21. Chapter 21
Chapter 21
A couple days after my shower with Ian, I’m sitting alone at Levi’s kitchen island trying to work on my book, but I’m too distracted thinking about what happened in that shower.
Honestly, I don’t know what happened. Yeah, I had the best orgasms of my life, but what is that supposed to mean? It’s not like I’m looking at getting into another relationship. Not now anyways, and maybe not ever if I’m being honest. Although, Ian definitely knows what he’s doing in the bedroom from the little I got to experience last weekend.
Shaking my head, I try to stop thinking about him and how easily he figured out my body, which is easier said than done. He is consuming all of my thoughts. The only time I seem to be able to forget about him is when I’m writing.
As much as I say I’m not looking for a relationship, I know myself enough to know I’m not letting this guy go, at least not right away. I wasn’t lying when I told him I didn’t want it to be a one-time thing. I’m just terrified of losing myself in another relationship when I’ve barely started standing on my own two feet again. I’m finally in a place where I’m choosing to do what I want to do without having to think of someone else, I have a sense of freedom that I never had in my marriage, and I’m not ready to lose that freedom.
Relationships aren’t meant to rein in your freedom, I hear the little voice in my head tell me. Realistically, I know that, but in my experience, that’s not true. In my experience, you lose yourself completely and turn into someone you don’t even recognise in the mirror.
On the other hand, I did say that I need to start choosing to do what I want to do. To do things that make me happy.
Being with Ian makes me happy.
At least, he seemed okay when I said I wasn’t looking at getting into any kind of relationship, he even promised to not hang out with other women as long as we were doing, whatever we’re doing. Which, the more I think about it, sounds a lot like a friends-with-benefits agreement, even though those words were never actually spoken.
Oh the bright side, I’ve written so much in the last two days since Ian dropped me back home. Maybe Lacey and Ellie were right, I did need to get laid. Or have a couple non-battery-operated orgasms to get my creativity flowing. I wonder if he’ll keep my creativity flowing for the remainder of the off-season . . .
Before I can get lost in the fantasy of having Ian all to myself for a few weeks, my phone vibrates beside me. Grabbing it, I see that it’s Ian texting me. I haven’t seen him since the afternoon after the storm. He’s been helping his parents at the ranch; the storm caused some damage on the property that had to be fixed, but we’ve texted everyday and he’s even called me a few times since.
Opening our conversation, I see he sent me a picture of his view. He’s sitting atop Stella with cows grazing in the field in front of him. Opening my camera app I snap a quick selfie of my messy bun and baggy t-shirt.
I don’t have time to put my phone down before another text comes in, making me smile. You sure seem to be smiling a lot for a girl that’s “not” invested, the voice inside my head mocks, making my smile fall. Shaking off the thought, I reopen our conversation.
Ian:
So that’s where my shirt went . . .
He follows that with a selfie of his own. The minute I can compute what I’m looking at I almost drop my phone.
It’s Ian. Shirtless. Wearing a cowboy hat. On a horse.
I feel myself instantly blush. Before I can really admire the photo or even answer, I hear the front door open and Levi walks in.
“Honey, I’m home!” he says as I hear him drop his bag to the floor.
“In the kitchen,” I answer back with a smile. I’ve missed him. He’s only been gone about five days but I’ve grown to depend on him. He's easily become my best friend in the last few years, and even more so since I moved in. I missed waking up to him making coffee in the kitchen and inevitably dropping something.
“How was your weekend alone?” he asks as he wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest. “I hope the storm wasn’t too bad.” With a kiss to the head, he lets me go and makes his way to open the fridge.
“No it wasn’t bad,” I answer, fiddling with my cup of water.
“Yeah—I kept track of the power outages, it seems our neighborhood wasn’t hit too hard,” he says, turning around with a bottle of orange juice in his hands, leaning against the counter directly in front of me.
“Yeah . . . yeah, it wasn’t bad . . .” I start trailing off. “I actually went over to Ian’s.”
“I know. He texted me to let me know he was gonna pick you up since he has a generator and I don’t,” he says.
“Oh, I didn’t know he asked your permission to hang out with me,” I answer, confused. I guess last weekend was a one off, and he does just feel bad for me. For some reason that leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I just told Ian I didn’t want a relationship, just a bed-buddy for the summer to keep up my writing flow, yet my stomach sinks at the thought of just being another notch in his bedpost. It shouldn’t matter that it didn’t mean anything to him, but he did tell me he wanted to see where this is going. I’m too old for these mixed signals.
“That’s not what happened, Hannah. He didn’t ask for my permission to come get you, he asked if I thought you’d be weirded out by it. I told him that you’d probably appreciate it. But now you seem weirded out by it. Did something happen?”
Did something happen? Did something happen? Apparently not. No. Nothing happened. Nothing can happen. I’m twenty-nine. He’s twenty-three. My divorce just got finalized. He’s Levi’s best friend; it’s like I’m dating my younger brother's best friend. Nothing is gonna happen. This is starting to feel like a false mantra, just a lie I’m trying to sell myself on.
But he’s been texting me every day, even calling me. Why are men so confusing?
“You know he’s not that bad of a guy, so if something did happen it wouldn’t be the end of the world, and I wouldn’t be mad. You’re a grown ass woman, you can make your own choices.” Levi says, catching on to my spiraling.
“If I can be totally honest with you,” he continues, not letting me speak, “I’ve never seen him care like this. Not that he doesn’t usually care, but he usually doesn’t put in any effort. Yet, he’s called me, even called Lacey, to know more about you, and to make sure he doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable. I guess what I’m trying to say is, he’s a good guy. He wouldn’t be my best friend if he wasn’t. Plus, I already warned him of what would happen if he hurt you,” he finishes as he pushes off the counter, leaving me alone with my thoughts in the kitchen.
I know he’s not a bad guy. Maybe misunderstood, but not bad. If it wasn’t for Lucas and the way things ended, I could see myself falling for Ian. Who am I kidding . . . I’d already be falling. I would have fallen for his cheesy line the first time we met, to the patience he had when we went horseback riding, to always having my favorite coffee waiting for me, to being interested in my writing, and not patronizing me for my fear of thunderstorms.
He’s the complete opposite of what Lucas was. Or at least what he was in the last few years of our relationship. When I first started dating Lucas, he cared, he asked the questions, I was his equal. Like Ian, he was larger than life, the life of the party, it’s what attracted me to him in the first place. But that all changed over the years. Everyone, every relationship, is perfect in the beginning, but people change; goals, wants, and needs change. People grow, and most of the time you don’t grow at the same speed or even in the same direction. I don't know if I want to open myself to that hurt again. To the hurt of growing in a different direction than the person who’s supposed to be your partner. I did it once, and lost myself in the process. I can’t do it again.
I’m so lost in thought that I jump in the air when my phone pings with an incoming text.
Ellie:
JJ is helping his dad out with something this afternoon so we have the pool to ourselves. Know what that means?
Lacey:
Strawberry Margaritas?
Lacey answers with a GIF of a girl floating on a flamingo blowup drinking in a pool.
Me:
Sounds perfect!
Lacey:
Pick you up in thirty?
Me:
I’ll be waiting.
This is exactly what I need; a little bit of girl time to distract me from Ian and men in general.
A little over an hour later I’m sitting on a sun lounger in JJ’s backyard with a frozen strawberry margarita in hand and some Dua Lipa playing from the speaker sitting on the patio table. This is the life. If there's one thing I’ve accomplished since moving to Calgary; it’s relaxing. I hadn’t realized how stressed and wound up I had become over the years in Halifax, and within my marriage. I’m sleeping without having to take my sleeping pills, I can eat without feeling nauseous, and I’m enjoying the little things in life. Like this too strong margarita. Like the view from this sun lounger—I’ll never get sick of seeing the Rockies in the backdrop. Like the sight of a shirtless-hockey-playing cowboy sitting atop a horse. The guy has a six-pack like I didn’t know existed outside of a romance novel. I could lick the V that goes from the top of his hip to his dick. Seriously, the guy is hung like I’ve never seen before. Granted I’ve had four partners including Ian, and was married for three years, so I haven’t seen many.
As my mind wanders back to him, I realize I never texted him back after he sent me the shirtless picture, since Levi had walked in at the same time. Grabbing my phone lying beside my lounger, I go back to our conversation and make his last photo enlarge to full screen. Instantly, my mind goes back to the sight of him on his knees for me in the shower. On top of one of the best orgasms of my life, it made me feel powerful, cherished even, to have him on his knees for me, making sure I get my pleasure. Then, the way he kissed me, it was so tender, yet all consuming.
The longer I look at the photo, thinking about what happened in his shower last weekend, the more I feel myself get turned on, the man has turned me into a woman with a one track mind. He’s awakened something inside of me . . .
Lost in thought, I barely hear the back door open just in time to shut off my phone screen as Lacey says, “And what has Ian said to get you so red, missy?” She’s making her way to me with a new pitcher of margaritas, topping off my glass.
“Nothing,” I say. Oddly I don’t wanna share the photo with her, even though I’m 99% sure she has something going on with Levi, I want to keep this side of Ian to myself. I shouldn’t, can’t, have any claim on him after what we agreed on. This is just temporary, but I can’t help myself from wanting to keep the Ian I’ve gotten to know to myself.
“Fine, we’ll get to that,” she gives in as she gets into the pool. “How about you spill on why you’re wearing his shirt today?” she adds with a knowing smirk.
Saving the day is Ellie, as she comes outside with some snacks. The snacks distract Lacey for a few minutes but not long enough to forget about me.
“Now that Ellie’s here, are you going to share what you did last weekend with the class?” Lacey asks.
“Not much, watched Harry Potter, wrote a few chapters,” I answer honestly, skipping a few details.
“Sweetie, as much as I often tell Lacey to stop being so nosy, tell us what you and Ian got up to?” Ellie asks point blank. “Also, is that really his t-shirt?”
“Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you,” I say, taking another sip of my topped off drink; at this rate I’ll be more than tipsy in no time. “He gave me the two best orgasms I’ve ever had, didn’t let me reciprocate, saying I wasn’t allowed to touch him until he took me out on a proper date. But now I feel guilty. It sounds like he’s actually looking for a relationship, but I’m not, or I don’t think I am. I don’t know if I’ll ever be looking for an actual relationship after what happened with Lucas.” I turn from the edge of the pool to face them and continue, “At first, I thought he would be the perfect guy to cross that stuff off my Bucket List with. Now that I’ve gotten to know him, I’m not so sure. I’m just leading him on. He’s so nice and thoughtful; he paid for my tattoo, and always has a chai latte waiting for me. I’m thinking he doesn’t just want a summer fling. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just so confused. My head tells me not to get into a relationship, but if I’m being completely honest with you, and myself, my heart is telling me to just fall.”
“Well, that’s not what I was expecting,” Lacey says, making Ellie splash her. “Hey! I’m not done! You can’t say that’s what you were expecting either,” she says, wiping her face and giving Ellie a look. “As I was saying. That’s not what I was expecting you to say. I’m kinda surprised that Ian isn’t all in for a summer fling. Don’t think I forgot about the best orgasms of your life, we will be talking about that. Did you ask Ian what he was looking for? Because I’ve never seen that guy with the same girl twice.”
“No, I didn’t ask him.”
“Okay, so why do you think he wants more?” Ellie chimes in.
“Because . . . umm . . . he wouldn’t . . . a . . . he wouldn’t let me return the favor until he took me out on an official date,” I finally get out, feeling myself blush as I reach for my drink.
“Return the favor?” Lacey asks with a wiggle of her eyebrows. “I see we’re getting into the orgasms before your worries. Maybe remembering how good it was will help you relax.”
“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Ellie says with a giggle.
“It could help,” she retorts with a serious face before dissolving into a fit of giggles, making me join in.
“All right. All right,” I say trying to catch my breath. “I’m saying this once and once only so you better listen. So, you both know how I’m afraid of thunderstorms right? Well he showed up at my door, asking if I wanted to weather the storm at his house. He remembered me telling him I didn’t like storms. He told me he had a generator in case the power went out. He was just so sweet to have thought of me, so I agreed. I would have agreed simply on the basis that he had butter chicken waiting for me in the truck, so I packed a bag and we headed to his place. By the time we got there, it was pouring, so we ran inside. I quickly figured out that I had forgotten my bag in his truck. Instead of heading back into the rain, I just borrowed a t-shirt and a pair of boxers . . .”
“Are you sure you borrowed and not stole?” Lacey interrupts, pointing at the T-shirt I left in a pile.
“Do you want me to finish?” I ask her in a sassy tone, rolling my eyes. “As I was saying, I borrowed his clothes, and when I joined him back in the kitchen he had transformed the living room into the cutest little theatre. There was a bunch of pillows and blankets and a projector set up to watch Harry Potter on the ceiling. I fell asleep during the second movie and then I umm . . . I woke up in the middle of the night to pee, but we had no power so he came with me and when we got back into bed, well he ermmm . . .” I stutter trying to find the right words, taking another gulp of liquid courage.
“Gave you a life-changing orgasm?” Ellie asks, “I remember the first time I got naked with JJ, dear lord the orgasms that guy gave me. I thought they were life changing then, but believe it or not they just got better with time,” she adds on, clearly feeling the drinks Lacey has been feeding us.
“And enough!” Lacey almost screams. “I don’t need to hear about JJ,” she adds as she downs her drink, then refilling her glass as well as mine then Ellie’s.
“As Ellie said, he made me see stars. Seriously, the guy barely had to touch me and I was ready to explode. It took him a max of three minutes to get me over the edge,” I share. Clearly those drinks are hitting me hard, as I’m unable to filter my thoughts. “I wasn’t even naked and I’ve never come so hard in my life. And the second time . . . the second time was just—” taking a pause I get a visual of Ian on his knees in front of me in the shower . . .
“Please tell me the second time you at least got to see what he’s working with?” Lacey asks, taking me out of my daydream.
Nodding my head. “I did. In my thirty years, I never thought I’d say this, but his dick is gorgeous. Not that he let me touch it.”
Taking another drink, I’m about to continue, but I’m cut off by Ellie. “So you saw it, but you didn't get to touch it. Am I understanding correctly?” she asks with round eyes.
“Yeah, the next morning after coffee, and once the electricity turned back on, he made a joke about how I should join him in the shower. Thinking, ‘fuck it,’ I went and joined him and I was not disappointed. The guy is a work of art. I didn’t know the human body had so many muscles.” Taking another drink I curiously ask, “Seriously, are all hockey players like that?”
“I promise JJ is,” Ellie says giggling, clearly just as tipsy as I am.
“Anyway, I get in the shower with full intention of returning the favor, and he says ‘no, not until we go on a date,’ and then he drops to his knees . . .”
“You lucky bitch!” Lacey says, fanning her face with her hand. “Please tell me it was better than expected?”
“Best I’ve ever had. Honest.”
“Okay, so why are you feeling bad?” Lacey asks, “You should be basking in that big-dick energy.”
“Because I almost feel like I’m leading him on,” I say quietly, “He’s honestly such a sweet and caring guy but I don’t know if I’m interested in a relationship. Now or ever.”
“I get that,” Ellie says, placing a hand on my shoulder, “I was the same before meeting JJ. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I know I’m pretty young to be saying this, but after my ex I didn’t want anything to do with another man or men in general. I ended up giving him a chance, even though I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere, that he wasn’t going to fix everything my ex had done, and he didn’t. What he did do though, was give me the confidence and strength to find a new version of the girl I was before my ex. He helped me find beauty in the things my ex taught me were ugly. As I slowly fell in love with myself again, I fell in love with him. I can’t tell you what to do, but what I am going to tell you is don’t let past experiences or people from your past dictate your future. You might miss something or someone amazing.”