust and intimacy we’ve built. But once again, he turns it around with only a few words.
“Because then we wouldn’t be where we are now.”
I tighten my hold on the syringe, tears springing to my eyes.
I want to face him and let his sincerity pull me in.
I want to forgive him for everything and let go of all the hurt and anger.
But I can’t. I can’t let myself be that weak and fall for his sweet words yet again.
There’s no way of knowing whether he truly means them.
Because Ian would do anything for Killian.
Manipulate and break me. How do I know that’s not what he’s doing once again?
“You’re just saying that to manipulate me.”
“No,” he says with urgency. He grabs my head between his hands.
“No more manipulation. I want you, Jenna. With Killian and me. Or just with me if he doesn’t want to be part of it.
Not just because of the competition. Because of this.
” He nods down at the kitten. “Your beautiful, caring, vulnerable soul. Because you’d rather hurt yourself than risk a defenseless kitten getting lost. Because of your honest and open submission.
Because of your deep, inherent strength. ”
“I’m not strong,” I say, shutting my eyes as a tear spills over.
“Oh yes, you are. Maybe not in a conventional way, but in the way that counts. You took a chance and came here to pursue your dreams, even knowing the risks.”
“I had no choice.”
“Yes, you did. You could have easily returned to your life—continued waitressing and become a paralegal.”
“My boss was about to fire me. I had no choice,” I insist.
“Don’t sell yourself short. You know as well as I do that he would have kept you on if you dropped the piano and refocused your energy on your job. You didn’t agree to this arrangement because you didn’t have a choice.”
Shame washing over me, I squeeze my eyes shut. He’s right. I chose this. “I hate myself for that,” I say in a bitter voice.
Ian gives my head a shake. “Look at me.”
I peel my eyes open at his urgent tone.
“Don’t ever say that again.”
More tears spill over, trailing down my cheeks. “I just came straight back, to the men who ruined my life, to be humiliated and treated as property. Who does that?”
“Someone who wants more. Someone who has the courage to risk everything to get it. You wanted more out of life—to feel and to experience beauty. Music. Dominance and submission. You knew you could get all that here.”
“Yeah, at the risk of being destroyed.”
“Exactly. That’s what makes you so strong. Strength doesn’t come from following the easy path. Strength comes from the willingness to take risks and face danger. You risked it all.”
My chest shakes with a long exhale. I never saw it that way, but as I soak up the certainty in Ian’s expression—maybe even admiration—things start to shift.
The kernel of confidence he has already planted in me and watered repeatedly finally starts to take root.
It doesn’t fix the uncertainty of my situation or the hurt of Killian’s constant rejections, but it allows me to lean into the moment and Ian’s strength and hope that somehow he’ll find a way for us to be together.
“Good girl,” Ian says with a warm smile, sensing that I’m finally taking his words to heart. “Now, give me the kitten and let me help you up.”
I gingerly transfer the now sleeping kitten to his hand.
It looks so fragile in his big, veiny paw.
But safe too. As he takes my hand in the other and helps me up, I remember that’s exactly how I feel with him too.
Fragile, but safe. It’s not a new feeling, but at this moment, it feels more real than it ever has before.
For the first time, I truly, deep down, believe that he wants me.
***
Ian tends to my cut hands, cleaning and bandaging them, then spends the rest of the day helping me take care of the kitten.
He takes us to the vet and the pet store, then clears a corner in the living room for a cat bed and a scratching post. Finally, he orders pizza, which we eat on the couch while we watch one of my favorite rom-coms.
We don’t talk about much besides the kitten—what to call it, how to take care of it, and how it reminds me of Nan’s cats.
A heavy somberness lingers between us. Things that should be said and addressed.
But neither of us is willing to go there, knowing it might burst the flimsy bubble of closeness and connection we’ve sunk into.
When we’re lying in his bed at night, the kitten—which I decided to name Ginny after one of Nan’s cats—asleep in the living room, the silence stretches heavy between us.
We just lie there for a long while, me with my head on Ian’s chest, him holding me tight and stroking my arm, neither of us sleeping.
I want to apologize for running off earlier, and I want to tell him all the things I’ve been bottling up lately, but I don’t have it in me to face all those heavy emotions right now, so I ask about something safe instead.
“Do you ever miss playing concerts?”
Ian stops stroking me, resting his hand on my arm. “Not really. I’m quite satisfied with my life as it is. I play all I want here, and I perform a few concerts a year. That’s enough.”
“But weren’t you touring all the time when Killian was little?”
“I was.” He pauses. His voice is raw with guilt when he continues. “I had to get away from his mom.”
Suddenly, that somberness is back, but this time, it’s easier to bear since it doesn’t seem to hang between us, rather around us—in a past that’s not relevant to our future. I stroke gentle circles on his chest, hoping I can lend him some of the same comfort he always gives me. “Why?”
He draws a long sigh, full of years of hurt and regret.
“I was selfish. I couldn’t stand seeing how infatuated she was with the bottle—seeing her choose it over me.
” The darkness of the room seems to open up for an honesty I hadn’t expected.
“I fled,” Ian admits with aching sincerity.
“I was a coward. I refused to acknowledge that I wasn’t the only one she had pushed aside in favor of the bottle.
And Killian got to pay for that. I’ve been trying to make up for it ever since.
Stopping touring was the easiest decision I ever made.
But I don’t think anything I did truly made up for it. The damage had been done.”
His hand tightens around my arm, the grip full of hurt. I keep stroking him, leaning into him, knowing there’s nothing I can say to make it better. All I can do is be here for him.
After a while, when the worst of his tension starts to drain, I ask, “Was there a time when you loved her?”
He shakes his head. “I tried. I really did. But the truth is that I only married her because she got pregnant with Killian.” He props his head on his elbow, watching me through the darkness with an earnestness that nearly steals my breath.
“I’ve only ever loved one woman.” His gaze drifts down to my mouth and back, and his lips part and close as if he’s about to say something.
I can barely breathe when he leans over me and turns on the bedside lamp. His gaze is even starker in the soft light as he once again leans over me and speaks with a grave seriousness that goes straight to my heart.
“Jenna, I want you in my life. After the competition. I’m not sure how it’s going to work.
I can’t let you stay here if Killian is not comfortable with it.
He’s my son. I have to do what’s right for him.
But I’m not letting you go. I promise you that.
And this is not an empty promise I can’t keep. If you’ll have me, I’m staying.”
Tears spring to my eyes, sudden and overwhelming. I can’t believe what he’s saying. I bring my bandaged hand to my eyes, but Ian gently nudges it away and brushes his own fingers across my cheeks to catch the tears that are already spilling.
“Don’t say things you don’t mean.” A stab of pain spears my chest at the memory of his response the last time I said something similar.
“I mean it, Jenna. You’re the best thing that has happened to me in years.
Killian and you—not just him—are what matters most to me.
I’ll find a way to make room for you both.
I promise that. I won’t let Killian get between us.
He’s my son, but he’s also a grown man. He’ll have to find a way to deal with it. ”
My eyes fall shut. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. He’s putting me first. For the first time, I’m what truly matters to another person. And not just anyone, but this caring, powerful, amazing man. My chest swells with emotion, more tears pebbling from my closed eyes.
Leaning in, Ian presses his lips to my cheeks, kissing away the tears, wrapping me in tender care.
His hand slips into my hair, curving around my nape, tender yet firm.
Bringing his lips close to mine, he hovers a breath away.
“I’m done waiting,” he whispers, his exhale tickling my skin, his words swooshing through me with anticipation.
I open my eyes, falling captive to the claim of his gaze. “For what?”