Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
MATT
Nerves twisted in my gut as I checked the message from Chelsey one last time. Sure enough, it still said the same thing. For some reason, she wanted to meet up with me before training today.
To do what? I had no idea.
My best guess was that she wanted to either scold me again for inserting myself into the documentary process or try to clear the air, because while she didn’t want to admit it, something was definitely happening between us. Not necessarily anything romantic, but there was undeniable tension.
As I slung my duffel bag over my shoulder and headed into the stadium, I was well aware that how I reacted to this discussion might determine what my odds were of being able to win her over later.
In other words, if I screwed up, I might not get another chance.
I dropped off my duffel bag in the changing rooms and took the stairs up to the team meeting room. Given that there was no meeting this morning, the room was empty except for Chelsey, who was sitting on the sofa with a takeout coffee in each hand.
I subtly wiped my sweaty palms on the front of my jeans and walked over to her, wondering whether I should sit beside her or take a different chair. For the sake of keeping things as professional and above board as possible, I pulled a chair opposite her and sank onto it.
She thrust one of the takeout coffee cups toward me. “I got you coffee. It’s an Americano. I didn’t want to give you a whole lot of milk before you go on the ice in case it upset your stomach. Is that okay?”
I took the coffee from her and sipped it. “Yes, that’s very thoughtful of you. Thank you.”
Honestly, I wouldn’t have gotten a coffee for myself, but it wouldn’t hurt either. It might even give me a boost.
I studied her features, hoping for some indication of what we were doing here. She wasn’t smiling, and strain bracketed her mouth. Her eyes were set in a way that made me think she was mentally bracing herself for something.
“You asked to meet?” I let the statement rise at the end in question, prompting her to get to the point. Not that I minded spending time in her company, but the other players would be arriving soon, so I couldn’t afford to stay here with her for too long.
She nodded and cradled her takeout cup on her lap.
“I realized yesterday that by refusing to talk about the past, I’m making it more difficult to do my job in the present.
I think you and I need to get everything out, so we can talk it over and move on.
” She sighed and buried her face in her hands.
“I know that pretending the past didn’t happen was my idea, but taking that approach is only causing problems.”
My breath temporarily bottled up in my chest and my limbs felt light.
If she was willing to talk it over, then perhaps I had a chance to explain what had happened and apologize for my mistake.
She may not be willing to accept my apology, but if I was at least able to make it, then there was a chance.
Maybe she would be open to hearing what I had to say.
“How do you want to go about this?” I asked, hesitant to jump the gun by being too enthusiastic. If I made her think I was getting what I wanted all along, I’d just come across as being smug and she would shut down.
She sank her teeth into her plush lip, and it took all my might to resist the urge to reach out and make her stop.
Anxious or not, I didn’t want her hurting herself.
“You’ve tried to start a conversation with me about this a couple of times now, so go for it.
I’ll hear you out and then decide what comes next. ”
I internally debated whether to hold onto the coffee cup to give myself something to do with my hands or whether to put it down so I could give her my full attention.
In the end, I decided it was better to hold it because otherwise I would probably crack my knuckles as I was prone to do when I was nervous, and that might irritate her.
I leaned forward, both hands around the takeout cup, my gaze locked on her. “First of all, you need to know how incredibly sorry I am that I hurt you. I never meant to, and it cuts me up that I did.”
I waited for a moment to see how she would react.
After a long minute, she nodded. “I never thought you did it intentionally. You’re not a malicious person. But it still hurt.”
I closed my eyes briefly. “I know.” I’d have to live with that forever. “What you saw and heard wasn’t the full story.”
She arched an eyebrow. “So, you’re telling me that I didn’t hear Cory Haas ask you how much longer you planned to keep the fatty around before you moved on to someone more at your level?”
“You did hear that,” I admitted, a lump forming in the back of my throat.
“And did I not hear you say absolutely nothing in response?”
From her expression, you might have thought we were discussing the weather, but a quiet fury burned behind her blank mask.
Even so many years later, this still hurt her, and it made me sick to my stomach that I’d ever caused her to doubt herself, even for an instant, let alone had such a long-lasting effect on her self-esteem.
She was a stunning, amazing woman. She deserved better than that. If she ever gave me a second chance, I would be better.
“I did say something. I swear to you, I did. You only overheard part of the exchange. I told him that I loved you and that you’re beautiful and I never wanted to hear him speak that way about you again.”
She laughed bitterly. “Is that right? Because you never defended me before. I know that wasn’t the first time one of your friends made comments.
So, how long did it take you to reply? Was it hours?
Days? Was it after you found out I’d heard what he said and finally decided that I deserved more from the people in my life? ”
“No, baby.” The words tore from me, anguished.
She recoiled, her eyes wide. “Don’t call me that.”
I pressed my lips together. “I’m sorry. It just slipped out.
The truth is, I told him right then and there.
Yes, I paused for a few seconds. I know that hurt you, especially because it probably brought back memories of your family ignoring your bullies and letting people talk badly about you, and I’m unbelievably sorry for it.
I was so shocked that, at first, I didn’t know what to say.
I admit that I had the briefest moment where I was worried that standing up for you might mean I’d lose my friends, and I’m ashamed of that. ”
I didn’t have many friends growing up because I’d been too busy working and training to spare any time for them, but I should have realized that Cory and his crowd were never going to fill that void the way I wanted them to.
“I promise you, I told him within a minute of him spouting that rude bullshit that you were the only one for me. I hesitated because I was shocked and scared, and I’ll always regret what that hesitation cost me.”
She was quiet for a long moment, staring at me as if she thought that eventually her eyes would be able to peel back the layers of my soul and read the truth—whatever it might be.
“I suppose I have no choice but to believe you. I obviously didn’t hang around long enough to find out what was said next. ”
My hand twitched toward her, and I gripped my coffee cup more firmly. “I can’t prove it to you. I’ll never be able to, and that kills me.”
She shrugged. “A lot of people live with uncertainty. It doesn’t really matter. We’re working through this, right? For the sake of our professional relationship—that’s what’s important.”
My heart lodged in my throat, and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to bring myself to say what I really wanted to. Yet I knew if I didn’t, it would be just another regret to add to the list.
“I loved you,” I told her. “I planned to marry you one day. More than anything, I want the chance to start over. To try again. But I understand if you aren’t interested in that.”
I waited with bated breath for her response, cataloguing every minor shift in her expression, hoping I’d see even an inkling that she might be open to the idea.
A slight furrow formed between her eyebrows. Her mouth inched down at one corner. My heart fell.
She sat back and crossed her legs. “I appreciate the apology,” she began slowly, as if testing her words to determine whether they were the ones she really wanted to use.
“But I don’t want anything other than a professional relationship between us.
It wasn’t only my heart that was injured—my self-esteem was too.
I need to protect myself, because I can’t trust others to do it. ”
My stomach twisted painfully even though her reply wasn’t a surprise. I drew in a slow breath, because otherwise, I feared I’d forget how to breathe entirely.
“I’m so sorry.” I could apologize a thousand times over and it would never be enough. “For hurting you. For denting your confidence. That never should have happened.”
“Well, it did.” She took a drink of her coffee and glanced away. “For far too long, I was self-conscious of my body, wondering if men were interested in me despite how I looked because my personality was enough for them to lower the bar, or if they only wanted a hookup and anyone would do.”
I straightened, fury coursing through me that she would ever think such a thing. “Men should consider themselves fucking lucky to breathe the same air as you.”
“Yeah, well, that’s not how I felt. And I’m not one to point fingers, but what happened between us didn’t help that.”
I slammed my mouth shut, my jaw cranking so tight that I feared it might crack. “I hate that I could affect you like that. You’re so much more than me. Kinder, smarter, braver. I’m not worthy of making you think less of yourself. I’m not worth being so upset over.”
Her forehead crinkled. “But you…”
When she didn’t go on, I set the takeout cup down and reached for her hand, damn the consequences. Her palm was soft and warm against mine, and she stiffened but didn’t immediately shake me off.
“You’re the most beautiful, incredible woman I’ve ever known. You have absolutely no reason to doubt yourself, and I’m sorry that my actions ever caused you to do so.”
She looked down at our joined hands and then slowly, carefully, extricated hers. “I think you might actually mean that.”
“I do.” I’d say it over and over again if I had to.
“But I meant what I said. We need to keep things professional. We’re not friends, and even though we’ve opened the door to all this baggage from the past, I don’t want to revisit that time any more than we already have. I… I can’t date you, Matt. There’s just no way.”
I lowered my eyes and swallowed. My tongue felt thick and clumsy in my mouth, and I had no idea what to say.
She’d set a boundary and I had to respect that.
I’d told her where I stood, admitted that I wanted more, but she didn’t and that had to be okay.
I wouldn’t be one of those exes who made life miserable for their former partner just because they didn’t know how to let go.
I’d do my best to give her what she wanted, no matter how much it might hurt. I’d be polite and helpful and stop pushing for more. It would be difficult, but I could do it.
“Okay,” I said finally. “We’ll keep it professional. I’ll do my job and you do yours.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
I got the feeling she wanted to look me in the eyes, but I couldn’t handle that right now.
I needed to go somewhere private and get my shit together before training.
My nerves were raw and everything seemed like too much.
The fluorescent lights were too bright, the coffee smelled too strong, the chair beneath me was too hard.
“I have to go.” I forced myself to raise my eyes and smile at her. “You’re doing a really good job as the team’s publicist. They were right to hire you.”
Her eyes widened slightly and she nodded. “Um, by the way.” Her voice cracked and she swallowed and tried again. “We decided to go with your idea about the Rainbow Sports Alliance.”
“That’s great, Chels. Thanks for letting me know.”
I strode out of the room, closed the door in case she needed a moment to herself, and jogged down the stairs, almost missing a step as my mind whirled. I tripped and caught myself on the railing just as Jesse walked past the bottom.
He stopped and looked up at me. “Too distracted thinking about a pretty blonde to look where you’re going?”
“Mind your own business,” I snapped before I could think better of it. Immediately, I felt a pang of guilt. Jesse hadn’t realized that he was poking at a sore spot and that I didn’t have the heart to deal with his teasing just then.
Drew materialized beside Jesse like a thundercloud on skates. “What’s your problem?”
“My problem?” I demanded, my voice climbing despite the fact I’d been ready to apologize a few seconds earlier. But that had been to Jesse. He didn’t deserve my crap attitude and wouldn’t give it back the same way Drew would. Drew might even take pleasure in going head-to-head with me.
Maybe if I played my cards right, he’d even take a swing at me. That would go a hell of a long way toward distracting me from my self-pity party.
I squared up against Drew and opened my mouth. But then I thought of Chelsey and of the probationary order hanging over our heads, and I clamped it shut again.
Fuck my life.