Chapter 35
Chapter Thirty-Five
RILEY
I don’t know how long I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling.
An hour? Maybe two?
Kieran’s side is empty and cold, but I don’t get up to go and find him, not when I can barely stand to look him in the eye.
How can I when I’m keeping the world's biggest secret from him?
I’m pregnant.
I thought it was some kind of sick joke, that maybe Lucy and I mixed up our tests. But I know in my gut that it’s true. Especially when I remembered that I doubled up on my pill the day after I slept with Kieran in Vegas.
I’ve missed pills before, and I didn’t consider it a big deal because I’ve never had a reason to worry. I simply took two the next day like the packet says, and no harm is done.
But I wasn’t sleeping with anyone back then, and I definitely wasn’t sleeping with Kieran Sullivan.
The night that Kieran took my virginity, I was essentially unprotected, and I’ve watched enough teen pregnancy reality shows to know that it only takes one time to get knocked up. Besides, I’m convinced the Sullivans have some kind of supersonic sperm, considering the fact Ciara is carrying twins.
Oh, my god. What if I’m having twins, too?
Once again the excitement at having a baby turns to fear, and I have to close my eyes and count my breaths until it passes.
I feel like such an ass for judging Lucy for having unprotected sex when I was just as irresponsible.
I mean, I’ve barely known Kieran for a month and now I’m carrying his child.
This was so not part of my plan.
I keep running scenarios through my head of what Kieran will say or how he’ll react when I tell him he’s going to be a father.
Is he going to be happy or completely freak out? Does he even want kids?
We’ve never had that conversation considering the fact our relationship started out as fake.
But now, everything has changed, and I no longer view Kieran as the man who saved me from Sean O’Keefe. He is the man I want to wake up to every morning and go to bed every night wrapped in his arms.
I can see myself building a family with him, but my stomach twists in knots at the thought of opening the door and having him slam it in my face.
I should just tell him and rip the band-aid off.
I’m not good at trusting people at the best of times, so I find it hard to believe that Kieran will want to stay and play the role of the doting father. So, isn’t it better to find out sooner rather than later?
Footsteps sound downstairs, followed by the low hum of the coffee machine as Kieran goes about his morning, so I take that as my cue to get up.
I swing my legs over the side of the bed and walk quietly out of the bedroom and down the stairs.
Kieran sits at the island, his coffee in front of him and his shoulders hunched, like the weight of the world is pressing down on him.
He doesn’t even look up when I appear in the kitchen, and my chest aches seeing him like this.
“Hey,” I say softly.
He startles as he looks up at me, and I frown.
The shadows under his eyes are darker than I’ve ever seen.
“Did you even sleep?”
“Yeah.” He runs a hand through his hair, messing up the curls. “A little… Not much.”
“Kieran, you look tired. You should go back to bed.”
He shrugs, almost dismissively. “Finn’s finally ready to talk.”
“That’s good, right?”
“I thought so.” He stares down at his coffee. “But I had to make a deal to get the information, and not everyone’s happy about the way I handled it.”
“Ah… So, you mean Ronan?” I lean against the counter and cross my arms over my chest.
Kieran nods, sipping his coffee slowly. “He doesn’t agree with what I did. He thinks I overstepped.”
I can’t help but roll my eyes. “Kieran, he asked you to step up, and you did. Who cares if he doesn’t agree, so long as you feel it’s the right decision?”
His shoulders sag as he sighs heavily. “It’s not that simple.”
“Why not?”
“Ronan… He was always the brains, and I was the muscle. That’s how it’s always been. But now the dynamic has changed, and he makes me doubt my intuition.”
“You both don’t have to be one or the other anymore. You can be both.”
“Try telling that to Ronan…”
“I will if you want me to. He’s not as scary as he thinks he is.”
Kieran’s mouth twitches. “You’ve been spending too much time with Ciara.”
“I wouldn’t take what Ronan says to heart. From what I know of him, he’s a huge control freak, and right now, his life is out of control, what with Ciara about to give birth and everything. He’s scared, and it sounds like he’s taking it out on you.”
“Have you considered switching majors to psychology?” Kieran teases, but his eyes remain dark and cold.
“I’m being serious.” I reach into the cupboard for a mug to pour myself a coffee.
If I’m going to have to argue about Ronan, I’m going to need some caffeine in my system.
“So am I.”
“Why did you even tell Ronan? It’s not like you need his permission. He left you in charge, after all.”
“Because Finn’s information could be the key we’ve been looking for.”
“That still doesn’t answer my question.”
Kieran’s jaw clenches as he looks away.
I probably shouldn’t be pushing him on this, but he needs to see that he is capable of making the right decisions, with or without Ronan’s approval.
“If I’m wrong, and Finn walks…”
“Then you’ll know it was the wrong call.”
“You say that like it means nothing.”
“Does it?”
“What?”
“Mean nothing if he walks? It’s not like he can bring your father back.”
“No, but—”
“But nothing.”
Kieran’s knuckles whiten as he clutches his mug. But after a few seconds, he lets out a long exhale. “I just hope this is all worth the fallout.”
I cross over to the island and reach out to gently squeeze his arm, though I’m not sure who needs the contact more, me or him.
“It will. You always think things through, and I know you’ve made the right choice because your family is your number one priority. You wouldn’t do anything that could hurt them.”
He looks at me for a moment, and I can see the flicker of gratitude behind his eyes.
“What did I do to deserve you?” He sighs, taking my hand and lifting it to his lips.
The kiss is brief, but it’s enough to make my breath catch and for a rush of warmth to spread throughout my body.
“I have a long list in my phone of all the things you’ve done.”
Kieran huffs a laugh as he looks down at our joined hands and slowly rubs his thumb back and forth over my knuckles.
I hate seeing him like this, but what I hate even more is that Ronan is the one who has made him secondguess himself.
But I know what I can do to help.
“I’ll be right back.” I pull my hand free from his and head back upstairs.
Back in my old room, I retrieve the document I’ve been holding onto for weeks.
I only ever planned to give it to Kieran when I felt confident that he and Ronan would protect me if anything went wrong.
Well, Kieran has more than held up his end of the bargain.
My hands tremble slightly as I hold the folder, realizing that if I don’t trust him enough to give it to him now, I never will.
Despite everything, Kieran, Ronan, and Ciara have felt more like my family in the past month than Oscar and Rion ever have. Just because you share blood with someone does not mean you owe them your loyalty.
The Sullivans have proved that to me, and as I carry the evidence back downstairs, I know in my gut that I have made the right choice.
My blood might tell me that I’m a Walsh, but I’m carrying a Sullivan inside me, and that is where my loyalty now lies.
Kieran looks up as I approach, and his eyebrows shoot up when he notices the folder in my hands. “Is that what I think it is?”
I nod, biting my lip. “I think it can help. I… I trust you with it.”
His eyes soften as he reaches for the folder. But when I hand it to him, he immediately sets it on the island and reaches out again, only this time for me.
I step between his thighs as his hands move to rest on my waist, and I relax beneath his touch.
He grounds me in a way nothing has before, and I let my hands snake around his neck as I move to rest my forehead against his.
“Riley…” The way he whispers my name sends a shiver down my spine. “It means a lot that you trust me with this. But I want you to know that regardless of what’s in that folder, what I feel for you is real, and it always has been.”
I don’t say anything right away because I want to savor the raw honesty of his words.
As his eyes flick up to meet mine, there’s a vulnerability in them that I rarely see, and I want to wrap myself up in it.
“I feel the same way.”
Before I can add anything more, Kieran leans forward and presses a soft kiss to my lips that is so tender it makes my knees weak.
Tell him.
The words are on the tip of my tongue.
Just say it.
His fingers dig into my waist, and I tighten my arms around his neck, wanting to get closer to him.
Even with his hands on my body, it’s not enough. I want to feel his skin against mine, to have the weight of him on top of me.
I’m desperate to tell him that I’m carrying his child, but before I can muster the courage to say the words, he pulls back, and the moment is gone in an instant.
“I have to go,” he says, almost reluctantly. “I need to get this to someone to verify the contents, then talk with my brothers to decide how we want to proceed.”
I force a smile as I step away from him, even though it makes my heart ache at the thought of watching him leave when there’s still so much I want to say to him.
“Don’t overdo it,” I warn as he gets to his feet. “You need rest, or you’ll burn out.”
He nods, meeting my gaze for a moment, and there’s a flicker of something soft and tender there before his expression hardens into focus.
“I’ll come back home after I’ve sorted this out and take a nap. You could always join me if you like?”
My cheeks burn, and he flashes me a wink before heading out.
As I watch him leave, my hands move to rest on my stomach, a habit that I think will give me away if I’m not careful.
It’s still surreal that I’m going to have Kieran’s baby, and yet, somehow, it doesn’t feel like I’m alone in this.
He has already proven to me that he’s trustworthy, and the fact that his first reaction to me giving him the evidence was to hold me and assure me his feelings are real speaks louder than any words he could speak.
It’s enough to make the fear of losing him a little less suffocating.