Chapter 11 - Mira
I watched Declan shove himself away from me and walk out of the room. I tried not to flinch as the door slammed shut behind him.
I hugged myself tighter, staring at the bed where I had just lost my virginity.
What had just happened? One minute, he was acting like he genuinely cared about me. The next, he was marching out without a backward glance. I couldn’t understand it.
Maybe he hadn’t enjoyed it, and that was why he was mad at me now and had stormed off. Or, and this worried me even more than the other option, perhaps he was repulsed by my body and saw the whole thing as a mistake. I hadn’t forgotten all the things he had said about my body back in our old pack. If the sex had just happened in the heat of the moment because of everything that had happened, maybe he had seen my body and remembered how much he hated it. The thought alone made me wrap my arms around my stomach, painfully aware of all my curves and fat. God, how could I have been so stupid?
My head spun as the hurt began to seep through. In a way, it was almost as bad as when we were kids. Except now, a tiny worry lurked in my head. Had I just been used? Was that all it was? I pushed the thought away. I couldn’t think that. If I let myself believe that, then it would just make everything worse.
Unsure what else to do, I took his advice and went to take a shower. As the water ran down my back and soaked my hair, I let my thoughts wander, trying to parse out my emotions even as they seemed to shift and mutate every second.
I had just had sex with Declan. And immediately afterward, he’d rejected me. Again. And after that, I was still supposed to get married to him. The thought sent a mix of dread and anxiety through me, even as it kindled a spark of excitement in my wolf. I tried to push that eagerness down every time it cropped up, forcing myself and my wolf to have a reality check. Declan was only marrying me out of necessity. Nothing else. His reaction just now was proof of that. It was a kind offer, but it wasn’t as though he had a shred of genuine affection for me.
Maybe it was better for me to just leave and run away. I could try my luck elsewhere and hope that this time, Harrison wouldn’t find me. I could turn loner, even.
But once I thought about it, I knew how unfeasible that was. I was stuck in this situation whether I liked it or not.
I took a deep breath, trying to give myself some sort of silver lining. At the very least, if I went through with it, I could always leave later. Once the Harrison debacle was sorted out.
That was comforting enough to at least get moving. I continued my shower, taking longer than necessary to wash all of Declan’s scent off me.
By the time I got out, the stragglers and the rest of the Gold Wolves had left. The house felt oddly empty after the frivolity of only an hour earlier. I wandered through the halls, heading toward Dani’s playroom to check on her.
I found her sitting cross-legged on the floor, building a new marble run. She glanced over at me as I entered.
“Hey, Dani,” I said. “Doing okay?”
She nodded, then frowned as she studied me. “Are you all right?” Dani asked.
I was taken aback by the genuine concern in her words, her head tilted and her brow furrowed. “You seem really upset,” she added.
My heart melted a little, the resolve to leave ebbing somewhat. “I’m okay,” I said. “Just a little stressed out.”
Dani nodded. “When I’m stressed, I eat ice cream,” she said. “Have you tried eating ice cream yet?”
I bit back a laugh. “Not yet.”
“Come on, then.” Before I could protest, Dani grabbed my hand and led me down the stairs and into the kitchen. She plopped me down at the table and scurried over to the freezer. A puff of cold air spilled out as Dani glanced back in my direction.
“Do you like birthday cake flavor or chocolate?” she asked.
“Chocolate.”
She grabbed two tubs. I watched as she used a stool to grab two bowls and a scoop, depositing birthday cake into one and chocolate into the other. Without asking, she went back to the fridge and pulled out a can of whipped cream, adding a generous portion to each bowl.
“Here.” Dani slid a heaping bowl of chocolate in front of me. The melting whipped cream spilled around the chocolate, pooling toward the bottom.
“Thanks.”
Dani clambered into the seat next to me with her own bowl and began shoveling her treat into her mouth with gusto. I picked at mine, trying to enjoy the flavor even as it tasted a little like ash. I tried to focus on Dani’s chatter, though it was hard to listen with all the thoughts swirling in my head, regardless of how badly I wanted to pay attention, if only to distract me from everything else.
“Do you feel better?” she asked after her bowl was finished.
“A little,” I told her.
She eyed my bowl. “If you don’t want your ice cream, I can help,” she offered.
I raised an eyebrow, giving the faintest hint of a smirk as a new realization crossed my mind. “Are you doing this so that you could have a bowl of ice cream?”
Dani’s lips disappeared into her mouth as she bit both of them simultaneously. I couldn’t tell if she was biting back a guilty admission or laughter, but I could tell I was right on the money with my guess. Despite that, her eyes and expression were the perfect picture of childlike innocence as she glanced back up at me.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“You know, you’re sneakier than I gave you credit for,” I said. “I didn’t even realize what you were doing.”
“You told me to try harder,” she countered, grinning when it earned a snort.
“So you did trick me,” I said.
“Okay… so maybe a little,” she said. She added quickly, “But I could tell you needed it.”
I laughed. “Well, either way, it helped. So thank you very much. But next time, maybe just ask for ice cream.”
Dani looked up at me with the utmost sincerity. “And where’s the fun in that?” she asked. Before I could respond, she slid out of her chair and walked away, leaving her now-empty bowl behind.
After she left, I let out a slow exhale. I didn’t want to leave Dani. Even if she was stubborn at times, I couldn’t deny that I had already grown fond of her and wanted to help take care of her. Which meant I was staying here for a while longer.
I pushed back from the table and deposited the bowls in the dishwasher. Even though Dani had tricked me to get ice cream, I had to admit that it had alleviated some of my fears and anxieties. But my head still swam with a myriad of thoughts and fears, building to the point I could barely take it. I needed a breath of fresh air.
Glancing through the massive windows, I had a sudden itch to hunt, or at least go for a run. The woods called to me, beckoning. Declan was here, and technically I was supposed to be off today, even if the party had ended somewhat abruptly. There was nothing saying I couldn’t go out for a few hours.
The second the thought crept into my head, I knew I wouldn’t be able to shake it. I had to get out, to clear my head.
So that was exactly what I did.
As I ran, the smells of the forest washed over me. The earth, the fresh pine and oak, the prey scurrying through the brush. I inhaled deeply, savoring it even as I ran. The air here was better than it had been at my old pack. It felt crisper, fresher, freer. It felt more me. Out of everywhere I had lived, this area seemed the most suited to me. Even if the circumstances were far from ideal.
God, how did I get into this situation? I pushed the thoughts away. The whole point of this hunt was to stop thinking about Declan or the wedding or anything like that.
I focused back on the scents. As I did, a new smell, one I had grown up knowing, filtered through the others. I slowed, turning my head in the direction of the scent as the brush cracked and rustled to my left, and a sleek grey wolf trotted into view.
Jackson’s wolf seemed larger than I remembered. He regarded me, his tail swishing. Then his head swiveled in a different direction, nostrils flaring as the scent of rabbit drifted toward us. Another flick of the tail, and we both rushed forward, charging into the brush.
We hunted for an hour, collecting a handful of hares. Eventually, we found ourselves at a rocky overhang, trees spilling out beneath us as we looked down the side of the mountain, and by unspoken agreement, we came to a halt.
Jackson nuzzled against me, his cold nose pressing against my cheek, the way he used to when we were younger and he wanted to annoy me. I laughed inwardly, feeling like a kid again for the briefest of moments. Jackson panted happily, his wolf mouth spread into a human-like grin. A moment later, the wolf melted away and my brother stood before me.
“Are you ever going to stop doing that?” I asked without any real annoyance.
Jackson flashed a charming, playful grin. “Where’s the fun in that?” he fired back.
I shook my head. “What were you doing out here, anyway? Hunting?”
“Looking for you,” he said. “I just went to Declan’s, but he said you weren’t there.”
“Yeah,” I said, taking a deep breath as I sat cross-legged on the rock, staring out at the view that spanned for miles. It really was beautiful here. “I needed to clear my head.”
He nodded, coming to sit next to me. “What happened, exactly? With your old pack? I don’t buy Harrison’s explanation for a minute.”
“You don’t?” I shouldn’t have been surprised, but his faith in me was more comforting than I would have thought possible for my brother. A spark of sisterly affection that I hadn’t felt in years flickered to life inside me.
He gave a snort and nudged my shoulder with his. “You cried when I killed a spider once instead of taking it outside. You’re a great hunter, but you’ve never been one for unnecessary death. There’s no way you killed a guy, especially a member of your pack. And if you did, they deserved it. In my book, that’s the same thing as being innocent.”
I laughed. “I don’t think that’s how that works,” I said, then I took a deep breath. “But thanks.”
He gave me a speculative look, one that was far more mature than I would have thought. He really wasn’t the older brother who used to pick on me anymore.
“You can thank me by telling me what happened at your old pack,” he said.
I nodded, then took another deep breath. It didn’t take long to tell the story. Even less time than it had when I explained it to Declan. Jackson listened, his attention locked on me. I could see him getting angrier and angrier with every word. By the time I finished, he was fuming.
“That fucker,” he snarled.
The succinctness and bluntness came so out of left field that I couldn’t help myself. I broke out into laughter. Jackson cracked a grin, though I could still see the anger seething beneath the surface.
“I mean it,” he said. “I wish Declan had let me take a swipe at him when I had the chance.
“I know,” I said. “Though probably for the best that he stopped you. I doubt starting a whole war is worth anyone’s time. But thanks for standing up for me back there. It… meant a lot.” I didn’t know how to express my emotions better than that. A month ago, before I moved here, I would have assumed Jackson wouldn’t lift a finger for me. Seeing how protective he was when he saw I was in trouble had taken me by surprise, and I couldn’t explain the rush of gratitude I felt for him, for believing me and standing up for me.
“I’m your brother. I’m going to look out for you. Especially when it comes to creeps like that.”
I fell silent, not sure how to respond. The last time I saw him, he hadn’t seemed to have that mentality. He’d been more than happy to let me get pushed around by his friends. Except, I could hear the sincerity there. To my surprise, I believed every word he was saying, and it meant more to me than I could articulate. After years of being on my own, I had found a place with people who supported me. It shouldn’t have felt bizarre, but I was still having trouble wrapping my head around it.
“So,” Jackson said after the silence had dragged on for too long. “You and Declan. You’re getting married.”
I groaned, rubbing my temples. “God, it’s such a fucking mess, Jackson,” I said. “He didn’t even ask me, and when I tried to walk it back, he wouldn’t listen.”
“It seems like the best way to get out of this,” he said. “I mean, I’m sure it’s not the way you wanted to get married, but he’s the pack alpha. Harrison won’t want to touch you. It was a smart move on Declan’s part.”
I gave a hollow laugh filled with frustration and years-old resentment. “Do you not remember how he used to bully me?”
His brow furrowed. “I mean, I know he picked on you a bit. I know we all did. But it was all in good fun.”
“Fun for you. Not for me. And I wouldn’t call rejecting me in public and making everyone laugh at me ‘all in good fun.’ Why the hell do you think I ran away? It wasn’t because I thought he had just played a hilarious joke on me, that’s for sure.”
Jackson went silent for so long that I turned to look at him. He stared out at the landscape. “I didn’t realize,” he muttered. “I mean, I knew Declan rejected you for real, but I thought the rest was all just teasing and that you were in on the joke.”
I shook my head. “Nope. Never in on the joke for any of it. You saw all the times he made fun of me.”
“He was nice to you in private,” he said, though the defense sounded feeble, and it was apparent he knew it.
“Fat lot of good that does if you deride them in public,” I said. “And you never stood up to him or told him to knock it off. Not really.”
Another long pause followed the statement, though this time it felt more introspective, his eyes glazed over as though recollecting all the times he saw me picked on in public and did nothing about it.
Finally, he said, “Fuck.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry I didn’t protect you. I was an immature prick. It’s a pretty shitty excuse, but it’s the truth.”
The apology softened me a little, allowing me to let out some of that pent-up resentment. “It’s not all your fault,” I said. “Besides, you’re not responsible for how Declan treated me.”
“I don’t think he meant it maliciously,” Jackson said. “I think that’s just the way we were. It’s not a defense, but boys are just dumbasses that way. I did something similar to a girl once.”
“You did?” I turned to look at him. He nodded, his eyes far away, almost wistful, and I could see genuine regret in his eyes. Then he shook his head as though to clear it.
“That was a long time ago,” he said. “And what’s done is done. Point is, we make mistakes.”
I didn’t need to push him to know that was the only information I was going to get on the mysterious woman.
“I guess that explains why you ran away that day,” he said. “I went looking for you, you know.”
I glanced over at him. “Really?”
He nodded, leaning back as he looked out at the view and the stunning autumn colors sprawled out beneath us. “I didn’t take the note seriously. Not at first, at least. I figured that you were just going to come back, that you needed a couple days to yourself after being turned down. When you calmed down, you would come home. By the time I realized you meant it, I couldn’t find a trail to follow.” He shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. “I wish I had gone after you the second I read it.”
I shrugged. “It’s all good,” I said. “Besides, it seems like you ended up doing well for yourself without having to look after me. I mean, you became a Gold Wolf. That’s insane.” I grinned, then nudged him playfully. “You know, I never would have imagined the kid who was scared of a snake would turn into a fierce spec-ops badass.”
“That was one time. And it was a python.”
“And it was at the zoo,” I teased. He stuck his tongue out at me, and we both started laughing. “So I’m guessing your story is similar to his?” I asked.
He nodded. “More or less. I was bored. My best friend was joining the military, and I didn’t have a reason to stick around the pack, so I figured what the hell. I’d dick around in the army for a few years while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Then the Gold Wolves recruited me, and I realized that was what I wanted to do with my life.”
“You liked it?”
He nodded. “I was good at it, too. I really liked it. Going on grand adventures, getting into trouble.” He gave a playful grin as he waggled his eyebrows. “Getting all the ladies.” When I snorted and rolled my eyes, he shrugged, that smirk growing wider. “What? Chicks dig guys with scars.”
“God, if I ever hear you say ‘chicks’ again, we’re going to have serious words,” I said, with no real malice. “But you decided to leave?”
“Just felt like the right time to put up the mantle. As much as I enjoy it, it’s not exactly an easy life.”
I nodded, going quiet as my own thoughts crept over me. I felt so lost and out of sorts. In a handful of hours, everything had been turned upside down.
“Any idea on what I should do?” I asked. He knew what I was talking about without me having to clarify.
“Honestly? I think you should go ahead with the wedding. Declan’s a good guy. Not the same as he used to be. On top of that, he will keep you safe.”
I nodded, knowing he was right. “All right,” I muttered.
“Can I walk you down the aisle?”
The offer was so surprising that my mind froze for a moment. My jaw dropped as the words continued to process. The heartfelt sincerity in his words and expression was all I needed to know he genuinely wanted to. For the first time since we were little kids, maybe ever, I realized just how much he cared about me and how much I cared about him. Until now, I hadn’t realized how terrified I had been about facing this alone. But Jackson being by my side suddenly made the whole process seem less daunting. It felt like I would be able to handle it.
Unsure how to explain any of that, I walked over and pulled him into a hug, our first in over a decade. He tensed for a moment, then wrapped his arms around me.
“Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, I would like that.”