Chapter 21 #2
With a soft nod of agreement, Maverick silently encourages me to continue.
And I think with a wry smile, it’s too late to turn back now.
I shudder and close my eyes. It’s like a movie playing in my head, the memory of Rory as he Turned, and the look of hunger twisting his unfamiliar features as he fought becoming a monster.
My screams for help, and the way Mom came up from the basement, carrying the laundry, both of us unprepared for a fucking lurker in the house—
“I was home on New Year’s,” I begin, my voice shaky and quiet.
I’ve never told anyone except for Jack and Hallie what happened that day—and Hallie, of course, told Chase—but that’s it.
It’s my biggest secret, one I’ve tried so hard to forget…
that I’ve done too many questionable things to protect…
and here I am, spilling it all out to someone I’ve only known for a few short weeks.
“I was home the first day of the Turning,” I start again, “just me and my mom. Rory was at the firehouse. Jack was on the truck, like always. Hallie spent the night at Chase’s house. She missed the worst of it. She wasn’t there to see—”
My voice cracks, raw emotion already bubbling up inside of me. This isn’t a good idea. It hasn’t been long enough, and thinking about Hallie just makes it worse.
And then Maverick reaches over and places his hand securely on top of mine—and the words start flowing out of me.
About how I was just sitting there when Rory popped in, telling us about the reports of people going crazy.
Hostiles. Cannibals. Reports of humans eating other humans…
he came to make sure Mom and I were alright.
Only we weren’t because that’s when Rory Turned.
It was me or Mom. I don’t know why he grabbed her first. I screamed for her to run when I realized something was wrong, I told Rory “no”, but he was too far gone.
He had her, and he… he started to eat her.
“I had to do it,” I blurt out suddenly. It’s like I’m trying to convince myself more than Maverick.
“I grabbed a steak knife from the sink and I stabbed him. I didn’t mean to kill him, I just wanted him to stop biting Mom…
but he wouldn’t and I kept stabbing and stabbing and stabbing until they were both dead. ”
Maverick pulls away from me, stunned. At first I think it’s because of what I said and, horrified that the truth made him react that way, I push on the ground to get to my feet.
But Maverick grabs my hand again, yanking on it. I’m not prepared for the sudden tug and my legs fold beneath me so quickly that I nearly land in his lap.
“Maverick, I—”
“Don’t go,” he says firmly. “I’m so sorry, Xandra. I shouldn’t have asked—”
“No,” I reply, cutting him off. In a way, I feel a tiny bit better. I’ve carried the truth around with me for more than nine months, and to tell someone who isn’t judging me, who knows what the world is really like now, it’s as though someone managed to pull the venom from a festering wound.
It hurts, sure, but nowhere near as much as if it was left behind.
And, suddenly, I know I have to finish the story.
“You asked me, and it’s all true: I killed my own brother.
I held the mangled remains of my mother as she died.
It was like I was in a trance,” I confess.
“I left the bodies in the kitchen, then locked the doors because I didn’t know then that that wouldn’t do shit to stop a lurker.
I sat in the living room and waited for someone…
Jack or Hallie… to come home. I kept that bloody knife by my side until we learned what fire can do.
When Hallie finally let herself into the house, she found me sitting by myself on the couch. ”
I realize how cold that sounds, but it’s the truth. I wish it wasn’t, and I don’t know why I’m telling him all this.
But I can’t stop.
“I was shaking,” I add, shaking now like I did then.
“In shock, I guess, but Hallie thought I was cold. Rory had his jacket hanging on the back of the chair, and my twin wrapped me up in it. I remember her asking if I was okay, she said the news said to stay home, to stay safe, so Chase dropped her off. She asked me about Mom and Rory… I couldn’t tell her what happened.
Fuck, I couldn’t talk at all. I only pointed toward the kitchen.
Hallie found the bodies. She covered them up.
Together, we waited for Jack to come home to figure out what to do with them. ”
We needed our dad. While he was on the fire truck, saving Madison, Hallie and I clung together and cried for our brother and our mom.
I exhale roughly.
There. That’s all of it. I wait for him to say something else, and then he does.
“I was married.”
Okay. Not what I was expecting.
But it’s a bombshell all the same.
My eyes immediately dart to his left hand, to the bare ring finger I know is there. It’s one of the first things I’ve always noticed about a stranger. I would’ve noticed a wedding band by now.
But there isn’t one. In the nine months since my mom died, Jack has refused to remove his band. Most of the survivors in the Grave responded to the Turning and the loss of their loved ones the same way. Why hasn’t Maverick?
Where is his ring?
Where is his wife?
There’s something else, too. I turn and gaze at his profile, silhouetted by shadows in the firelight.
His head is bowed, lost in thought. Though I never asked and didn’t know until he and Chase had the discussion about their ages, it was always clear that he’s older than I am.
He was a cop in the before times, and for a while, too.
Why didn’t I think that there were other things he experienced before the Turning?
I don’t know what to say. I make a non-committal noise in the back of my throat, one of interest and surprise. It’s the best I can do.
“Her name was Lindsay. We were married almost fifteen years.” Maverick pauses. His words are short. Clipped. I can tell that he’s unsure how to say any of this—but he feels he owes me. “Would’ve been fifteen in April.”
Though I know better to ask, I can’t help myself. “What happened to her?”
“I did.”
Like usual, Maverick’s gun is resting in his lap. He picks it up, trying to hand it to me, but I don’t take it. In the back of my mind, I remember how he said it’s been his only constant since the Turning.
Suddenly, I know exactly what happened.
“I shot my wife with this gun.” As if the metal is sizzling hot, he takes it gingerly by the tips of his fingers and lays it by his feet. “I came home right after she Turned. Can you even imagine walking in on that?”
I don’t respond to his whispered question. After my tale, we both know the answer to that.
“Did she… did she try to bite you?”
Did she try to eat you?
Maverick’s voice is hollow. Like I did, he’s reliving his past. Remembering.
Hating himself.
“No time. I came home, searching for Lindsay. She hadn’t answered her phone.
I tore into the house… I found her in the kitchen.
She was already covered in blood, her eyes black, her teeth…
she ate our dog. All that was left was the collar…
and I knew that my wife was gone. She was one of them.
She came at me and I… I emptied my entire revolver into her chest.”
I close my eyes, but that doesn’t stop me from seeing Maverick pulling the trigger, blowing away a faceless woman while wearing the same stoic expression he’s had on since I first left the Grave with him.
“I insisted she get the Injection,” he whispers harshly.
I peek open my eyes. He’s glaring at his gun.
“She was a scientist, but she was afraid of needles. I told her it was just a little prick and then she’d be set…
and she listened to me. It’s my fault. Because of what I asked her to do, I had to empty my revolver into the only woman I’ve ever loved.
I watched my wife Turn, then die right before my eyes. ”
Suddenly, I understand his fixation with that gun, and why he hesitated when Darryl demanded it. He doesn’t need to wear a wedding band to remember his wife—as I once thought, just like what Rory’s jacket is to me, Maverick’s gun is a reminder.
The burnished piece of metal won’t ever let him forget what he’s lost. He must’ve reloaded it after, but then the world went to shit and maybe that was the last of the ammo he got his hands on.
But he remembers. The horrors of those days… none of us will ever forget.
You don’t say I’m sorry. The best we can do is share our stories and let each other know we’re not alone.
Which is why, before I can stop myself, I lean up against Maverick. He stiffens for a heartbeat before relaxing and wrapping his arm around my shoulder.
I smile sadly to myself. Tonight, at least, we don’t have to be alone.
You like him, Maverick accused me earlier.
And I do. I do like Chase. But, with a little flutter of my heavy heart, I realize that doesn’t mean anything at the end of the world.
It’s too dangerous.
Maverick and his lost wife are proof of that.
Rory.
Nina.
Hallie…
So, yeah. I like Chase.
But that’s not enough.