Chapter Twenty-Seven
He sat with his hands clasped loosely in his lap, giving the appearance of a man who was relaxed, yet he was far from that. In fact, just thinking back to that time made nausea swirl in his stomach.
“How so?” Liberty asked.
Toby had told Edward he needed to speak with his sister, and being alone in the carriage was his best chance of getting her to listen to him. He’d agreed, after Liberty’s brother had told Toby he’d have several things to say to him if he hurt her.
“This is not easy for me to speak of, Liberty, but I owe you the truth so you understand why I did what I did. Why I sent you away.”
Her lovely eyes were fixed intently on his. Looking at her, knowing she was just inches from him, eased some of the tension inside Toby.
“I met Jamie and Anthony on the first day I arrived at Blackwood House. We were new, and it was natural we became friends. All from wealthy, noble families, and eager to start this new adventure.”
Toby felt his fists curl on his thighs but couldn’t stop it. He had to do this for her… for them.
“From the day we entered that place we were beaten and subjected to things I cannot speak of even years later, Liberty.”
“No!”
“Yes. It was prolonged, vicious, and broke us.” He couldn’t look at her… not yet.
She made a sound like a wounded animal, and he felt her move to take the seat beside his, but Toby was back there, deep in the memory and could do nothing to comfort her.
“My parents wouldn’t listen when I wrote to them. Father had lived in Blackwood while at school, and said I needed to just get on with things. When I came home for Mathew’s death, I could say nothing then, as they were grieving.”
“As were you, Tobias,” she said, taking his fist in both her hands. Holding it tight, giving him her support.
“I went back, and endured it for years, and then one day Anthony’s three aunts came to visit him.
Our housemaster, who was the evilest of all our tormentors, told him he was not to speak a word of what went on behind closed doors.
But they knew something wasn’t right with their nephew. He broke down and told them.”
“Thank God,” she whispered.
“Two of them stormed into Blackwood, and they told the housemaster that if this treatment did not stop, they would make him pay dearly. Not only that, but they would also speak to each of our families and detail everything that was happening. They would not stop until the school’s reputation was destroyed. ”
“Tell me that put an end to this hell you lived?” Liberty whispered from beside him.
He opened his hand and held her fingers between his.
“It did. We were ignored from that day on.”
“I’m so sorry, Toby.”
He turned to look at her finally, their faces close.
“I said those hateful things to you because I was broken inside, and I knew I would hurt you if I stayed your friend. Something in me changed at Blackwood Hall, and for a long time, I believed I would be no one else. The rage and fear were so fierce they consumed me.”
“Toby.” She whispered his name, anguished on his behalf.
“I couldn’t get close to anyone but Anthony and Jamie, or I would hurt them… hurt you.”
“I’m so sorry, Tobias. If only I’d known, I would have—”
“No. I didn’t want anyone to know,” he said gripping her fingers.
“And now?”
“Now I have a reason to be different. Now I have a reason to live,” he said slowly.
“Florence,” she whispered.
“And you.” He pressed his lips to hers and she didn’t pull away. “I have realized since you came back into my life—”
“Toby—”
“Yes, you are back in my life,” he insisted. “I want that.” I want you.
“You hurt me.” The words brushed his lips, her eyes so close now he could see the flecks of gold. “And for so long, I vowed never to forgive you. My hurt changed to rage. So many times I thought about what I’d say to you one day.”
“What would you say to me?” He touched her cheek.
She shook her head. “It no longer matters.”
“It matters very much to me, Liberty.” He wanted her with a desperation that rocked him, but this time Toby did not fight that need. He didn’t push down the emotion.
“I gave you something I’ve never given another person,” she said.
“What did you give me?”
“Everything. Trust, friendship, and yes, love.” He saw the truth in her eyes and realized just how much he’d hurt her.
“When you went away, I knew you’d come home, even if it was years later. Perhaps that was naive of me,” she said. “But I always believed that deep inside you would be a part of my life.”
“I’m sorry, Liberty.”
“No. I’m sorry, because I didn’t see what had happened to you, only my pain. I should have tried harder to understand, but thought only of myself.”
He ran his eyes over her face, mapping every inch. His old friend had grown into a beautiful woman. His woman. The rightness of those words settled deep inside him.
“I hate those men for what they did to you, Toby. Were they made to pay for their acts?”
Toby cupped her cheek, running a thumb over the warm soft skin. He could get used to touching Liberty Talbot.
“Some have paid, others we are not finished with.”
She looked worried.
“There are ways to do things when it is not obvious who is doing them, Liberty.”
“I am pleased you are punishing them, although I doubt it goes anywhere near close enough to what they did to you.”
He smiled at her anger on his behalf.
“So you forgive me just like that?”
Her sigh was small. “I’m not sure it will be that easy. After all, I’ve carried anger toward you inside me for many years, but I will be happy to not feel tense, like a cat out in the rain whenever you are close.”
“I’m truly sorry, Liberty. More sorry than I can say, but all I knew was anger and shame back then and not how to deal with what I’d endured, and how it had left me feeling.”
Her fingers tightened around his. “There is no shame on your part,” she said, her eyes full of fire. “That is all on them, those that hurt you and your friends.”
“I have no right to ask you to trust me not to hurt you again, Liberty.”
She studied him through those cool blue eyes for long seconds. He felt exposed but didn’t look away. In that moment, he did something he hadn’t before. Allowed himself to be vulnerable for her. His old friend, who he knew meant a great deal more to him now.
“I trusted the boy you were,” she whispered.
“But not the man I have become?”
“I don’t really know the man you are now.”
“Do you want to?” The tension inside him climbed as she stared at him.
“I do,” she whispered.
More of the ice inside him thawed. Losing Liberty was yet another painful memory he could now let go of.
“And you are wrong, you know, Tobias.”
“About what?” His finger traced her cheek.
“You’re not broken.”
Three simple words and they completely undid him. He felt the sting of tears and swallowed to force them back down.
Liberty tugged her hand free and cupped his cheeks. “You are so much stronger than what that place did to you, Toby. You wouldn’t have survived and, yes, thrived in your own way if you weren’t.”
He looked into her eyes and saw the tears that, as with him, she fought to hold back.
“Do I wish you had dealt with this another way and told me? Yes, but I also know this was your way of surviving what happened to you.”
“Liberty,” he rasped. He took off her glasses and placed them in his pocket. Then he was kissing her. Deep and desperate, right then he needed this woman more than he’d needed anyone in a long time.
She took everything he gave and returned it. Her hands went to his hair, his to her waist, pulling her closer, so close she was soon in his lap. Where one kiss finished, another started.
“Stop me,” he whispered against her lips.
“No.” The hands in his hair tugged him closer. Nothing separated them but clothes, and that was too much. His body was hard, his hands trembling with the need to touch and taste her like an innocent youth.
One hand moved, unbuttoning her spencer. Toby’s fingers touched the soft skin of her neck. Tracing the curve of her bodice and the swells of her breasts above the neckline of her dress, he swallowed her soft moan.
“I missed you very much,” he said, easing back to look at her. “We talked about entering society and what it would be like for us, and while I knew I’d enter first, that you would be there one day was something I’d always believed. Then you were, and we were strangers.”
“I didn’t want to enter society,” Liberty said.
“Because you knew I was there?”
“You were one reason, but after the accident, everything that had been so easy no longer was.”
“I’m sorry you suffered.” He stroked her cheek again.
“It was not your fault,” she said, her eyes holding his. “We were young when we were friends. I sometimes wondered if in my head I’d made up how close we were. In the moments when I struggled with what you’d told me that day—”
“I have outgrown you, Liberty,” Toby said, remembering his words clearly. “I have no further wish to be your friend. From this day forth, we are merely acquaintances. Please do not call here again.”
She closed her eyes, and he caught the tear that rolled down her cheek. “Your words were so hard and cold. So final.”
“Forgive me, dear friend.” He kissed her again, needing to erase the memory of the pain he’d inflicted upon her.
“Yes.” She breathed against his lips. A single word that humbled Toby, and then it was her kissing him.
“I want you, Liberty, but have no right to take you.” Toby pulled back. “No right to touch and kiss you more than I already have here in this carriage. However, I fear I cannot stop.”
“I won’t break, Tobias.”
“But you are innocent.” He traced her full bottom lip.
“I’m also an old maid, and therefore able to make my own decisions.”
“Liberty, you could never be an old maid, and you need to move to the other seat right now before I forget I am a gentleman.”
She leaned into him, sliding her hand around his neck. “Kiss me,” she whispered against his lips, and those two words lit a fire inside Toby. He forgot his good intentions and did as she asked.
Soon the only sound was of their mouths devouring each other again. His hands roamed her body, as hers stroked his neck and tangled in his hair.
“I want to touch all of you,” he whispered raggedly.
“I want that too.”
He tugged down her bodice, baring her full breasts, and then cupped the soft flesh. Liberty moaned low in her throat.
She was a fire in his veins Toby wasn’t sure he’d ever extinguish. The control he prided himself on having fled, and in its place was this burning inside him to take more of what she offered. Lifting her, he lowered Liberty, so she was straddling his thighs.
“Tobias—”
“Toby. I want to be Toby to you again.”
“Toby,” she breathed.
“I will stop at any time if that is your wish, Liberty. But this burning need to be with you, touch you. It consumes me.”
He studied her. Eyes heavy lidded, lips swollen from his kisses.
She looked ravished. His hands had pulled strands of her hair free, and with her breasts bare, Liberty looked like every one of his fantasies.
His friend, his life, and his love. He kept those words to himself for now, but knew them for the truth.
In that moment, he knew what his future held. It would be with this woman and Florence, and for the first time in many years, Toby felt hope.