24. Atticus
Chapter twenty-four
I am exhausted and running on fumes. Yet, I push through and don’t complain to anyone because this is my burden. I will gladly take on all the burdens for my family; it feels like the least I can do. The pressure to help my family isn’t something that I take lightly. I will do everything in my power to protect and help them in any way I can. Maybe it’s guilt, along with gratitude, that makes me the way I am. I reflect on this in my spare time in the void as I wait for something to happen.
The guilt began long ago as the five-year-old boy who couldn’t save his mother. All I wanted from her all my life was to be loved by her. I wanted her to stop using drugs or maybe love me more than the drugs. Yet, she never did. I would accept the scraps of affection she would give me. I wouldn’t even cry out when she would leave me for days at a time, even though the pain from hunger and the loneliness would almost be overbearing. She always came home. Even though she returned, she was always strung out and stumbling when she arrived.
Along with her scoring drugs, she would give me food before passing out into oblivion. I would eat and snuggle beside her, pretending she loved holding me. One of those days, when I woke, the arm I pulled around me was cold and stiff. No amount of crying and begging would wake her. It didn’t stop me from trying over the next few days. If it hadn’t been for the smell and overdue rent, I believe I would have died with her.
Knox’s mother, Hadi, was the only person who showed up for me. She grew up with my mother. They were best friends. She was the only one who even bothered to show up when word got around about this little boy who was malnourished and terrified. Hadi looked at me, her face softening on me before she knelt beside the bed. Hadi told me I would come home with her. She held my little five-year-old hand and told me I would never be hungry again. Hadi didn’t complain when I couldn’t finish my food because my stomach wasn’t used to eating. She would only smile at me and reassure me before showing me where it would be when I got hungry again. The woman put a snack drawer in my room after she caught me hoarding food. I thought she would scream at me, but no. She only requested that the wrappers be thrown away and gave me a trash can in my room. She never wanted me to feel embarrassed by any part of it.
Hadi and her husband, Rain, took me in. They showed me love and how to deal with the fucked up shit that came with being me. Whatever happened to me in those first few years of life changed me. It changed how I looked at the world and interacted. Maybe that’s why I spend my time in the veil rather than in the living world. I would rather observe than be in the spotlight. They never wanted me to change, nor did they ever expect me to call them mom and dad, even though they legally adopted me. The only thing they wanted from me was for me to be the best version of myself, to hone my skills, and to flourish in this life. However, all I want to do is work and be in the Underworld of Hell’s Gate Casino.
I learned about my gift from living and being myself with my family. My kind calls me a Sin Eater, a form of incubus. Whoever fathered me was a powerful Demon fae. I do more than eat the dirty sins of others. I find the things nobody wants anyone to know about, and I’ll lock in on that while pulling that secret with me like an invisible string and weaving it into my web. They become stuck inside of it, and I am the spider. I wrap them up, and they cannot leave unless they let their secret out to see the light of day. That doesn’t happen. People go to their graves with their secrets, afraid of what will occur if they shed light on the secret. It feeds me. The person knew that someone knew their secret and all it entailed. They didn’t know who, which caused constant fear. Their fear feeds me because I hold the secret inside and consume the dark energy. People underestimate the power that a secret can hold.
Even though they never once made me feel like I was a burden, something in me can't help but feel like I owe them everything because I don’t know what would have become of me without them. I am lucky. I gained a brother and a sister. Then Leo joined Knox and me before bringing Gage into the fold. My guilt grew from there. How were we supposed to know the level of hatred that Leo and Gage’s parents had for us? If we did, then we would have stopped being stupid kids. That makes me snort a laugh like that was a possibility. We were kids, boys coming into our powers. We never thought they would send their son away.
Gage asked me to figure out what was happening and what his parents were planning, but not to do anything else, so I sat and waited. I spend most of my time watching from rooftops while also trying to see what is happening in Hell’s Gate and the Underworld. Then, when I can, I watch my new obsession. The obsession that makes me feel that I am betraying my family. Salem. I can still feel her throwing me against the wall. Fuck, I am so attuned to her. I don’t even mean to find her from the veil, but I am drawn to her. When I open my eyes half the time, I find myself where she is. This has never happened to me before. I didn’t mean for it all to happen, and I don’t know what it means.
I shake off those thoughts and concentrate on the task at hand. There are triggers that I have set all around Gage and Leo’s parents’ house for movement. My kind reminds me of a spider: any movements to webs, we feel. Now, I am watching from the veil, waiting for any news. This place feels wrong. Their parents have always felt off to me. They are full of secrets, enough to make my skin vibrate. I’ve never told Gage that, though. I let him live with that hope that his parents weren’t pieces of shit. This house’s vast number of wards shows how powerful they are. That means that I can’t enter that way. I get to watch from the windows or sit outside in the veil. It wasn’t ideal, but I will take what I can get.
Time moves slowly. There has been no movement for the last hour while I’ve been perching myself on top of the entryway roof, waiting. Even though I stay hidden away in the veil, undetectable, I still want to be even more invisible if possible. “He is gone!” Rebecca, Gage’s mother, screams. I peer over the roof and see her slamming the door behind her.
Her bare feet slap across the blacktop driveway as she frantically runs with her cell phone to her ear. Her body twists around, looking everywhere. “He escaped. They told me to administer the tranquilizer shot.” She cries, panic overtaking her. It smells delicious. “They said he would be out for hours! I swear I only went upstairs to answer a few emails. When I returned, he was gone, almost like he vanished.” She pauses whoever she speaks to on the other end while talking. “No! Of course, I don’t know where he would have gone. Sometimes, I think maybe it would have been better if he hadn’t returned.” Once more, she pauses. “Don’t you dare tell me to calm down! It’s your fault! This whole thing is your fault!” She stomps back into the house, leaving me with more questions than answers.