Chapter 2
CHAPTER 2
JORDAN
A year. Keenan’s been gone a year, and I told myself I’d buried this—buried him. But seeing Hanna here, reading this letter, it’s all rushing back. The ache in my chest tightens as I read the instructions again. I can hear his voice speaking the words like he’s here with us. I want the people I love most to take me to the places I love most. How could I say no to a request like that? There’s no way I could say no to Hanna, anyway.
We’ve finished dinner. Or rather, I ate, and Hanna mostly pushed her food around. She shifts in her chair, and I lift my eyes to meet hers. She’s watching me, her hands curled around a mug of tea. There’s something in her expression—hesitation, maybe? Or guilt?
“He put a lot of thought into this,” I say, more to myself than her.
She nods slowly. “Keenan was always a planner.”
I nod, swallowing the lump that rises in my throat. “Yeah. He was.”
Hanna sits stiffly across from me. Her knuckles are pale against the ceramic, and I wonder if the tea is helping or if she’s holding the mug as a way to keep her hands busy.
She nods at the fireplace mantel. “Keenan always talked about that day,” she says, her eyes fixed on a photo of the three of us. “It’s nice to see you still have it on display.”
I loved that day, too.
I clear my throat, pushing my emotions down. “This picture is important to me. My two favorite people in the world.”
The photo is of the three of us, the day we met. Keenan’s arm is slung around my shoulders, his grin wide and filled with pure happiness. Hanna is laughing at something, and Keenan is looking at her. I wasn’t the only one who fell in love that day.
She nods. “It was so random. If I hadn’t gotten lost, we would never have met. I can’t even imagine what my life would have been like otherwise. Keenan always said it was fate that made me get lost and find you two.”
Something in my chest twists as her mouth twitches into a faint smile. I remember that day so clearly. How she turned and smiled, and even before she said anything, I instantly fell in love with her. One moment, I was hiking and shooting the shit with my best friend, and the next, an angel appeared before my eyes, and I knew I’d never meet another woman like her. She’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever known.
I lean back in my chair, forcing myself to hold her gaze. Her bright blue eyes always seem to see straight into my soul. Does she understand how much I’ve carried a torch for her?
“I remember that day,” I say, keeping my tone light even as my grip tightens on the edge of the table. “Keenan asked you out after we finished the hike.”
Her laugh is soft, almost self-conscious, catching me off guard.
“I think he was worried you might beat him to it,” she says, the corners of her mouth lifting into something almost playful.
I shrug, leaning back further and forcing my hands to relax. “He never hesitated about going after what he wanted.” Even when he knew I wanted the same woman.
Hanna tilts her head, studying me for a second before nodding. “Yeah. He was driven like that.”
“So,” I cough, uncomfortable at how awkward this all feels. I love Hanna, but reconciling that love and the loss of Keenan has me in knots. “About these letters. If this is what Keenan wanted, we’ll do it.” My voice is even, but I clear my throat anyway, covering emotions that threaten to choke me. “But it won’t be easy. For either of us.”
Hanna nods. Her hands are visibly trembling now, but her expression is determined. Her face is downcast, and I can’t look away. She’s always been like this, even in grief—vulnerable and unshakably strong at the same time. Stronger than I am.
And here I am, still torn between guilt and wanting her. This isn’t about you. Don’t make it about you. Focus.
“I know it won’t be easy,” Hanna says, breaking the silence. “I just need it to feel… right. Like I’m doing something for him. Like I’m not—” She stops and shakes her head.
“You’re not,” I reassure her quickly, the conviction in my tone surprising even me. “You’re honoring him and his wishes. We both will be.”
Her eyes flicker up to meet mine, and I think I see relief there. Or maybe I’m just hoping for it.
She nods, and we fall silent.
“You’re quiet,” she says suddenly.
“Just thinking,” I reply, forcing the words out evenly.
“About what?”
I hesitate. I could lie. Tell her I’m thinking about the logistics of the trip, or Keenan, or anything else. But none of it would be true. I can’t stop thinking about her. “About what we need to do.”
“Jordan…” Her voice trails off.
When I look up, she’s watching me with an expression I can’t quite read. “What?” I ask, trying to keep my tone light.
She hesitates, then shakes her head. “Nothing. I just…I don’t know how you do this.”
“Do what?”
“Stay so steady,” she says softly. “It feels like the ground’s been shifting under me for a year, and you’re…solid.”
I swallow hard, the weight of her words hitting me in a way I didn’t expect. “I’m not as okay as you think.”
Her eyes stay on mine, and I consider confiding in her about how hard it’s been, how much I’ve missed my best friend, how much I’ve missed her. I like the guys I work with up here on Silver Pine Ridge, but it’s not the same kind of bond. Keenan and I grew up together. We served in the Army together. That bond can’t be replicated.
“We can head out after lunch tomorrow. I’ve got a meeting with the other men up here in the morning. We’re working on some projects, and I need to tell them about our trip.”
“Can you take off like that?” Hanna asks, finishing her tea and putting the mug on the table.
“Well.” I exhale. “Not normally. But my buddy Cody owes me a favor. I don’t think anyone will object when I tell them why I need time. They know what Keenan meant to me.”
How the hell am I supposed to survive this trip?
In the morning, I hike to The Lodge for Jax’s weekly update meeting. The Lodge is Jax’s—and now his fiancée Leesa’s—home, where we hold all our meetings. We used to check in every month or so, but with the additional work we’ve been doing, we had to switch to a weekly schedule.
“The third cabin for Ghost Security is almost complete. Jordan and I expect to be finished before the end of the month.” Ace says, looking at me.
Jax looks at Ace and me, nodding as he strokes his beard. “Good work, you two. That one should be the last for now, but getting a straight answer out of those men is difficult, so we’ll see. Next, we have more work coming our way through Waylon and his team, in addition to the safe houses we’re building. Waylon floated the idea of a survival program for kids.”
“I like that,” Cody interrupts. “My father taught me how to track when he took me hunting. I’ll volunteer for that project. Those are solid skills for anyone—especially children—to learn.”
Waylon strokes his beard and chuckles. “Well, that was easy. I thought that, especially with children, the project would be a hard sell.”
“Nah, man. I’ll do it.” Cody affirms. “And if Ace keeps drinking the last of the beer and not replacing it, I’ll make him join me with the kids.”
Ace stiffens and glares at Cody. “Hold on there. You know I don’t like children.”
Everyone laughs as Ace glares at everyone in turn. Ace is different from us because he’s the only one of us who wasn’t an Army man and he’s the easiest target when we’re all bullshitting. Why Jax invited a SEAL up here is something I don’t understand, but rumor is letting Ace join our community was a favor to a friend. The man can be a joker, but he’s there when you need him.
“And yet you chase Andrea around like you want to fill her belly with babies…” Cody teases and everyone nods their agreement. Ace quiets, but doesn’t say this isn’t true.
Jax’s face reddens in anger and he slams his hand on the table to interrupt all the laughter. “You touch my sister and you’re going to find yourself at the bottom of a ravine,” Jax threatens.
Ace and Andrea have been making eyes at each other for a couple years now, but nothing has happened. The consensus is that Jax has convinced Ace about his imminent demise if he goes after Andrea, but I suspect Andrea has been holding back, too. Ace has a reputation as a ladies man…though all I’ve ever seen him do is flirt and tease women, not actually bring them back after a night out. It’s none of my business, though. Ace and Andrea can both do what they want.
“Next up,” Jax says, pushing forward. “Waylon is talking about having a lumberjack come up for the summer. This is still in the planning stages, so I’ll share more when and if this is finalized.”
Everyone is quiet as Jax flips through the small notebook, his finger running down the page like he’s checking off a list. “That about wraps everything up for today. Anyone have anything else?”
“Actually,” I say. “I do. I need to take a few days, maybe a week off. I asked Cody to cover for me, and he said he’d do it.”
“If you’re covered, I don’t have any objections,” Jax says, giving me a long look and crossing his arms over his chest. “How come this is the first I’m hearing of this?”
I can tell Jax isn’t mad, but his voice holds a tightness that betrays his frustration at not having been given more notice.
“I apologize. Hanna, Keenan’s widow, arrived yesterday. I knew she might be coming, but not when or if it was certain. She wants me to join her in spreading Keenan’s ashes. She gave me a letter from Keenan,” I say, my voice tight. I bunch my fists beneath the table, struggling to keep my emotions in check. “This is what he wanted.”
The table goes silent. They don’t know a lot about my friendship with Keenan, but they know we were close and served together and that he died last year. A couple of them know that Keenan tried to convince me to do another deployment with him, but I was ready for civilian life and mustered out. Would he still be alive if I’d said yes, or would we both be dead?
“Of course,” Jax says, his annoyance completely gone. “Be there for your friend. If you need anything, we’re here for you.” His voice is gruff, but I know he understands. All of us served this great country and we’ve all lost buddies.
“I appreciate it.”