3. Chapter 3
Chapter 3
A week after moving in with Levi, I’m woken up by someone pounding on the front door. Who the hell is at the door? It’s not like Levi is home; he left for a weekend with some of his teammates after I convinced him that I was capable of staying at home alone for a couple of nights. Groaning, I get off the couch and make my way to the door. This better be good, if it’s making me get out of my blanket cocoon at noon.
“Oh my fuck, I’m coming!” I say as the knocking continues.
“What?!” I demand as I open the door and see two strikingly beautiful women who look to be around Levi’s age standing on the front porch. Way to go Levi , I think to myself as I give them a quick once over. The one with her hand up as if to knock again is a tiny little redhead who can’t be more than five feet tall and is sporting a high ponytail and a light blue romper. The other one is easily over six feet tall, with two French braids in her long jet black hair.
“Hi,.” the tall one says.
“Levi isn’t here,” I say, closing the door. The last thing I want right now is two young, gorgeous girls impeding on another one of my pity parties.
Not getting the hint, they start knocking again.
“We’re not going to stop knocking until you open the door. Levi sent us.”
Opening the door with a sigh I say, “I know you’re here for Levi, but like I said, Levi isn’t here. So how about you leave before I call the cops?”
“Feisty! I like it. We’re not here for Levi, we’re here for you!” the tall one says with a big smile.
“Is that so? And why would that be?” I ask, squinting my eyes and crossing my arms as I lean against the door frame.
“I’m Lacey,” the tall one introduces herself. “I’m JJ’s younger sister. He plays hockey with Levi. This is Ellie, JJ’s girlfriend,” she says, pointing to the other one. “Levi told JJ that you just moved here and were going through a tough time, so we decided to drop by.”
“Levi told you to drop by?” I wouldn’t be surprised if he sent them to check up on me. I can’t say that I’ve been the loveliest version of myself since moving here two weeks ago. I’ve barely left my room to be honest. Preferring to hang out in bed reading sappy romance books instead of exploring the city I once dreamed of moving to. I thought this would be the start of my starting-over story, but if anything I’ve been wallowing, stuck grieving the life I thought I’d have by now. I thought I was past mourning the relationship I thought I had. The funny thing is if I’m being honest with myself, I am over the life I lost. I’ve mourned it. I’ve accepted it, and I have moved on from it. What I’m not over is how much of an idiot I was. How did I not see the signs? How can I move on—how can I start over when my first time around I got everything so wrong?
“Not necessarily. He told us he had a new roommate and gave us your number to set up lunch or something like that,” the tall one, Lacey, says. “But we decided to just drop by instead of calling.”
“JJ probably wouldn’t be impressed to know we just ambushed you,” admits Ellie, the redheaded girlfriend, who also has the sense to look a little embarrassed.
“Then why are you here?” I ask, still salty that they interrupted my newest book. At this point, books are the only thing that let me forget. It’s so easy to get lost in a make-believe world where everything ends in a happily-ever-after.
“Can we come in?” Ellie asks.
“Sure, I guess . . .” I say, leaving the door open and turning to make my way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. I hear the door close as they follow behind me.
“JJ said you just got divorced?” Lacey asks.
“Yes—not that it’s any of your business,” I answer as I see the other one give her a look that looks almost murderous.
“You’re right, that isn’t any of our business,” Ellie answers, elbowing the other one. “That’s not why we’re here. I know what it’s like moving to a new city. When we learned that you just moved and that the only person you know is Levi, we figured we’d come grab you on our way to the mall,” she says as she looks down at the counter she’s leaning against.
“You want me to go to the mall with you?” I ask.
“Listen, we both know what it’s like to be heartbroken. You can either wallow here alone until Levi comes home, or you can come hang out with us. Up to you,” Lacey says.
I like her. She reminds me of Summer. Says it how it is, takes no prisoners. Someone you want in your corner.
God, when did I become such a bitch? This is probably the sweetest thing anyone has done for me, at least since Levi bought me a plane ticket to come move in with him. When did I become so closed off? I used to love meeting people and trying new things . . .
“I’m sorry . . . I don’t know why I’m being such a bitch. I—”
I’m cut off by Ellie raising her hand and saying, “I told you—we’ve been where you are right now. Everything sucks. No need to apologize. Just go get dressed and brush your hair. Please brush your hair, or even better, shower,” she says pushing me towards the stairs.
“Yes, ma’am,” I sass right back, smiling. Feeling myself warm up to the idea of doing something other than just hanging out at home in sweatpants.
As I wash my hair, I can feel the frustration I first had at seeing them on the front porch melt away. Is there really anything better than washing your hair?
*****
“Where are we? This isn’t the mall,” I ask as we pull into the parking lot of what looks like an abandoned warehouse.
“A quick pitstop—and we’re not going to the mall, we’re making you enter your Dua Lipa Era,” Ellie says with a sparkle in her eyes.
“My Dua Lipa Era?” I ask, confusion lacing my voice. Dua Lipa Era ? What is she talking about? Now I’m feeling my age. It’s clear they can’t be older than Levi.
“Yeah you know: New Rules , IDGAF , Sweetest Pie , Training Season? ” Lacey continues.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I say as we walk into the building.
“Your new you. Where you let go of everything that asshole did to you, where you get to reinvent yourself, and have hot sweaty sex with strangers. Your Dua Lipa Era,” she explains.
Before I can ask her to elaborate, we’re interrupted by a guy with slicked-back black hair, dressed in all black, and a bored expression on his face, standing behind the counter we’ve apparently arrived at.
“Ellie?” the guy asks.
“Yes, that’s us,” she answers.
“Perfect, room six is ready for you three. Your playlist is ready for you, if you all could just sign this waiver.”
“Why do I need a waiver?” I ask.
“Ask no questions. Trust us, just sign. You’re gonna feel so much better after this! I dragged Ellie here last year when JJ was being a dick,” Lacey answers, throwing a wink to Ellie and holding a clipboard and pen towards me.
Not giving myself a chance to second guess what I’m getting myself into, I grab the pen and sign on the dotted line. What do I have to lose?
“Yesss!” Ellie says as he wraps me up in a quick hug.
“Here you go, ladies,” the guy says, handing each of us a pair of full-body coveralls and safety glasses. As he pulls three shot glasses and a bottle of tequila out from under the counter, he says, “Coveralls, safety glasses, and gloves must stay on at all times while in the room. You have three hours.”
“Bottoms up!” Ellie says, handing Lacey and I each a shot glass.
Both girls grab one of my hands and drag me down a hallway with a bunch of numbered doors, and before I can question what we’re doing, they pull me into room six. Closing the door, they hand me a sledgehammer, both smiling wide. Next thing I know, Dua Lipa’s voice fills the room. As I grab the sledgehammer Lacey is holding out to me, I share a look with both girls, realizing they brought me to a rage room.
I let all my anger out on this poor room.
Every swing of the hammer is powered by the anger I have towards Lucas throwing our relationship out like it’s last week’s leftovers. I am fueled by the shame I feel in myself for being so blind to the reality of my marriage and charged with the pain of believing that I was not enough for my husband; all while knowing that his actions are not my fault. If I’m being completely honest with myself, most of my anger, frustration, and humiliation is towards myself.
I made my bed myself. I chose to marry Lucas; I chose to not question when my gut was telling me something was wrong. I chose to move to Halifax; I chose to do my MBA. I know that I could have left at any minute. I know I would have had friends and family at my back at any moment. But I was too embarrassed. I let my pride and my ego get in the way of my happy-ever-after. And for what? A man that didn’t appreciate me. A man that took every opportunity to bring me down.
With those thoughts, I get even more mad. Mad and sad that here I am, doing exactly what Lucas would want me to do—blaming myself for his shortcomings. For his words, for his actions. None of this is my fault, all I did was fall in love with the wrong guy. Never again.
With the last swing of the sledgehammer, I destroy another side table and promise myself to never fall in love again.
I feel lighter than I’ve ever felt as I walk out of the warehouse, arms linked with Ellie and Lacey. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy. When was the last time I felt like I had girlfriends? I have Summer, but she’s always gone saving the world.
“Ready for round two?” Lacey asks, bringing me back to the present.
“What’s round two?” I asked suspiciously.
Laughing, she answers, “Nothing as intense. Just mani-pedis and new bathing suits before we make our way to JJ’s house to eat our body weight in sushi and drink our body weight in his liquor while enjoying his pool and sauna. You know, the general perks of having a brother who’s good at skating,” she says with a smirk.
****
Three hours later I’m sitting in a hot tub looking up at the stars, rocking a matching fire-engine red mani-pedi. Ellie told me I had no other choice but to get red. “ It’s the sexiest color out there ,” she had said in such a serious tone, and I couldn’t say no. At the swimsuit store, Lacey told me I had to get a red bathing suit, since I had to match my nails and not to mention that it would go well with my blonde hair and blue eyes. She said I had no choice but to run with the whole Baywatch look.
It’s not a look I would have chosen for myself. Well, not today. A few years ago, pre-Lucas Hannah would have picked out the red nail polish and bathing suit all on her own. Today, if it wasn’t for Ellie and Lacey’s encouragement, I never would have picked something so loud. Lately I’ve been preferring neutral colors. My closet is full of black, navy blue, gray, and beige.
Then it hits me—I gave all this up when Lucas’s life became more important than mine. How did I let myself get lost in a relationship like that? How did I let myself become a second-tier character in my own life?
As a lone tear slips down my cheek, Lacey wraps her arm around me and Ellie pours more wine into my glass. “Everything will be fine; you have us now. We’ve been looking for a third to join our twosome for a few months now,” Lacey says with a serious face while breaking the tension and my sad train of thought as we burst out laughing.
It’s not long before she sobers up and says, “I know I come off as insensitive, but I promise I get it. Like Ellie said, she’s been in a shit relationship before. I, on the other hand, have been in love with the same guy for three years. Yet he’s never once noticed me, and I’m too chicken to say anything because I’ve become too attached to him to risk losing him or making myself look like an idiot. I just hate seeing you waste any more energy on this guy.”
I’m taken aback by her honesty and by the fact that she’s automatically on my side. I know Levi told them I needed a pick-me-up, but I know he didn’t spill all my dirty laundry to them. Before I can question her, she continues, “I know I don’t know what happened with your ex, but I know damn well no woman moves in with her pseudo-younger brother because of something she did. You wouldn’t be this heartbroken if you had willingly ended your marriage.”
“What she’s trying to say in her own way is,” Ellie starts explaining, “if you want to talk about it, we’re here. If it helps, before JJ, I had sworn off men completely. I might only be twenty-two, but I know what it's like. My ex-boyfriend wasn’t a nice person, to say the least; probably worse than you're thinking honestly. No one expects a teenager to do what he did. Let’s just say, he didn’t have very many boundaries when it came to getting physical with me . . .” she trails off, getting lost in her own thoughts.
Now I just feel bad. Lucas never hit me, and I’m a grown adult, not a teenager, so I should be handling this better.
“I don’t like sharing that with people, it always makes things weird after. People assume their problems or whatever aren’t that bad because their partners never hit them, but toxic is toxic no matter how it’s done,” she says. In the short time I’ve known Ellie, it’s easy to see that she’s a careful person. Always thinking about how her words or actions can impact someone else. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as empathetic as her. She balances out Lacey’s brash ways perfectly, I can see why they became best friends.
“He got another woman, a younger woman, pregnant. One he, well we, worked with,” I tell them. “It’s more than that though. That was the original shock. That was the catalyst for the divorce, but if I’m being honest with myself it started way before that. They aren’t lying when they say hindsight is twenty-twenty, things hadn’t been good for a while . . . he had a way with words and didn’t shy away from telling me how to live my life.”
“Thank God you got on a plane and turned our boring little twosome into a threesome!” Lacey says, not letting us get to an awkward silence.
They didn’t ask for any details about my relationship with Lucas after the little bit I gave them, they went right back to their usual banter, which now included me.
The next morning, I wake up to Ellie’s arm over my face and Lacey’s hair in my mouth, having fallen asleep watching rom-coms on JJ’s futon. I move her hair out of my way and move out from under Ellie’s other arm, and I can’t help but smile remembering the fun we had last night. My smile drops when I try to recall the last time I had friends to hang out with. Are they even my friends? I mean they only came to get me as a favor to Levi—to make sure I showered. When did I become this person?
The minute you became Lucas’s wife, the voice in my head says.
It’s not wrong. The only girlfriend I have is Summer, and I haven’t seen her since I moved to Halifax, for Lucas’s job. After that, my spare time was spent making sure Lucas was advancing in his career and being a trophy wife. I’m almost thirty and I can’t tell you who I am outside of being Lucas White’s ex-wife.
“What are you thinking about? I can hear you thinking from here, you’re disturbing my beauty sleep,” Ellie says, looking at me through squinted eyes.
“Nothing.”
“Keep telling yourself that,” she sasses back.
“It’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing if it wakes you up after drinking more than an entire bottle of wine,” Lacey comments from her side of the bed.
“It’s nothing,” I repeat as I get out of bed and head to the bathroom.
Leaning against the closed door, looking at the mirror in front of me, I fight to keep the tears at bay. I’ve never been a crier. I’ve never been a whiner or a complainer. I’ve always seen the light at the end of the tunnel. All I see now are the years I wasted taking a back seat in my own life.
A knock on the door startles me. “You’ve been in there for fifteen minutes and I’ve yet to hear the toilet flush or the water run, so either you’re taking a man-length shit or you’re wallowing. My money is on almost crying, so how about you get your fine ass out here so we can eat?” I hear Lacey say on the other side of the closed door.
Sighing, I push off the door to splash some cold water on my face, hoping that when I look back in the mirror, I’ll recognize the girl I see. Hoping that it won’t be the sad, lost woman looking back at me but the confident, always-up-for-an-adventure girl that was there before this shame of a marriage. I don’t know when I lost her; I can’t pinpoint an exact date, but over the years of feeling I wasn’t enough, working a demanding job I didn’t enjoy, and neglecting to spend time doing things I liked or wanted, I lost the spark I used to have in my eyes. I swear they aren’t even as blue as they used to be. All I see are dull, blue eyes.