Chapter 35
THIRTY-FIVE
I pull in a deep breath as I walk down the hallway towards the lecture hall, forcing myself to focus on something other than Henry and the reckoning waiting for him tonight. That has to happen under the dark, and until it’s time, I need something to calm me down.
And watching my man stand at the front of a room, sparring with students over quantum mechanics, is exactly what I need.
The door to the hall groans as I push it open, and that breath finally settles inside me when I see Cade, standing with his arms crossed as he glares at a girl in the second row with her hand raised.
Perfection.
His eyes flick towards me as I slide into my usual seat in the back, stretching out and settling in for the show.
But I’m disappointed in his shirt, which is a blue plaid button-up today. But… the fabric does pull perfectly across his chest, and he has the sleeves shoved up his forearms, so… it works.
The girl Cade is glaring at clears her throat. “But if a particle still has energy and stays inside its system, doesn’t that mean it keeps its strength? Like… shouldn’t it stay stable as long as it’s trapped?”
Cade just stares back at her for a moment with tension in his jaw. And I shift my gaze to the slide behind him with a long, rippling line stretching across it that starts high, then fades. It keeps moving, but the shape drags lower the farther it runs, like it’s bleeding out as it goes.
“Sure,” Cade says. “If burning through everything you’ve got just to stay contained sounds stable to you.”
Her eyes flick back to the screen, then to her laptop, like she’s checking if she missed something. After a second, her shaky hand slowly lifts again, but Cade turns his back and walks to his laptop, clicking forward without a word.
I huff out a breath of laughter as she quickly lowers her hand and glances at her friend beside her with wide eyes.
I knew he’d cheer me up.
The next slide shows a similar line across the screen, but this one is lower. The shape still moves and follows the same path, but the lift is gone. It just drags along the bottom, like it’s trying to hold itself up and failing more the farther it goes.
Cade keeps his eyes on it for a moment in silence before he tears his gaze away from it.
“This is a system that still functions, and goes through the motions,” he says.
“It runs what it’s supposed to, follows the rules it was built on, and repeats the pattern it was given.
But movement doesn’t mean strength. It just means the collapse hasn’t finished yet. ”
Cade reaches for his travel mug on the desk and takes a long drink. And I see the slight wince on his face before he sets it down again. Like the drink inside that mug is not the warm, velvety liquid everyone thinks it is.
I let my gaze drag over him, taking in his messy light brown hair, looking like his hand has been run through it too many times. His eyes look tired, and the crease between his brows is deeper than usual.
There’s something different going on today, more than his usual hostility towards his students.
It almost looks like defeat.
“This wave will still complete the cycle, and tick through every step it’s supposed to.
But when all the height is gone, and there’s no rise left in it, the motion starts to mean less.
” He bites the inside of his cheek as he looks down at his mug again.
But he doesn’t reach for it. “It won’t build or push forward.
It will just continue as is, because that’s all it knows how to do in a bound state.
The amplitude might still carry forward, but it keeps losing height each time, until there’s nothing left to rise. ”
His gaze finds me, and my brows draw together as I take in the look in his eyes. And even from here, I can see it.
A silent plea for help.
He holds my gaze for a moment, then looks away, glancing out across the room like he just remembered he’s still in it.
“That’s it,” he says, so softly I almost don’t hear him. “Good luck on exams.”
The room is silent for a couple seconds, then the quiet sounds of murmurs and laptops closing fill the room. Curious and frightened eyes land on me as students begin making their way out of the room, but I don’t pay them any attention.
I watch Cade at the front of the room, leaning against the desk with his arms crossed, staring right back at me.
The door clicks shut behind the last student, and the room settles into silence. But I don’t move.
Each time we’ve been in this exact spot, I’ve gone to him.
This time, however, he needs to come to me. If that plea in his eyes means anything, he needs to set it into motion himself.
But Cade just continues to stare up at me, stubborn as ever.
God, I fucking love him.
“I’m not coming down there, baby,” I say, settling back into my seat. “And I have time.”
He rolls his eyes and pushes off the desk, heading up the stairs towards me. I watch him with each step, like the act alone is draining everything out of him and he’s slowly falling off, just like the wave on the screen behind him.
He drops into the seat beside me, but his eyes stay fixed straight ahead, glued to the screen as though the slide still has something left to say.
But it doesn’t.
I reach out and grab his face, turning it towards me with force. His eyes land on mine, and I stare into them as I hold him right where I need him.
But those beautiful dark blue eyes are completely empty.
I squeeze his jaw harder as I stare into his eyes, willing something to spark to life inside them. But nothing comes.
So I release him and lean back again, draping my arm across the back of his chair. “Talk.”
He glares at me for a moment before his gaze falls, like he doesn’t even have the energy to hold on to it.
“About fucking what?” he snaps, turning his head towards the front of the room.
Immediately, my hand snaps out to grab his jaw, forcing him to look at me again. “Don’t you fucking look away from me.”
And there it is.
It was subtle and fleeting… but I saw the flash deep in his gaze.
Burn for me, baby…
He lets me hold him here for a moment, before he reaches up and smacks my hand away with a heavy exhale. “Everyone needs to get off my fucking back.”
I lift an eyebrow. “Baby, the only place I want to be is on your back.”
He shoots me a glare and rolls his eyes, and I smile.
But the heaviness inside him once again bleeds out as he rubs a hand over his face with a sigh.
“Want me to take someone out?” I ask.
His head turns quickly towards me with his brows drawn together. “The fuck?”
I shrug. “This would go a whole lot easier, Doc, if you just told me what the fuck is going on.”
He tips his head back against the wall behind him with his eyes fixed on the ceiling. He’s quiet for a moment, and I wait.
“My department head met with me yesterday,” he says eventually. “With some heavy ultimatums.”
I nod, and just keep watching him.
“He doesn’t fucking get it,” Cade mutters, quietly.
“No one fucking gets it.” He exhales hard and shakes his head as though he’s quickly trying to move past that thought.
“And I need to go to Moncton this weekend. My brother is visiting with his wife and kids, and my parents want to make a whole weekend out of it. He’s been giving me a hard time, too. ”
“About?” I ask, even though it’s fucking obvious.
Cade’s jaw ticks as his eyes cut towards me.
But I just tilt my head and wait.
“He’s worried,” he mutters.
I nod again, letting my gaze drift towards the mug on the desk at the front of the room, then back to him. “And does he need to be?”
He shakes his head… but I notice the hesitation.
“No,” he says, with far less conviction than I think he meant to give.
Then he pulls in a breath. “I love him… and my parents. I want to see them, I just…” He closes his eyes and lets the air out of his lungs.
“I just can’t deal with all this shit. I just…
I don’t…” he trails off, like he’s searching for the right words.
I watch him as he quietly collapses, like the wave he was just talking about. Moving but trapped, stuck in a system that used to lift him up, but now just drags him under.
He’s tearing his life apart while everyone around him tries to piece it back together.
Meanwhile, I’m doing everything I can to hold mine up, while people line up to pull it down.
Different edges, same fucking blade.
“If it gets to be too much… just let me know. I’ll come take you away,” I say.
His eyes narrow with confusion. “And how exactly would I do that?”
I sigh, reaching into my pocket and pulling out my phone.
Cade stares at it for a long moment before looking back up at me. “What the fuck is that?”
I glance down at the scratched-up old flip phone in my hand, made of thick, grey plastic. “A fucking phone, what do you think it is?”
“A brick,” Cade mutters, flicking his gaze to it again.
“Fuck off.” I flip it open, then stare at the small screen and the buttons with numbers and letters. This is why I hate phones. Why are there letters… “So…” I press one of the buttons, and the number nine appears on the screen, “I think my number is in here somewhere…”
Cade huffs and reaches over, plucking the phone from my hand. I watch as he pulls his phone out of his pocket and effortlessly taps at icons on his screen, then presses letter-numbers on mine, until our phone numbers are saved in each other’s phones.
Then he snaps my phone shut and holds it out to me. “I’m the only contact in there, so… should be easy enough for you to find it.”
I grab the phone from his hand, narrowing my eyes at him. “Don’t you dare give my number to anyone else. Especially not Caz.”
His brow lifts, but he doesn’t say anything. He just shoves his phone back in his pocket, and stares at the sad wave again.
“I think I found the rat,” I say.
His head whips to look at me, and his eyes search mine as he waits for more.
I nod slowly. “And he’s going to be taken care of tonight.”
And that flicker from earlier reignites as his eyes widen.
I smile, leaning in to cup the side of his face with my hand and pull him closer. “Oh, baby… you’re a fucking force.” I lean in until my lips hover over his, close enough to smell the rum on his breath. “Get your stuff. You’re coming with me.”