Chapter Forty
Brynn
When I first leave school, I feel a strange burst of energy from my run-in with Killian.
I’m not sure it makes sense, but I don’t question it because I need that energy to get some schoolwork done.
Addison gets home hours later. I’m happy to see her, but having the place to myself, I was finally able to focus and go over the material I missed in class earlier.
“Hey,” she says, flashing me a smile as she puts her schoolbag down and starts to unload it.
“Hey,” I say back, mustering a little smile.
“Are you feeling any better?”
I nod. “Yeah. I’m sorry about last night. Everything happened really suddenly, and my former roommate was sleeping, so I just… I didn’t have anywhere to go.”
Actually, that reminds me Stacie never texted me back.
I put down the black and gray clicky pen I found in my bag. I think I accidentally stole it from the lounge when I was there today because I’ve certainly never seen it before, but it writes like a dream, so I’m keeping it.
I grab my phone and shoot a quick text to Stacie. “If the answer is no, that’s fine, but I do need my half of the security deposit back.”
I set my phone aside and turn my attention back to Addison. “Anyway, you’re an angel on earth and I appreciate you so much.”
“Well, I’m not that much of an angel,” she says, taking a seat on the edge of her bed and curling her leg beneath her other leg. “I knew about Sloane and Killian, and I didn’t warn you.”
“Yeah, I kinda figured.”
I didn’t want to say anything, but while I was lying in bed not sleeping, I had a chance to go over things, and I realized everyone knew.
When the Blue Bloods kidnapped me, Hex was essentially telling me Killian was going to fuck me over and making sure I’d keep my mouth shut anyway.
Ryan and Addison obviously knew.
I don’t know if Aubrey knew, but I’m pretty sure all the Blue Bloods did. It really feels like I’m the last to know, when arguably I should have been the most informed.
“I’m so sorry, Brynn. I wanted to tell you. I tried to hint and guide you without telling you, but…” She sighs. “You know about the Blue Bloods?”
I nod.
“Well, everyone says he is one, and when you interfere with a Blue Blood’s shenanigans, the outcome tends not to be so good for you. They’re total bastards, they will ruin your life—or take it—without blinking an eye.”
“I know. I understand why you didn’t say anything.”
“I just hate that you were blindsided like that.”
I nod. “It wasn’t the best, but I’ll survive.” Then, to lighten the mood a little, I tell her, “The worst part is we didn’t get to have Double Ryan night.”
Addison smiles. “Aw, don’t you worry. We’ll have Double Ryan night without him. Fuck Killian Walsh.”
Fuck Killian Walsh, indeed.
___
Killian texts me again before I go to bed, but I don’t answer him.
I can’t bring myself to delete the message chain yet, and I didn’t really read the messages I ignored earlier because my brain was just too foggy, but as I’m lying in bed in the dark, unable to sleep, I decide to scroll through them now.
The first one was last night after we left the apartment. “I’m so fucking sorry, Brynn. I didn’t want it to go like this.”
Yeah, me neither.
“I don’t think you should stay at the Zeta house. Why don’t you let me get you a hotel?”
Should have said something before I left with Sloane, but you didn’t want to say anything in front of her, did you? Asshole.
“Can you fucking answer me please?”
No.
“I’m worried about you.”
I roll my eyes.
“I miss you.”
Ouch.
My lips tug down sadly.
“I don’t want it to go like this.”
Me neither.
“I don’t want to lose you.”
I take a deep breath and close my eyes before I can read the next one.
“I can’t fucking lose you, Brynn.”
I can’t read any more.
I’ve felt better since I left school, more energized, but reading those texts, seeing him feeling some of the same stuff I hate that I’m feeling…
It sinks me low again, and I crawl forward to put my phone on the bookshelf separating Addison’s side of the room and mine.
It’s been a long couple of days, and I really just need to get some sleep.
___
On Wednesday I manage to stay present in my first class.
I think about going to the gym afterwards. I could certainly use the endorphins.
But I get halfway there and change my mind, so I head for the library to do some studying before my next class.
Just as I’m about to enter the building, someone comes out, so I take a step back.
And then I stop short when I see it’s Aiden.
“Oh, hi.”
“Looks like you’ve seen a ghost,” he quips.
I roll my eyes. “Almost. I haven’t heard anything about you since the fire. Wasn’t sure what happened.”
“Yeah, I figured I should probably lie low for a while after that so your crazy boyfriend didn’t feel compelled to finish what he started.” He lets that sit there for a second, then he says, “Well, I guess he’s not your crazy boyfriend anymore, huh? I heard you broke up.”
“Yeah.”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out keys. “Thought you might need these.”
My eyes widen slightly, and I reach for them. “My car key.”
He nods, shoving his hands back into his pockets. “I parked it over by the dining hall, close to the front so you’d be able to find it. I didn’t do anything to your car,” he assures me, shaking his head.
I believe him. “Thank you,” I say, though belatedly I realize since he’s the one who stole my car in the first place, he probably isn’t owed gratitude for returning it.
Still. I’d given up on ever seeing it again, so this is an enormous relief.
Aiden nods.
“I can’t get you a meeting or anything like that,” I say a touch awkwardly.
“I know,” he says. “It’s not about that.” Then, a touch more playfully, he says, “Believe it or not, I am capable of doing things without ulterior motives.”
I crack a smile. “Are you though?”
He smirks, his eyes twinkling with mischief. “Guess you’ll just have to trust me and see how it pans out.”
“In the interest of mutual trust, I should probably also tell you Killian was planning to buy me a new car, and I don’t think he will appreciate you helping me gain independence from him.”
He shrugs. “I’m not afraid of Killian.” He cocks his head in consideration. “I guess the guy did try to kill me, so maybe I should be. I don’t know, the fear center in my brain’s all fucked up. In any case, I don’t care.”
“Well… watch your back.”
He starts down the stairs, then turns back to face me when he gets on the sidewalk. “Don’t worry. I always do.”
___
While I did have to give in and shower in the shared bathroom this morning before classes, I have vehemently refused to go downstairs for anything.
There is a mini fridge full of bottled water on this floor with a fabric basket full of packets of salted almonds on top for emergency snacks, so I grab some and come back to the room to have those and a granola bar for dinner.
But, well, that’s depressing, and life is depressing enough right now.
Addison told me I was free to go downstairs and help myself to food if I wanted to. I’m not on their dining plan right now, but she assured me they won’t say anything about it. I haven’t wanted to because I’m worried girls will feel weird about me being here or I could bump into Sloane, but… well, I don’t want this to be my dinner, either.
So I make the walk downstairs.
I try to keep my head down and avoid notice as I enter the kitchen.
There’s a line in front of a buffet area where girls are getting food with workers on the other side, but I’m feeling too self-conscious about getting in the line, so I wander over to the counter where you can get food without talking to anyone. I grab a snack bag of pretzels, then I go over to the tower of fresh fruit and grab a tangelo. Then I grab a little pre-packed bowl of grapes and cheese, and since they have a coffee machine, I make myself a French vanilla coffee.
More satisfied with my makeshift dinner, I grab a couple of napkins and start to make my way out to the dining area, but I freeze when I hear Sloane Whitley’s voice on the other side.
“Why should it bother me that she’s here? They had a fling, and now it’s over. The end,” she says lightly.
“I just think it’s weird. He took her to Paris after the date auction, right? Doesn’t that piss you off?”
“No,” she says, her tone blasé. “We weren’t together then. Now we are. We’re moving forward, not looking back. We’ll make plenty of our own memories. We’ve already talked about going to the Alps with my family for Christmas this year and then visiting Paris in spring—and when we go, we’ll certainly stay longer than one night.”
“Has he met your family already? Do they like him?”
“Oh, yeah. My dad loves Killian. He’s coming to town this weekend and we’re all going to have dinner. I think it’ll be fun.”
“I don’t know,” her one friend says. “That whole situation would piss me off.”
“He is gorgeous though,” the other girl says. “Like, I’d be mad, but not mad enough that I wouldn’t still jump into bed with—er, I mean, obviously he’s yours, so not… but if…”
“I know what you mean,” Sloane says coolly. Then, her tone warming and turning sly, she says, “And he’s a fantastic kisser, so… it is hard to stay mad at him.”
Ouch.
I grimace, only fighting the urge to physically clutch my heart because my hands are full.
I don’t want to hear any more of this, so I go back the way I came, hoping I can sneak that way without any of them seeing me, but I don’t look in their direction to see whether I’ve been spotted.
I don’t care.
I’m not hungry anymore, either.
I actually feel quite sick.
I put my food down on the desk on my half of Addison’s room but all I can think about is what I just overheard.
The thought of Killian kissing her…
I grab my stomach, sinking down on the edge of the bed and trying to get a grip. I need to rally and eat my food, but I suddenly just want to die.
I shouldn’t allow myself to feel this way. I knew it was going to happen.
If he’s going to marry her, then he’s going to kiss her.
He’s going to do much more than kiss her.
Picturing her in my spot in his bed, his hands on her body, wipes out any remaining appetite I might have.
I’m too sad to eat, so instead I curl up in bed, turn on some sad music that hurts just the way I need it to, and hide under my blankets.
I don’t know how long I waste away in that agonizing cocoon, but that’s how Addison finds me when she gets home.
Seeing that I’m obviously going through a down spell, she leaves me be and sits at her desk to eat her Caesar salad.
I peek out just long enough to tell her, “I got grapes and cheese if you want them. I brought them up here, but then I didn’t feel like eating.”
“Have you eaten anything?” she asks.
I shake my head.
Sighing, she pushes back her seat and stands. “You have to eat, Brynn. You hardly eat as it is. I think your cat eats more than you.”
“Too depressed to eat,” I tell her.
“No. We’re not doing that. At least eat the grapes and cheese so they don’t go bad. What else do you have here?” She picks up my coffee. “Not very hot, but why don’t you at least eat these since they’ll spoil and have to be thrown away otherwise. When I finish eating, I can run down and get you something if you want. You want a salad? Mango smoothie? A candy bar?”
I shake my head, but I sit up enough to grab the coffee and fruit. “Thanks,” I murmur.
“You need to eat or you’ll never have the strength to get out of that bed.”
I do want to get out of this particular bed because it’s not comfortable, but in general, I would like to stay in bed forever. The world is mean and dumb and it makes me sad.
Addison goes back to her salad, and I go back to listening to my sad song and picking at grapes and cheese.
When I finish, I resume my position in my blanket fortress.
I lose time, but I’m not sure how much. It feels like minutes, but maybe it’s hours.
Addison comes over to check on me.
“Hey, hon. How are you doing?”
Face pressed into my borrowed pillow, I offer a muffled, “Bad.”
“Sure. I got that from Last Kiss playing on an endless loop for hours.”
“Sorry,” I murmur. “Do you want me to put my headphones on?”
“No, I love me some Taylor as much as the next non-hater. And while I admire your deep commitment to paying for her next house with Spotify listens of this single track, I was just thinking variety is the spice of life and I know she must have some other songs that give ‘fuck Killian’ vibes as good as this one. Maybe we could make a ‘fuck Killian’ playlist or something and add just a couple more.”
“No. I like this one.”
“This one’s sad. Can we get a little angry? Just a tad. Like, what’s the song where she’s like ‘I wish you weren’t such a piece of shit so I could have kept loving you, but here we are’?”
“Better Man.”
“Yeah! Let’s do that one. It’s perfect for him.”
“That is a good pull, but no. I like this one, and I need to be sad for a little while longer. I was mad earlier, but I’m back to sad.”
“Breakups are hard,” she says.
“When I went downstairs to get food, I heard Sloane talking about him.”
“Uh-oh.”
“And I heard her saying what a good kisser he is.”
Addison grimaces.
“Yeah. So… I didn’t love that.”
“You know who’s a good kisser? Lots of guys, probably. Why don’t we go out and find one? I know it’s a school night, but we don’t have to stay out late. Put on something cute and we’ll go into the city and find you a new guy to kiss.”
“I don’t want to kiss guys anymore. Guys are stupid.”
“I hear ya, sister. We can find you a pretty girl to kiss instead,” she suggests. “Maybe while we’re at it, we’ll find me one, too.”
I crack a smile. “I’m not ready to meet anyone else. I’d be miserable company. I need to finish mourning first, then I’ll get my shit together.”
“That’s fair,” she says, patting my thigh through the blanket. “I’ll let you get back to it. But you’re absolutely sure we can’t just mix in one more song?”
I sigh, but I reach over and type Better Man into the search bar. A moment later, it begins playing.
“Thank you,” she says.
“Yep.”
“You’re gonna go right back to Last Kiss when this ends, aren’t you?”
“Yep.”
She nods. “Got it. Then I’ll savor the break.”
“I really don’t mind putting headphones on. If you need to study, just tell me. This is your room. I’m a guest here.”
“Nope. I’ve been there. It’s fine. I get it. I just hate seeing you sad over that asshole.”
“Sometimes he’s not an asshole,” I say sadly.
“Sometimes they’re all not assholes, that’s how they get you.”
“Ryan Gosling would never do this to us.”
“Right?” She sighs. “Why can’t all men just learn from his example?”
I crack a smile, but it doesn’t last long.
Addison goes back to her side of the room, and I go back to my mourning, and I hope that maybe, by some miracle, when I wake up tomorrow, I won’t care who Killian is kissing.