Chapter 14
FOURTEEN
The knot in Mason’s chest had loosened, and it wasn’t a result of going over endless checklists. Things were far from simple, but things were…good.
In the past few hours, he’d gone from being strung tight as a tripwire to steady as a sniper’s aim.
They had a shot at completing this op without any injuries. They had a shot at getting the names of those bomb handlers, and that meant they were eleven steps closer to capturing Cipher.
And he and Elin were…so close to figuring this out. He had to believe they had a shot too.
He snapped his backpack closed and slung it over his shoulder. In minutes, the helicopter would pick them up, and there was only one person he wanted to spend those minutes with.
Even though she waved him off, he wanted to talk to Elin about what came after. For the first time in two years, after didn’t feel like a word that belonged to other people.
The thump of his boots was steady as he navigated the corridors to her room. Every space he passed was silent, yet the whole base hummed with contained energy, as it always did right before any op.
He drifted by the dining room where not long ago, Chase held up that ultrasound photo of his and Alyssa’s child and the room burst with joy.
Mason shook his head, trying to imagine a baby on base. Suddenly, it struck him that even though being Blackout meant they were dead to the world, that didn’t mean they weren’t still living.
As he reached her door, his pulse drummed a beat too fast. When he lifted his hand to knock, he had to rein in the excitement of stealing a private moment with the woman he loved before and so much more now.
He rapped softly. “Elin? It’s me.”
She didn’t answer.
“Elin?”
His sharp hearing picked up a rustling noise from within. He tried the knob, and it turned.
“Hey,” he said as he poked his head inside.
She stood with her back to him, one knee on the bed, her duffel gaping open in front of her. As he looked on, she snatched up a garment, balled it in her hands and stuffed it in the bag.
The sight hit him like a shot he didn’t see coming.
His heart moved to his throat and lodged there, drumming against bone. “What are you doing?” he grated out.
She didn’t turn, just snatched up the cardigan she’d worn the previous day and shoved it in the bag too. “Getting ready for DC.”
“That bag’s not for DC.”
Next, she grabbed a hard plastic case of computer equipment and dropped it in. “I talked to Con. After this op, I’m going to work remote.”
The words didn’t make sense. He watched her hands because they were steadier than his mind right now.
“Remote.” The word might as well be a planet in another galaxy.
She turned then, a tendril of dark blonde hair breaking loose from the tight ponytail she wore. Her eyes were a dim version of their usual light. They weren’t blazing with anger, nor the heat of passion. They were…
Flat.
The floor fell out from under his feet, and he locked his muscles to remain steady. “You told Con already.”
“I did.”
“Why?”
She didn’t answer him, just continued stuffing everything in her bag. A bra, a looped cable, a silky black dress.
“Goddammit, Elin. Talk to me!” He reached out and closed a hand over the opening.
She huffed a noisy breath through her nose.
“Why?” The question was a demand that resounded off the high ceilings.
The corner of her eye twitched in the first crack he’d seen in her facade, almost a flinch.
“Because I can’t stay here.”
“You—” His insides coiled with devastation so complete he could barely breathe. “Why? You’re safe here.”
“I’m choking here. Choking on rooms full of couples and future plans and ultrasounds. Choking on pretending this”—she flicked a hand between them—“will ever be enough.”
Every instinct in him bellowed for him to grab her, to slam his mouth over hers and stop the flow of words.
His throat cramped. “Enough for what?”
She dropped her gaze to the bed. “For me. I realized tonight that I want more than the next job or the next city.”
“What about us?”
She grabbed a shirt and wadded it in her hands.
“Elin,” he said evenly, throat shredded from holding back emotion he couldn’t release just minutes before an op. “What…about…us?”
She lifted her gaze to him, the same cold, flat look in her eyes. “There is no us. There’s work and sex. It’s not the same. I can’t stay here and watch everyone getting their happy ending, while I’m stuck in a—a situationship. I deserve more.”
Mason felt his entire body rock with the force of her words. His hand dropped from her duffel to his side, and he stared at her.
A situationship. Like a plastic thing you threw away when you were done.
“You’re wrong about us. I may not be good at words, at feelings.
But there’s a reason you got my effects after I died on paper.
Because you were all I had in the world.
I grew up stuffing down all my feelings so goddamn deep— Fuck!
” He couldn’t go on. There wasn’t time. He could hear the chopper landing on the lawn.
Swinging for the door, he told himself that duty called, but something inside him felt like a wounded animal. He’d taken fire and kept moving, but her words brought him to a full stop.
In long strides, he rushed through the base. When he reached the war room, he slammed his hand into the door, sending it flying open. Con turned, still strapping his gear in place.
“Can we have a dog?” The words exploded out. He didn’t even think about them.
Con’s brow pinched. “I’m missing important context.”
He waved a hand at Chase. “If they can have a baby, can we get a dog? Elin and I?”
Chase’s lips quirked in definite amusement.
Con grunted. “A trained German Shepherd?”
“No. Something cute, fluffy…little.” He realized how he sounded and his own mouth twisted in an attempt to hold back a smile.
Chase clapped him on the back. “It’s official, man. You’re pussy-whipped.”
Elin had packed her bag to leave the instant they returned. But the tight rope coiled inside Mason loosened just enough to draw a breath and say the words.
“No. I’m in love.”
Con stepped toward the door. “Then say it. Not after the op. Not someday. As soon as the job’s done. Don’t make her guess again.”
The base intercom crackled with Con’s command. “Charlie, on me. Birds are spinnin’.”
* * * * *
Elin jolted at the sound of the helicopter thudding faintly through the base walls. She twisted her head to stare at the window as if ‘d spot the craft, but visions of Liam striding out of her room looped in her brain.
He hadn’t slammed the door, but the quiet he left behind was louder than any explosion.
Time was running out, and she hadn’t finished packing. Sure, she could do it when she returned from meeting Kent, but the point of packing was to go immediately after debriefing.
If she hung around, Liam could try to talk her into staying.
And she just might let him.
Her heart wanted to believe they could have more. Like Alyssa and Chase, Sophie and Con, and the others too. But she’d been so broken after learning Liam was gone, and the danger he faced wasn’t going to go away.
She sucked in a deep breath to hold her tears at bay. The last thing she wanted was to walk out to the chopper with SEALs with tears streaming down her face.
It didn’t help, and they fell anyway in hot trickles she couldn’t stop. She dashed them away and grabbed her coat, but they returned in seconds.
For a few seconds, she just stood there, shuddering over her half-zipped duffel.
The noise in her head drowned out everything she was up against—entering the Pentagon was no easy feat, even with the Charlie team clearing her path.
And she couldn’t be distracted by her own emotions when she met Kent.
She needed all her wits to keep the world from exploding.
In that second, she realized her mind was circling the problem like that chopper hovering over the ground outside.
She wasn’t doing anything that Liam didn’t do.
He left to join Blackout. Not any military team but a deep ghost ops team. He couldn’t be distracted by his emotions, not when he was trying to keep the world from exploding too.
Another wet tear splashed on the nylon of her bag, leaving a dark spot like a wound. She scrubbed at her face with the heel of her hand.
“Stupid. You’re being stupid,” she muttered to herself. Another tear streamed down her cheek. Helpless, she snatched a top from her bag and mopped her face.
A knock startled her, and she dropped the blouse with a gulping breath.
The door eased open, and Kennedy slipped in first, her blonde hair caught up in a messy knot. Sophie followed. Their faces carried the same hint of sympathy mixed with the look of women who’d already pieced together the story.
“I need to go in a minute.”
Sophie nodded. “We know.”
“Don’t you both have roles in the op?” Elin tried to sound composed, but her voice cracked halfway through.
Kennedy assessed her like a concerned sister might. If Elin had a sister, instead of no one. “The team is caught in a last-minute briefing, so we thought we’d take a minute to check on you.”
Elin issued a rough laugh. “You mean check on the woman who can’t keep her emotions out of the mission?”
Sophie crossed the room to slip an arm around her shoulders. “We all know what it’s like to love a ghost. It’s not easy.”
She sniffled.
Sophie gestured to her bag on the bed. “So you’re leaving?”
“Con gave me clearance to work remotely. I told him I need space. That’s not the same as quitting. I just can’t stay here…wanting…aching for something I can’t have.”
Kennedy drifted forward and sat on the edge of the bed. “You think we didn’t all feel that at one time?”
Elin met her gaze, surprised by the raw honesty there.
“Honey, these men are trained to push their feelings down. When they signed on, they had to give up the idea of ever having a relationship, a family. Then it slowly became possible.”