Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
R onan
I overheard Ava tell Eleanor that Kate is coming over today when I walked down to the kitchen to grab my dinner last night. I can’t explain it, but I’ve felt like I’ve been walking on air ever since.
That’s stupid. Nothing is different from the other day. Well, other than I got a decent shave and don’t look like the damn Unabomber anymore.
As much as I want to be happy I might see her today, a dark voice inside me keeps reminding me that I’m still a messed up man who lost his hand. Why would she even think about being with someone like me now?
Every time I hear that in my head, I try to push it away, but it keeps returning. That darkness in my very soul is stronger than I am. I don’t know how to change that.
I smooth my hair back off my face and like what I see for the first time in weeks. That Sabrina might be as irritating as nails on a chalkboard, but she did a good job.
“Yoo-hoo!” Eleanor calls from the hallway. “May I come in? It’s sheet changing day, and you’re the lucky contestant this hour.”
“Come in.”
The door opens, and in she walks with the laundry basket. She sets it on the floor and gets to work on my bed like she does every Thursday. Then she looks over at me standing in the doorway to the bathroom and her mouth drops open.
“Ronan, you shaved! You look like your old self again,” Eleanor says with a bigger smile than I’ve seen on her in a long time.
“Thanks,” I say, stroking my hairless chin. “I thought it might be time yesterday.”
Then she realizes I needed a razor to get my face to look like this, and her smiles quickly disappears. “I didn’t think we left anything…I mean something you could use…”
“Ava’s helper hooked me up. It’s okay. I just wanted to clean up a little. Nothing else.”
When she doesn’t return to smiling, I put my left hand up and add, “Swear to God, Eleanor. I promised Matthias I wouldn’t try anything like that again, and I won’t.”
Relief washes over her, and she sits down on my bed. “Please don’t. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if…”
Once more, she can’t finish her sentence. “You’ve been the closest thing to a mother that I’ve had since mine died. I wouldn’t do that to you. I promise, Eleanor.”
That makes her smile return, but now it’s accompanied by tears in her eyes. “Oh, honey. I know things have been hard for you. I only want you to find all the happiness you deserve.”
“Well, I figured I needed to start with my face. I was looking pretty rough there for a while.”
Eleanor returns to stripping the sheets off my bed but shakes her head at my attempt to be self-effacing. “You always looked like yourself. Just with a little more hair. I like this version better, though. It’s more you.”
“Thanks. I’m going to head downstairs for breakfast now.”
As she tosses the dirty sheets into the basket and makes her way to the linen closet to get a new set, she says, “I think Matthias is down there with Theo. The baby had a doctor’s appointment early this morning, so Ava and Sabrina took Matty and he offered to lighten the load by hanging out here with him.”
I’m not sure if she’s warning me so I don’t go down to the kitchen yet or just trying to be helpful like usual. I haven’t exactly been uncle of the year to either of my nephews. In fact, I’ve spent very little time with either of them since I came to stay here, so she might think I want to avoid that today.
I feel so good this morning that maybe it’s time to change how I’ve been with little Theo and Matty. Before I leave, I walk over to Eleanor and hug her. I feel her sigh against me and wonder if I’ve underestimated how bad things have been for everyone these past few months.
“Thank you for always being here for me, Eleanor.”
She covers my cheeks with her hands and smiles, her eyes full of tears again. “Oh, honey. We’re all here for you. I’m so happy to see you feeling better. I know things have been so hard for you, but I think you’re turning a corner. You watch. Life is going to be much better from now on.”
I don’t say it, but I hope she’s right. I’d like to be happy again. It’s been a long time since I’ve truly felt that way, but I remember being happy, and I miss it.
Matthias and his older son sit at the kitchen table, my brother in the seat he’s always sat in and Theo in his high chair with the tray filled with Cheerios. They both look up when I walk into the room like they’re surprised to see me. I guess that’s warranted since until this week I’ve taken every meal up in my room.
“Ronan? You look like yourself again,” Matthias says, clearly happy by my effort to look human once more.
Then, just as Eleanor did a few minutes ago upstairs, he realizes what I must have gotten my hands on to be clean shaven. His expression morphs from happy to worried like always, but I quickly explain so he isn’t stressed.
“It’s okay. Sabrina helped me, and she took the scissors and razor with her when she was done. You don’t have to worry. I promised I’d never do anything like that again, and I won’t. You can trust me.”
For the second time this morning, I watch as relief washes over someone I love when they realize I might be getting better finally. My brother smiles again and points to the chair across from him.
“Sit down and enjoy some breakfast. Eleanor made waffles a little while ago.” He stops and looks at Theo. “Obviously, my son decided today was a Cheerios day. He doesn’t seem to understand they’re for eating, though.”
I haven’t spent much time with this nephew this year, and he looks up at me like he doesn’t even know who I am. Sitting down, I look over at him and give him a guy nod.
“What’s up, little man? How are those Cheerios?”
I’m not sure he understands me, especially when he starts babbling and then dropping the cereal on the table just beyond his high chair tray. I look back at Matthias for some translation, but he seems as confused as I am.
“Ava would say he’s showing you his Cheerios, but I don’t know. All I do know is that this kid loves playing with those little rings. How much he likes eating them is another story.”
Then Theo smiles and in a tiny voice says, “Da-da.”
That’s it. Just one nonsensical word, but my brother’s eyes light up.
“That’s his first word. Oh, when Ava hears he said da-da before ma-ma, she’s going to be so jealous,” Matthias says, beaming a smile.
I watch as he leans over to kiss Theo, which makes the baby excited so he throws some of his cereal in his father’s face. It’s a scene I never thought I’d see in my entire life, and I can’t help but laugh.
“Funny, huh?” he says as he picks those little oat circles out of his hair. “Just wait until you have one. Then you’ll see.”
“To be honest, I can’t believe you have not one but two already. You and Ava seem to be on track to have as many as Mom and Dad had and in the same amount of time.”
He smiles and shakes his head. “I’m not thinking five. She’d like a girl, so we’ll keep going until we have one of those. Then we’ll be done. I can only hope it doesn’t take until we’re up to five because I’m not sure I can do that. I had no idea until I had kids of my own how much Mom and Dad had to do. Even with Eleanor, the staff, and Sabrina helping, I feel like I’m constantly running on a sleep deficiency. I’m like a damn zombie most of the time. Seriously, I’m so tired I’m thinking I might have to ask Kellen to step in as head of King Industries temporarily again.”
“That’ll make him happy,” I say, knowing my older brother would be over the moon to once again be in the job he always hoped to have.
Little Theo starts to nod off, so Matthias lifts him out of his high chair and holds him in his arms. It’s a picture I still can’t believe, but it’s a great thing to see. Matthias spent so long being so unhappy that getting to be around him happy and content is a nice change.
“Sometimes I think maybe I should just walk away from the company,” he says, sitting back against the chair as his older son falls fast asleep against his chest. “I don’t need the money. I could just hang out in my studio and work on my art. I know Ava would be happy for me whatever I choose.”
“Then why don’t you?” I ask as I make my way over to where a stack of waffles sit on the island.
I grab three and put them into the oven before turning on the heat to warm them up while Matthias answers my question. “This is going to sound crazy, but I like going to work. Dad must be laughing his ass off in heaven, right? The son who never wanted to work at the family business now doesn’t want to leave it.”
“Dad would definitely love knowing that, but I bet Mom would want you to spend more time on your art. You know how she always loved it when you’d draw things for her.”
Matthias nods and then stands up from the table. “I hate to leave, but this little guy likely needs a diaper change before he goes down for a nap. I’ll never hear the end of it if he turns up with a rash because I didn’t change him, especially once Ava finds out he said his first word. She told me before she left that he’ll probably fall asleep at the table, but I absolutely can’t put him down with a dirty diaper.”
I can’t help but smile at how lost in domestic bliss my oldest brother has become. After all he’s gone through, it’s the least he deserves.
Alone, I let my waffles heat up before sitting down at the table to enjoy them with lots of butter and maple syrup, just like I did when I was little. I’m getting better using my left hand to do things, thankfully.
My mind drifts back in time, and I remember my mother sitting with me after my brothers all left one day. She did that whenever she saw me all alone.
I stuff one last forkful of waffle in my mouth and wash it down with milk. My mother sits beside me watching silently as I chew and then hold my glass with two hands so I don’t drop it.
“What are you planning on doing today, honey?” she asks. “It’s a beautiful, sunny day. Would you like to go to the playground? We can get Kellen to come, and the two of you can have a nice time. What do you think?”
Eight-year-old me smiles as I finish the last of my breakfast. “I want to, but Kellen went with Marius and Theo. They’re playing outside and told me I couldn’t come.”
Concern fills her expression. “Why did they say that?”
“Because I can’t run as fast as they can. They get mad at me, especially Theo. He says when I’m older I can go with them. But I want to go now.”
She stands up from the table and walks over to the sink before returning with a dishcloth she dampened. Handing it to me, she says, “Wipe your face, and then we’ll see what we can do outside, okay?”
I nod and rub the white dishcloth with pink flowers all over my mouth and cheeks before handing it back to her. “I’m really now! Can we go?” I say excitedly.
My mother spots a part of my face I missed and rubs near my eyebrow with the cloth. When she finishes, she smiles. “We’re ready. Are your sneakers tied?”
Happy to show off I’m completely ready to go outside and play, I point down at my feet and grin like I’ve just climbed the highest mountain. “Both. Just like I’m supposed to. Can we go now?”
With a smile, she takes my hand, and I hop off the chair, eager to go outside and play with my brothers. She’ll tell them they have to play with me, so they won’t have a choice.
I hold on to her warm hand as we walk out the kitchen door. Marius, Theo, and Kellen are playing catch, although Kellen isn’t doing much of anything but running after the ball when either of my older brothers throw it past the other one.
“Boys, come here!” she announces, and all three of them stop everything.
They run toward her, Marius slower than everyone else because he doesn’t like to be told what to do. Theo might be the one who says I can’t play, but it’s Marius who will fight against our mother’s order to include me.
When they all reach the two of us, I stand next to her and look up at her as she talks to them. “Why aren’t you letting Ronan play with you?”
Kellen doesn’t speak, but Theo gives me a dirty look and says, “Tattletale.”
“I didn’t tattle! Why won’t you let me play?”
“Because you’re too small and too slow,” Theo answers.
My mother holds her hand up like she always does when she’s done listening to us fight. “No more. Now boys, your brother can play with you. There’s no reason he should be stuck inside on a beautiful day like this.”
Mumbling, Marius lowers his head and says, “Okay. He’s too small, though.”
I open my mouth to say he just turned twelve, so he’s not much bigger than me, but my mother stops me with a stern look before turning her attention back to my older brother. “Honey, he’ll never learn if you don’t include him.”
That doesn’t make him any happier, and she turns to look down at me. “You listen to your brothers so you know the rules of the game, okay?”
“I will,” I say, thrilled to be included for once.
She bends down to kiss me on the cheek and lets go of my hand. “Now go have a good time!”
As the memory of that day fades away to the back of my mind, I sigh, wishing my mother was here right now. I don’t know if anything would be different if she was still living, but I miss having her around to watch out for me.
One final memory comes back to me as I walk my plate and fork to the sink. I ran off to play with my brothers, who reluctantly agreed to involve me in their fun that day, and when I looked back at my mother, she was slowly walking into the house watching all of us.
She always had time for her children, and even though sometimes it meant having to do things we didn’t want to do, we never doubted she loved us. Being back here in the house where I grew up makes it easy to remember how happy we were.
I can only hope someday that will be possible for me again.