Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
NICO
I wake up with a sinking feeling in my stomach that feels heavy and oppressive when I remember the night before. However, as I open my eyes, all my worries are smothered when I look up and see the ridges of my Bambi’s chest above me.
Scrambling to sit up, I straddle his hips and cup his face in my hands, loving seeing him wake up for me like a drowsy puppy. Yawning and stretching, nuzzling into my touch.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Bambi,” I say, my words tumbling out a moment before I kiss him with every ounce of emotion I’m feeling.
It’s not rough or punishing or anything like the connection we usually indulge in. This is a conversation. Equal parts apology and a declaration never to put him at risk again. Benny’s lips respond with tender movements and a soft groan that fills me with hope that I haven’t completely broken his trust in me .
Pulling back, I lose myself in Benny’s eyes. His pupils are blown wide and his irises are a dark emerald halo, reflecting nothing but love back at me.
“I will never put you?—”
“Don’t you dare apologise to me, Nico. I should have safeworded earlier?—”
“No, I should have stopped as soon as?—”
Benny huffs out a frustrated sigh and grabs my wrists, pulling them away from his face. “Would you shut the fuck up for a minute?”
I raise an eyebrow at his outburst, a crooked smile hitching on one side of my mouth.
“Yes, you should’ve stopped, but I should have known that you weren’t in the right headspace. I just expected you to be magically unaffected by everything that’s been happening, and that’s just bullshit.”
I try to interject, but he lays his hand over my mouth.
“No! You’re going to shut up and listen.” He pauses momentarily, swallowing hard, like he’s worried about how to say whatever it is that’s on his mind. “You’re not okay, Nico. You’re beating yourself up about something you have no control over, and you’re not talking about it. We all see you struggling and it’s time to suck it up and talk to us. It doesn’t have to be me. But you can’t keep all this shit inside anymore.”
I feel like I’ve been punched in the ribs. I don’t know what to say. Apparently, I’ve not been as subtle with my feelings as I thought and this time it’s Benny who’s got the complete measure of me.
“I-I didn’t expect it to affect me as much as it has. And if I thought for one moment, it would make me unsafe with you, I would never have played so hard last night,” I say, throwing my leg off him and sitting down beside him on the sofa.
He leans into me and rests his head on my shoulder .
“But we know now, and you need to deal with it. You can’t keep ignoring it.”
“I know, Bambi. But…” I don’t know how to unjumble the thoughts that have been swirling in my head for weeks, “where do I start?”
His hand finds mine, and he weaves our fingers together, squeezing gently. “Start at the beginning,” he says quietly and lets his words hang, waiting for me to take the bait.
I take a deep breath and start talking.
Fuck, it’s late. Or wait… is it early? I flick my wrist to check the time on my watch and see that it’s actually 4 am. My internal clock is completely screwed. I have no idea how long I was asleep before we started talking. However long it was, I obviously needed it. I needed the talk too.
Benny sat by my side while I rambled about everything from what I was told to what we know now. I’ve been insisting since the moment Manny opened his poisonous mouth that nothing has changed. I was a bastard and I’m still a bastard, but really, everything has changed.
I thought I was raised by my distant relatives, but Sinclair can’t find any evidence that I’m in any way related to them, which means Aurora’s dad must have placed me with them and he’s not here to explain why. Why place me with people who made it clear every day of my life they didn’t want me?
I don’t know where to start with having Salvatore for a father. I always knew whoever my father was, he was a cunt, so it really does feel like nothing’s changed. What’s thrown me, what keeps me up at night, is knowing that I’m related to him .
Max- fucking -De Luca.
I’ve always celebrated the violent streak that runs through me, but now it feels like a poison crawling through my veins, ready to turn me from monster to full-blown psychopath. It makes my skin crawl to think that I am anything like my… brother .
My biggest fear is that one day when I look at Aurora or Enzo, they won’t see me, they’ll see him in me. That I’ll be a constant reminder of everything they’ve suffered at his hands, and day by day, I’ll lose them a little more, until one day I’ll see nothing but hatred in their eyes.
I can’t bear the thought that I’ll lose my family.
“I can only tell you what I see when I look at you, and that’s the man I love,” Benny says. “To me, you are Nico Verardi.”
“I’m not a Verardi,” I bite out, unable to hide my disdain for the name I was raised with.
“Well, you’re not a fucking De Luca either.” Benny’s words help. Everything he’s said and done tonight has helped. No matter what I’m feeling about myself right now, nothing has changed for him. He still sees me as he always has. As his.
“Maybe I’m not either, maybe I’m not anything,” I joke, but it doesn’t land and only succeeds in pissing him off.
“Don’t you start this shit with me, Nico. You’re fucking everything ,” he says, in an unwavering tenor that rings true with his sincerity.
“I love how unshakeable your faith is in me. I really do. But I can’t help the way I feel sometimes. In truth, I’ve never felt more like a bastard than I do right now. Discarded, unclaimed.” As I speak my truth, it hangs like a noose around my neck. What if the family I’ve built for myself does the same thing? What if they reject me too?
I drop my head in my hands because just the thought of that has my stomach churning and my heart pounding in my ears. I don’t think I’d survive losing them.
All of a sudden my breathing is ragged and I can’t seem to get enough air in my lungs. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so helpless, and whatever this is, I don’t fucking like it. I feel like I’m drowning. The leather cushions creak as Benny eases off the sofa to the floor and shuffles in front of me. Slowly, his hands wrap around my wrists and pull my palms away from my face.
He’s kneeling at my feet, smiling.
“You’re ours, goddammit. I don’t care if your last name is Verardi, De Luca, or Romano. But let me make one thing perfectly clear. We claim you. You belong to us.”
Every word that rolls off his tongue sweeps over me like a river bursting its banks and carrying away the debris after a storm. I take a few deep breaths and start to feel more and more centred. The corners of my mouth slowly tip up to mirror his smile. I feel a thousand times better even for having said half of that out loud, and I love that Benedict knows exactly what to say to help me through it. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found him. Or to have let him find me.
“Is that your idea of a stealth proposal, Bambi? Throwing your name into the mix?” I tease.
“Nico, I’d marry you tomorrow and give you my name if you’d let me,” he says. When I search his eyes for the mischievous glint I expect to see, there’s nothing but complete sincerity in them.
Saliva pools in my mouth, and I swallow hard. Holy fuck. The past few weeks have left me feeling more unstable than I ever have, but Benedict has managed to anchor me back to myself. I lean forward and kiss him hard, tangling my tongue with his and stealing his breath.
“Let you? I would never need convincing to marry you, Bambi.” His face lights up like a kid at Christmas. “But…” his face falls, and it hurts me to be the cause of that look, “I think nearly every therapist out there would agree that marrying you in response to learning life-changing information is not the wisest decision.”
Benny nods and tries to muster a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“I never thought we’d ever be in a position where marriage would be an option for us, Bambi. Our relationship was barely tolerated before The Syndicate dissolved, but believe me when I say this. One day I will ask you to marry me and you’ll never have to wonder if it was because I was scared of losing you. It will be because I know in every cell of my body that I’m worthy of you.”
“Well, when you put it like that…” he replies with a smirk on his face. “I want you on one knee and proposing with a ring and everything.”
I capture his lips again and kiss him until he melts into me. “I’ll propose however I damn well want, Bambi.”
“Yes, sir.”
A little whimper squeaks past his lips and I start to chuckle but I’m interrupted by him forcefully pushing me back against the sofa cushions and straddling me. He’s all over me, fingers raking through my hair, arms wrapped around my body, hands palming my cock. It’s like he’s grown extra limbs.
“Down, boy,” I say between thin lips while he continues to kiss me. Shuffling forwards on the seat, Benny yelps as I tip forward, bringing him with me as I stand and force him to wrap his legs around my waist. He leans back and waggles his eyebrows at me with his trademark ‘fuck me’ smile. “As much as I would love to fuck the living daylights out of you right now, I’m not going to, Bambi. We’re going to bed.”
His face drops into an adorable pout, so I touch my forehead to his and close my eyes. “I just need to hold you right now, Bambi. Can we do that?” I whisper, my tone as close to begging as I get. His head drops to my shoulder and his arms squeeze me a little tighter.
“Yes, sir.”
It’s mid-morning by the time we surface. I slept more soundly than I have in weeks. Although I missed Aurora—and oddly, Sin as well—I needed to sleep with just Benedict beside me. I needed to know he felt safe with me. That I hadn’t broken his trust. It would destroy me if I’d done any lasting damage to him or us.
I kiss his forehead and shuffle out from under the covers. Throwing myself in the quickest shower known to man. I pull on some jeans and a tank before heading downstairs to find Enzo and Aurora. I need to thank them. Sinclair too.
I find them all at the conference table in Aurora’s office, huddled around Sinclair’s laptop. They look up at the same time, and I smile at the identical expressions they’re wearing. Half concern, half what I’m guessing is a desire to punch me in the face for putting Benny at risk.
“So, I need to say some things,” I say, suddenly nervous. Aurora arches a brow and dips her head, inviting me to continue but saying nothing.
“First, I need to thank you. Thank you for intervening and looking after both me and Benny.”
“We’ll always be there when you need us,” Sinclair says and then adds, “for both of you. Whatever you need.”
“That’s the second thing. I need to talk to you about Sal?—”
“You don’t need to—” Aurora’s words are rushed and nervous, like she’s worried my even talking about that cunt will set me off.
“Please, just let me finish,” I say, holding my hands up. “I don’t give a fuck that Salvatore De Luca is my father.” Dropping my arms, I shove my hands into my pockets and stare at my feet. “I don’t know how either one of you can look at me, knowing who my brother is. Not after what he’s done to you.”
There’s a small gasp before Aurora crosses the room and nestles into me, blocking my view of the floor. She couldn’t get any closer if she tried.
“You listen up and you listen good. When I look at you, I see only you. You’re nothing like Max.” Her tone is stern, but there’s a subtle waver, like she’s also pleading with me to believe her.
“How can you say that? My literal job is to torture people. I hurt people, and I can’t tell you that I don’t love my job,” I say, refusing to meet her eyes.
“Max De Luca is devoid of all emotion. The only pleasure he gets in life is through pain. You, Nico, feel more deeply than nearly anyone else I know. You love Benny with every fibre of your being.” She stops and cups the back of my neck, draws me to her, and then pushes down on my shoulders, bringing me to my knees.
I see her brilliant smile and it warms me from the inside out. With our height difference she’s not that much taller than me like this, and it’s the perfect height for her to press her lips to mine before wrapping her arms around me and holding me in a tight embrace. I rest my cheek above the swell of her breast and sink into this feeling of belonging that radiates through me.
“When I look at you, all I see is the man I love.”
Enzo stands and approaches us slowly. Reaching out a hand to me, he takes me by the forearm, lifting me into a firm embrace and patting my back. “Max De Luca is no brother of yours. You’re our brother.” His words are hushed as he continues, “You are my brother, Nico. ”
“I will hurt him for what he’s done,” I promise.
“And I’ll be at your side when you do,” he replies, standing back and letting the weight of his words settle. “We stand together against him. The blood that runs in your veins is irrelevant to me.”
I heave out a huge sigh, only realising now how much I needed to hear him say that. From the minute I joined his crew, I’ve looked up to Enzo. Even when I was at my worst, he and Sinclair were there for me. When Manny spat those vile words at me, I was overtaken with a slow sinking feeling. A low-grade sheen of dread descended on me and now it’s like it’s finally lifting.
Sinclair stays in his seat and looks away, letting whatever moment is passing between Enzo and I, play out. However, I also need to say something to him. He’s lost in whatever he’s reading and doesn’t notice that I’m beside him until I hold out my hand and he takes it with a confused look on his face.
“Thank you,” I say, unable to hide my smile at his bemusement. “For taking care of Benny. He needed you and you were there for him when I couldn’t be. You may be the best of us.”
He nods, looking a little awkward. “You never need to thank me for looking out for Benny, or any of you, for that matter.”
“Well, I’m thanking you anyway. Just say you’re welcome and move on.”
“Uh… you’re welcome and move on,” he says before letting a smile ease slowly across his face.
“Smartass,” I say, releasing his hand and batting it away.
Aurora and Enzo return to the screen huddle, and I’m intrigued by what they’re studying.
“What has you all so fascinated?” I ask, giving in to my curiosity.
They look at each other like conspiratorial teenagers. Now I really want to know.
“Go and grab Benny and I’ll make coffee for us all. We have some intel from Gabriella you’re going to want to see,” Aurora says, not giving anything away.
I cock my head to the side. “Oh, come on, you can’t leave me hanging.”
“I think when it comes to work I can do whatever the fuck I like, Nico,” Aurora retorts. “But regardless of my ultimate power over you… Benny needs to see this, so go get him.”
“Alright, alright. I’m going. Back in ten,” I call out as I bounce back up the stairs to wake Sleeping Beauty.