Chapter 37
37
Jack
W here the hell was Aviva?
As I warmed up on the ice, stretching out my hip abductors to the sounds of women cheering in the stands, as if we did it for them, I stared at the away team side of the arena. Aviva was nowhere.
The driver I’d hired told me she’d never showed, and last I’d checked the app on my phone, she was in the library. I’d texted her, but she hadn’t responded.
Some people had showed. Micah sat next to her empty seat, eyebrow raised. To his right was Kara, a big fuzzy hat on her head, and to her right were my brothers’ other partners, Conor and Luke. In the row above them, Marcus sat next to his friends and business partners—Billy, and some creepy, quiet guy they always referred to as “Doc” that I knew better than to cross.
Billy said something to Marcus, who laughed. Doc stared out at me. Kara waved .
Isaac skated over to me. “Looks like your whole family showed.”
I sighed, pushing up with my arms and standing. “And then some.”
“But no Aviva?” he asked, searching my eyes.
But no Aviva.
“You know, maybe that’s for the best,” Isaac said. “I never asked you what happened at the alumni dinner, but it didn’t look good. And she’s dug her hooks into you. Maybe it’s time for you to let go and move on. There’s easier pussy out there and?—”
My fist connected with his jaw before I’d even realized I’d taken a swing.
“What the fuck, man?” Isaac stared at me in shock, blood dripping from his cut lip.
I shook out my hand. “Don’t ever fucking call her pussy again.”
“What the hell has gotten into you?”
“Feldman!” Coach yelled from the team’s box. He never called me by my last name. “Come here.”
I looked up. The stands had gone silent, as fans, ours and the opposing teams, stared at me. Then whispers broke out. I couldn’t hear them, but I’m sure they were trying to figure out why Jack Feldman had just punched his own teammate.
I skated over to Coach.
“I—” I started to say.
Coach shook his head. “I don’t care, Jack. You’re out of the game. Go sit in the locker room. I can’t look at your face right now, and the team shouldn’t have to, either. I’ll talk to you after.”
The disappointment hung off him like a coat. As I headed down the tunnel into the locker room, I glanced up to see Marcus wearing a similar expression. Micah, however, looked thoughtful, eyes working as he watched me. Kara leaned over to whisper something in his ear, and he nodded.
Oh well. First game my brothers actually attended, and they wouldn’t even get to see me play.
Fuck this.
Back inside the locker room, I paced. I wanted to punch something, or someone else. The wall, maybe.
Or Coach.
I was losing it. Isaac was probably right. I needed to let Aviva go. I’d told her I’d loved her, she’d said it back, and then the little thief had bailed. Maybe this wasn’t love after all. Maybe I was so fucked in the head, I’d mistaken lust and hate for love.
Except I could see her, the way she’d looked at me last night, terrified and awed. She was strong and determined, loyal and loving, and I wanted that love and loyalty for myself. I was jealous of Asher, for having that loyalty from her. I was a fighter, not a quitter. But I didn’t know how to break down the final wall separating us, when it was her mission and mine. We couldn’t both win.
I would win.
But it meant I would lose her . And that, I was frightened to realize, was the biggest loss of all.
The door opened. I looked up, expecting it to be Coach, or maybe the team: I’d lost track and for all I knew it could be halftime.
Instead, my brothers and their partners filed in.
“Why are you here?” I glared at them.
It wasn’t their fault I’d lost my shit at Isaac, but I was aching for another fight. The crack of my knuckles against Isaac’s jaw had been satisfying, and I wanted that feeling again .
“I think the question, little brother, is why are you?” Micah raised an eyebrow.
Always calm, always ten steps ahead of everyone. He knew why I’d been banished to the locker room and where my head was at. The fucker always knew everything.
“What the hell were you thinking?” Marcus chimed in, much less chill. “Punching your own teammate, Jack? Did you learn a single thing we taught you?”
Micah raised a hand. “Yacob doesn’t need to be attacked. He needs to be understood.”
My hands fisted at my sides. “Don’t fucking call me that.”
“Micah,” Kara chided softly at his side.
Micah ignored her. He stroked his beard. “Why not, Yacob? That’s your name. Your real name.”
And then I was across the room, staring him down from my slightly taller height, my hand gripping the collar of his pristine button down. “My real name is Jack. I left Yacob in the past years ago, in Teaneck. That kid is dead. He was foolish and needy?—”
“And vulnerable,” Micah interjected. He didn’t even flinch, just stared up at me calmly. I was a few inches taller than him, and it should’ve made me feel stronger.
It didn’t.
“And pathetic, ” I growled.
Luke and Conor, his and Kara’s partners, were at my side, glaring protectively.
“Get your hands off of him.”
Micah waved them off. “It’s fine. He’s angry. Tell me, why are you so angry, little brother?”
“Because you weren’t fucking there for me!” I exploded in his face. “Because you fucking left me there with him. And her. One day you were there, defending us, the next you were gone. And then Rebecca left, and who the hell was left to be a buffer for the younger kids? Who the hell took the brunt of our father’s drunken rage while our mother ignored all of it? Me. I was. And you didn’t give a single shit.”
Micah sighed. “He kicked me out. You know that. And Rivka…she had her own demons to fight.”
I didn’t give a fuck. “You could’ve come back. Could’ve fought back. Instead you joined up and forgot us.”
“Jack…” Marcus interjected.
I released Micah. The fucker didn’t even stumble backwards. I whirled on Marcus. “And what about you? You show up when my life is finally together with your guilt and your money and your promise to make things right. But you didn’t. The money is nice, brother , but it doesn’t make up for the past.”
“I didn’t even know—” he started.
“Bullshit. You didn’t even care. You know who cared? Coach Jensen. You know who rescued me? Him. So don’t show up now and act like you want to help me. You’re years late and dollars short.”
I heaved air into my lungs, trying to clear the red rage out of my eyes. Blinking, because I was a man, and men didn’t cry. That’s what Coach always said when I was young. Tears were for the weak, and I wasn’t weak.
Micah sighed, rubbing a hand over his short blonde hair, his tan face.
“You’re right, Jack. I’m sorry. I was young and scared and angry, and I fucked up. I should’ve saved my family, but I tried to save the world instead.”
Conor snorted. “And look how that went.”
Micah gave him a look. “I built a new family instead of taking care of my original one. Marcus and I, we can’t fix the past. But you can’t live in the past, Jack, or it will eat you alive.”
“I don’t even think about the past,” I told him.
He nodded. “You shove it away, right? Put it in a dark box and never crack the lid.” His voice softened. “But by facing it, acknowledging it, you can release it. Ignore it, and all the demons inside will keep banging at its walls until they break it open.” He looked at Marcus. “Something you should think about, too.”
Marcus scoffed. “We’re not here to talk about me. And I like my demons.”
The Doc and Billy were the ones to snort this time.
I sat down on one of the benches, slumping over and burying my head in my hands. I hated that Micah was right. I’d held onto my rage too long. Channeled it into hockey and punishing anyone I felt had crossed me, or the only people I was loyal to.
Punished Aviva.
Hadn’t trusted her for so long.
And even when I began to, I still didn’t believe her.
Kara joined me on the bench. “Jack, why did you punch your teammate tonight?”
Micah smirked. “Because Isaac talked shit about his girl.” He didn’t even glance at me for confirmation.
“I’ve fucked up a lot,” I said into my hands.
Kara laughed. “So did they,” she said, meaning my brother, Conor, and Luke. “Sometimes love makes good men do bad things.”
I didn’t contradict her. I loved Aviva, but I wasn’t sure she loved me.
“She’s not loyal to me,” I said.
“And are you loyal to her?” she asked .
I shrugged, picturing her face when I’d told her her brother was lying. She’d been sad, not angry.
“She thinks Coach…” I trailed off. “Did something fucking awful. But I know him, and he’d never?—”
Kara gently peeled my hands from my face. “Jack, look at me.”
I did. It was easy to see what had made my brother determined to have her. She was beautiful, with her red hair and big golden-brown eyes, but she also had this…I don’t know. A steel spine surrounded by a soft joy. The first part reminded me of Aviva. The latter…I wanted that for her. Wanted to give it to her, like my brother had given it to Kara.
“I’m looking,” I said gruffly.
“Don’t look too hard,” Conor called, clearly territorial over his woman.
Kara ignored him. “Sometimes good men do bad things for love. Often, powerful men do horrible things for more power. The charismatic ones? They hide it well. Take it from me—listen to your gut, even if you’ve been silencing it for a long time. Before it’s too late.”
Before she could say more, the door opened, and my team entered. Coach was the last one in.
Isaac wouldn’t look at me.
“Uh,” Judah said to Kara. “You’re hot, but your entourage is unnecessary.”
Luke growled.
“Eyes off,” Conor barked.
Coach cleared his throat. “None of you can be in here.”
Marcus straightened, staring down Coach, but didn’t say anything.
Coach’s face began to turn red.
“We were just leaving,” Micah interjected .
He came over to us, reaching his hand out to Kara, who took it.
As all seven of them exited the room, Kara stopped, tugging on Micah’s hand. She looked up at Coach. He towered over her, but for some reason, in that moment, he seemed small.
“The most outwardly powerful men are often the weakest ones. Isn’t that true, Joshua?”
Now Coach turned full on red. “I don’t know who you are…” he began.
Kara shrugged. “You don’t need to. But I know who you are. Women like me, women who’ve been hurt like me—we always know..”
Micah looked back at me. “Save your loyalty for the people who deserve it, Jack. Call if you want to talk.”
And then they were gone, leaving me with a confused, curious team and a pissed-off looking Coach.
Kara’s words rang in my head. She saw something in him I couldn’t.
Or refused to.