Chapter 23
Isaac
Trevor walks back into the kitchen just as I’d started to worry he may have gotten lost.
He shoots me a smile that seems off. But then he takes hold of my hand and lifts it, placing a short kiss over a freckle on my wrist, and my thoughts scatter to the wind.
The twitch of Trevor’s lips tells me he knows exactly how affected I am, but his touch doesn’t linger. He retakes his chair at the table as I follow, everyone else already seated.
Todd dives into his lasagna first, immediately making a hashafashasha sound as he tries not to burn his mouth. “Good sausage,” he manages, shooting my mom a thumbs-up.
She rolls her eyes affectionately. “It’s still hot,” she reminds the rest of us.
I start with a breadstick, watching Trevor to see if I can spot any of that odd expression he had when he first walked into the room. But he seems fine, blowing on a forkful of lasagna before testing a small bite.
“This is really delicious,” he tells my mom.
“I’m glad you like it,” she says warmly. “The recipe is a family favorite.”
“By family, she means me,” Todd interjects. “It’s my favorite.”
“Um. It was my favorite first,” I put in, somewhat indignant. “You’ve only been here like two minutes.”
“Try three-and-a-half years,” Lumi says matter-of-factly, referring to the length of our friendship. “And you guys can have the same favorite. It’s allowed, you know.”
“You all are just the sweetest,” my mom says, smitten as always with my friends.
Todd sticks his tongue out when she’s not looking, and I toss the last piece of my breadstick his way.
We chat about our classes some over the remainder of lunch, and my mom asks Trevor a bit more about his life.
He tells her about his uncle, about his jobs at the tattoo shop and the bar, and even what he’s reading right now for fun.
My mom is attentive, not that I expected otherwise, but I notice her waning as the meal progresses.
Todd seems to notice the same thing. “You feeling okay, Ms. Newport? You didn’t eat much.”
“Just a little tired,” she says, waving off his concern.
“Are you sick?” I ask, feeling her forehead.
Her lips turn into a smile. “Not that I’m aware of.”
“Have you been tired often lately?” Todd asks, a note in his tone I don’t like.
My mom frowns a little. “Maybe a touch more than usual. But I’m sure it’s just seasonal. You know how it is when the days are shorter this time of year.”
“Sure,” Todd says slowly. “Um. Your appetite, though. It’s normally okay?”
“Todd?” I ask, voice low.
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” he says, his smile tight. “When’s the last time you saw your doctor?”
“I’m honestly not sure,” my mom answers. “Maybe a year or more ago? I’m probably due, truth be told.”
Todd nods, getting out of his seat and rounding the table. He feels my mom’s neck with his fingertips, an act that has her shooting me an amused smile. I try to smile back, but my gut is hanging somewhere near the bottom of my socks.
“Probably just a cold,” Todd says at last. “But it wouldn’t hurt to see your doctor. Get the usual bloodwork and all that.”
I glance Lumi’s way. She looks as perplexed as me.
“Well,” my mom says lightly as Todd sits back down, “now that…whatever that was is taken care of, would anyone like dessert?”
We all agree to brownies, eating at the table as Lumi regales us with humorous mishaps from her Judo classes. I appreciate the change of topic, even as my mind occasionally wanders back to Todd’s concern.
We leave midafternoon so Trevor has plenty of time to get ready for his shift at the bar. My mom hugs us all tightly before we go, chuckling softly when my hug lasts a little longer than usual. I glance back at the house as we walk to the car, and my mom waves.
As soon as we’re inside the vehicle, I round on Todd. “What the fuck was that?”
He lets out a heavy sigh. “Isaac, I’m not going to speculate on something I don’t truly know.
I’m not a doctor. And like I said, it’s probably nothing.
People get fatigued sometimes. They have appetite loss.
They get swollen lymph nodes. All symptoms that could be correlated with an immune response related to an everyday cold. ”
“Or?” I say pointedly.
“Or it could be an immune response related to something else. Any number of things. Like I said, I’m not going to speculate when it’s not my place.”
Except that Todd has specialized knowledge when it comes to one particular ailment.
I swallow heavily, turning back around in my seat. There’s worry lining Trevor’s face, but I shake my head, not able to get into it right now. I don’t even want to think it.
The drive back to town is quiet, apart from Lumi singing along to the radio. I drop Trevor off first, wishing I could stay by his side tonight but knowing it’s not fair of me to distract him at work. I just want…
I want someone to cover me and block the rest of the world while telling me everything is okay.
It has to be.
Trevor’s touch pulls my focus as I park at his place, his palm on my cheek and his thumb running a circuit along my jaw. There’s nothing but warmth in his dark brown eyes. “Call me if you need anything? Anything at all.”
I nod, swallowing. “Text me when you get home from your shift?”
He smiles. “Will do, Red.”
Trevor kisses the tip of my nose before exiting the vehicle. I watch him walk out of sight, the tension in the car palpable.
“It’s probably nothing,” Todd says again, breaking the quiet. “Isaac…”
“I know,” I respond, willing myself to believe him.
His voice is small. “Did I fuck up?”
I twist his way, unbuckling my seat belt when it pulls tight. “Come here,” I tell him. Todd unbuckles, too, leaning forward so I can wrap my arms around him in the space between the seats. “You didn’t fuck up. I’m sorry if I sounded upset. I just…”
“I know,” he says, squeezing me tighter. Lumi’s hand runs over my arm, back and forth, offering support I pray I don’t need.
We drop Lumi off next at the dorms. She smacks a kiss against my cheek and then Todd’s before reminding us to text. As if we ever go longer than a few hours without. Todd and I are both silent the rest of the way home.
He stops inside the door of our house, looking at me like he wants to say something.
“I’m fine,” I assure him.
He nods, not pushing it.
The moment I’m inside my room, I pull out my phone.
Me: Promise me you’ll get a check-up soon?
My mom’s response doesn’t take long.
Mom: I will. Don’t fret, hon. Love you.
Me: Love you, too.
I force myself to leave my laptop closed, refusing to look up cancer symptoms on the internet in an attempt to figure out what Todd saw.
Like he said, it’s probably nothing.
Nothing at all to worry about.
“You sure are clingy today,” Trevor notes, not sounding the least bit upset about that.
I hum from my spot on his lap, a textbook open on mine and Trevor’s arms around me so he can work on his laptop.
He kisses the side of my head. “Okay, Red?”
“Sure,” I mumble, doing my best to focus on my schoolwork.
The library is quiet this morning, as it is many Monday mornings before the sun has even come up. Our table was free today, which is good. I don’t think Trevor would have been able to stop me from bodily hauling a potential interloper away.
Not when I’m this strung tight.
I’ve had a hard time letting go of my worry for my mom, a fact I think she knows based on the multiple calls and texts I’ve made to her over the past few days. She hasn’t called me out on it though.
And then there’s my dad.
I scowl thinking about our most recent conversation. The one where he confirmed event details for his company’s product launch the weekend after next. Part of me wishes I wouldn’t have agreed to go. But another part of me is glad. After this, I’m done. For a good long while. And my dad knows it.
I just hope these next couple weeks pass quickly and without incident so I can relax.
“Huh,” Trevor says, drawing my attention.
I reorient my thoughts to the present. “What is it?”
“An email from my professor.” He’s quiet for a moment, presumably reading. “My suspension has been lifted. I’ve…been cleared of all wrongdoing.”
I lean back enough to see his face, my pulse skipping. “That’s good, right? Holy shit. Trevor, that’s amazing.”
“Yeah,” he says slowly.
“Why aren’t you more excited?” I demand, pushing at his chest. “This isn’t the time for stoicism. You’re allowed to be a petty bitch.”
He chuckles. “I guess I just have mixed feelings about it. Yeah, it’s good.
It’s what I wanted. But…I shouldn’t have been in this position.
If the professor had done any actual investigation into the incident before accusing me based on his own bias, I wouldn’t be sitting here glad to have a suspension lifted that was wrongly placed to begin with. ”
I rub his arm, understanding as best as I can from an outside perspective. “Fuck that guy.”
He huffs another laugh. “I think I’m going to get my website started.”
I twist around fully to see him better, not having expected that in the least. My book thunks closed, but I don’t worry about it. “Really? Why now?”
He considers his words for a long moment.
Long enough for my gaze to have plenty of time to roam over him.
He’s wearing a turtleneck this morning, despite not having known if he’d be allowed back in his class.
It’s light blue and soft, such a gentle color for a man I’m fairly certain could take on the world and win.
I’ve loved these damn turtlenecks from the start, and now that I’m acquainted with what’s hiding underneath, they’re like a tease every time I glimpse Trevor in one.
But knowing why he’s wearing it today—to cover up for a man who has a certain measure of control over Trevor’s education—makes me want to burn the goddamn world down so he doesn’t have to face any of it to begin with.
“I’m dying to know what’s going through your head right now,” Trevor says, his gaze a mix of amused and something far softer.
I realize I’m twisting the fabric of his turtleneck in my fist and force my hand to loosen. “I probably shouldn’t say it aloud. It’s not rational.”
He hums. “Feelings rarely are.”
Clearing my throat, I give him a nudge. “Back on topic. What changed? With getting your website started now.”
Trevor relaxes back against his seat, his arms wrapped around me loosely.
“I’ve realized it doesn’t matter. If I get kicked out or not, it’s going to happen.
I’ve already planned everything out. All I’m doing is waiting around out of an abundance of caution.
And I guess… I don’t want to base my choices on hypothetical worst-case scenarios. ”
“Isn’t that kind of ingrained in a business major? Risk analysis and all that?”
“In a way. But getting kicked out wouldn’t affect my business. So why wait?”
I think that over, nodding. “So…you’re gonna do this?”
“I’m gonna do this.”
My grin is slow-growing. “My porn star boyfriend.”
Trevor smirks, although it’s a very modest smirk. “Not a star.”
“Yet,” I retort. “You better let me be your first subscriber. If I find out Lumi got the honor before me, there’ll be hell to pay. Hell, Trevor.”
“You’ll be the first,” he promises. “Although you know you don’t have to pay, right?”
I glare at him. “You will not stop me from supporting my boyfriend’s dreams.”
Trevor muffles a laugh against my hair. I try to hold on to my fake outrage, but his happiness makes that impossible.
So maybe it’s not a traditional dream, going into the business of pornography. But Trevor is going to make a lot of people very happy doing something he’s good at.
I can’t find any fault in that.
“Will you let me be there when you make your first new video?” I ask.
Trevor’s gaze takes on a heated edge. “You want to watch?”
“Always.”
I studiously ignore the bulge beneath my ass, easily identifiable even with Trevor soft.
He traces a path over the freckles on my cheeks and nose. “You’ll have a front-row seat, Red.”
“And then…after?” I can’t help but ask.
“Anything you want,” he tells me.
A loud throat clear has me nearly jumping off Trevor’s lap. Bev rolls by with a book return cart, giving us a warning look.
“We’re being quiet, Bev.”
She glances pointedly at the free chair next to Trevor’s, clearly of the opinion we shouldn’t be sharing. But she doesn’t say another word.
As soon as she’s past, I heave a sigh. “It’s not like we’re fucking on the goddamn chair.”
“That’d make a good porno,” Trevor mutters.
“Oh my God,” I hiss. “You can’t put that mental image in my head, Trevor. How am I supposed to go about my day thinking of you naked and surrounded by books? I’ll get nothing done.”
“You like that?” he asks, his voice dropping low. “Me, spread along with your favorite books?”
I groan, despite every ounce of my willpower fighting it. “Fuuuck.”
He chuckles, shutting his laptop as his phone chimes atop the table.
“You’re going to leave me like this?” I croak.
“Well, I could give you a hand…” he says, emphasizing the last word, “but Bev might catch us. And I’m pretty sure we’d never be allowed back in the library again.”
“True,” I murmur, forcing myself off Trevor’s lap. “So, uh…about that video.”
There’s a smile on his face as he packs up his belongings. “I need to set a few things up first. Maybe later this week?”
“Yeah,” I breathe.
“But…if you want to come over before then for dinner, I know my uncle would be happy.”
“Just your uncle?” I ask.
“Maybe me, too.”
“And now you’re playing coy,” I say, shaking my head. “I liked it better when you were threatening to chase me down and mount me.”
I’m not expecting Trevor’s hands to pull me around and frame my face. He looks at me earnestly, the way he always does, his voice the same. “If you run, Red, I will chase you.”
I can’t tell if it’s a promise or a threat. Either way, I hold it close.
I find my voice with some effort. “‘The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn.’”
His lips twitch as he backs up slowly, his hands falling away. “Emerson.”
I nod. “You’re going to do great, Trevor. You’ll be wildly successful, if not at the start then one day. I just know it.”
“When that happens, I hope you’re there to tell me you called it.”
Trevor turns the corner, walking out of sight. His meaning doesn’t click until minutes later.
He hopes I’m there. In his future.
I hope so, too.