Chapter 21
An hour was a long time to be sitting in an SUV with five irritated men.
Well, maybe only four were still annoyed with me.
Brooks seemed to have forgiven me for my wishy-washy behavior but, Declan, Max, Kyle, and Thad were all still standoffish.
Al Qatif may’ve only been a forty-five-minute drive according to the map, but traffic at the border crossing was a nightmare.
We still had at least another half hour before we arrived and I couldn’t take another second of the silence.
“All right, enough. I know why you all are pissed at me, but I can’t take it anymore,” I blurted out. “Will someone please just tell me I was acting like a whiney bitch so we can get on with it?”
“You’re acting like a whiney bitch,” Thad said.
Okay, maybe that stung more than I thought it would.
“You ready to spit out whatever the hell is bothering you?” Kyle asked.
No. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I was the one who opened the door. Maybe silence wasn’t such a bad thing after all.
“Didn’t think so,” he went on after a beat.
“I fucked up the last time I was in Saudi Arabia. I was stupid and rushed and almost died because of my poor decision making. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt because of my stupidity.”
“You can’t be talking about when you were a POW.” Max turned around from the passenger seat to look at me.
“You mean when I got captured because I didn’t listen to all my intel? Yeah, Max, that time.”
“You can’t let that fuck with your head,” Thad advised.
“Kinda hard not to when every time I look in the mirror I’m reminded of what an idiot I was.”
“Get over it,” Declan demanded.
He was driving so he couldn’t see the daggers my glare was shooting in his direction and unfortunately, I didn’t have any Jedi mind tricks perfected. The ones that would make him go up in a plume of smoke.
“Come again?”
“Didn’t stutter, Tatiana.”
“No. You didn’t, but it was kinda a dick thing to say.”
“Seriously? You think you’re the first person to be held against their will and take a few hits?”
Was it possible for someone’s head to spontaneously combust? Because I think mine was going to explode.
“No, you jackass. I know I’m not. All I’m saying is?—”
“That you feel sorry for yourself?”
“Watch it, bro…” Brooks’ tone held a whole new meaning of menacing.
I didn’t need him to stick up for me, and the last thing I needed was for the two of them to get into a fight because of me. This was ridiculous.
“I don’t feel sorry for myself. I was just explaining why I no longer trust myself.”
“Which brings me back to my previous advice. Get over it.”
“Okay, Declan. Whatever.”
I was stupid for even starting the conversation. I should’ve known better. All alpha men were the same. Bury it. Lock it down. Don’t think about it. Worry about unpacking the cargo container of feelings later when it’s busting at the seams ready to spew all over the place.
Real healthy.
“Do you trust me to lead this mission?” Declan asked.
“Yes.” If I hadn’t been in a car full of men, I would’ve ignored him.
“Do you trust me to have your back?”
I felt like I was walking into a trap. But I answered anyway, “Yes.”
“By your logic, you shouldn’t. And I should no longer trust myself.
You made a bad play and as a result some assholes took you and almost killed you.
I fucked up, listened to the wrong person, and got a ten-man platoon captured.
Two were murdered before we’d even made it back to the warlord’s compound. ”
Shit, fuck, and damn. I knew this story.
I was still with the CIA when it happened.
The whole situation down in Panama was a clusterfuck.
Declan had sent a Ranger platoon in to take out a high-value target but it was a set-up.
His intel was bad and the Rangers were ambushed.
From the story I’d heard, Declan had called it in to the higher-ups but didn’t wait for backup.
He went in alone and saved the remaining eight men.
It was a bloody massacre by the time Declan had saved them.
The legend went, Dec had single-handedly killed fifteen men.
I wasn’t privy to the after-action report, however, I believed the rumors.
Eight men did indeed come home alive and Declan had no support during the rescue mission.
“That was different,” I tried.
“The hell it was. We make do with the information we have in the field. We go on gut feelings. Sometimes it pans out, other times it doesn’t.
You have to get over it. If you can’t, you’re gonna be working a desk.
Sometimes all you have is a split second and instinct.
What happened to you was jacked. But guess what?
There’s not a man in this vehicle who doesn’t bear the scars of battle. Wear that shit proud. You survived.”
That was easy for him to say, he wasn’t a woman. As sexist as it was, a man bearing the marks of war was acceptable. It made him look tough and manly. Scars on a woman made her undesirable. And when a man fucked up it could be chalked up to a bad day. When a woman did, she was incompetent.
“Not sure our situations were the same.”
“You don’t think I wasn’t where you are?
You think I didn’t second-guess myself, almost get more people hurt because I was behaving like a pussy who couldn’t make up his mind?
You think I didn’t lie awake at night going over every detail, all the ways I’d screwed up?
I beat myself up about it more than anyone else could.
Two men went home in a pine box because of me.
Two. That’s what I live with. I don’t need marks on my body to remind me.
Their deaths are seared into my skin, on my soul.
So what? You fucked up, Tatiana. You rushed your op.
Learn from it. Reflect on it. Move on from it. That simple.”
It wasn’t as simple as Declan made it sound, but he wasn’t wrong.
If I didn’t learn to trust myself again, I’d make more mistakes.
Possibly get someone killed. Wasn’t that why I was vacillating to begin with?
That and the fact I’d never worked with a real team.
I hadn’t forgotten Zane’s warning to me either, these men would give their lives for me, and each other.
I needed to sort my shit out, which again, was easier said than done.
“I’m straight,” I told him.
“Are you?”
“Yes.”
“Great. You and Brooks will go scout Nazari’s location when we get to Al Qatif.
Max, Thad, you’ll take the known locations and restaurants he frequents.
Garrett sent over a list. Kyle, you’ll stay with me and go over the house blueprints.
After a little recon we’ll decide the best course of action. ”
Four men muttered, ‘copy that,’ and I remained silent thinking about what both Brooks and Declan had told me.
Intellectually I knew they were right. But after everything my douchebag ex-husband had drilled into my head, it was hard.
Every chance he got he pointed out my inadequacies.
Nothing I did was good enough. One time he’d even gone as far as telling me it was a good thing I’d quit the CIA, that I was too weak to be an agent.
He’d gone on to say, men were much better suited for field work.
James wasn’t always a dick. When I fell in love with him, he was kind and supportive.
He’d valued my opinions and often praised my insight on situations and subjects.
But after we got married he changed. And when he got pulled from deployment rotation and was sent to X Division at the SEAL training command, he really changed.
He turned into a mean asshole and always had something to complain about.
It was hard to trust yourself after you’d been really wrong about two life-changing situations. Bottom line was, I had to pull my shit together or Declan was right, I was better off behind a desk.
Brooks reached over and picked up my hand, interlacing our fingers. He gave it a squeeze before resting our hands back on the seat between us. I closed my eyes and soaked up all the support and encouragement Brooks was offering. I hadn’t known how much I needed it.
Please God, don’t let Brooks be my third big mistake.