Chapter 46
FORTY-SIX
The water laps at the base of the sandstone pillars as the tide rolls in, and I watch it slowly rise higher and higher. I’ve been here for a couple hours now, watching the water take over the ocean floor inch by inch, and now, it’s moved on to consume the rocks.
The last time I was here, I came to disappear. To shut out my family, to drown in rum, and to escape everything. Including myself.
But it didn’t work. It just hurt me more.
Now, as I watch the water rise, I think I’m starting to see it all differently.
Maybe the tide isn’t chipping away at the base of everything holding these rocks up.
And maybe this isn’t a force of destruction…
but a force of renewal. Every time the water rises, it covers another scar.
But it doesn’t erase it. It accepts it, reshapes it, and smooths out the jagged edges to create something new.
It isn’t tearing everything apart… It’s clearing space for something that isn’t built yet.
And this time, I’m not here to run away and tear myself apart.
I’m here to see my family and to be honest with them for probably the first time in my life.
A sudden nudge against my hand makes me flinch, and I glance down to find a golden retriever pressed in close to my side, tail wagging so hard its whole body is wiggling with it. Its bright eyes are locked on mine, and its tongue lolls to one side as if it’s grinning.
I look around, but there’s no one nearby. Just rocks, open air, and this dog staring at me like I’m supposed to know what comes next.
“Hey,” I murmur, lifting a hand to pet the dog’s head, and he leans into the touch like he’s starving for it.
“Oh my god,” a voice calls behind me. I turn to see a guy jogging toward us with a leash in one hand and a look of mild panic on his face.
“I’m sorry,” he says as he reaches us and clips the leash to the dog’s collar.
“He’s friendly to a fault. He doesn’t get much stranger love in Toronto, so he’s soaking it all up here. ”
I huff out a quiet laugh as the dog’s tail somehow picks up speed. He pants happily as his eyes flick between the two of us like he’s on the adventure of a lifetime.
“Doesn’t seem like a city dog,” I say.
The guy smiles. “He’s not built for elevators and sidewalks. Pretty sure living on a tiny island is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened to him.”
I quickly look him over, surprised to hear that.
He looks like a city boy, with his hair cut close at the sides and styled perfectly on top, with not a strand out of place, and a pair of designer sunglasses sitting on his head.
He’s wearing cuffed jeans, a soft grey hoodie, and low-cut sneakers that look way too clean for the red sand beaches of Prince Edward Island.
“PEI?” I ask.
He nods, and I arch an eyebrow at him.
“Toronto to PEI…” I say slowly with a shake of my head. “Quite the change. You sure you know what you’re getting yourself into?”
He laughs. “Well… I grew up there. So…” His smile falters, and I swear I see a bit of a wince. “I’m moving home.”
“You sound happy about that.”
He huffs. “No, I am. I just…” he pulls in a breath, absentmindedly patting the dog as he stares out at the water.
“It might not be the warmest homecoming.” He bites the inside of his cheek, then shrugs.
“So, I figured taking a small detour before the bridge to watch the tide for six hours was a good way to avoid the inevitable.”
I shift my eyes back to the water, watching as it slowly covers the jagged rocks.
Same.
But I know I can’t avoid my inevitable any longer.
I reach down and pat the dog's head as he nudges into me and starts his full-body wiggles again.
“Well,” I say, glancing back at the guy, “good luck.”
I start walking, but don’t get far before I hear him call out.
“Have a good one.”
I lift a hand in acknowledgment, though I don’t look back.
Not so sure about that.
I pull in a long breath and start towards my car. And once I’m in and driving to my parents’ house, I just about pull off and head the opposite direction a few times. But I need to do this. I want to do this… It’s just scary as fuck.
When I pull into the driveway and see Darren’s car, my anxiety spikes. I texted him yesterday after talking to Omar, and asked him to be here… and he said yes. But I wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d said no, or didn’t show.
And the fact that he’s here makes this feel so much more… real.
With a shaky breath, I get out of my car and start up the walkway towards the house.
Just as I reach the bottom step, the door opens, and Darren stares down at me.
And I can’t quite decipher the look he’s giving me.
It’s familiar and uncertain all at once…
like he’s happy to see me, but is also bracing for impact.
Fair.
“Hey,” I say as I reach the top step and stop before him.
“Hey,” he says as his eyes roam over me, and a faint crease forms between his brows.
And I know it’s because I look like shit. I saw the dark bags under my eyes, the overgrown stubble, and the mess of my hair in the mirror this morning. But I quickly looked away so I wouldn’t use it as an excuse to stay home.
But he doesn’t say a word. He just shifts aside, leaving space for me to pass him and enter the house.
The smell of coffee drifts from the kitchen as I make my way down the hall, and my chest tightens more with each step.
When I round the corner, Mom looks up from the counter, and Dad steps into the doorway from the living room. They both just look at me with worry etched into their features, and we all just stand here like no one knows what to do.
“Hi,” I manage, glancing between them.
Mom’s mouth tilts in a small, sad smile. “Hi, honey. Coffee?”
I shake my head and glance at the table. “Um… can we…” My hand makes a vague motion toward the chairs, and fuck, I’m not even able to get the words out to ask if we can sit. This isn’t going to go well…
“Yeah,” Dad says, moving towards the table and sharing a glance with Mom that’s loaded with concern.
I told them I was coming, but I didn’t tell them why. So I can just imagine what’s going through their heads right now. But whatever it is… I hate that I’ll either be confirming their fears or handing them something even heavier.
We all move to the table in silence and take a seat, and I keep my gaze cast down, away from theirs. I can’t look in their eyes full of worry and hurt while I admit to everything that I’ve done to cause that. I just need to get this out…
I draw a breath that trembles on the way in. “I…” I start, but immediately, emotion rushes to the surface. I try to swallow it down and twist my fingers under the table until my knuckles ache. “I—”
But I can’t do it. My voice is shaky and weak, and I’m trying everything I can to hold the tears back. But they’re fighting their way out, and winning.
So I let them.
I close my eyes and lean forward, letting my forehead rest on the table as a sob breaks free from my chest. Everything I’ve been holding in flows out of me, like it was always meant to rest here. Like it was all waiting for this moment, in this space, with these people. With my family.
The air leaves me in uneven bursts as my chest heaves, and the sobs keep coming.
A hand lands gently on my back, and I know it’s Darren.
He eases closer and curls his fingers around my shoulder to guide me upright.
Then he leans in and wraps his arms around me, and mine find their way around him.
I lean into his shoulder as I continue to cry, and he just holds me.
Everyone stays quiet as they let me do what I need to do and get it all out.
When the sobs slow and my breathing evens out, I slowly pull back from Darren and glance around the table.
Mom has her hands pressed over her mouth as tears slip down her cheeks, and Dad’s eyes are red and wet, and his lips are pressed together like he’s holding everything in for my sake. Their faces are a mix of worry, love, pain, and patience.
It’s always been there… but I see it now.
I blow out a shaky breath and wipe my eyes.
“I… I have a problem.” I glance at Darren and nod.
“You were right. I let myself get too deep. But it’s more than just depression…
” I lower my gaze again and sniff. “I need alcohol to get through every day. I need it to function. I drink to get through my lectures, I drink to fall asleep, I drink to try to feel something… anything.”
I hear Mom sniff, and Dad shifts in his seat.
“Everything just pisses me off. All the time,” I continue, looking down at my hands. “I can’t even stand being in my own skin, and I… I just feel numb, all the time.” I shake my head. “And I’ve treated you all like shit, and you don’t deserve it.”
“We just want to help you, Cade,” Mom says in a small, fragile voice, and more tears build in my eyes.
I look up to meet her watery eyes and nod. “I know. I know that now. Everyone’s been trying.”
Dad leans forward, tilting his head as he carefully observes me. “What do you need?”
I take a deep breath and blow it out, trying to find the strength to say these words. “I talked to my department head yesterday.” I shift in my seat and avoid everyone’s gaze. “He set me up with the university’s employee assistance program.”
My gaze slides to Darren again and he gives me a small nod, and a gentle smile.
“I have an intake appointment with a therapist and a substance use program next week,” I say quietly, as shame tries to roll in and take over.
Dad suddenly stands and walks over to me. Then he pulls me up against him in a hug. He holds me as my tears start flowing again, and I wrap my arms around him.
“I’m proud of you, Cade,” he says, and I hold him tighter.
It’s like we’re finally able to give each other everything I’ve denied us both, and I never want to let go. There’s a comfort in his hug that feels good, and I hang onto him a little longer, letting it seep into me and give me the strength I need.
When I finally step back, I wipe my eyes again with a sniff. “I just hope I can do it.”
“You will,” Dad says. “We’re going to help you.”
“Anything you need,” Darren adds. He watches me and waits until I sit again. “What about work?” he asks gently.
“I’m taking a modified-duties leave. I’ll have the summer and fall semesters off from coursework,” I say, already feeling the relief of that being off my shoulders right now. “I’ll be able to focus on my research and student supervision with some help.”
Darren smiles, and I can’t help but stare at him for a moment.
I don’t think I’ve seen a genuine smile from him in a while.
“I think that’ll be good for you,” he says. “Get back to things you love and find joy in. Recharge and fill your tank again.”
“Yeah,” I agree with a nod.
“And…” Mom says slowly, then she, Dad and Darren all share a glance.
I look between them and already know none of them wants to ask the question I’m sure they’ve all had since last weekend.
“Alder?” I ask.
Mom nods with wide eyes.
I let out a breath and shake my head. “I don’t need help with him. He’s the reason I’m here.” Then I shift my gaze to Darren. “He likes you.”
Darren cocks an eyebrow, and the corner of my lips tilts up in a small smile.
“And I think you’ll like him too,” I add.
Darren holds my gaze for a moment, and I can see the questions swirling behind his eyes. He’s wondering how this happened, how deep it runs, and what it means that the man I’m with wears a Basin Kings patch.
But he doesn’t ask any of them. He just lets a small smile form on his lips and nods.
“Then we need a proper introduction.”