Chapter Seventy-Six
Plan
My brows remain frozen in place, raised and waiting for an explanation.
Varic closes the distance between us. “You know we have a plan in place to protect the orphanages in your absence.”
I hold up a hand to stop him. “I know we must heed Mirinea’s warning, and I trust you have done what you can to protect the innocents.
It’s just that none of you have been under his control in the same way I have.
” I turn and look at the rest of them. “None of you have had to observe his every move, or note his every emotion since you were six years old. So if you think you can keep him from wreaking havoc without my influence—none of you truly know what he is capable of. Not the way I do.”
Varic’s eyes pin mine with resolve flashing behind his irises. “Do you trust me to take the threat to innocent lives seriously?”
I bow my head in recognition of how his shame ate at him after his own magic claimed so many lives. “Of course I trust you, Varic. But I am the only one capable of controlling him. And while I haven’t been able to prevent every tragedy, he will do far worse without my influence.”
“I know you have prevented him from behaving worse, and he has used your power to maintain his own. He has made you complicit in expanding his Empire, which has in turn brought harm to our citizens, and the lands we border.”
The honesty in what he is saying cracks the center of my being, allowing a barrage of memories I’d kept hidden—memories of every time His Majesty has forced me to manipulate leaders, courtiers, messengers, and more—to spill outward.
Truths I had buried for my own comfort. Varic is right, and I cannot deny it.
My lungs strain to pull in air. “I’ve been convincing myself of the opposite. Though when Prince Auden was so confident in saying what you have just reflected—it broke something…”
“I saw.” Varic reaches for my hand closest to him and gently tucks it within his own.
My eyes dart around my lap as tears well. “You helped to pull me out when the realization nearly drowned me.” I stare up at him, needing him to witness. “It was terrible, Varic. I was crushed under the weight of all that I have done. All the lives I have taken…”
“Tasch.” He says my name with such reverence, forming the syllables like they’re something he cherishes—though I do not deserve such devotion from him.
“You once explained how it was the Empire requiring me to strengthen my magic, which resulted in the tragedy for which you were sent to rehabilitate me.” His thumb strokes circles over the back of my hand, soothing me more than he should.
“You explained how it was not my fault, but rather the consequence of unchecked power. How it was a system set on hoarding as much power as possible, regardless of the collateral.”
His body sinks down beside me, just as I did the day we met—when I dropped to the soft mattress next to his rigid form.
“You so graciously reminded me how within such a corrupt system we do not have many options—for if we sacrifice ourselves, we can no longer bring about change in the future.”
My lips draw to the side as he recites my message back to me. A pertinent reminder of my own belief, as I stare back and wonder at the admiration he holds for me.
He leans in, and I greedily take in a breath, reveling in the comfort of his scent. “You are right. We have no way of knowing what the Emperor is capable of. All we can do is make an educated guess, and though you know more than you should, we are all here to listen.”
Varic turns to share a meaningful look with my Guards, who each nod in agreement, before returning his attention to me.
My stomach twists with the knowledge of what could happen should we fail in this.
Though what is success in this context? If we make it across the border—what then?
My magic and health are rapidly declining, and we all know the Emperor will stop at nothing to find me.
Which means my escape could equal carnage for the citizens and whoever aids in our extraction.
And for what? To make sure I escape him?
Though if we remain, and the Emperor’s actions should cause my demise, there would be no one to avenge but himself.
He would recognize neither fault nor take any responsibility in having killed me.
Yet if we leave of our own volition…I see no way to accept the lives lost because of the decision.
They cannot possibly find ways to protect every citizen, even though they have found protection for the orphans.
It’s not worth it. I’m not worth it.
“Don’t,” Varic warns, tracing his fingers over the center of my palm. “Those who have chosen to help us know the risks. They have made their decision, without coercion, nor under duress.”
I drop my head forward in understanding.
“You are not responsible for his choices.” The creases in the corners of Varic’s eyes deepen as his cheeks rise. “Unless, of course, you were to influence him.”
This sorcerer’s talent for shifting even the most serious of conversations with humor is as astounding as it is infuriating—especially given how adept he is with this skill.
And I cannot help but to feel lighter with his utmost faith in this plan they have concocted.
For if they are in communication with witches and sorcerers outside of our Empire—and if they have been able to gain the trust and respect necessary to formulate a plan they believe to be worth the risk—who am I to question it?
And if they are capable of pulling this off, what else might we accomplish?
A glimmer of hope sparks inside my chest with the connection forged between me and my Guards, proving over time how their values align with mine.
Cirrin, Fray, Lars, Malin, and Varic have all earned my trust, respect, and loyalty in their own ways—witnessing how they act when it counts the most, time and time again.
And not just in taking my safety seriously, but in considering the broader impact when they can.
When their own safety isn’t at stake. When we aren’t merely trying to make it to the next minute, ensuring we might pull in another breath.
If anyone is capable of inspiring hope in me, it would be the same sorcerers who chose to sacrifice every freedom they might have otherwise experienced in order to serve as my protectors, supporters, and healers. Who have become my friends. My only real family.
“I’m terrified.” My voice breaks, with the hope in my chest being the scariest part of all of this. The emotion which always gets dampened. Weakened. Dimmed.
“We’d be worried if you weren’t,” Fray says, eyes gleaming from the firelight reflected in his tears as they well along his lash line.
A heavy breath seeps from me before a yawn overtakes it. I rip my hand out from Varic’s grasp to cover my mouth as he stands from the mattress. He peers down at me with an amused expression as I stretch my arms high above my head, then fall back down over the pillow.
“How exactly do you expect me to sleep after this?” I ask, exhaustion evident.
“I could join you.” Varic’s voice reignites the heat in the flush rising beneath my cheeks. “Let you drift off in the crook of my arm like you used to do.”
I shake my head, splaying my hair over the pillowcase.
“We need to take as few risks as necessary.” I force my voice to sound neutral while my heart gallops within my ribs.
Varic’s expression falls with my meaning settling in, while a pang of guilt stabs through the center of my chest. “Thank you for offering.” I reach over and graze my fingertips down the side of his hand.
His eyes lower to trace the way I touch him as his chest expands with a deep intake of breath.
“We do this for them,” Varic reminds me, meeting my eyes while using the words of the sorcerer who held his role before him. “We endure the uncertainty and the risk of removing your power from his clutches to create a better life for the citizens we serve.”
I nod, lips quirking as I join the rest of them in chanting, “We do this for them.”
A delicate curve lifts the corners of Varic’s lips as he wraps his hand around the one I comforted him with, then warms my heart as he squeezes it four times before retracting his warmth with him as he turns.
Each step he takes away from me indents my heart as he recedes toward the vanity, to leave roughly one hundred paces between our bodies.
Malin’s deep baritone begins to fill the air as it thrums in my chest. Then the light blue mist of Cirrin’s magic arcs over my body like a blanket as the kindness of my Guards lulls me into slumber.