10. Amber
10
AMBER
Ben
Maybe we can reschedule? I feel really bad about tonight
Me
It’s okay, just work on getting better. Rest. Chicken soup. That kinda thing
Ben
I’ll text you when I’m feeling better, we can make another time and place
I stare at his text, unsure what to say. I’ve seen photos of Ben from his sister, and he’s cute and normal looking, but I don’t know why I’m not as excited as I thought I’d be with the idea of rescheduling our date. I mean, I haven’t even given the guy a chance.
Me
Okay
Ben
Do you mean that?
I take a breath. Maybe I’m just feeling off? I don’t know what it is. Maybe I just repel men. The last time I tried a blind date, that didn’t go down so well either.
Me
Of course
Ben
Okay enjoy the weekend
Me
You too
He probably won’t be enjoying it if he’s laid up in bed sick. I also don’t have the heart to tell him I’m still using the tickets and taking Bronco. There’s no point wasting good tickets to the Pelicans. I love watching them live.
When I drop Olive off at Indigo and Harlem’s, they all jump up and down when Indi says she’s going to take them over to her bakery; NOLA Sweet Treats, so they can pick some cakes out for the sleepover. I’m glad Olive has found her new friends because it’s making the transition here, without her mom, a little easier.
Audrina is also there, heavily pregnant, and I give her a big hug. “How long do you have now?” I ask as she strokes her belly.
“Anytime now,” she says. “Another week, two at the most.”
“You must be so excited.” I try not to think back to my previous two miscarriages, and the shame that went with it from Vince and my sister wives. Not bringing a child into the world, under those circumstances, is a blessing.
“I’m just ready to meet her,” she says, smiling wistfully. “Though this pregnancy has been a breeze compared to the last time. Asher gave me hell. That was almost thirty years ago, so I could be a little rusty on the details.”
Asher is Nevada’s real name, but Audrina refuses to use biker names, preferring to call Hustler by his real name: West.
I laugh. “We’re talking about Nevada,” I remind her. “So, there’s every possible chance you have it correct.”
“Oh, he wouldn’t keep still. He couldn’t wait to come out into the world.”
“How is he feeling about having a little sister with such a big age gap?”
Audrina smiles. “He’s used to the idea now. Especially since having twins.”
“I think that’s so adorable.” I can be happy for other people that are having kids, that’s the thing. I’ve never felt a maternal instinct to have my own, and I don’t think that will change anytime soon even if I could have kids. I feel content being Aunty A.
“They’re so stinkin’ cute!”
“I think they had a pretty good chance with the family gene pool.”
We embrace again before I head off to get ready for tonight. Okay, it’s not a date night, I get it. But since Olive ratted me out anyway, there’s no need to keep denying that I still want to look cute. There’s nothing wrong with that. Plus, usually at the live games there’s tons of hot guys there. Two birds, one stone, or something like that.
I have a long soak in the tub; something else I don’t really have time for, and I read some of my book while I soak. Like clockwork, texts start buzzing through my phone. After the third one in a row. I pick it up, smiling to myself when I see who it is.
Bronco
Enemies to lovers. It’s a thing
Bronco
I don’t get why they don’t just bang
Bronco
Okay, they did bang
Bronco
They’re banging a lot
Bronco
I’m never eating a cucumber again
I laugh out loud, putting my book aside as I text back.
Me
Oh, you can’t handle a little ‘vanilla’? Poor baby
Bronco
If this is vanilla, I’m fucked
Me
I did try to warn you there were vegetables involved
Bronco
Now I know what y’all are reading, frankly, I’m shocked
Me
You are not. You just wish you could be more creative with salad
Bronco
Careful, I’m still reeling from the St. Andrews Cross and sex chaise comment
Me
Don’t tell me you didn’t know what those things were?
Bronco
I do now
Bronco
What r u doin’?
Me
Soaking
Bronco
In the tub?
Me
No in the non-existent pool outside. Yes, the tub!
Bronco
You’re naked and reading smutty books in the tub?
Me
I am usually naked in the tub, yes
Bronco
I mean, anyone would think you had a hot date tonight and you’re preparing for it
Me
I’m preparing for that hot dog you’re gonna buy me at half time
Bronco
Me
Fine, I’m having two just for that
Bronco
You can have as many hotdogs as you want, Princess, just never ask me to cut up cucumber ever again
Me
I’ll be sure not to do that. Now go away, I’m trying to relax
A few minutes pass by…
Bronco
What chapter are you up to?
Me
Chapter 15
Bronco
Shit you read fast, maybe we should get into audio books?
I laugh out loud.
Me
You didn’t just say that
Bronco
Why not?
Me
You wanna hear some hot guy’s sexy voice in your ears?
Bronco
Won’t there be a chick’s sexy voice, too?
Me
True, it’s worth the trade-off
Bronco
I think I could be a voice narrator
Me
Bronco
Thanks for the vote of confidence
Me
I’d love to hear you say the word cock out loud, that would be priceless
Bronco
You think I can’t be dirty, but you’re sadly mistaken
Me
Taking tips from the book boyfriends? You could learn a lot
Bronco
Why do you think I’m a member of the Happy Hangout
Me
Touché
I set the phone aside, chuckling to myself at his ridiculousness. A voice narrator? Then again, there aren't enough hot male voice actors if you ask me. Bronco may have a point. His voice is deep and manly. I just don’t know if he’s fully grasped what’s really involved with reading some of those scenes aloud. Audio books? I seriously can’t take this man anywhere.
I’m a Pelicans girl through and through; wearing my t-shirt and matching hoodie with my favorite jeans. I’m not dressing up for game night; this shit is important and I need to be comfortable. I pull on my comfiest sneakers and put on a little makeup, nothing too dramatic.
I was going to meet my original date at the venue, but Bronco, being the gentleman that he is, insisted on picking me up on his motorcycle. I can’t say I mind. I love riding, and I don’t get to do it as much as I’d like. This is also not something that usually happens to any of the women of the MC unless you’re an ol’ lady. It sends a message, which is why I’ve rarely rode with Bronco in the years I’ve known him. Him rescuing me that time doesn’t count. This however, it feels like a real date.
When he knocks on my door at six-thirty, I ignore the butterflies in my stomach. This is Bronco, asshat! I’ve been out with him so many times I’ve lost count, so why does tonight feel different? Maybe because he’s been showing interest in a lot more than my books lately, or am I just imagining it?
I open it and my eyes almost bug out of my head when I see Bronco in a matching sweater, and a cap, with jeans and sneakers on. I’ve barely seen Bronco in anything except his MC cut in all the time I’ve known him, plus countless Henley’s and t-shirts, but never in anything so casual… and he smells like a fucking dream. The scent of pine, burnt whiskey and some kind of cedar permeate my senses and I wonder why I’ve never noticed it before. In fact, why haven’t I noticed a lot of things about Bronco before? His face is visually perfect; the dark brow that frames those pretty amber, sometimes green eyes that seem to change color depending on his mood. He has high cheekbones, and a lovely olive complexion I’d kill for. His jaw is set, the grin on his face making him look less intense than hit six-five stature, massive shoulders that are wider than a Buick, and biceps that defy the laws of gravity.
“Hey, pretty lady.” He tips his hat and it makes me laugh.
“Hello yourself.” I motion to his sweater. “Nice.”
“I thought since this wasn’t a date, we could embarrass ourselves and look like we’re twinning.”
I snort, letting him inside. “I’ve just gotta grab my bag, come in.”
My apartment is small, but it’s cozy and safe. I’ve worked hard to be able to afford a nice place with security. That’s been high on my agenda ever since I ran away from my old life.
It may have taken me years to be able to sleep properly at night, but now I have no problem at all unless I’m stressed about something. Like Erica. The need to get it off my chest almost burns a hole in place of where my heart should be. I didn’t get a chance to speak to Star, but I’m going to call her first thing Monday. Hopefully we can get the ball rolling and find out where she is.
“I got you something,” he says, following me up the small hallway toward the kitchen.
“You didn’t have to do that, Bronc. You’ve bought me enough.”
“Well, we can’t be twinsies if you don’t look the part.” He pulls out another cap from the plastic bag under his arm.
I grin. “I don’t know if this spells out we love the Pelicans?”
He chuckles. “You don’t have to wear it if it’ll ruin your hair.”
I washed and dried my hair, but tied it up in a ponytail; my usual modus operandi. “It’s perfect, thanks.” I slide it on my head, hooking my ponytail through the back and adjust it to fit properly.
“Looks good on you.”
“Most hats do. I have a gift for it, except for Kapps with a K,” I blurt. Where the Hell did that come from?
“Kapps?” He laughs. “Like the Amish?”
I open my mouth then close it again, the blood draining from my face. Okay, I wasn’t Amish, or anything close to it, but that came out of nowhere. “Uh, never mind.”
“Were you in a religious cult I’m not aware of?” He leans one hand on the counter, a smirk on his face that he has no idea wrecks me to the very core.
The color drains fully now, and I stand there in complete shock until he says, “Amber?”
“It’s, uh, no—” I also can’t lie to him. I turn my back on him to go fetch my bag from the other room. “I’ll be right back.” Thankfully, he doesn’t follow me, but he does hover.
I panic, my hand at my throat as I feel tears well in my eyes, my heart racing. I know it was a joke, one that I started, but I just wasn’t thinking. I haven’t talked to anyone about any of this, aside from Audrina, and even she doesn’t know the half of it. It’s a part of my life that is in the past now, and that’s where it’s going to stay, but it still rocks me like a grenade when I think about my time in that church.
I try not to have a panic attack. After fussing around in my room with my bag and its contents, I grab everything and head back to face the music. Bronco is exactly where I left him in the kitchen. I don’t meet his gaze, but I know his face is etched with concern because he isn’t moving.
“Amber, did I say somethin’ to upset you?”
“No, I shouldn’t have brought up the Kapp with a K thing.”
“Look at me, please.”
I do as he says, my gaze darting to his. To see his concern for me written in those gorgeous eyes, it constricts my heart. “I’m fine.”
“Is this to do with your past? The one you never talk about.”
“I have talked about it.”
“Yeah, that your ex was a dick, but not much else. I get that you probably don’t wanna ever speak his name again, but you know you can tell me anythin’. If I’ve upset you, I want to know.”
I swallow hard. “You’re right, I don’t like talking about it, but you hit the nail on the head, okay? I was in a religious cult, and my ex was a complete nut job, is that enough for you?” I’m being rude, I know I’m being rude, but the words fly out before I can stop them.
“I’m sorry, I had no idea.” His words are sincere.
I drop my head. “It’s my fault for not thinking?—”
“You never have to think before you speak around me, ever.” He tilts my chin up so I’m looking at him again. “You also don’t have to talk about anythin’ you don’t feel comfortable with, which I’m guessin’ you don’t since this is the first I’m hearing about it.”
“I don’t like bringing up that part of my life,” I whisper. “It makes me sad, then I get to thinking about what happened all over again, and I never, ever want to go back there, even in my mind.”
He nods. “I’m sorry?—”
“You’ve nothing to be sorry about.” A fucking traitorous tear slides down my cheek and I’m mortified.
Bronco catches it with his thumb. “Do you need me to deal with him?” His voice is low and serious.
I shake my head. “No. He doesn’t live here, or anywhere close to here. Please, let’s leave it alone. Can we go now?”
He stares at me for another moment, the mood has plummeted from fun and giddy to whatever this is; glum and sad. “We can go, if you still want to?”
“Of course I want to. I just…” I blow out the air in my cheeks. “I brought something up, and now I’ve made you feel bad about it.”
He pulls the front of my cap down, tucking the loose strands behind my ears. “I feel bad if I upset you, that’s all. It wasn’t my intention.”
“There you go again, taking all the blame.” My face softens. He truly is the sweetest creature I’ve ever met. “Let’s just rewind. Can we go back to the part where you put the basketball cap on my head and said we were twinsies?”
I see his throat bob, and now I feel guilty that he’s thinking about it. I hope he doesn't ask me about it again. That isn’t Bronco’s style, but I know it’s not something you hear every day.
“You look pretty,” he tells me. “Too pretty to be seen with the likes of me.”
“Now you’re just being kind.”
“Nope.” It’s then I realize his hands are still cupping my face. “I mean every word. In fact, I’m happy to be your chaperone on any future dates.”
Future dates?
“Yeah,” I joke. “Just what I need; you in the middle when the dude is trying to hold my hand.”
“Hey, someone’s gotta make sure he’s on his best behavior.” He finally moves his hands away as if he’s just realized, too.
“I’m sure nobody will make any moves when they find out you’re my best friend.”
“Woah, I’ve been upgraded from friend to best friend.” He high-fives me, and I laugh. “Though I do recall Olive sayin’ you talk about me all the time.”
I sigh. “I wondered when you were going to bring that up.”
He smirks, his eyes still a little wary, but he’s trying to lighten the mood. I really want to go to the game, forget about adult shit and cults for a while and just have some fun.
He shrugs. “Kids don’t lie, and I’ve got some questions about other vegetables on the ride over to the arena.”
I laugh out loud. “The Happy Hangout is not in session when we’re at the game.”
He pouts. “I’m really gettin’ into it. Trix has some sass, she reminds me of you.”
I laugh again. “She does?”
“Uh huh, giving the main dude a hard time because she can, that and he is bein’ a dick the majority of the time because he secretly likes her but won’t man up.”
“Oh, he mans up,” I snicker.
“Yeah, thanks for that. Not only do men have to compete with vibrating toys that have thirty fuckin’ speeds, and suction roses that aren’t from the garden variety like I once thought, but now we have to be inferior of vegetables, too?”
I slap him on the chest lightly. “Stop it!”
“What? It’s true. A man’s penis is like the least appealing thing on the menu these days.”
He’s ridiculous, but he still makes me laugh. “That isn’t true.” I pat him on the chest. “Don’t worry, your manhood is still safe with me.”
Our eyes lock and something passes between us. I step back, removing my hands from him, clearing my throat.
“You ready, Princess?” He speaks before I get the chance.
“I’m ready to eat my bodyweight in hotdogs and scream for Alvarado to beat his best score or rebound record.”
“Not gonna happen.”
“Ye of little faith.” He lets me walk ahead of him as I grab my door key and shove it into my bag. I lock the house behind us, send a quick text to Indi to check on Olive, and then Bronco is shoving a helmet on my head, fastening it before he hops on first.
I don’t know how I feel.
A little numb. A little nervous. After my admission, I’m realizing that I have deep shame when it comes to my past, and maybe that will always be a part of me. I thought I’d buried it, but clearly I still have some work to do.
My gut clenches remembering his face when he thought he’d made me sad. Why does he have to be so freaking perfect? I know he’d lay his life on the line for me, and has done before, for so little in return. If he’s not into me like a potential girlfriend, then what is his endgame? Does he have one? I know deep down in my heart that Bronco doesn’t have a mean bone in his body where I’m concerned, or the ones he cares about. But I’ve seen him in action. I saw what he did to those two goons who stalked me, and I never want him finding out about Vince. Not that I think he’d travel to Illinois, but I wouldn’t put it past him.
That’s what it is. The past. It has nothing to do with where I’m at right now.
I slap a smile on my face as I press my body against his, enjoying his warmth as I wrap my arms around his waist. It shouldn’t feel so comfortable. It shouldn’t feel like my safe space because I don’t want to put that on him, but I ignore my feelings and tell myself it’s okay.
It’s okay to feel good, and it’s okay to enjoy the company of a man who doesn’t expect anything in return. We joke around about sex toys and penises, but I know that’s just our sense of humor. Bronco would never force me to do anything I didn’t want to. The question is, do I want to? And if so, what do I do about it next?