11. Chapter 11
Chapter 11
“Oh my God!” Lacey says for the thousandth time as we take another break from hiking. “Why did we think this was going to be a good idea?” she asks, dropping down to sit against a tree by the dirt path we’ve been following.
She’s not wrong. Why in the hell did we think this was going to be a good idea? We are not hiking people. We didn’t even make it to the lookout, or whatever you want to call it. By kilometer four we were already out of water and realized we had forgotten bug spray. Why didn‘t I think of bug spray, or sunscreen for that matter? I’ll never know. But between the sun and the mosquitoes, my exposed skin is either getting crispy or being used as an all-you-can-eat buffet. Not a good combo.
Why I thought I could accomplish anything on this list is ridiculous, I couldn’t even remember to pack sunscreen or enough water . . . You can’t survive without me. You’re too forgetful and dependent to be on your own. I mean you can’t even make the right food choices; you’re always gaining weight. And let’s not get started on the last time you went to the hair salon. What twenty-eight-year-old gets bangs? You would be completely lost without me . . .
I still hear Lucas’s voice in the back of my head, judging me and telling me I won’t accomplish anything without his guidance. Maybe he was right. I mean . . . I don’t live alone, I don’t have a job, and I haven’t gotten a haircut since I got divorced. Maybe I’m just one of those people who needs someone to tell them what to do . . .
“No!” I hear Ellie say, shaking me out of my thoughts. “You’re thinking about your ex-husband aren’t you?” she continues. “He is not welcome on this hike!” she finishes, her voice getting louder and louder.
“I wasn’t thinking about him,” I say without much conviction as I sit down next to Lacey.
“Yes you were,” Ellie adds, joining us. “You always get this look on your face when he pops into your mind. Your entire body language changes too. It’s like you try to get smaller.” Who knew she was so perceptive. Must be that psychology minor working in her favor.
“Fine, maybe I was thinking about him,” I say with a deep breath as we slow to a stop at a small clearing overlooking a small lake.
“What were you thinking about?” Lacey probes, nudging my elbow with hers. “It might help to say it aloud.”
“Nothing much,” I reply as I concentrate on the view. “Just thinking about how he’d say something along the lines of ‘ I told you so ’ about forgetting bug spray and sunscreen, or how much of an idiot I am for thinking I could do things on my own,” I say with tears threatening to fall.
“Do you think I’m an idiot?” Lacey asks from beside me. “Or Ellie?”
“No, why would I?” I reply, scrunching up my nose.
“Well we both forgot sunscreen and bug spray. In fact we didn’t even bring any on this trip. Only you brought some,” she says as she puts her arm around me, even though we’re both sweaty messes.
“One day you’re going to forget everything he’s ever said to you. It might be next week or it might be in three years. But I promise you we’ll make sure you forget his voice. We’ll help you replace it with your own voice, telling you you can do whatever you want, that you’re capable; that you deserve someone who loves you and encourages you. It’s not gonna happen overnight, but I promise we will be there every step of the way sweetie,” Ellie says, joining Lacey at my side and throwing an arm around my waist.
“Thank you,” I say, letting a couple tears slide down my cheek.
“You don’t need to thank us, Han, you deserve people in your corner,” Lacey says, throwing an arm around both Ellie and I.
These two have quickly become a lifeline for me. Before my thoughts can wander back to how I’ve missed having friends, how I’ve let Lucas dictate my life, Lacey says, “Okay, that’s enough messiness for one hike! How about we take this party back to the cabin, order the boys to make margaritas, and go enjoy the deck!'' With one last squeeze, we break apart and start making our way back to the cabin.
That night, after we’ve all gone to bed, I lay awake thinking about what Ellie said. Will I eventually stop hearing Lucas’s voice and his snarky, underhanded comments? I hope so. I better.
I know I’m capable. I moved halfway across the country to go to school. I graduated with my MBA at the top of my class, much to Lucas’s chagrin, considering he could barely get a passing grade, and I wasn’t a big fan of the material. I am useful; I was always the one to pitch in and help at work, or even with the HOA when I lived in Halifax.
I just need to remember that I can do things on my own. That people do want my opinion, that people do want to be around me and that I am a twenty-nine-year-old woman. If I want to get bangs, I can get the damn bangs.
Life is a series of choices. Some choices you can take back and some you can’t. Some amazing, some you doubt, and some you straight up regret, as I’ve learnt over the past few months. Maybe I’ve just been living in limbo, between self-doubt and self-pity, but now, here in Calgary, surrounded by these new friends and possibilities, happiness and growth is within reach. I just have to choose to grab it, instead of living in this rut controlled by my past. It’s time that I make that choice. I haven’t lived or had contact with Lucas in over a year. I chose to only have contact with him through my lawyer. I chose to get a divorce. I chose to move to Calgary, to quit my job. Now I need to choose to let go of that part of my life for good—to stop feeling sorry for myself and to live the life I’ve always imagined.
With my new resolve, I fall asleep with a smile on my face knowing that, tomorrow, I start choosing me.
I slept like a baby after my little internal monologue last night, meaning I was awake by 6:00 a.m. ready to take on the world. Deciding to use the alone time I’ll have this morning, knowing nobody else is going to be awake at this time, I roll out of bed, go to my suitcase that’s haphazardly laying under the window, and grab the red bikini the girls made me buy, and a sweater I stole from Levi. I also grab my laptop and notebook as I make my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth and apply some sunscreen.
Looking in the bathroom mirror, I see that it’s not sunscreen I’m gonna need, but aloe and a hat. Jeez, did I burn yesterday. Shaking my head, I make my way to the kitchen and quickly make myself a Nespresso coffee before making my way to the outdoor patio table overlooking the mountains.
Breathing in the fresh mountain air, I smile and set my coffee and laptop down before taking a seat and making myself comfortable. I might as well do something productive, like iron out my characters and plot so I can get started on the actual writing part of a book. Opening up a new word document, I open my notebook and start plotting the first chapters of what will hopefully become the first of many novels.
Losing track of everything around me, I jump when a second mug gets placed in-front of me, scaring me half to death. “Holy fuck!” I say without thinking as my hands fly in front of me and my heart starts beating out of my chest.
“Woah there!” Ian says with one hand up and a mug in the other. “I didn’t mean to scare you. You looked pretty concentrated when I got to the kitchen, so I figured I’d bring you a refill.”
“Thank you. I was just about to go make myself a refill actually,” I say, feeling a blush rise on my cheeks as I take him in. How can a guy be that good looking? I’d like to know what kind of deal he made with the devil to look like that , I wonder as I feel the blush deepen. I am suddenly thankful for the sunburn I got yesterday. If only I was a few years younger and not so jaded , I think to myself as Ian sits down beside me.
“So what are you working on at 8:30 a.m.?” he asks as he takes the seat beside me.
“Nothing important,” I quickly answer. I haven’t written in years and can hear Lucas telling me no one would ever be interested in what I write . . . No , I tell myself mentally, remembering the speech I gave myself last night. I am choosing to forget Lucas and I am choosing to go after this dream of mine.
I always assumed that getting the actual divorce would be the hardest part of moving on. I was wrong. The hardest is what comes after. It’s the rediscovering, accepting, and sharing yourself with others that’s the hard part.
“Must be important if you brought your laptop on vacation, plus you looked too concentrated for it to be nothing,” he probes, leaning back in his chair and getting comfortable, as if he’s actually interested.
“You’re gonna think it’s stupid,” I answer, feeling that doubt creeping back into my mind again, as if I’ll never be able to get rid of it. Turning away from him, I take a deep breath before the emotions take a hold of me. Another deep breath and I give myself a mental shake, reminding myself that not everybody will judge me or think that my ideas are stupid.
“Doubtful, but that’s fine,” he says, letting it go as he turns to take in the view. I take the opportunity to take him in, more than I did five minutes ago. He looks so at home with a backwards Calgary Rockies ball cap and thick lines of muscle under his T-shirt completely relaxed. Making my way down, I get caught on the sight of black tattoo spreading out under the sleeve of his T-shirt and going down all the way to his wrist. I’ve never thought of tattoos as attractive, but I swear they just add to Ian’s hotness. I can’t help but stare at his forearm flexing as he takes another sip of his coffee.
“You working on your book?” he asks, nudging my foot under the table, unfortunately, breaking me out of my staring.
“How do you know about that?” I ask, startled and a little embarrassed that he knows I’m trying to write a book.
“Levi told me and I did hear him ask you if you were planning on writing a smut book when we were at JJ’s,” he answers, nodding to my laptop with his chin.
“That guy can’t keep anything to himself,” I say with an eye-roll. “Yes, I was working on my book. I woke up before six, so I decided to come sit out here and do something useful with my time while everyone was sleeping.”
“Please don’t let me interrupt,” Ian says as he goes to stand up.
“No,” I quickly say, grabbing onto his wrist. Instantly goose bumps break out across my arm. “Stay. I didn’t mean it that way. You’re not interrupting, I was about to call it anyways.” For some reason I don’t want him to leave.
“You sure?” he asks with a smirk, looking down at his wrist that is still encased by my fingers. Letting go, I push my sunglasses up on my nose, grab my mug, and turn my attention to the mountains.
“Yeah, stay,” I finally answer.
After a few moments, he breaks the silence, “I don’t want to tell you what to do but . . . You should probably put on some sunscreen, or I can open up the patio umbrella. You’re looking pretty toasty . . .” he says, trying to hide a smile behind his coffee mug.
“Not funny!” I say. “We forgot to bring sunscreen yesterday on our hike.”
“Last time I forgot sunscreen, I thought I was dying. I went on a trail ride only wearing a ball cap and burned the back of my neck pretty badly.”
“I think my shoulders and back of my neck are the worst too,” I say as I stand up to open the umbrella.
“Did you bring aloe?” he asks once the umbrella is up.
“No, but Lacey did. I’m waiting for her to get up so I can put some on,” I say, settling back into my seat.
“Don’t move,” Ian says as he jumps up and heads back into the cabin. A few seconds later, he comes back out holding a bottle of aloe vera.
“Since that last sunburn, I never go anywhere without this stuff,” he explains as he comes to stand behind me. “How about you put your hair up, and I make sure you get some aloe everywhere.”
Putting my hair up in a messy bun with the scrunchy I have around my wrist, I start questioning why I’m letting an almost complete stranger rub aloe vera all over my back. I slowly take off the oversized crew neck I had on and lay it across my lap. Must be the big-dick energy that oozes out of this guy, wreaking havoc on my brain. And those damn tattoos. Or, it’s the fact that he just has something about him that makes me feel completely at ease.
“All right, this might be a little cold,” Ian says. Does he sound breathless? Why would a top athlete be breathless? Clearly, I’ve been reading too many romance novels. That, or I need to take Lacey’s advice and get laid.
Cold hands make me jump and lose my train of thought.
“Sorry,” Ian says with a small laugh, as he runs his hands across my upper back.
Leaning forward, relaxing a bit so he can get the entirety of my neck, I let out a surprise low moan.
“Sore?” Ian asks, but before I have the chance to react myself and before I can answer, he starts massaging my shoulders.
“Apparently,” I answer, with a shaky laugh, trying to wrap my head around why I’m so comfortable letting him touch me like this. Or why his touch feels so good. He’s only touching my shoulders, but I can feel his hands all the way down to my toes. Goosebumps are appearing on my arms and legs, and it’s not because it’s cold out.
“No worries, I’ve gotten enough massages in my day to know what works,” he answers softly.
“Thanks,” I say, not knowing what else to say. I am receiving what has to be the best massage I’ve ever had.
Thankfully, before the silence can get awkward, he asks, “So, where are you at in your writing process?”
“Still plotting my chapters, but I got a bunch done this morning!” I say.
“That’s good. What kind of book are you writing?”
“It’s okay, you don’t have to ask about my book or give me a massage,” I say quietly, not wanting to impose myself. You’re not imposing, he asked. He joined me on the deck when he didn’t have to , I tell myself. Seems like last night’s resolve is going to be harder to maintain than I originally thought. Most good things do take time though.
“My mom is always going on about any new book she’s reading.My dad just built her a library actually,” he says with a smile in his voice.
“Oh my God, really? I’ve always wanted a library in my house!”
Laughing, he answers, “Oh yeah, the minute I bought my own house, my dad got to work converting my childhood bedroom into a woman cave for my mom. Wouldn’t let her know what he was doing either, it drove her up the wall.”
“I love that! That’s so sweet; your dad sounds like a real keeper.”
“He really is,” he agrees, laughing. “So, what’s your book about? Tell me it’s a romance and my mom will be your first reader.”
“I’ll make sure to ask her what she thinks then,” I answer by confirming that romance is indeed what I’m writing, even though I’m still a little embarrassed that that’s what I chose to write, instead of writing “something more intelligent” as Lucas would say.
“That’s awesome. My mom is seriously obsessed with those books. She started letting my little sister read what she calls closed-door romance, whatever that means.”
“It means there’s no sex in the books; there’s a lead up, but nothing inappropriate.”
“Well, thank God! I don’t need my sister thinking about sex!” he says, letting out a breath.
“How old is she?”
“Sadie is sixteen going on twenty-six,” he answers with a laugh.
“Trust me, she’s thinking about sex.” Laughing, I insist, “And trust me, you’d rather she be learning how to be treated by reading those books than by spending time with teenage boys,” I say, leaning forward a bit more so he can work on a knot towards the middle of my back.
“And why is that?” he asks. “Or do I really want to know?”
“Book boyfriends put all men to shame and raise our standards to incredible levels. Trust me, no boy is gonna make it past the first date. And secondly, a girl should know how to take care of herself before inviting someone else to that experience,” I say delicately, knowing how brothers see their little sisters, especially having had a little taste of it from Summer and Levi’s older brothers.
“You really think it would keep the little creeps away if she read those books?” he asks. “Not open the door to the urges?”
“Trust me when I say the urges are there; I was a sixteen-year-old girl. As a society we’ve accepted that teenage boys have all these thoughts, but we forgot that teenage girls are also having their own sexual awakening.” This is not the conversation I thought I’d be having at nine in the morning with a man I’ve known for less than three weeks. But the reactions I’ve been having towards him are also not normal for me. It’s clear I’m attracted to him. I’ve been attracted to men before but not like this, not so immediate. I feel safe and comfortable in his presence.
“Okay that’s enough about my baby sister’s awakening,” he says as I feel him shrug behind me. “Tell me, what else is on this bucket list of yours.”
“Oh, nothing important. So, you grew up in Calgary?” I ask, trying to change the subject.
“Yes, I did, but don’t change the topic. I know there was hiking, line dancing, yoga, working on your book,” he says with a squeeze of my shoulders.
“Fine. Ummm . . . horseback riding, get a tattoo, go to an MLB game, go on a beach vacation, to start with,” I say, giving in.
“Awww, so that’s why Lacey wants my beach house for a few days.”
“Yeah, she figured we could get two birds with one stone: catch a baseball game and have a beach weekend,” I say with a laugh.
“Well, I can also help with horseback riding!” he says excitedly as he stops massaging my back and shoulders. He takes his spot back next to me as we hear the patio door open, and Ellie and JJ walk out. I hadn’t realized he was still massaging me until he stopped. It felt like the most natural thing, having him massage my shoulders as we chatted. I had gotten used to feeling his soft relaxing movements, completely getting lost in his touch. I can’t remember the last time I was this relaxed.
“Lucky for you, I grew up on a cattle ranch with plenty of horses,” he continues. “How about I pick you up Tuesday afternoon and bring you to the ranch?”
“You want to take me horseback riding?” I ask, wanting clarification.
“Yeah, and you can check out my moms library while we're there,” he says with a shrug of his shoulders, like it’s no big deal.
“I mean if it’s okay with your parents, sure,” I answer before I have time to second guess myself and say no. I am choosing to do what I want.
Laughing, he says, “My mom and dad won’t care, they’ll just be happy that two of the horses will get to go on a trail ride. Does 9:30 on Tuesday work for you?”