Chapter 31
Iwish I could say that Chase has a magic dick. That he fucked me back into being Hallie Holden, and now all of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions belong to the twin who really survived.
If only.
My sister’s death obviously broke me. Whatever the Doctor did to me only made it worse. I know who I am now, but what does that mean? I still feel like Xandra. I feel strong and determined and ready to kick lurker ass.
But, at the same time, I am Hallie. Because only Hallie would curl up against Chase Knight, snuggling against his side, feel the satisfied rumble of a man who just fucked the love of his life against the wall before tugging her onto a tiny twin-sized bed with him…
only Hallie would hear his heart beat through his chest and know with one hundred percent certainty that it’s only ever beaten for her.
Chase…
Ever since the accident, he was so sure I was Hallie. From the early days, demanding I give her back to him, to all the near slips… calling me by that name, calling me Holden before accidentally murmuring “baby”... I thought he was just trying to turn me into the Holden sister that he lost.
No.
He was trying everything he could to convince me that I’m the one he couldn’t bear to lose.
I lay my hands on his chest, teasing his nipple through his t-shirt now that we’re both completely dressed again.
My whole life, Chase has been my only lover; I’m the same for him.
From the moment we gave each other our virginities when we were seventeen, I’ve slept with him countless times.
He can be leisurely and slow or demanding and quick depending on how bad he needs me.
He was coming within minutes. It’s a miracle that he reached between us, getting me off first before he exploded inside of me, but there was pure desperation in every kiss, in every touch, in every thrust until he was panting my name over and over again as he finished.
That was all due to the torturous three months of having his fiancé close, but unable to touch her without her threatening to chop off his fingers.
He must’ve thought I was coming back to him the one time my body recognized him as mine even though my mind didn’t.
That night on the couch… I fucked my own fiancé, then tortured myself over it for ages because I thought he was Hallie’s.
He is.
He always has been.
And not even being trapped in a cell in the basement of a rogue government agency will stop him from claiming me as his wife.
A tiny grin tugs on my lips. It’s not even funny, but I just changed my mind.
When I though that I wasn’t Chase’s wife yet because we never had a wedding…
hell. The broken cuffs still on our wrists should’ve been a clue.
In the eyes of East Jersey, I belong to Chase.
I finally consummated that jailhouse wedding they insisted happened after Chase bartered his antidote for my hand.
He’s my husband. At the very least, if we don’t get out of here in one piece together, I can die knowing that he’s always been mine, too.
It’s a morbid thought, and one that Xandra definitely would’ve had. Shit. It’s going to take some time for me to get back in my own head, and I only hope that—as brutal as the Doctor’s treatment was—it works. That I remember who I am.
If not, I have Chase to remind me.
I trace a path between his pecs before circling the spot where his heart is with my newly healed finger. No more break, no more cuts from the glass vial… “How long did you know?”
“Hmm?”
He’s always been the type of lover to get lazy and dozy and content after he comes. I remember that, too.
That’s not going to stop me, though. “About me, baby. How long did you know about me?”
He goes still beneath my questing finger.
At first, he’s doesn’t answer me. His hand caresses the back of my upper arm, fingertips skipping lightly over my burn.
While we didn’t undress completely for sex, I did shed Rory’s jacket.
It’s currently on the floor, leaving Chase to touch my ruined skin gently.
And then—
“Did Jack ever tell you what happened that night?”
He doesn’t have to say what night. I know what he means.
“Not really. Just that the firebomb reacted when it found a gas leak. There was a backdraft and it went straight at me and my sister. Only one of us made it. Someone found us, bringing me all the way to St. Matthew’s to see if I could be saved. ”
And it hits me. Something I should’ve figured out a long, long time ago…
“It was you. Wasn’t it? You saved me.”
Chase squeezes me closer to him. “I’m so sorry, Hallie.
The explosion hit when me and Kev were scouting two streets over.
I ran, but Xandra… she got a full blast of it.
There was no way she would make it… she was already gone.
There was ash, and you… you were unconscious in the street, your arm already blistering from the shot of fire you got.
” He leans in, pressing a kiss to the side of my hair.
“I couldn’t help her, but I had to save you.
I covered you with that jacket Xandra always wore and I picked you up.
Kevin stayed behind to watch for any lurkers while I got you out of there.
I carried you all the way to St. Matthew’s.
You never stirred once.” His voice breaks. “I thought you were dead.”
“I never died,” I whisper. “I should have. Xandra was the strong one. She killed the lurkers. She wasn’t supposed to die.”
His voice breaks.
My heart shatters.
In an instant, I begin to tremble against him. The sobs I’ve been holding in for close to three months burst free of me like a torrent.
I guess, since I spent all of that time living as if I was my twin, I never got the chance to mourn Xandra—and with the sudden realization that she’s dead, I’m not, and Chase was the one to find us after the accident… I sob.
When Chase pulls me on top of him, no lust, just support as he lets me cry, I think it finally starts to sink in.
Once again, there’s no turning back now.
The pretense is over. Everything makes so much more sense now.
Why I woke up and couldn’t deny my attraction to Chase and why, no matter how far I pushed him away, he never got too far.
Why Jack called me “Allie”—so close to “Hallie”—before refusing to let me go after lurkers on my own.
Why I could sense the monsters approaching once I did, and why I felt so terribly guilty after killing that youngling.
I’m not Alexandra Holden. I’m Hallie Holden—but what does that mean anymore?
Chase rests his chin on the top of my head, holding me close. I don’t pull away, though the last three months are a hard habit to break. Deep down, I still feel like this is wrong. Chase belongs to a Hallie that doesn’t exist anymore.
I love him. I do.
But I’m not sure that can be enough.
Not like I tell him that. And when he starts murmuring against my hair, I just let him.
“I love you, baby. I love you so fucking much. They can’t keep us here. We’ll take the trip to the Grave… we’ll go home to Jack… and we’ll get married at St. Matthew’s. No more waiting. We get married, okay?”
“We already are,” I whisper.
He pauses. “East Jersey?”
I nod.
“Hell yeah, we’re married. You’re my wife. I told you, baby. It’s you and me. Hallie and Chase. We’ll get out of this. You’ll see. Together, there isn’t anything we can’t do.”
He sounds so sure. Damn it. My heart breaks all over again.
I just got him back, but how long will it last?
The Doctor is another monster. He tore me apart, ripping open my psyche, making me remember who I’m supposed to be—and he did it because I insisted I was Alexandra Holden and my vitals said I wasn’t.
Chase’s showed that he’d been bitten by a lurker. They want to reverse the antidote.
They want to take him from me.
Xandra would’ve been strong enough to stop them.
I’m not sure that Hallie is.
I want to believe him. I want to think that there’s some way out of this, that love and determination is enough—
—and that’s when the white door opens and Maverick is shoved back into the cell.
He stumbles, head bowed. His body nearly drops. Catching himself in time, he plants his palms on his knees, taking in big gulps of air as though he’s starved for it.
I push up. Chase hesitates for a moment, wanting me to cling to him, but as I say Maverick’s name softly, he knows better than to let his jealousy shine through at this moment.
Maverick doesn’t respond.
I shift on the bed. “James?”
His head jerks up, and I see his eyes.
His eyes—
I don’t know what the Doctor did to him when they took him from our cell. But, now that he’s returned to the cell, there’s no denying that they changed him, too.
Because his eyes?
They’re completely black.
The cell smells of sex. Even without his increased sense of smell—if a failed lurker has one—he wouldn’t be able to mistake it for anything else.
Throw in our rumpled clothing and the state of the formerly pristine sheets after we got done and sprawled out on one of the cots and… yeah.
I wait for Maverick to point out that something’s different about Chase and me.
I wait for Chase to ask what the hell is going on with Mav’s eyes.
I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten what the technician said about Maverick having taken the Injection before the Turning, but getting laid seems to have put Chase in a good mood.
Instead of going after Maverick, he just wrapped his arms around me, keeping me right next to him as Maverick slumped down on the other cot.
I want to tell him what happened to me. I want to let him know that I’m Hallie. At the same time, I look back on some of our interactions and I have to wonder if Mav… if he knew.
If Jack had warned him before I left that, while I came with an antidote, I also came with way more baggage than even I would’ve guessed.