Chapter 23
LINCOLN
Idid go home eventually and film some content.
After editing the new videos and my backlog, it was barely three in the afternoon, which meant everyone I wanted to spend time with was still busy at work.
Hunter would be wrapped up the entire day, and even though I very much wanted to spend every night with him, I didn’t want to come off as being clingy or possessive.
I’d stay home at least until the weekend, even if it killed me.
But he was at work and so were Smith and Silas, which left me to my own devices for the rest of the afternoon.
I started off by spending an irrational amount of time staring at Feeny to make sure he wasn’t going to die on me like Cassandra had done.
He seemed happy, at least as happy as a fish could, even though I did briefly feel bad about stealing him away from his fish friends just to bring him to my tiny apartment and leave him there all alone for hours on end.
“It wasn’t like he could talk to the other fish,” I assured myself, which only made me feel moderately better.
Flopping onto my bed, I covered my eyes with my forearm, trying my very best to not think about how small my apartment was or how much I missed sharing my space with Silas.
Was I so desperate all the time for human contact that I couldn’t even manage a handful of hours alone in my apartment?
Was there something wrong with me? The way my body craved connection…
No.
Nope.
The patron saint of pity parties was not going to fall down that rabbit hole again.
Instead, I forced myself out of bed and into the shower where I very stoically ignored my cock.
I freshened up in all the important ways, dug out some clean clothes, and got dressed.
I did stop to admire myself in the mirror, doing my best to see myself the way Hunter did.
Sliding my hands over my hips and then my stomach, I took in the flat planes of my muscles and the silver balls in my nipple piercings.
Higher, I dragged my hand up to my throat and tilted my head back, imagining it was Hunter’s fingers curling around my neck instead of my own.
Closing my eyes, I tried to imagine my hand wrapped around his throat, but I came up short.
It hadn’t been so terribly long ago that I had been very confident in my role as a dominant, and what had started as a little bit of curious exploration had, in fact, turned my entire life on its head.
It wasn’t like being with Hunter made me less dominant, but it did give me space to be more submissive, and I very much enjoyed the balance of that.
Putting him down onto his knees and calling him Daddy made me painfully hard, but knowing he was at work and I wouldn’t see him for days was enough incentive to change my train of thought to something else entirely.
I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and sent him a text.
I don’t want you to come until we’re together again.
Three dots appeared on the screen, disappeared, and reappeared.
Hunter
Are you asking?
Heat burned low in my belly as I typed out my reply.
I’m telling.
Then I’m telling you the same.
Fine.
Fine??
Did you want to try again?
Jesus Christ, this man was going to be the death of me.
Yes, Daddy.
I didn’t need to be in the same room as him to picture the pleasure washing over his face.
Hunter fucking loved when I called him Daddy.
It was an honorific I never expected to use with another person, but there were times with him when it felt like the only appropriate thing to call him.
I liked that he never asked for it, that he was never disappointed when I did or didn’t use it.
It meant so much that he accepted all the jagged parts of me, finding ways to make them fit into his life without a single complaint.
Sliding my phone back into my pocket, I tore myself away from the mirror and texted someone else. They were quick to respond, and five minutes later I had an address keyed into my GPS and I was on my way downtown.
I met Marshall Covington at a small coffee shop in the lobby level of his office.
He didn’t let me pay for my iced latte, because why would he, and he didn’t ask if I wanted to sit or if I wanted to walk.
Marshall found a small table on the sidewalk and waited for me to join him.
He was like his brother in that way, a quiet kind of unassuming dominance that overtook them both without feeling forced or unwelcome.
“Is everything all right, Lincoln?”
The question was absurd, all things considered, and I answered Marshall with a weak shrug.
“Has Hunter done something to hurt you?”
A laugh bubbled up out of me, and I chased it back down with a swig of iced coffee, shaking my head until my throat was clear enough for words.
“No, he hasn’t,” I said, then added. “He won’t.”
That answer seemed to be the right one, and Marshall looked pleased to hear it, leaning back in his seat and crossing one ankle over the top of his other knee.
“Did you need to spend more time with Silas?” he asked next, and that one felt much more like a loaded question because no, I was not adjusting well to their relationship and how it affected my relationship.
“I don’t think I would ever say no that,” I mumbled. “But I respect that he wants to spend time with you, so I won’t ask about it.”
“I’ll tell him,” Marshall said simply.
I scratched my upper lip and frowned. “That’s not why I texted you.”
A smile pulled at the corners of his mouth, and I almost hated how smug it made him look. He didn’t prompt me to continue, but the amusement in his face said it without him even needing to use the words.
“I’m just feeling very lost,” I finally told him, and all the earlier tease from his upturned mouth disappeared. Marshall leaned forward, setting his coffee on the table and bracing his elbows against his thighs.
“The same as before?” he asked.
I swallowed hard. Nodded.
I’d already confided my confusions to Marshall my wavering commitment to dominance and how that would impact me as a person.
I knew it sounded silly, but for a very long time I had clung to that identify like a security blanket, and losing it and Silas at the same time sometimes felt impossible to recover from.
“I don’t think I want to know what you and my brother do in the bedroom, but is he giving you space to explore that?”
“Yeah. Yes.” My cheeks burned with embarrassment. “I think where I’m at now is…”
He waited, not pressing me at all.
“I love him,” I admitted, a truth my best friend wasn’t even privy to yet. I threw a sideways glance up at Marshall, who didn’t look surprised in the least. In fact, he looked relieved. “When I’m with him everything is great, but when I’m not…”
“It feels more out of your control if you’re not there to oversee it constantly.”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Exactly.”
“Oversight isn’t love, Lincoln.” He pushed my coffee toward me, and I obediently took a drink. “It’s control. You don’t want to control Hunter, do you?”
“No. I mean…well…no.”
I very much wanted to control Hunter in all the ways I also wanted him to control me, but I was aware that wasn’t what Marshall meant with the ask.
“I know this is rich coming from me, considering I moved Silas in as soon as the opportunity presented itself, but that kind of thing will only strangle the fire out of a relationship. It won’t foster growth.”
I made a dismissive sound in the back of my throat. “I know that, and that’s not what I want. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself during the times we are apart. Until those voices quiet down.”
“What do the voices say?” he asked.
“That he’s too good for me.”
Marshall raised a brow and cocked his head to the side. “Maybe the other way around too.”
“I love that you think that, but your brother has his shit together. He just made partner and—”
Marshall sat up straight, eyes wide. “He what?”
I cursed under my breath. “I think he’s going to tell everyone on Friday. Please don’t ruin it.”
He settled back into his seat, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “I’m happy for him. He deserves that, and I won’t ruin it for either of you.”
Scratching the back of my head, I sighed, trying to remember my train of thought so I could get back into it. “So, he’s got his shit together, and I really do not.”
“How so?” Marshall pressed. “You have an apartment, a job, a pet.”
I smiled at the thought of Feeny swirling his way around his bowl on my dresser.
“I’m a sex worker.”
“Does Hunter care?”
“No.”
“Then how does that matter?” he asked.
“It just…”
“Does it matter to you?”
I bit the inside of my cheek, shrugging again even though we both knew the answer was yes. “I don’t want him to be ashamed or embarrassed about me.”
“Has he ever led you to believe that he is either of those things?”
“No,” I grumbled.
“So, it’s your own hangups then.”
“Marshall—”
He cut off my protest with a raised hand that brokered no argument, so I bit my lips between my teeth and stopped arguing.
“Do not manufacture problems that don’t exist.” He looked down at his watch and frowned. “I’m sorry, Lincoln. I have a call upstairs that I’ve got to take.”
“Yeah.” I forced a smile and stood up, grabbing my coffee. “I didn’t want to keep you. Thanks for the coffee.”
I tried to step away, but Marshall reached out, stopping before closing the space between us and curling his fingers around my wrist to prevent me from leaving. I looked up at him, feeling more lost than when I’d called him in the first place.
“The call will keep,” he said. “I’m not leaving until you feel better about whatever is going on up here.”
Marshall did let go of my wrist to tap his fingertips against my temple.
“I just want to be enough,” I whispered.
“Lincoln, let me tell you a couple of things that I know to be true, okay?”
I nodded again. Clearly it was the only response I was capable of.
“I’ve known Hunter for almost all of his life.
He’s the quietest of my brothers, but he is also the most loyal.
He is fiercely dedicated to the things and the people that matter to him, and if you’ve spent any time at all with him, then you know that to be true.
I’ve never met anyone who loves as hard and true as he does, and I’ve never met anyone who loves so infrequently. ”
Marshall paused, letting the intended effect wash over me. I’d heard him right the first time, but he stayed silent, and I took the end of his confession in a second time.
“My brother is sparing with his affection, Lincoln. And it’s because of that he is generous. You hear me?”
“Yeah. Yes.”
“If he loves you, you are worth it,” he said.
I blinked back a very unwelcome rush of tears, tilting my head back to stop them from sliding down my face.
“And Silas,” he went on, clearly unmoved by my thwarted display of emotion. “Silas loves everyone, and I love that about him, but he doesn’t love anyone the way he loves you.”
I scoffed.
“Not even me,” he said, and I rolled my eyes at that, finally letting one or two of the tears escape. “You can roll your eyes all you want at that, but you know it’s true. Silas cares for you in ways he’ll never care for me, and I love that for him. I love it for you.”
“Alright,” I mumbled, wiping my lash line.
“And if these two men, whom I hold in the highest regard, think you’re deserving of that, who are you to tell them otherwise? Who are you to tell someone I myself have grown rather fond of, that he shouldn’t trust the love that is so graciously and freely given to him?”
“Marshall, shut up.”
“The only person you need to prove you’re deserving of this to is yourself, Lincoln. No one else, least of all them.”
“Good talk, big guy.” I slapped my hand against the center of his chest, giving him a watery smile before taking a step back.
He waited and studied me, giving me a onceover that must have answered whatever question he had about my ability to make it through the rest of the day without having an emotional meltdown in the middle of the sidewalk.
“I love you, Lincoln,” he said, ruffling my hair and kissing the top of my head.
“I love you too,” I muttered, sliding my arms around Marshall’s waist and pressing my cheek against his sternum. He was so tall and so broad, and while I wasn’t attracted to him, I was very aware of the safety that came from being near him.
I cleared my throat and took a step back, still feeling the same kind of protection. Nodding, I smiled up at him as sincerely as my tears would allow.
“Thank you,” I told him.
“I didn’t do anything, Lincoln.” He took a step toward the building, glaring down once more at his watch. “But I am going to tell Silas to have dinner with you tonight, so you might as well be prepared for company.”
I nodded, taking a slurp of my coffee. “Yes, Marshall.”
The corner of his mouth quirked up, and he laughed softly, then shook his head and went back to work.