Chapter 41
FORTY-ONE
I pick up splintered pieces of wood from the floor and toss them in the garbage bin as the sound of footsteps on broken glass fills the quiet space.
Caz moves around the room, uprighting chairs and setting things back in place one stiff movement at a time, while Maple keeps close to the wall, gently sweeping along the baseboard where the mugshots were hung.
Now, most of them lie on the floor in shattered frames.
She bends to pick one up, and I see Alder’s face in her hands staring back at her. I step closer as she stares down at it for a moment, and she looks like she’s going to either throw it against the wall or break down crying.
Or both.
“Fucking idiot,” she mumbles, then sniffs.
But she doesn’t let it go. She keeps it in her hands as she starts to gather the others, and I kneel to help her. Kurt, Trip, Rex, Mac, and everyone else stare out at us from shattered glass and wood pieces, which we shove aside so we can create a pile of the photos.
Maple takes one more look at Alder’s photo in her hands, of him against a concrete wall holding a placard with his name, and a string of numbers under it.
His eyes are bright and taunting, and his lips are lifted on one side, just enough to show that he enjoyed every second of whatever he did to end up there.
“I think the only reason we haven’t buried him yet is just dumb fucking luck,” she mutters as she places the photo on top of the pile with more care than I expected.
I watch the way she swallows thickly and sniffles again, like this is eating her up inside.
“There seems to be a lot of effort put into hating him,” I say softly.
Maple turns to look at me with glassy eyes. “You ever lose someone?” she asks.
I shake my head, and she presses her lips together with a sad nod.
“Welcome to the life, then.”
The door to the meeting room opens, and we both rise to our feet.
Alder leads the others out as his eyes sweep across the wreckage of the clubhouse. His jaw tightens, and a fierce determination seems to settle over him.
He turns to Mac. “Get everything sorted to leave tonight.”
Mac nods, and he, Dom, and Cory head out of the clubhouse.
Kurt gives Trip and Boot a nod. “Make sure all families are safe, and protection is in place before we go.”
As everyone takes off, Alder finally lets his eyes land on me.
He stands right where he is in the middle of the clubhouse as he holds my gaze, and something heavy hangs over him.
His eyes roam my face like he’s cataloguing my features and committing every piece of me to memory.
Like this might be the last time he sees me.
My heart thumps as I stare back at him, but I don’t move.
His gaze shifts to Maple for a moment as he seems to do the same to her, then looks back at me and tilts his head for me to come to him.
My feet start carrying me across the room before my mind can catch up, and he holds out a hand to pull me in when I reach him. He presses a kiss to the side of my head and holds it for a moment.
“I’ll take you home,” he says as he releases me.
As much as I’d rather stay, I nod. I know he has a lot to do, and I can feel the urgency in his touch and in every movement he makes.
And I can feel it in him the whole way to my house.
The tension seems to coil tighter inside him with each second that passes, from the moment he guides me out of the clubhouse to when he pulls into my driveway.
I reluctantly let go of him as I slip off the back of the bike, and the desperation in me seems to take over.
Like if I hold on a little tighter and a little longer… it might all be ok.
But as we step inside my house, and the door closes behind him, I know it won’t be.
He stands by the door, feet planted and shoulders tight, as he looks at me like whatever he’s about to do is going to hurt.
“I can’t be around you right now,” Alder says.
My heart drops, and my whole body goes still. “What?”
He draws a slow breath and releases it through his nose.
“The Sons are going to go after everything we love. They can’t know about you.
” He pauses as his eyes flick away from me.
“We have a plan to protect ourselves and our province. And there’s no guarantee it’s going to work.
” Then he slides his gaze back to meet mine. “I’m leaving for Newfoundland tonight.”
My mind whirls, and I can’t seem to grab onto any of the questions floating around in my head. “For how long?” I eventually ask, my voice sounding so far away it’s like it’s not even in the room with us.
Alder shrugs lightly. “However long it takes,” he says softly.
Silence stretches between us as I just stare back at him and think over everything that happened today. The sound of gunfire, the clubhouse falling apart, the way Alder fell over me and kept me shielded from it all…
I know the Kings need to respond. I know this is big and brutal.
But I don’t know why he’s leaving.
And I don’t know why this seems to cut deeper than anything else that happened today.
“Why?” I ask, but the question feels heavy and empty at the same time. Like I’m packing every question I’ve ever had about him, and us, into this one word, and hoping to find the answer.
Alder’s gaze drops to the floor between us. He stands silent for a moment, then shakes his head. “Everyone I love was going to be in that clubhouse. This could have gone so much worse.” He pulls a deep breath in and slowly lets it out. “I took you from something safe.”
I shake my head. “I wasn’t safe there either.”
His eyes fly up to meet mine. “You were.”
I sigh and lift my hand to rub my forehead, not sure how to tell him the only time I’ve ever felt understood and like myself is in his hands. That despite his life, and despite the violence, crime, and danger… It’s all I want. It’s all I need.
I’ve only ever felt safe with him.
“Do you realize how serious this is?” Alder’s voice cuts through my thoughts.
I drop my hand and look at him. He’s watching me with a furrowed brow, still standing by the doorway like he’s holding himself back from getting any closer.
“Of course I fucking do,” I snap. “I was there. I know what this means for you.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “I mean, do you realize you could have died today?”
I stare back at him and clench my jaw.
I do.
And that doesn’t scare me like I know it should.
Fear slid somewhere out of reach, buried by something louder. The gunshots ringing in my ears and Alder’s body pressed to mine felt more like a pulse than a threat. My own life felt like an afterthought, even though I knew I was close to losing it.
Something that should have pushed me away, pulled me closer. And his fear is now greater than mine.
“I’m afraid to leave you alone, Cade,” Alder continues. “I have to take care of my club. But I need to know you’re going to be ok.”
Tension rolls through my entire body as I sit with those words for a moment.
“You’re the only one who hasn’t done this…” I say slowly.
“What?” Alder asks, his eyes narrowing at me. “Care?”
I huff. “Treat me like a fragile person who is going to break if you so much as look at me wrong.”
I bite back the emotion welling up inside me as I keep my eyes on him. He’s the only one who has really seen and accepted me, and given me space to be what I am. And now… that’s all changing.
Alder holds my gaze for a moment before he slowly walks towards me, closing the distance between us.
He stops in front of me and looks deep into my eyes, like he’s looking for something.
Then he lifts his hand and slides his palm up my chest before he wraps his fingers around my throat and drives me back against the wall with a thud.
A grunt escapes me at the force, and his grip tightens on my throat as his gaze drills into mine.
“Do you care about me?” he asks in a low, rough voice.
My brow furrows as I stare back at him, and my hands twitch at my sides as I fight the urge to reach for him.
His grip tightens, and his chest rises with a deep breath.
“Because I fucking love you. You’re everything to me, Cade.
And I would burn this fucking world down to keep you safe.
” He leans closer, and his dark eyes bore into me with such intensity I feel it deep in my core.
“So if you care about me… you’ll care about yourself. ”
I wheeze as I try to pull a breath in, and a lump rises in my throat. But it’s not from his grip on me.
His gaze drops and lingers on my lips. “I need you to be here when I get back,” he says, his voice so low it’s almost a whisper.
Then he releases me, and I cough as the air rushes back into my lungs. I lift a hand to my throat as the blood returns to my skin, and my heart hammers like it just woke up.
He looks me in the eye one more time, showing me everything he has, and laying all his cards on the table. Then he turns and walks towards the door.
I watch him, frozen and unable to move as he opens the door and steps outside.
Something deep inside me is trying to claw its way out, growing more desperate as the distance between us increases. It’s trying to urge me to follow, call after him, stop him… and show him my cards too.
But it just presses against the wall that’s held me back for so long.
The sound of his motorcycle starting up rumbles through the walls… then fades into the distance.
And suddenly… everything crumbles.
I slide down the wall until I’m sitting on the floor, as grief, anger, and sadness crash over me. My head drops into my hands as tears break free, and my chest heaves under the weight of everything.
Because I’m alone.
And I don’t want to be.