17. 17
17
LYLA
I ’ve barely left my room this week.
I haven’t showered in four days.
I haven’t been eating and sleep is evading me.
I’m currently staring at a blank canvas, attempting to will my creativity into existence. The stark white stares back at me, devoid of life and color. That’s how I feel right now and the irony isn’t lost on me. I feel entirely empty and I don’t know how to navigate the darkness. I’m stumbling through it, praying for a light to appear. A spark, an ember; anything to guide my way back.
The truth is, I may look happy on the outside, but there’s a disease that lives within me. It’s wrapped around me like roots to a tree, and there cannot be one without the other.
His voice had begun a steady melody in my head on Monday morning. It sensed my weakness and pounced, barely giving me a moment of reprieve.
You’re defective.
You’re broken, completely shattered.
You’re a burden to those around you .
It was your fault that I left.
Your moods are too much for people.
He still lives in my brain, incessantly tearing me down whenever my illness creeps in. Despite his lack of physical presence, he’s continuing to ruin my life. I have a constant storm brewing, ready to begin the downpour whenever my mood darkens. It hadn’t been this bad in some time, and the thought of drifting away sounds so enticing.
But then I think of Parker.
Sweet, caring and patient Parker.
My feelings for him have grown beyond what I could have ever imagined for myself. I’d honestly believed that I could never open myself up to love after seeing what my parent’s marriage was like, and that was changing.
However, I’m hiding a part of myself from him. I haven’t shared a particular secret with anyone aside from my mom and professionals. It’s something that I keep close to my chest out of fear of rejection, and I’m not sure that I’m ready to lay all of my cards out on the table quite yet.
Parker Hamilton makes me want to bear my soul though, and that’s terrifying. I feel safe with him, which is something so unfamiliar to me. I have never felt this way with anyone, not even my own mother. And I know because of that, I would be risking a lot in telling him my deepest, darkest truths. Not to mention, I would ruin our relationship if I told him that my feelings have developed into something greater than friendship.
Besides, what can you offer to someone when everything that’s left of you is broken?
I have nothing to offer a man as wonderful as him. He deserves the world and I’m not about to stand in the way of him finding someone normal.
My phone chimes and I look down to see a text from Parker. It had been three days since I had replied to him, and I knew he was worried. I want to reassure him that I’m okay, but my heart isn’t in it. It’s getting too hard to pretend. I have even been avoiding Cassie. I pretend to be asleep every morning before she leaves for work and every night when she comes home. I know she’s getting suspicious, but I don’t know how to explain myself to her. Avoidance is easier than saying “Hey I get into this deep, black hole sometimes and I can barely function when it happens”.
So for now, it’s my cross to bear.
After a turbulent week, I’m beginning to feel like myself again. I had finally taken a shower and washed my hair, cleaned up the mess in my room, and did my laundry. I had texted Parker back last night and told him I was doing better and that I would be able to open the store again. All he replied was “okay”, and that had unsettled me. I hope I hadn’t pushed him away and pray that he isn’t upset with me.
I make my way down to the store and go through my opening routine. I spend the next hour pacing the store and glancing at the clock. Finally, I hear the bell chime and look into the depths of those icy blue eyes.
“Hi,” I say weakly.
“Nice to see you’re alive. Cassie said you were, but it’s nice to have confirmation.”
I cringe. “I’m sorry. I know you were worried.”
His jaw flexes with tension and I internally chastise myself for not texting him back.
“Worried is an understatement. I went out of my mind, Lyla. You can’t just drop off the face of the earth like that and not tell me what’s going on.”
I nod and approach him slowly, not knowing if the contact will be welcome. Deciding that he isn’t about to push me away, I grasp his hands in mine and make direct eye contact with him.
“You’re right, and I’m sorry. I should have replied to you so that you knew I was okay. I didn’t mean to make you worry, but I did, and I feel terrible for that.”
He grips my hands in return and lets out a sigh, the tension visibly seeping out of him.
“What happened? I know you weren’t sick and I need the truth.”
I debate telling him that I truly was sick. Colds are common this time of year, after all. But I know that he deserves the truth, even if it isn’t the entirety of it.
“There’s… a darkness that lives in me. I know I seem happy a lot of the time, and sometimes I really am. But other times, I get a little lost. I always come back from it, but it can be all-consuming in the moment.” I let out a breath and think out my next words. “I never talk to anyone about this. Any time I’ve tried, it doesn’t go well. It’s easier to keep people at arm’s length than bear my soul and be met with a blank stare.”
He contemplates this for a moment. As the silence stretches, he drops my one hand and reaches out to tuck my hair behind my ear, a gesture that has become routine. There’s a tenderness in his touch whenever he does it, and my stomach always erupts with butterflies.
“I will never judge you or get uncomfortable about anything you tell me. I promise not to pry because I want it to happen organically, but Lyla, you have to try to talk to me. You have to attempt to let me into that head of yours. I can get little bits and pieces when you’re ready to give them to me, but I can’t be getting nothing from you. The radio silence? Not okay. I need you to tell me when you’re struggling with whatever it is. I want to be there for you.”
Tears fill my eyes and my vision blurs. Parker pulls me in for an embrace and wraps his hand in my hair, clinging to me for dear life. I soak in every moment of this, committing it to memory for the hard times.
Parker has given me something that I wasn’t sure I would ever receive.
Love.