31. Gage
Chapter thirty-one
Fuck this week. It’s been hell, and I haven’t slept. After I left Salem, I found out Atticus had been looking for me. That's when I found out about my parents losing Leo the night before. There is so much that I don't know. I am so sick of being lied to by the people who are supposed to love me most in this world. I feel embarrassed about not knowing. The lack of trust hurts, and I am at the point where I don’t know what to believe.
When I contacted my parents, they acted like nothing was wrong. Anytime I ask them about Leo, they brush me off. They tell me that Leo is already at Fae’s Edge, yet there is no record of him being there. I had Atticus check. The security is a joke at Fae’s Edge. It kills me because I cannot act like anything is wrong. I don't want them to know that I know something is wrong. I have to find him before they do. It’s not that I don’t believe Atticus, but part of me wants to believe my parents.
It’s hard for me to pretend they care for Leo. When he became an inconvenience, they got rid of him. Every part of me has been trying to be good enough to earn their love and not be tossed away. They have done it to one kid, and I am all they have left. My mother likes to remind me of that constantly.
What is wrong with me? I am 21 years old and still need to hide who I am. Every move I make, I am scared that my family will cut me off. I am taking any tiny scraps of love and affection they hand me. All the while, I pretend it doesn't kill me.
Every part of me wants to belong, have love, be seen, and have someone think I am enough. I thought I had that with Salem. Since Salem has been gone, my skin has felt too tight and crawling simultaneously. When I last saw her, I thought maybe I could feel that peace and a bit of joy that I had when I left her. Every day I have been away from her, it's worsening.
Today has brought a new twist of a knife. I feel such anguish watching the girl that I am obsessed with locking eyes with her mate. My heart feels like it’s being shredded, and I can do nothing to stop it. Her mate is someone I love like a brother. I feel so sick that I’ve fallen for my best friend's mate. On top of it, I had sex with my friend’s mate. Not just sex, because that felt like so much more than sex. I connected on a level I didn’t know existed. Every part of me thought she belonged with me.
Now, I feel like a massive asshole because I can’t even be happy for them. My every thought is screaming, why not me? I suppose casters didn’t have mates like shifters, in that sense. If your magic hums around them, it’s the one. And my magic hummed, damnit! Every part of her pulled me to her. It feels like any happiness ran off as soon as she left my sight.
Now, I watch helplessly as Knox shifts and chases after her. She is even beautiful in beast mode. My body sways, as if standing is almost too much for me—aching, longing, and self-loathing. My ears ring as I swallow back the tears that try to escape. This empty rawness spreads throughout my body, and I must stand here and act like nothing's wrong. What kind of friend would I be if I wasn’t happy they found their person? I would be a monster. I am a monster. A monster that nobody wants.
Salem deserves the best, and Knox is one of the best people I know. He will keep her safe, even if she doesn’t need anyone to protect her. She would kick my ass for even thinking that. How am I supposed to act around them? Can I even be around them? At this moment, I know I can’t. I don’t even think I can be here at the Academy. The thought of seeing them together makes me brace myself on the table beside me.
I don’t even hear Atticus approach me. He taps me on the shoulder, and his head tilts, looking at me with concern. I know he can feel my emotions as if they are his own. His mouth is moving, but I can’t make out the words he is saying. The ringing in my ears kept me from focusing. Instead, I shake my head at him, and he steps back.
My fingers reach up to touch my neck, where Salem’s teeth marks from the first time she bit me are. They have left a scar. I have a cloaking spell over them because I wanted to discuss it with her. I’ve tried healing it, but it has been no use. It hasn’t even faded a little. I thought maybe it was a sign—something that said she claimed me, that I was special and hers. I’m not too proud to be claimed. All I felt was downright proud. I belonged, and I hoped she would be my family.
How wrong was I? I feel so stupid. Why did I think something like that could happen to me? Life isn’t a fairytale, and I don’t get to have a happily ever after with Salem. It’s time for me to accept that, but it hurts too bad to accept it right now. I feel like I am in mourning that I have lost a mate that never belonged to me. No, she belongs with Knox. I feel like I have betrayed him on a level I don’t think we will return from. Not only on his end, but mine as well.
My brother is missing. Now, I am going to lose Knox. How can I look at him? Knowing I have lost part of myself to his mate. Salem and I had mind-blowing sex a week ago. She is my every other thought lately when it isn’t on my brother. My grades are dropping, and I can’t focus.
Atticus moves, so he stands in front of me once more. “Are you okay, man?” Atticus just got done telling me my parents are using dogs to find Leo. That time is ticking against us. Now I know that if I don't find Leo, there isn't any stopping them from taking him to Fae's Edge.
My vision keeps going from the woods and now to Atticus. I know his loyalty to Knox. We are friends, but they grew up together and lived in the same house after his mother died. All I can do is shake my head. “I can’t.” It hurts to swallow as I try to make my mouth work properly. “I got to go.” I will move my legs as I back away from him.
He nods. “I’m here if you need me. Stick to the plan for finding Leo. Keep me updated.”
Atticus doesn’t pry into his friends, and I am thankful. I’m not even sure where I am supposed to go. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere right now. Home isn’t an option anymore. It feels like I have nobody to turn to. Maybe I will search for Leo because I need my brother.