Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
Izzy
The ocean stretches before me, endless and dark, swallowing the last streaks of sunset. The waves roll in, slow and steady, brushing the shore like a whispered promise. I hug my knees to my chest, trying to breathe through the ache in my ribs.
I don’t know why I came here tonight. I told myself I wouldn’t do this anymore. I wouldn’t sit in the sand, stare at the horizon, and drown in thoughts of Xavier. But it’s Friday, and old habits die hard.
My phone buzzes in my lap, and my heart jumps, even though I know it won’t be him. It never is. I glance at the screen. Dad.
I hesitate before answering, forcing my voice to be steady. “Hey.”
“Hey, sweetheart.” His voice is rough and tired. “You busy?”
I shake my head even though he can’t see me. “No. Just… at the beach.”
A pause. Then, softly, “Thinking about home?”
I swallow. “Yeah.”
Thinking about home means thinking about him.
About the nights I spent in the garage with Xavier, pretending I wasn’t watching how his hands moved over an engine, pretending I wasn’t in love with him.
Thinking about home means remembering the last time I saw him, how my heart shattered when he didn’t fight for me.
Dad sighs on the other end like he already knows. “Izzy, I gotta ask… Have you talked to him?”
I close my eyes. The wind tugs at my hair, salty and cool, mingling with the faint scent of bonfires from the beach parties farther down the shore.
Have I talked to him? I can’t even say his name. “No,” I whisper. “I can’t.” Another pause.
My dad’s voice is quieter. “Why?”
Because I waited. Because I spend nights staring at my phone, fingers hovering over his name, hoping he’d call first. Because I have nightmares about the last time I saw him, replaying it over and over until I wake up gasping for air. Because I still love him, and I don’t know how to stop.
“I thought he was done with me,” I admit. “All that time passed, and I didn’t hear from him. I missed him so much, but I convinced myself he didn’t want me anymore. I had to move on.”
Dad doesn’t say anything right away. When he does, his voice is measured. “Izzy… I don’t think that boy ever stopped loving you.”
Tears prick my eyes. I press my forehead to my knees. “Then why didn’t he call?”
“Maybe he thought you wouldn’t want to hear from him.”
I shake my head. “I would have.” My throat tightens. “I would have come home sooner.”
Dad sighs again. “I told you before, sweetheart. Running from the past doesn’t erase it. You need to talk to him, even if it hurts or doesn’t change anything.”
I know he’s right. I knew it the night I left. But knowing doesn’t make it any easier. A voice calls my name from the distance. I lift my head, blinking back tears as Ashley, my roommate, jogs toward me. Her long blonde hair whips around her face.
“I gotta go, Dad.”
His voice softens. “Alright, baby girl. Just… think about it, okay?”
I nod, even though I don’t know if I can. “Love you, Dad.”
“Love you, too, baby girl.” I hang up the phone and wipe a tear away.
Ashley reaches me, her expression gentle. “You okay?”
I force a smile. “Yeah.”
She doesn’t believe me. “Come on,” she says, holding out her hand.
“Let’s go home.” I hesitate. For one second, I imagine what it would feel like if Xavier were the one holding out his hand, the one telling me to come home.
But he’s not here. He never was. So I take Ashley’s hand instead and walk away.
Even though every step feels like a mistake.
The world around me blurs as I walk with Ashley back to our dorm room.
My steps are sluggish and heavy. I try to focus on the rhythm of my feet on the sidewalk and the sound of Ashley’s laughter as she talks about something from class, but I’m not really listening.
My mind keeps pulling me back to the conversation I had with my dad.
His words, “You need to talk to him. Even if it hurts.” Echo in my head, taunting me, making it harder to breathe.
We round the corner and head up the stairs to our building. The dull ache in my chest won’t go away. I can’t tell whether it’s the wind, the sadness, or something deeper, something tangled in memories of Xavier.
I don’t belong here.
I don’t belong in this dorm, in this city, in this life I’ve tried to build without him.
The faces of Ashley’s friends, Rush, Redline, Hotflash, and Quickshift, are kind, but unfamiliar, as if they’re part of a different world I’m desperately trying to live in.
But all I feel is the distance. The distance from everything and everyone that matters.
I walk into our dorm with my head down, hoping for a quiet night.
Maybe I’ll sleep it off, or at least try.
Ashley flops onto her bed, scrolling through her phone while I settle onto mine, curling into myself.
I can feel the quiet in the room. My heart is pounding so loudly I think she must hear it.
Then my phone buzzes. I freeze. I know it's probably nothing. I know it’s not him. It never is. But something inside me stirs, a mix of hope and dread. Maybe it’s another spam message or a classmate needing something trivial.
I glance at the screen. Nolan. My stomach twists. What does he want?
I don’t pick up right away, feeling a strange mix of hesitation and curiosity. I take a deep breath, then swipe to answer and hold the phone to my ear.
“Hey, Nol,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady, like I’m not about to crumble.
“Hey, Izzy,” Nolan’s voice is surprisingly soft. “How’s everything?”
I close my eyes, trying to steady myself. “Same. You know. Busy.” I glance at Ashley, who’s pretending not to notice anything’s off.
Nolan’s silence hangs in the air for a moment. “I don’t know if this is weird or if you want to know, but… I thought you should hear it from me.”
My pulse quickens. “What is it?” I whisper.
“Nah, it’s not bad, but Xavier’s been going through a tough time, Iz. It’s been hard on him. I mean, it’s not like you didn’t already know that, but... I figured you should hear it. He’s been talking about you, asking how you’re doing. He’s been, well... struggling.”
My chest tightens, a sharp, painful pull. "Struggling?" I echo, my voice hoarse.
“Yeah.” Nolan sighs. “He’s been quieter than usual, pulling away from everyone. I think he’s got a lot on his mind. A lot of stuff he’s holding onto, things he won’t really talk about. You know, the usual stuff. He’s in a bad place, Iz.”
I press my hand to my forehead. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to ask why. Why didn't he reach out? Why did he let me walk away without a word? Why did he let it go on this long?
"Why are you telling me this?" I ask, my voice cracking. Tears well in my eyes, but I force them back, gripping the phone tighter as if it’ll somehow give me answers.
“Because, well…” Nolan’s voice softens, and I hear the discomfort in his tone. “Because I know what it’s like. You two were…” He trails off, leaving the unspoken words hanging between us. We were something. We were everything. And now we’re nothing.
I stay silent for a long time. Nolan's words spin in my mind, each one heavier than the last. I want to reach out. I want to fix it. But I’m afraid. Afraid of what it would mean if I did. Afraid of what it would mean if he didn’t want me, if the hurt is too deep to heal.
“Thanks for telling me, Nolan,” I manage, my throat tight. I don’t know if I mean it or if it’s what I have to say. “But I don’t know if I can do anything about it.”
Another silence stretches between us, thick with unspoken things. “Just… think about it, Izzy. I don’t know if he’ll reach out, but maybe you should.”
The line goes quiet for a second. I can feel the weight of his words, the reality of them, pressing against me.
"I'll think about it," I whisper. "Thanks."
I end the call, but I don't move. I sit there, staring at the screen, like maybe Xavier will suddenly call. Maybe he’ll apologize. Maybe he’ll tell me he was wrong, that he loves me, that he needs me. But I know it won’t happen. The phone sits still in my lap. The silence is deafening.
Ashley looks at me now, her voice quieter than usual. “You okay?”
I nod, but I don’t think she believes me. Hell, I don’t even believe myself.
“I’m fine,” I lie. I stand up, clutching the phone in my hand, feeling like I’m carrying the weight of a thousand unanswered questions.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to fix this. Part of me wants to pick up the phone and call Xavier, even if he never answers. But the other part, the one terrified of being hurt again, of opening up and finding out he’s really moved on, holds me back.
Ashley looks at me for a moment, sensing the change in the air, but she says nothing. She doesn’t need to. She knows.
“I think I need to be alone for a while,” I whisper, my voice thin.
Ashley doesn’t argue. She nods, understanding. I watch her leave our dorm, leaving me alone with my thoughts, regrets, and heartache.
I look down at the phone again. Part of me wants to call him. Part of me wants to pretend nothing ever happened. But I don’t know if I can handle what I’ll hear if I do. Does he have a little girl now? Or a boy with his rugged looks? Is he still with that girl from the track? Are they happy?
I look out the window, feeling the emptiness creep in again. The same emptiness I’ve been trying to escape for months. The same emptiness only Xavier used to fill.
And I’m left wondering, what if I never get the chance to make it right?
I swallow hard, deciding not to reach for the phone. Not yet. I also know I can’t run forever.