Chapter Three
Dim lighting and neon beer signs made the honky-tonk roadside bar and grill seem more intimate than it should.
Sterling had never realized that until he sat across from German.
Tip’s foreman had fallen in love with a pretty damn famous basketball player.
They had hired the security company German worked for and German was the guard working more often than not.
Considering they lived in the middle of nowhere on Tip’s ranch, German didn’t have to do much.
The first time Sterling met German, German had called him a boy.
For whatever reason, they hit it off immediately.
They were friends. Sterling desperately needed that now, even if he couldn’t confess why.
“When do you head back to Miami?”
Sterling chewed his bottom lip for a second. He couldn’t think of anything to say other than the truth. “I’m not sure if I’m going back.”
German blinked, keeping his face expressionless. “Isn’t this thing you do damn near impossible to achieve, considering how small the teams are? You’re obviously one of the best of the best to be where you are. You have a year left on your contract. Why wouldn’t you go back?”
Sterling searched his mind for a way to explain without giving away his secrets. “You’re right about how hard it is. Unfortunately, it’s also ruined my life.”
German’s light blue gaze sharpened. “How so?”
Sterling rubbed the back of his neck and looked around before meeting German’s stare again. “Do you mind if we talk about something else?”
German went from having his elbows on the table, leaning Sterling’s way, to sitting back to openly study him.
Sterling fought the urge to squirm. German had a very penetrating stare. Sterling couldn’t take it. “Tell me more about yourself. We always talk about me.”
German snorted. “I do that for a reason. If we can’t talk about your career, let’s talk about Buck.”
Sterling's throat swelled. His gaze bored into German. He tried to sound nonchalant. “What about Buck?” German shouldn’t know about Buck. No one should.
“What’s up with that guy? Did you accidentally kick his dog sometime, or what? I know you wouldn’t do that on purpose, but damn. He gives you some looks.”
That stung, and it seemed that was exactly what he needed.
He wasn’t projecting or imagining things.
Buck hated him. “We were a couple before I moved. He was embarrassed to be dating me and kept me a secret. All while swearing we would get married someday.” German didn’t look surprised or judgmental, so Sterling kept talking.
“Right before I left, he begged me to marry him before leaving, but somehow, he still thought he could keep a whole husband hidden. So, I walked away and stayed gone. His cowardice broke me. I went from being an already fucked-up guy to self-destructive. I very publicly dated every celebrity I could.” Sterling held German’s stare.
He needed German to see exactly how serious he was.
Sterling needed to say all the things, and the dam was gone now.
“I wanted him to hurt the way I hurt and know exactly what it felt like to have someone make him feel like he didn’t exist. It wasn’t right, but I’m not sure I’m a very good person, so. ” Sterling shrugged.
To his surprise, German didn’t look like he thought any less of Sterling. “Why was he embarrassed to be with you? You’re amazing.”
A sad smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. Sterling couldn’t hold on to it. “I’m nearly the same age as his son. We even went to the same school together at one point and everything.”
“So?”
A genuine smile snapped to Sterling’s lips. “Yeah. That’s what I thought too. It seems I was wrong. My age mattered to him, and he broke something in me I couldn’t afford to lose.”
German cocked his head to one side, looking a little too scrutinizing for Sterling’s comfort. “Why do you sound like you’re still heartbroken over something that happened three years ago?”
Pain welled in his chest. “Three years is nothing when the love is real.”
“So you still want him?”
Sterling desperately wanted to be done with this. “Yes. I guess a part of me always will. Unfortunately, I’m still the secret shame and I’m not sure we don’t hate each other now. We can’t be fixed.”
German’s chest expanded on a deep breath. “Well, on that note. We should get something stronger than beer. Quince said we should have fun, and he’s more than willing to pick us up if we get shitfaced. I say we take him up on the offer. It sounds like you need to forget for a little while.”
Sterling couldn’t stop smiling. It felt good to get everything off his chest. He didn’t have anyone he could talk to about Buck. Maybe that was all he had needed to move on. He felt lighter.
“Absolutely.”
German waved down a server and ordered shots. Sterling stared at him in a new light. They really were friends. He wasn’t alone.
Despite the noise surrounding him, the thin wood panel behind his head did nothing to mute Sterling’s every damning word in the booth behind him.
They sat back-to-back and Buck hung on to every confession.
Guilt gnawed at his gut. It was bad enough that he was basically stalking Sterling.
He couldn’t claim his choice of seating was a coincidence.
When Sterling had left the property with German, Buck had to know.
He had to see Sterling flirt with someone else, so maybe he could walk away.
Unfortunately, now he couldn’t breathe. He hadn’t realized how much he had been hurting Sterling back in those days.
Love had made him blind and dumb. He had never felt the way he felt about Sterling.
Not before or after. Sterling was a sickness.
An old fool’s dream come true. Until Sterling popped back up in his life a few weeks ago, Buck had forgotten how much Sterling made him feel.
Now Buck couldn’t stop. He was back to acting crazy all over again. Buck needed a drink.
Three beers in, it hit him. Sterling had never been ashamed of them.
All the times he saw the hurt in Sterling before he hid it again flitted through Buck’s mind.
His chest hurt and determination grew with each passing second.
He was the problem. Buck had always been the true villain in their story.
Sterling should hate him. Yet Sterling had told German he still loved Buck.
Buck didn’t deserve it, but fuck. He wanted that love with every fiber of his being.
Buck had felt the loss and betrayal. He deserved to have a goddamn life outside of being a father.
His son was grown. Sterling was too. They were all fucking adults.
He deflated as quickly as his courage grew.
Sterling was Tip’s baby brother. Tip was Buck’s boss. He didn’t know what to do.
Buck’s gaze slid toward the dance floor.
Sterling had dragged German into a line dance and tried teaching him the steps.
They laughed uproariously every time German missed a step or turned the wrong direction.
Damn. Sterling really was amazing. His whole life, people had fucked over Sterling.
But Sterling kept coming back for more abuse, because attention was attention, and Sterling had never gotten that.
He had the world’s eyes on him now. No matter what he said, Buck wanted that for Sterling.
Sterling deserved it. He made Buck proud as hell.
Buck chuckled when a busty server in a ripped, tight t-shirt appeared with more shots.
Sterling and German smiled as they accepted.
They tossed back the shots. The woman took one with them.
A slow song started. Their new friend set her serving tray aside and motioned for German to dance with her.
Sterling’s smile never dimmed as he watched German accept.
Buck couldn’t say what happened. He was on his feet and moving in Sterling’s direction without a single thought.
The moment Sterling spotted him, the air shifted.
Sterling went from smiling to smoldering in under a second.
Buck didn’t know what Sterling saw in Buck’s expression, but he didn’t move.
This wasn’t a gay bar. Men didn’t dance with other men here.
Buck didn’t consider that or anything else.
He had Sterling in his arms with zero cares for the rest of the world.
Sterling held on to him like a life preserver—like he was a drowning man.
Too late, Buck realized that was exactly what he was to Sterling.
Every epiphany made him feel and look worse and worse.
He had murdered something as close to perfect as love got.
But that emotion still choked the life from him.
Buck’s lips skimmed the shell of Sterling’s ear. He heard Sterling’s breathing change. Sterling’s fingertips dug deeper into Buck’s skin. Buck’s throat swelled. He didn’t know how to fix them. All he knew was how he felt.
“I’m sorry for everything. You deserve better than me.”
A ragged-sounding breath escaped Sterling.
Buck couldn’t stop. “There’s no reason for you to believe.
I’ve never given you any reason to feel secure and loved with me.
But goddamn, Sterling. I love you so much.
It makes me insane and jealous and angry all the way back around to just drowning in how much I love you.
My feelings for you make me feel like some sort of psychopath.
I don’t know what I’m saying or asking right now. I just really need this dance.”
“Okay.”
The response sounded so small and weak. Buck’s eyes burned.
He practically felt the way Sterling couldn’t trust him not to destroy him, but he gave Buck what he needed, anyway.
How had Sterling lived like this? The inside of his head must be a painful mess.
People just crushed him over and over, and Sterling begged for more.
That included Buck. Buck no longer knew who he was the angriest with.
The entire world had failed Sterling. Buck couldn’t keep adding his name to the list.
His throat burned, but Buck needed to say more. No matter how much it hurt, Sterling deserved more. “You look genuinely happy with German. Maybe you should hang on to that. You deserve to have the whole world at your feet.”
Sterling didn’t respond.
Buck’s lips lightly skimmed Sterling’s.
The song ended and Buck headed for the door without looking back or making eye contact with anyone.
Maybe that was the goodbye he should have given Sterling three years ago.
Maybe they would be free from this by now if he had.
He supposed they would never know. But better late than never to do the right thing.
Buck needed to get back to living his life shut down and on autopilot.
Sterling needed to get back to being young.
At least one of them needed peace. It should be Sterling.