Chapter 8
CHAPTER EIGHT
R onan
This house gets louder every damn day. I swear it’s noisier than when my brothers and I lived here as kids with our parents. How that’s possible is beyond me since it’s literally half the number of people here now, and two of them don’t even know how to speak yet.
Then again, maybe Theo knows how to talk by now. I’m not sure. I haven’t spent more than a few seconds around him since I came here to stay, so he could be reciting the goddamned Gettysburg Address by now and I wouldn’t know.
I glance over at the window and see it’s another beautiful sunny day. Not that what it looks like outside matters to me. I don’t go out, so what the fuck do I care what it looks like out there?
Since I don’t need to have the weather reminding me of that fact, I should ask Eleanor to put up those room darkening curtains Marius had in his room when he was going through that phase of his when he would only leave his room at night. It didn’t last long. Maybe eight months right after high school. He claimed it helped him focus on his art, but I always suspected it had something to do with that girlfriend of his at the time who he spent all night talking to on the phone.
My door opens, again without anyone knocking, and I see Eleanor come in with my lunch. All smiles, like I’m sure she thinks is necessary, she sets the tray with what looks like some kind of sandwich and potato chips along with a glass of soda on my dresser and turns to face me.
“I made you a ham and cheese sandwich, just like you used to love when you were a boy.”
Since I doubt she needs me to compliment her on that, I don’t say a word. Eleanor’s a good person, but her tendency to be so damn happy around me gets under my skin sometimes.
“Okay, well, I need to get back downstairs since Ava and Matthias decided to have lunch with the boys today out at the pool. They’re getting ready right now with their sunscreen and hats to shield them from the sun. I want to make sure they have everything they need.”
Again, nothing I feel the need to respond to, but as she walks toward the door, I do have one question I need answered to satisfy my curiosity. “Is Theo talking yet?”
Eleanor stops and gives me an odd look. “The baby? Oh, not yet, but I think any day now,” she answers with far more enthusiasm than I expected.
I nod, not knowing what else to say to that. So the kid isn’t speaking yet. I guess that’s normal since he’s not even a year old?
“I’m sure you’d have a great time if you came outside and spent some time with him. He’s a lovely child. In many ways, he reminds me of you, Ronan. Always smiling. I remember when you were a baby. I swear you always had a smile on your face.”
She would continue gushing about little Theo and me as a baby if I encouraged her, but the last thing I want to hear about is how fucking happy I always was. Those days are gone. I have nothing to be happy about anymore.
I turn away to face the window, and Eleanor gets the hint I don’t want to talk. I hear the sadness in her voice when she tells me to just let her know if I need anything before closing the door behind her and leaving me alone.
She and everyone else have no idea how much I wish I was still by myself at my apartment. They won’t let me go back there, though. Not after what I tried in April.
I listen to my brother and his happy family get ready like they’re going on a ten-mile hike. They’re walking out to the pool in the backyard, not going up Everest. Yeah, the estate is huge, but it’s not like the pool isn’t less than fifty yards from the back of the house. What the hell are they doing that requires them to make so much noise?
Not interested enough to go find out, I pad across the room to get my lunch. Maybe today I’ll eat standing up instead of in bed. I’m pretty tired of spending all my time there anyway.
Is that a pun? Tired of being in bed? No, probably not.
As I take the first bite of my ham and cheese sandwich I have to admit is pretty good, I question if I’m starting to lose my mind since I’ve taken to asking myself if I’m thinking up puns. Eight weeks here after a couple weeks in the psych ward at the hospital, and it feels like forever. No wonder I’m starting to get a little squirrely.
I’ll never forget my brothers’ faces when they came to see me in the hospital. Now there was a loud place. All that screaming, and that one guy who punched the wall so many times they had to restrain him. I’d never been around people like that.
But their faces. Matthias just looked worried. Then again, he always looks that way since he took over King Industries. Marius looked lost. I’d never seen him look like that. Like he didn’t know what to do or what to say. He mainly stood near the door when they all came to see me. Not that I blame him. I wouldn’t have wanted to visit that place either.
Kellen was the worst. Maybe it’s because he’s finally happy now that he has Salem, or maybe it’s because we’ve always been best friends since we were the two youngest in the family, but whatever the reason, damn, he looked crushed seeing me there. He kept having to turn away, and when he was able to get a few words out, it sounded like he was choking on them.
I hated seeing them like that. Worst of all, no matter what their faces were saying, I know they were scared. Even when our mother died, they didn’t look like that. Not when our father died either. I guess we all knew we had one another, so we’d be okay.
And then I slit my fucking arm and they couldn’t think that anymore. After losing Theo, that must have freaked them out.
If only Marius hadn’t found me that day when I did it. Everyone would be better off if he didn’t decide to stop by and see how I was doing. He wouldn’t be fucking scarred for life. Matthias and Ava wouldn’t have to keep me here so they can watch over me. And Kellen could be his happy-go-lucky self again.
“Hey, Ava sent me up to ask if you want to come outside. Any chance of that?”
Just the sound of that babysitter’s voice makes me want to throw something. Does this person ever fucking knock? You’d swear she was part of my family. They rarely knock either.
I spin around to see Sabrina standing over near my bedroom door in white shorts and a pink t-shirt waiting for my answer, but she’s about to get a whole lot more than that. “I see Ava either didn’t mention that I didn’t want to be bothered, or you ignored that. Nice.”
“She did, but then she asked me to come up to invite you out to lunch. You do see the dilemma, right?”
This person irritates me to no end.
“No, but that doesn’t matter. Maybe you need to hear it come from my mouth, so here goes. I don’t want to see you in my room. I don’t care what anyone asks you to do. Go away, and don’t come back. Am I clear enough now?”
“Crystal. Jeez, you really are a miserable bastard. No wonder that girl ran out of here crying. You’re a real charmer.”
My mouth drops open as I stand in amazement at how fucking rude this person is. Did I ask to be bothered? No. I just want to be left alone. Why doesn’t anyone understand that?
And how dare she mention Kate and what happened yesterday?
She walks out of my room before I can tell her what I think of her opinion, so I follow her out into the hallway, intending on cluing her in on how I don’t give a damn what she thinks. She’s halfway down the stairs by the time I get out there, but that’s not going to stop me.
Not today. Today, I’m going to make sure my family and whoever this babysitter person is understand don’t bother me means just that.
Do. Not. Fucking. Bother. Me.
I see her marching through the house out to the backyard, so I pick up the pace and do the same. Along the way, I see that thing little Theo rolls around in. What do they call those things? I don’t know, but it’s in the middle of the hallway. I scoot around it and walk outside for the first time in weeks.
Jesus, it’s bright out here. I lift my left hand up to shield my eyes. Damn, it’s sunny.
Matthias sees me first and nearly drops his glass of iced tea he’s so surprised. “Ronan, I’m so glad to see you. Come sit with us. We’re having lunch before we let the boys go swimming.”
Holding my hand up, I try to stop him, but it’s no use. The guy is lost in this domestic bliss of a life of his.
“Not now. Ava, didn’t I tell you yesterday I didn’t want to have your babysitter come into my room uninvited? She literally did exactly that, and that’s the only reason I’m down here right now.”
Now it’s not just my brother paying attention to me but Ava, Eleanor, and Sabrina, along with the two kids. Maybe now they’ll realize there’s a damn good reason to never ask me to join them for these family things.
Once Ava recovers from the shock of what I said, she looks over at Sabrina who’s cleaning off the new baby’s face of something that looks like what you’d throw up if you ate a rancid can of peas. “Oh, I sent her up only because we were hoping you might want to hang out with all of us today. She didn’t mean any harm, Ronan.”
“It’s as if you either didn’t hear what I said just one day ago or you didn’t understand it. Which is it? Because either way, that person came into my room just a minute ago.”
My sister-in-law looks like she’s going to cry, and when I glance over at Matthias, I can see he’s not feeling a whole lot of brotherly love right now. Too bad.
“Whoa, wait a minute, Ronan. Ava didn’t mean to upset you. Sabrina didn’t either. They were just trying to?—”
I cut him off before he goes any further. “I don’t care. You said when you brought me here that I wouldn’t be bothered. I’m officially fucking bothered right now.”
That’s all it takes. One slip up with my language in front of the kids, and my brother is out of his chair and marching toward me like some kind of man on a mission.
“Ava, I’ll be back. Don’t wait for me to let the boys swim. Ronan and I need to have a conversation.”
He grabs me by the arm and yanks me back toward the house before I can say another word. About my size but much stronger since he hasn’t spent the last few months lying in bed, he has no problem moving me exactly where he wants me to go, and in seconds, the two of us are back inside in the living room.
I’ve seen Matthias angry before. Most of his life he’s been angry for various reasons, much of which I never understood. I’ve never seen him this pissed off before, though.
In no time, he’s up in my face practically breathing fire. “I’ve had enough of your bullshit, Ronan. I get it. Life sucks for you. I’m sorry for that. You have no idea how much I wish I could change everything that happened to you. But you will not disrespect Ava or anyone who works here, no matter how fucking miserable you are, and you will not talk that way around my sons.”
As angry as he is, I stand toe to toe with him, not backing down an inch. “Then make sure she understands I don’t want anyone in my room.”
I’m not sure which part of that upsets him enough to shove me, but he sends me flying back into the wall. I can’t help but be shocked since I don’t think my oldest brother has ever done that with me. Oh, he and Theo used to have epic fights as kids, and more than once, I’ve seen him spar with Marius, but that brother never seemed interested in a knock-down-drag-out fight. Kellen and I never got a dose of Matthias’s full wrath because we were always so much younger than him.
Seems that’s changed. Okay. He wants to fight? I’m more than ready. He has no idea how much pent-up anger I have inside me.
“Talk about my wife like that again, and I swear to God, Ronan, you’re going to regret it,” he barks about an inch away from my face.
I shove him away with my left hand, surprising him. “Don’t fuck with me, Matthias. All I want is to be left alone. Why is that so difficult for you and everyone else here to understand?”
“We brought you here because we wanted to make sure you were safe. We’re your family, and we love you. I would never forgive myself if you did anything to hurt yourself again, Ronan. Why do you have to make this so difficult?”
Something inside me snaps at his asinine question, and I throw up my right arm so he has no choice but to look at it. “Because everything for me is fucking difficult, Matthias! I couldn’t even put a goddamned Band-Aid on my foot yesterday and had to let your damn babysitter do it because I couldn’t get the fucking wrapper off it. I’m a grown man who has nothing to look forward to when I wake up in the morning! Everything I’ve ever wanted in life was lost when they cut my fucking hand off! Do you understand how that feels? I doubt it. You’ve never had anything this terrible happen to you, so keep your opinions on how I am to yourself!”
All the anger seems to instantly drain away from him, leaving Matthias looking nothing but sad in front of me once again. “I know this is hard, Ronan. I might not have ever experienced loss like you have, but I understand. I just wish you’d see how much we want to be here for you, if you’d only let us.”
He doesn’t get it. Nobody does. It doesn’t matter how much I try to explain what I’m going through to them. They don’t get it.
Exhausted from my little trip outside and this emotional outburst with my brother, I slump against the wall. “I don’t want anyone to be here for me. I didn’t want to be saved that night Marius found me. I have nothing to live for. If there’s any justice in this world, some meteorite will land in my bedroom and take me out of my misery. Until then, all I want is to be left alone.”
My brother takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly before saying, “Okay, Ronan. We won’t bother you again.”
I see the tears in his eyes before he walks away, his shoulders sagging and the rest of his body looking like I feel. As the door to the outside closes behind him, a tiny spark of regret bites at me, but I push that away as fast as it comes.
None of this is anything I asked for, so what do I have to regret? I never wanted to barge in on his happily married life with Ava and their kids.
By the time I get back to my room, my mood is worse than ever. I don’t want to make Matthias as unhappy as I am. Maybe it would be better if I left here. He and Ava will fight me on that because they’re worried I’ll try to off myself again, but what would be the loss?
A knock at my door makes my anger come raging back, but nobody comes in. Is this their idea of leaving me alone? Looks like I needed to be a little clearer.
“Ronan, it’s Ava. I’m sorry you got so upset. I never meant to make you unhappy. All I ever want is for you to get better.”
She says that like I have some disease I’ll eventually recover from, or there’s some medicine that’s going to heal me if I only give it enough time. There’s no magic pill or potion to fix what happened to me. I wish there was.
I walk over to the door and open it to see her standing in the hallway staring up at me with tears in her eyes. As much as I want to mention what she’s doing isn’t leaving me alone, I don’t. I’m surly, but I’m not a total dick.
At least not at this moment.
“I’m sorry, Ronan. Please forgive me. I just want you to be your old happy self again,” she says, sniffling through her tears.
That will never happen. That Ronan King doesn’t exist anymore.
When I don’t say anything to that, she steps forward and wraps her arms around me. I stare down in shock, and then she rests her head on my chest, surprising me even more. Nobody has touched me since the nurses in the psych ward.
Ava continues to sob against me, so I wrap my left arm and what’s left of my right arm around her. “I didn’t mean to be such an asshole outside. I’m sorry.”
“I get it. You don’t want to see anyone. I didn’t realize we all were bothering you so much,” she says against my chest.
I let out a heavy sigh as I listen to her words. She and Matthias, to say nothing of Eleanor, have been nothing but kind and caring since I came here. I wish I wasn’t so unhappy because they deserve much better in return, not the misery I give them.
It’s just that it’s all I have to offer now.
“Look at me, Ava.”
She lets go of me and wipes under her eyes. It’s her house, and here she is basically apologizing to me for being nice. I really am a fucking bastard.
“It’s okay. I know you don’t mean any harm. It’s all me, and I’m sorry.”
The smile I get in return lights up her face. “You take as much time as you need. We’ll be happy whenever you want to come out and hang with us, okay?”
Ava really is a good person. She doesn’t deserve to have someone like me bringing such misery into her life, especially with all she’s handling now with two babies.
I nod but remain silent because I don’t have anything to say. I can’t explain why I feel so lost. I wish I could. Then maybe everyone would finally understand why I can’t see any of the positive things they all claim exist for me.