Chapter 43
Chapter forty-three
Alisa
I went back to Dmitri's on autopilot, and even the warmth of his house did nothing to thaw me. Through the thick walls, I heard Dmitri walk through the front door. I was tempted to disentangle myself from the guest bed and let him destroy all the thoughts in my head.
But a rawness filled my chest, and I was terrified he’d be able to see everything.
That he’d look at me with the same harsh eyes Natalya had and rip a piece out of me.
I couldn’t handle it. Not when my own mind was ripping against me, echoing her words and slowly transforming them into something even more sinister.
What was the big deal? It’s not like he’d fucked me. I’d been lucky.
But if I was so lucky, then why did I vomit until my body was entirely empty after Roman had left me in that room? Why did I claw at the places he’d touched me until I bled?
Why had I hated the sight of myself until I forced myself to forget? Hated that something in me had pushed him to ambush me in the room. That maybe some part of me deserved it for smiling at him earlier, or laughing at some stupid joke he’d said.
Maybe Natalya was right, and it wasn’t a big deal. But then why did my body sometimes freeze when a man clutched the back of my pants, and ripped them down?
Why did my body seem more and more untethered from my mind the longer I laid in bed and thought on that night?
Later that evening Dmitri knocked on my door, and I pretended to be asleep.
When I saw him next, I wanted to be back to that positive mental place I’d been in before I met up with Natalya.
When I’d been lying on the couch earlier secretly excited for him to come home, I’d felt something like happiness.
As my stomach twisted itself into more knots, more than anything I held onto the belief that I could feel that way again. I just needed to shut all these thoughts back into the crevices of my mind.
When I woke up from a fitful night of sleep the next day, I found the apartment empty. Could this be a silent invitation to leave?
My heart sunk at the idea. I opened my phone up to distract myself, and found a message about a new mission for Dmitri and I.
When it was time to leave for the assignment, I reluctantly disentangled myself from the calm warmth of his home and headed into the freezing city.
I shivered outside in the sequined dress. I’d called the seedy bar from our last mission, but someone else had ‘taken’ the jacket I’d left at coat check. And I couldn’t exactly steal Dmitri’s jacket again since I’d definitely get caught with us doing this mission together.
With a sigh, I debated going back to my apartment to change, but my heart rebelled against the idea.
The cold numbness that spread across my chest when I thought back to my lonely home was stronger than even the icy wind.
When I settled onto a stool at the bar, I steadied my mind for the mission. I took a deep breath and shoved that vulnerable part of me back into the depths of my mind. Straightening my posture, I readied myself for anything.
Roman tapped me on the shoulder.
Okay, maybe not anything.
Tension radiated through Roman’s bulky body as he stared down at me. I froze when he crowded into my space. Fear flooded my system as I noticed the angry snarl on his face.
“I had an interesting conversation today,” Roman said. The way he pronounced the word told me I wouldn’t like whatever he was about to say.
I swallowed and tried to push words through the dryness of my throat. It was like squeezing a stone through a thin tube, but I finally managed.
“I’m busy,” I said.
Roman’s eyes narrowed. He placed his hand on the back of my stool. I flinched away, and the corners of his mouth curved into a cruel smile.
“You obviously weren’t too busy to spread rumors about me to your friends.” His voice was harsh, but the meaning behind it stabbed holes into my lungs.
Natalya had revealed what I’d told her. How could she do this to me? I’d just wanted to save her from my own fate. From the nightmares and memories that refused to stop stalking me.
Air wheezed out of me. Roman leaned in closer, seeming to relish the way I couldn’t seem to find my breath.
“Did you just want my attention? Because now you have it.”
I leaned away, his presence was sucking all the air out of my lungs. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. And now his narrowed eyes were yanking me back to that night at the party. I couldn’t-
“Alisa,” Dmitri’s voice echoed near me.
Suddenly I could breathe again. Feeling tingled back into my fingers, and all the ambient sounds rushed back to life.
Roman leaned back, frustration etched on his face like this was somehow my fault.
“Hey, man,” Roman said to Dmitri, forcing a smile on his face.
For the first time since I’d met him, Dmitri actually deigned to give Roman more than a passing glance. From the way Roman flinched away I doubted he was happy about the attention.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Dmitri said, his eyes narrowed at Roman’s hand on my barstool.
Roman’s hand flew away from me like it’d been stabbed. My stomach finally unclenched.
Roman cleared his throat a few times. It felt gratifying to see him lose his words instead of my own. “Just catching up. After all she’s friends with my new girlfriend.”
The word tumbled into my stomach and sent bile straight up my throat. After everything I’d told her, Natalya had decided to date him? Not only had she put my safety in jeopardy by relaying everything to this monster, she’d willingly chosen to be with the man who’d hurt me.
Dmitri frowned. His piercing eyes took in my expression, waiting for me to affirm or deny what Roman had just said.
Instead of voicing all the emotions digging into my gut, I said, “Dmitri, we’ve got work to do.”
His frown deepened. I was terrified Dmitri would see through me, yet secretly yearning for it.
Roman cleared his throat, and Dmitri slowly turned his head towards him.
“What are you still doing here?” Dmitri’s voice was pure ice.
Anger flared in Roman’s pupils, and I almost hoped he’d act on it. Roman might be ranked second in the competition, but Dmitri would crack him like a walnut. After the scars he’d seared into my insides, I wished someone would give him a taste of the pain.
Roman must’ve thought better of responding, because he walked away with a grunt.
“You okay?” Dmitri said, sitting on a stool beside me. His voice was softer, the edge gone.
“Just not feeling 100%.” I worked my shoulders up and around. “But it’s fine, I won’t let it affect the mission.”
“Go home, I’ll handle this.”
I blinked. My lonely apartment with the broken heater stared back into my mind.
Dmitri must’ve read something in my expression, because he amended, “Go back to my place. It’s supposed to snow again.”
I hoped it never stopped snowing.