12. Vera
12
Vera
I gave up on learning how to knit for the day, my arms started to feel strange and the longer I stared at the stitches, the more confusing they seemed to get. So, instead, I’m sorting through the pillows we have in the old nest and seeing which ones need extra or new covers and which ones are fine to go with the new theme.
When we bought these, we only looked at the shape and how fluffy they were, we didn’t really pay attention if the colours matched, to each other or the rest of the nest. But now we’ve got a colour scheme for the new nest —sky and fields of flowers, giving the idea of warm summers and calm dreams— I want the pillows to match with the rest, to give it a more harmonious experience when you walk inside.
Though, the large pink heart-shaped pillow might be a problem... I really like it and love to hang out in it because it’s so soft and big, but it does not match the new nest at all. If the sun hits it directly, you’re nearly blinded by how fluorescent pink the thing is and the new nest colours are much more muted. So I’ll have to find a new location for it.
I did look online to see if they had one in blue or green, but they apparently only come in pink, and sewing my own cover to pull over it is too much of a hassle. The thing is shaped like a heart and getting all the curves right is going to be hell. Added to that, the current cover is super soft and fluffy and finding fabric like it is going to be tricky.
Maybe I can leave the pillow in our bedroom, where it’s been ever since we got it. Though, with the new big bed, there’s a lot less space for it, and it’s kind of in the way.
I stand up and go over to the pillow in question, dropping into it, letting it cradle me as much as possible. Groaning, I roll into a ball and rub my face against the fluff. I’ve been using my brain way too much today and I don’t want to think anymore. I’ll get back to that tomorrow, I’ve had enough for one day.
The bedroom door opens and Caleb looks inside, smiling when he spots me in the pillow. “Can I join you?” He closes the door behind him before he kneels next to me.
I shake my head and reach out to him, he pulls me out of the depths of the pillow and keeps me in his arms, surrounding me in his dark forest pheromones. They seem extra appropriate right now as I also notice the scent of sawdust on him. “Let’s cuddle on the bed instead.” It’s much bigger and if I have Caleb to crawl up against, I don’t need a pillow.
He lets out a deep laugh and climbs on the bed, still holding me against him with one arm, before he settles against the headboard and cradles me against his side, my head on his shoulder, his arm around my back. “You look like you’ve had enough of today.” His voice is soft and he kisses my hair.
“Yeah.” I nod slowly, his pheromones, heat of his body and his steady heartbeat making me feel drowsy. “This last week has been so busy, I feel like I’m tired all the time now.”
“We have been really busy, and all the loud noises around the house probably don’t help, plus, you’re pregnant. It’s totally normal to feel tired, you know?” A soothing rumble starts up in his chest as his arm tightens around me more. “You don’t have to keep pushing yourself if you’re tired. Not everything has to happen right this moment .”
“I know.” I let out a long breath as I listen to his heartbeat and his rumble, trying to sort my thoughts. “But I don’t like it when I’m the only one who’s relaxing when everyone else is working so hard.”
“Sweetheart...” Caleb pulls me on top of him more, giving me a serious look that’s hard to meet. “You’re working the hardest of us all. When it was just us two, you’d relax when I relaxed, but now, you keep going with whoever is being active at that moment. You’re matching your energy with four people who all have different moments of activity in their day. You keep going like one of those hyperactive bunnies.”
I glance away, putting my head on his chest, aware that he’s probably right, but when it happens, it doesn’t feel like that. “Then why do I feel like I’m always slacking off, like I’m the only one who needs time to relax?”
He kisses my hair, his soothing rumble getting louder. “Because you only look to the people who are being active at that moment and not those who are taking a break. I know that’s who you are, but you are going to work yourself into exhaustion like this, and that won’t be fun for you or anyone else.”
Maybe. But that doesn’t solve the problem that I feel like I’m not doing anything, that I’m not pulling my weight in the pack and, at the same time, that I’m exhausted all the time. I don’t know how to solve this. How can I be exhausted when I’ve not done anything?
Caleb might be right, that this is what I do naturally, that I try to match my energy and activity with whoever is around. But if that’s true, then how am I supposed to stop?
He pushes himself up more into a seating position and pulls me into his lap, slowly massaging my shoulders. “I think that if you find your own daily schedule, if you’ve got something to do with more structure, that you’ll also be able to relax more. It’s hard to relax when you don’t feel like you’ve done anything ‘useful’ or ‘productive’ in a day. You used to have your job, and now, you’re stuck at home all the time and you have to fill your days with something yourself. That’s not easy.”
“You don’t seem to have that same problem.” I lean into his touches, my eyes sliding closed because it feels so good.
“That’s because I don’t have to fill my own time. Derrick has plenty of tasks that need doing and that I can help him out with, just like Mathew. If one of their cars is acting up, Derrick calls me in. If Derrick needs someone tall as a sparring partner for his teams, he calls me in. If Mathew needs information on construction or something car related, he calls me in.”
I shoot him a pretend-glare. “Thanks for letting me know I’m the only one who isn’t pulling their weight in our pack... Not helping with my mood, at all.”
He laughs deep, making it rumble in his chest, and wraps his arms around me, pulling me as close as possible, surrounding me with his love. “That’s not what I meant, you know that. I meant that I’ve been kept busy, so I’ve not had to worry about my time.” His tone changes, more serious. “You’ve been helping Mathew out with some tasks, right?”
I nod slightly, not sure where he’s going with this.
“I know that he probably doesn’t want me to tell you this, but he likes it when you help him, because you’re good at what you do. But he’s been trying to give you time to adjust to this new life, and for you to choose what you want to do next yourself. You’re looking at maybe doing some college classes, you’ve got lots of hobbies, you’re pregnant. There’s a lot going on in your life, so he didn’t want to rush you.”
Caleb kisses the top of my head, a soft and content rumble in his chest. “He wants you to choose what you really want to do. He’s insistent that you do something you’re enthusiastic about and not because that’s what he would like or because it’s something you slide into because that’s just how things work out.”
Mathew wants me to do what I want... Giving me the time to choose... I guess I didn’t see it that way before.
I thought that he wanted me to take college classes because I wasn’t able to go before, and because he thinks it’s important. But I’ve been struggling with choosing them because I have no idea what I’d be working towards. If anything is good, as long as I make the choice myself…
Something that I really want to do...
“Even if it puts me in danger?” I keep my voice quiet, knowing Caleb will have no problem hearing me, even if the words scare me.
“While I think everyone will hate it if you put yourself in danger, including me,” he kisses my neck, “we’ll all support you as well as we can. What did you have in mind?”
I take a deep breath. “I want to help Mathew out with his organisation. I don’t want to take college classes right now. We’ve got the Hearts after us. We’ve got the whole mess with the guys from Hubert’s pack. I want to stop the Hearts. I want to stop organisations like them. I want to help create a world where what happened to Mathew won’t happen to anyone else.”
“Well, that’s definitely not danger-free.” Caleb lets out a soft laugh. “But if that’s what you want, I’ll support it. And I’m sure Mathew would love having you at his side too.”
He leans back, looking up at the canopy of the bed as he lets out another laugh, deeper this time. “I have a feeling that this is exactly how Erika got to where she is now. That drive to rid the world of the Suits Syndicate pushing her every step.”
I laugh too. Yes, that sounds about right. And like her, I’ve got an amazing pack to make that happen. “Do you think we can work together with Erika’s pack? I know that she’s focused on a different part of the Suits, but would that be possible?”
Caleb reaches out, touching my cheek tenderly. “If it’s you who asks, I’m sure neither Erika nor Mathew will be able to say no, they both adore you too much to turn you down.”
“Hey!” I glare at him, frowning. “It’s not about how much they like me, or how much they won’t be able to deny any of my requests. I’m serious. I want to have the best chance to make a difference.”
“I didn’t mean to anger you.” He pulls me back against him, his lips close to mine. “I meant that if anyone can make it happen, it’ll be you.” He gives me a soft kiss, his pheromones filled with warmth and love. “There are plenty of personalities in our packs that will likely clash over the smallest annoyances. But if it’s you who brings them together, I know that everyone will be on their best behaviour.”
He kisses me again, longer this time, before he meets my gaze, grinning wide. “And if anyone misbehaves, they’ll have to deal with Erika or Mathew. Erika might not have the same reputation as Mathew, but you know that nobody wants to cross her.”
I laugh too. Right.
“So, do you think this is a good idea?” I entwine my fingers with Caleb’s, looking at our hands together, nervous.
“I think it’s important that you do something that you want to do. Of course, two packs, no matter how well we work together, won’t be able to take all of the Suits down. But I believe we can make a difference. If that’s what you want, you should go for it.” He kisses my fingers, pulling my gaze to his eyes, which are filled with love. “I’ll support you in any way possible, like I always have.”
My heart skips a beat at the tone of his voice, then I nod. “I just don’t want what happened to Mathew to happen to anyone else… I don’t care how big the organisation is, I want to be responsible for making sure that by the time my coffin is lowered into the ground that they’re smaller than they are now. And I want every bastard that ran or otherwise supported that ‘brothel’ and every piece of shit who ‘rented’ him dead .”
I put my hand over my lower belly. “Preferably before our kids are old enough to learn about places like that.”
I want to make this world a better place and I feel this is the way I can do that.
This is what I really want to do. Not five or ten years into the future, but right now .