Chapter 8
Chapter Eight
Adelaide
M y eyes instantly landed on Tristan as I stepped into the clubhouse, River close on my heels. Ignoring Tristan’s eyes boring into me, I turned away from him and strode behind the bar, heading into the kitchen to grab some cereal. My stomach was beginning to rumble, the morning sickness finally beginning to pass for the day.
“We need to talk,” Tristan spoke up quietly from near the doorway to the kitchen.
I stiffened instantly, my guard going up hard against him. I slowly set down the box of cereal onto the counter, suddenly losing my appetite.
I didn’t want to have this talk with him. I wasn’t ready. Even if he deserved this talk, it was too hard for me to rip him apart once again, and I knew I would have to. Shit between Tristan and I could never be simple and easy.
Because I wouldn’t be able to give him what he wanted. I never could, not after I got with Joey. And now that I was with River? It would never happen. River was it for me. I knew it. I could feel it deep in my bones.
River was the one Joey had told me about.
“There’s nothing to talk about, Tristan,” I told him coldly, keeping my gaze fixed on the countertop. I needed to be cold and void of emotion, or I would walk out of here, ripped apart just like he would be.
He gripped my shoulder and spun me around to face him, steadying me when I stumbled at the force he’d used. His dark eyes bore into mine with an intensity only he had ever been capable of having, and I swallowed thickly, my heart racing with nervousness at his proximity.
But those feelings that had once been there? They weren’t strong anymore, not like they used to be. I was no longer in love with him. I wasn’t sure if that knowledge gave me relief or fucking hurt me. This man used to be the center of my entire universe and now…
Now, there was nothing.
“Like hell we don’t have something to talk about,” he softly snarled down at me. “You left me, Adelaide. Not only that, but you fucked one of the men I trusted the most.” I flinched, knowing I deserved the cutting of his words. Deserving them didn’t make them hurt any less though. “Why the fuck did you do that? None of this shit has made sense to me.”
I ripped myself from his grip, my walls going back up hard against him as I let that familiar surge of rage rush through my veins. I had to be angry. If I wanted to get through this conversation with him, I needed to be furious and cold. I had to break his heart for the final time, get him to finally turn away from me, from what used to be between us.
“I left because you’re a fucking asshole, Tristan.” He closed his eyes, drawing in a deep, shuddering breath. My hands shook at my sides. “You ruined me four years ago when you dumped me on the night of my fucking birthday. I was still stupid enough to let you back into my heart a year ago, Tristan, but it only bit me in the ass because you refused to understand me. You were trapping me, tearing me down with every passing second. I couldn’t—fucking can’t— do this with you anymore. It’s only going to kill both of us in the end.”
“I fucking love you, Adelaide,” he snapped, his voice rising only slightly before he controlled it again.
I sucked in a sharp breath at his admission. That part of my heart that would always belong to him sliced open, bleeding inside of me. “You love the old me, Tristan,” I told him, pleading with him. “You’re in love with the eighteen-year-old girl who blushed at the slightest compliment, who needed your constant reassurance and comfort, who needed a hero from the life she was living.” I swallowed thickly. “You’re in love with the stupid girl that clung to your every word.” I shook my head, letting out a humorless laugh. “Newsflash, Tristan, I’m not that fucking girl anymore. I’m never going to be her again, and it’s time that you realized that. I don’t need a hero anymore. I’m saving myself.”
“I just want you , Adelaide. I don’t care who you are today. I just fucking want you ,” he breathed, gutting us both.
God, he was killing me .
Tears filled my eyes as my composure slipped. He frowned, stepping closer to me. “Tristan, it can’t happen,” I choked out, stepping out of his reach when he moved to pull me into his arms. “I’m not in love with you anymore, Tristan.” His expression fell, and pain filled his gorgeous features, pain that I put there because I was ripping his heart out of his chest. “I fell out of love with you when I realized that you were too controlling for me. I could never just be myself , Tristan. We clash way too much.”
“Addy baby, please,” he pleaded, his expression completely broken.
I sobbed, my heart breaking right along with his. I shook my head at him, a couple of tears trickling down my cheeks. He shakily reached up to wipe them away, and I let him, letting us have this one last, beautiful moment together before I destroyed both of us completely.
“I will always love you, Tristan, but I don’t love you enough to be with you anymore. I’m having a kid with River. Tristan, he makes me happy ,” I cried, a small, broken smile touching my lips as I thought about how alive River made me feel, how different River was from the other men I’d had in my life.
I looked up at Tristan again, reaching up to take his handsome face between my hands as I let my eyes meet his shattered ones. “You have to let me go, Tristan,” I begged him, my voice as broken as I felt. “If you love me as much as you say you do, you’ll let me go, and you’ll let me be truly happy for once in my life.”
He squeezed his eyes shut, swallowing hard as he nodded. I reached up on my tiptoes and gently pressed my lips to his cheek. “I will always love you, Tristan, but I can’t do this with you anymore,” I whispered before I stepped around him and moved out of the kitchen, silent tears sliding down my cheeks as I left that piece of my heart that would always belong to Tristan in that kitchen at his feet.
I wanted to drink. Fucking hell, I wanted to do nothing more than get absolutely shit-faced and trash some shit, something— anything —to get this pain out of my chest.
I wanted to fucking fight .
My hands were itching to destroy something. Somebody.
Joseph arched an eyebrow at me when I stepped into the garage. “Something got you worked up, girly?” he asked me, clearly concerned, but I didn’t want his concern. I wanted him to hate me as much as I hated myself because I was a fucked-up bitch with an ugly, dark soul.
I scowled at him. “Fucking call me ‘girly’ one more fucking time, and I’ll shove that wrench so far up your ass that you’ll be tasting steel for the rest of your life,” I snarled at him.
Eyes widening, he held his hands up in a defensive gesture, stepping back from me instantly. “Woah, chill. I was just joking, Adelaide. I’m sorry,” he apologized.
I barked out a laugh, slowly feeling my composure slipping. I was hanging on by a thread, and it was about to snap. And it was going to be ugly as fuck when it did.
“I’m so fucking sick of everyone,” I seethed. He eyed me warily. “I can’t get one goddamn moment of happiness before someone is trying to fucking slaughter it.”
I had been set on what I wanted. I had been secure in what I was doing with my life. I had been completely secure in my relationship with River. And then, Tristan had to corner me in the fucking kitchen.
I’d been slowly losing my grip on my sanity since then.
I hated it, but it was the kind of effect that Tristan had on me.
“Want to talk about it?” Joseph asked me a bit cautiously.
I snorted. “Do I want to fucking talk about it?” I raged, another humorless laugh escaping my lips. Tears burned in my eyes, but I forced them to stay back. I didn’t want to cry. Did I even have the right to cry? I’d gone behind Tristan’s back and slept with one of his own club members, and now, I had just ripped his heart out of his chest a second time.
Should I just have been selfless and stayed with him?
“The one man that I’ve loved just about my entire fucking life just made me not only rip out his heart but my own with it, and you want to ask me if I want to talk about it?!” I finally yelled, completely losing it. “I don’t even fucking know why he’s here ! I don’t fucking know why the fuck he had to show up!” I screamed, grabbing one of the toolboxes and shoving it to the ground, tears streaming down my face.
There was so much pain in my chest. I wanted it to go away. I didn’t want to feel like this over Tristan. I didn’t want to hurt anymore.
I was so, so tired of hurting.
Fuck, I just wanted to be happy and secure in what I was doing with River. Joey understood it, and what he and I had together ran even deeper than the shit with me and Tristan had. Why couldn’t Tristan just accept it and let me move on?
“I want to hate him,” I sobbed, tears running down my face. God, I was so fucking weak, and I hated it. Hated myself. “Why can’t I just fucking hate him?!” I screeched.
I threw another toolbox to the ground, a scream of rage slipping past my lips as I did so. Suddenly, strong, muscular arms wrapped around me, locking my arms against my side. River’s cologne surrounded me as he lifted me so my feet were no longer touching the ground.
“Fucking let me go!” I screamed at him, thrashing in his grip, but I knew it was useless. He would never let me do this to myself.
He stayed silent as I continued yelling and kicking, just wanting to destroy something. I needed to alleviate this ache in my chest. Instead, River just effortlessly carried me out of the garage and into the middle of the parking lot, where he finally set me on my feet, gently turning me to face him with a firm grip on my upper arms.
I glared up at him, my chest heaving with anger and sadness. “Who the fuck do you think you are—man-handling me like that?!” I shouted up at him.
Releasing me, he only shrugged at me as he slipped his hands into his pockets, keeping his cool, blue gaze focused on me. I stomped my foot, an enraged scream slipping past my lips as I thrust my hands through my long, dark hair, tugging harshly on the strands.
“Want to tell me what that was all about?” River calmly asked me.
“You can go fuck yourself right along with Tristan and Joseph and the rest of you asshole, biker mother fuckers,” I snarled at him, turning on my heel to storm away from him.
I was done talking about shit. I didn’t want to make the pain worse. I just wanted to do my damnest to ignore it and pray that it would go away on its own with some time.
River growled softly and gently gripped my upper arm, spinning me back around to face him. I glared up at him. “You’re not walking away from me in this state, darlin’, so until you tell me what’s going on, we’re going to be standing right here.” He shrugged again, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his dark jeans once more. “I can stand here all day,” he reminded me.
I defiantly crossed my arms over my chest, watching as his eyes flickered to my chest where my breasts had been pushed up. I deepened my glare. His heated gaze focused back on mine, and he only arched a single brow at me. But those eyes… they were soft and tender, just like they always were for me. I swallowed hard, the fight leaving me just that quickly. I sighed softly, my shoulders sagging in defeat.
“Tristan talked to me in the kitchen a little while ago,” I quietly informed River, my voice breaking.
River stepped up to me, placing his hands on my hips to draw me against him. I leaned into him, needing him to keep me grounded. The ache in my chest eased a little once I was surrounded by him. “Guessing by the mood you were just in, it wasn’t that great of a conversation.”
I shrugged. “It just forced me to relive some shit that I sure as fuck wasn’t trying to,” I informed him. “I wanted to leave my memories with Tristan buried deep down.” I sniffled, more tears falling from my eyes. “I’m so tired of hurting, River,” I told him, my voice cracking. “I just want to be happy. Why is that so hard?”
River gently cupped my face in his hands, tilting my head back to look up at him. He gently brushed some of my tears off of my cheeks. “Got to face the rough shit before you can obtain the happiness you want so much,” he told me gently.
I sighed, my bottom lip trembling. “River, will it ever stop hurting so much every time that I look at him, knowing the pain I’ve caused him?” I asked. He frowned at me. “I feel so selfish for wanting to stop hurting, but he just—I just—” I hiccupped.
“ Easy ,” River soothed. He leaned down and lightly brushed his lips with mine. I sighed into the kiss, that ache easing even more with his lips on mine. “It hurts, but it means you’re alive , darlin’. It means you’re doing the one thing I always want you to do.”
“Live for you,” I croaked, my eyes running over his face as he pulled back from me.
He nodded, those beautiful, mesmerizing eyes locking with mine. “I will be here to soothe all of those heartaches. I know you love him, just as I know you love Joey. And they hold pieces of you that I’ll never be able to claim. I’m okay with that just as long as you continue to live for me, darlin’.”
I nodded. “Just stay with me,” I begged him, my bottom lip trembling as more tears slid down my cheeks. I didn’t know if I would ever survive losing him.
“For as long as you’ll have me,” he swore, just as he always did.
Then, he drew me into his arms, holding me as I finally allowed myself to fall apart, sobbing and crying into his chest.