Chapter 23
Helena
Ihad almost forgotten what happiness felt like.
But being around Henry made me genuinely happy.
Just like playing my cello. But when I look at it now, I don’t have the same urge to play. I’m still too torn up over Abram.
God, Abram.
Perhaps that part of me is dead now. I think lots of things inside me died when Daniel told me the news. Abram was the last thing tying me to Helena. I don’t know who I am now. Maybe this is my chance to really let go, to start again—if I ever make it out of here, that is. If I ever want to.
Do I assume my birth name? Do I give myself back to Helena Ivankov? Do I want to choose something else? I think it might be easier to not be anybody for a little while. To just be adrift. To just float.
But maybe I’ve been floating for a while. Somewhere over the course of my life, everything has seemed to slip from me. I’ve only been half-feeling things. My abduction has been no exception. Things between Daniel and me are even more convoluted and confusing now.
I don”t believe there has ever been a time in my life when everything was black and white. For so long, I”ve been operating in grayscale. I”m so engrossed in my own thoughts that I don”t even consider trying to escape. I should have tackled the guards when I had the opportunity, but I don”t want to rouse Henry.
I had awoken this morning expecting to die, but there is no denying that things have changed. After our shared confessions, I suspect Daniel will put off deciding my fate even longer. I”m not sure how I feel about it.
Men like him live and die by their orders and rules—I know that. My father was the same, but for some reason, I’m not afraid anymore. Whatever’s going to happen is wholly and totally out of my hands. Maybe since he saw me with Henry, he realized that this could be something. Not a relationship of course, but something. I just have to hope Henry doesn’t suffer too much if he ever learns what happened to me. If I die.
My happy, hopeful little bubble pops all at once.
I’ve been locked back inside my room. There’s nothing to do to pass the time until Daniel decides to come back for me. Being alone means that I’m going to have even more time to think.
I wonder what Daniel is doing. Does he have to meet with Nikolai? There are so many unanswered questions. Part of me wants to offer to help, to let him kill me and get it over with… but I’m too much of a coward to suggest that outright.
I pace the length of the bedroom. My eyes gloss over the fine furniture, but I don’t spend long admiring it. I walk slowly back and forth as I pull Daniel’s sweater closer around me. It still smells like him, and that’s oddly comforting.
If I”m really good, he might take me to see Abram. I don”t think my mind will fully accept the fact that he”s no longer with me until I see him. On the other hand, I”m not sure I”m strong enough to look at him and see him all cold. I have no idea what they did to him, or if there is even a body to see. In any case, I truly hate morgues. But seeing Abram would be well worth it.
I need closure. I know that much.
I can’t believe I’m never going to share ice cream with him again. I’m never going to get to say goodbye to him properly. I’m never going to hear his loud, out-of-tune singing to old songs from our country while he cooks for me. He was a terrible dancer, but I loved dancing with him all the same. I feel more like an orphan, an adult orphan. I’m alone now. My mind just keeps circling back to that same thought over and over again.
Alone. All Alone. Just like you were meant to be.
I can feel the intrusive thoughts pressing at the back of my mind. I try to push them away, but they are stronger than I am. Everybody has always left me. My mother, my father, Alek… and now Abram, too. The only person trailing me now is Nikolai.
He absolutely had something to do with Abram’s death. He’s responsible. There is no way he didn”t do it. I don”t even know how it happened, but I know down to my bones that Nikolai is involved somehow. He swore that he would never stop looking for me no matter what. He swore that he would find me and take everything from me. I just haven’t gotten enough information to piece everything together yet.
How can Alek have been getting married and never have once even sent me a letter? Didn’t he want his sister at his wedding? Did he really hate me that much? Was it something else?
I hate not knowing what will happen next. I”ve only reached one conclusion, and it”s not very helpful. Despite myself, I know I care about Daniel. It would be prudent for me to keep my distance. It would be better to force myself back into that determined state I was in the other night, when I was simply ready to die and have it all over with... But now I”m wavering again.
Daniel must be feeling something for me because he explained his side of the story. If he didn”t want to spend time with me, he wouldn”t have taken me out into the gardens. He would not have allowed me to be near Henry if he didn”t trust me... even if it was only a little bit.
He claimed his sister died while pregnant. He said that she had asked him to look after Henry if she died... But he now has sole custody. I have the uneasy feeling that something else happened that he isn”t telling me about. How old was Henry when she died? Who was her child”s father, if not Alek? Does it even matter?
I feel like I’m going crazy.
Even if Daniel decides to let me live… he can’t hide me away here forever. Eventually, Nikolai will come looking for proof that I’m dead. Knowing the sadistic bastard as well as I do, he”s going to want my severed head on a pike outside of his estate as a warning not to be crossed.
If that’s the case and Daniel denies him, Nikolai will kill him too.
Nikolai won’t care who stands in his way, he will cut them all down.
Perhaps there really is only one solution after all.