Chapter Five
He didn’t even say goodbye.
My father left this morning without a word. From what I understand, he is going to rehab. Honestly, part of me is happy that he is getting help, but the other part feels abandoned.
Grabbing a half-empty bottle of liquor, I take the cap off and take a swig. I mean, why not, right? If it’s good enough for daddy dearest, it is good enough for me.
It burns going down, but honestly, bring it on. I’d rather feel the burn than the silence in this house.
It’s weird. I didn’t like seeing him drunk off his ass every day, but now that he’s gone, I miss not seeing him passed out on the couch.
I don’t know how to process these feelings.
A knock at the door has me setting the bottle down. When I open the door, I want to slam it shut again.
“What do you want?” I ask, staring into those smoky green eyes.
“I came by to check on you. I told you that if you want to stay here, someone stays with you.”
I snort. “And you elected yourself, I presume?”
“I figured you would rather it be me than one of the others. If I have it wrong, I can get a replacement here.”
I shake my head, turning to head into the living room. I hear the door shut as his footsteps follow me.
Picking up the bottle of liquor, I take another swig.
Bullet steps forward, pulling it from my hand.
“You want to go to rehab, too? I have no problem driving you myself.”
“Fuck you. You don’t get a say on what I do. I’m an adult now. I’ll take care of myself. I’m only allowing you to be here because if I don’t, I know Reaper will send someone to drag my ass to the clubhouse,” I spit at him, moving to grab another bottle.
Bullet tries to take it from me too, but I step out of his reach.
“Stop trying to control my life,” I groan.
“I’m trying to keep you from making a mistake.
If you keep drinking and doing drugs, you are going to become an addict for the rest of your life.
You never get rid of that stigma once you do.
Not only will others always question you, but that feeling inside that makes you crave that numbness never goes away. I’m trying to save you.”
“I didn’t ask to be saved!” I scream at him.
“You didn’t have to. I want to save you. Need to.”
“Why? Why do you even fucking care?” I throw my hands up in the air.
He doesn’t answer me, though. He looks away. That’s enough to get my blood boiling.
“Fine. You want the bottle so bad, fucking take it.”
I throw it at him with all my strength. I expected him to duck, but he wasn’t looking. Instead, as he looks up, it hits him in the head, smashing to a million pieces.
My heart skips a beat as I stare at him. Blood starts to flow from his brow.
Oh god, I hurt him.
My heart races as I sway, staring at the blood.
I’m as shocked as he is. His body is soaked in the liquor as the blood drips onto the floor. We both stand there and stare at one another for a moment.
Then I crumple to the floor.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I cry, not able to hold in my emotions.
Bullet is next to me within seconds, smelling of bourbon and copper. He is still bleeding, but he pays no attention to himself. Instead, he holds my face in his hands.
“Harlee, stop. Angel, I’m okay. It’s okay.”
I collapse into his arms as he holds me. I can feel his blood on my skin, but I don’t care.
I need this.
I need him.
“I don’t know how to live in a world without my mom. She held everything together. Then she was gone, and dad was too. He didn’t care anymore. I don’t know how to be alone.”
He rocks me back and forth. “You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone. I’m here.”
I want to believe him, but if my mom could leave my dad the way she did, Bullet could leave me. He could tear my heart out and leave me living yet dead at the same time.
I don’t voice that, though. Instead, I let him comfort me.
I soak in every bit of affection he is giving me.
Tomorrow, I might be back to the cold, calloused girl I have had to become to survive, but for tonight, I let myself be the seventeen-year-old girl who thought her mother would always be alive.
The same girl who thought her dad hung the moon and only wanted a boy to notice her.
If I had known I would get his attention, but I would lose everything, I never would have wished for it. You can’t turn back time, though. All you can do is wade through the mess after your life implodes.
“I don’t want to do this anymore,” I admit to him, tears running down my face.
“Then don’t. Choose to pick yourself up and get your life together.
It hurts like hell, but it will get better eventually.
You’ll never fully be rid of the pain, but it won’t control you as it does now.
You need to make the decision to stop holding onto the pain and let it go. Give it the opportunity to escape you.”
I wish I knew how to do what he is saying. It sounds so easy, but it is anything but. One day, I hope I can look back and think about my mom without this agonizing pain sitting on my chest.
For now, I chose to embrace the pain, letting it all come out as Bullet holds me in his arms.
I cling to the safety his arms bring me and let myself feel the emotions I have tried to hide for the past two years.
Then I let it all go.
She cried in my arms for hours. It didn’t matter that my head was bleeding. I sat there and held her until her breathing evened out.
I would give this woman my soul if she asked for it. If I could break every bone in my body just to heal her pain, I would. I would die if it meant bringing Eleanor back to her.
I can’t do any of that, though. Instead, all I can do is sit by feeling like a useless piece of shit while she struggles to process her emotions.
The fact that I can’t do anything to ease her pain eats at my soul each and every day.
I wasn’t supposed to feel like this for her, but the last two years have brought us closer.
She was a bratty teen before. Someone I would have never looked at, but watching her through this grief has shown me the woman she is turning into.
It’s not too late for her to get back on the right path, and I’m determined to make sure she gets there.
I’m hoping tonight was a step forward for her. I really need it to be. I don’t know what else I can do to help her. She’s seeing a therapist now. She’s broken down and let her emotions out instead of numbing them. I’m showing her that I am here for her every step of the way.
There is nothing else I can do but wait.
Be patient.
Standing, I sweep her up into my arms. She looks so peaceful, even with the tears dried on her face. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. I miss the sassy girl who would give as good as she got. That girl was going to be a spitfire of a woman.
She still can be, but she is a little lost right now. I only hope I can help her find her way.
Walking down the hall, I keep Harlee close to me. I don’t want to let her go, but I know I need to. I can’t be here when she wakes up. That will be crossing lines that I’m not allowed to cross.
Still, after I tuck her into bed, I sit next to her, caressing her hair. I hate that my blood stains her skin, but I’m too afraid to wake her. Thankfully, my head stopped bleeding at some point, but not before it branded her.
“I won’t leave you,” I tell her sleeping body. “I’ll be here as long as you will have me.”
Leaning over, I kiss her forehead. Then I leave her room, shutting the door quietly behind me. I rest my back on the door and remind myself that this is what is best for her in the long run. She is a strong woman. She will make it through this.
Still, it kills me every time I see her breaking. I do my best to hold her together, but I don’t always know how to.
Pushing off from her door, I stop in the bathroom to take a look at my head. It won’t need stitches, but I clean it up anyway.
Then I take an inventory of the rest of the house.
It’s obvious that Honk had a bigger problem than we realized.
The number of half-drunk alcohol bottles around the house is astounding.
I hate to go through their things, but I can’t leave it like this.
I need to find every drop so that Harlee won’t be tempted.
It takes me several hours to go through and find everything while also cleaning and putting the house back in order. It’s nearly dawn when I finally finish. It feels good to see the place back in order. Hopefully, she will feel the same.
I’m about to go check on her when my phone rings. Seeing it’s Reaper, I answer.
“What’s up?” I ask him.
“We need you in church.”
I frown, “I don’t want to leave Harlee alone. She had a rough night.”
“I’ll send the new prospect over to keep an eye on her. It’s important.”
I sigh. “I’ll be there when he gets here.”
There’s silence before he speaks again. “How is she really doing?”
“Honestly, not good. She doesn’t know how to make sense of her life. It’s as if Eleanor died last night, not two years ago. She has been stuck in this loop, and I have no idea how to get her out of it.”
“Hopefully, Honk getting help will be the catalyst for her to start to heal. It couldn’t have been easy to see one parent killing themselves while the other was already dead.”
He’s not wrong. It was my main worry about Honk drinking so excessively.
The guys didn’t want to intervene sooner, though.
They had hoped he would get his life together for Harlee.
The only problem is that he would have had to see Harlee for that to happen.
He was stuck in his own nightmare so deeply that he couldn’t see his daughter.
I look back at the hall. “It’s left its scars. I fear that it might be too late to truly save her, but I’m going to try my best.”
“And what Honk said about not dating her?” he asks.
“I’m not dating her. I’m making sure she lives,” I tell him.
“You’re in love with her, though.” He calls me out on my bullshit.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I have to disrespect him because of it. I am willing to sacrifice myself for her. I can love her from afar.”
He lets out a snort. “I’ll believe it when I see it. The prospect is on the way. See you soon.”
As he hangs up, I can’t help but go check on her one last time. She is lying on the bed, her hair splayed out around her. She looks so fucking beautiful like this. I wish I could crawl into bed, hugging her to my side.
I can’t, though, so instead I go to her, kissing her forehead once more.
“I’ll be back. Be a good girl, Angel,” I whisper against her skin.
Then I slip out of her room and wait for whatever is to come next.