Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
I haven’t talked to Spencer since I left his place last week. It’s Thanksgiving today, and it’s so not how I thought I’d be spending it.
I had hopes that I’d bring Elijah to his place, and we’d cook together while Elijah played or drew. Maybe cooked with us. We’d sit down and eat together. I’d have been tempted to kiss and touch Spencer, but I’d have still been careful.
I’d have introduced Spencer into our lives as a friend, not just Elijah’s teacher. But I realize now his fear of anyone knowing about us goes even deeper than I thought.
It’s something I’m trying to understand. Something I can’t even be mad at him about. But I wish he’d work with me on this. That we could work it out and eventually maybe even work up to being a full-blown couple out in the world, the way we deserve to be.
“Come to dinner with me. It’ll cheer you up,” Bowen says, and I immediately look over to where Elijah is playing with some toys on the living-room floor—not paying attention to us.
I don’t want him thinking I need to be cheered up though. I’m fine. Totally fine.
“No.” I kind of hate that word, though, since I blame it for messing everything up between Spencer and me. If he hadn’t just shut me down with a no , maybe we could have talked it out. “I don’t need cheering up.”
“What happened?” Bowen keeps his voice low. “Did you and your girl break up?”
I don’t know why I do it, but I grit my teeth and say, “Not a girl.”
It takes him a moment, but then he just shrugs it off in true Bowen form. “Okay, so did you and your guy break up?”
I snort at his nonchalance. “That doesn’t bother you?” I ask him, nerves present but not so much that I don’t ask.
“Why would it? I’m not an asshole.”
“Um! You said a bad word!” Of course, my son decides to start paying attention right then.
“Sorry. I meant butthole,” Bowen says to Elijah, who promptly giggles and then goes back to playing.
“I don’t think that’s much better,” I say with a grin.
“Eh.” He shrugs. “So what happened with you and this guy?”
“I don’t really know. We were fine one moment, and then everything just went to sh—” I look over at my son, who doesn’t seem to be paying attention, but I change my choice of words. “It just went bad.”
Bowen smirks at my almost slip-up. “So make it better.”
“Really? You’re going to give relationship advice?” I quirk my brow.
“Just because I don’t really want one of those relationship things doesn’t mean I can’t try to help you when you’re clearly suffering. Whatever you did, it can be fixed.”
“Why do you assume it was me who did something, you butthole?”
Elijah snickers, and Bowen laughs too. But then he sighs. “I have to get to Mom’s. You sure you don’t want to come? She really seems to be doing better, Kade.”
Elijah looks curious but doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t ask much about his grandparents, but it’s only natural for him to wonder. I shake my head sternly at Bowen. “No.”
He looks disappointed but doesn’t fight me on it. Instead, he walks toward the door. “Okay, make the kid something to eat then.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I grumble, and he heads out.
Elijah looks over at me hopefully. “I’m hungry.”
I laugh. “We have a lot of hours to go before dinner. But how about you help me make some of the sides?”
“Okay!” He jumps up excitedly, and we go into the kitchen, where I follow the recipes as closely as I can. I bought a turkey breast the other day and follow the directions, putting it in the oven.
Then I close my eyes and hope I don’t fuck all this up.
I wish Spencer was here and can’t stop thinking about him at his place, having his quiet little Thanksgiving alone. My heart aches, thinking about us not doing this alone but together.
I really wanted that.
Dinner actually turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself. I had an excellent little helper assisting me in the kitchen though. We managed to make deviled eggs, mashed potatoes, and candied yams to go along with the turkey—and I didn’t burn a damn thing.
I’m gonna call it a win.
I’m sitting with Elijah, watching Elf on television—a tradition we started when he was really little—with full bellies and what I hope end up being really good memories for him.
Elijah is looking a little sleepy, but I know he’s going to insist on watching until the very end, and honestly, I don’t mind one bit. I hug his little body to mine and soak in this time with him. Time I could have lost out on if we’d stayed in Kansas City.
I don’t regret being a firefighter. And maybe, if I wasn’t a dad, I’d have stayed there all the way until retirement, but I know I made the right decision moving here.
I know this is where I’m supposed to be.
And I know something could still happen to me, but somehow being here, I feel like he’ll be taken care of if something happens.
I can’t explain it, but there’s a sense of community here. Bowen is here. Spencer... I bring my hand up to my chest and rub absently over my heart, just thinking about him. I know he’d be there for my kid too.
There’s a gentle knock on the door which startles us both, and Elijah looks adorably annoyed. “Who is here?”
“I don’t know.” I release him and stand up from the couch, trying not to be too hopeful. “Uncle Bowen surely didn’t forget the key to his own house, right?”
Elijah giggles. “He coooould,” he sings, and I laugh, making my way toward the door.
But when I open the door, all the hope bubbles up to the surface because it’s not my brother—it’s Spencer. And he’s standing there with a pie in his hands, his coat and glasses on, and a scarf around his neck. In short, he looks fucking delicious.
“Spence.”
“Hi.” He looks nervous as he stands there.
I’m about to invite him in when I feel Elijah by my side. “Mr. Bell?”
Spencer looks down at Elijah with a wide, anxious smile. “Hey, Elijah. Um... your dad knew I was going to be alone for Thanksgiving and invited me for dinner.”
Not a lie . And when Spencer’s eyes meet mine, I know he’s relieved he didn’t have to lie to my son.
“But you missed dinner,” my son says, sounding exasperated.
Spencer looks back at him, with a more relaxed smile now. “Dang it. You’d think with me being a teacher, I’d be good at telling time.”
“That’s embarrassing,” Elijah snickers. “You’re even teaching us that now!”
Spencer chuckles. “I’ll practice over break, okay?” Elijah grins and nods. “I brought pie though.”
Elijah looks up at me excitedly. “Dad! You forgot the pie, and Mr. Bell brought some!”
I smile to myself because I absolutely did forget about pie, and my son was pretty disappointed by that fact. “It’s a Thanksgiving miracle,” I joke, while Elijah is still eyeing the pie.
“Can we have some?”
Spencer looks to me, and I nod my head, stepping back out of the doorway to give him more room to come in. “Come on in. You saved Thanksgiving.”
Spencer laughs and walks inside before Elijah practically rips the pie from his hands and heads toward the kitchen.
“Elijah, wait for us to cut it,” I yell after him but then turn to Spencer. “You came.”
He slowly unwraps the scarf from around his neck and has gone back to being apprehensive. “Is this okay? I should have sent you a text, but I was worried I’d chicken out.”
“More than okay. I’m so happy you’re here, Spencer.” His eyes shine with relief, and he lets out a puff of air before taking off his coat too. I take it and the scarf from him, hanging them on a hook by the door. “How did you know where I lived though?”
“Um...” His cheeks pinken a little and not just from the cold.
His glasses have fogged over a bit from coming from the cold into the warm house, so he takes them off and cleans them with his shirt.
“I may have seen Bowen’s truck parked here a lot and just assumed. I drive by here on the way to school.”
I laugh. My brother’s truck is obnoxious as fuck. Big and jacked-up with an actual sticker on the back window with a man peeing on a Ford logo. “Small towns, man.”
He laughs in agreement. “Regretting your life choices?”
“Not a bit,” I say honestly, and God, I want to pull him to me, but I resist. I can keep my hands to myself.
“Speaking of Bowen . . . Is he here?”
I shake my head. “Nah, he had to head into work after he went to my mom’s.”
He takes in that information and nods. “Can we take this part slow?” He keeps his voice really low. “I’m all-in on this, Kade. I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t, but I still don’t want to make Elijah have to lie for us. He’s only six, and that’s not fair for him to have to keep our secrets.”
“I understand.” And I do. I want to offer him comfort—to let him know I totally understand, but now’s not really the time for that.
A fact proven when a very impatient Elijah hollers at us from the kitchen. “Pie awaits,” Spencer says, and I laugh, almost grabbing his hand to walk into the kitchen with him but catching myself.
This may be a little more difficult than I anticipated, but it’s okay.
I can do it. We make our way into the kitchen and grab slices for each of us before settling back in on the couch, with Elijah in-between Spencer and me.
We finish watching Elf, and I can’t help but think how effortless this part seems.
Elijah adores Spencer, and they both actually sing along with all the songs together during the movie. The end credits roll, and Elijah’s head is lolling onto my shoulder already.
I take him to his room and tuck him in, kissing his forehead. “Dad?”
“Yeah, buddy?” He’s almost completely out of it, his little eyes already closed.
“Are you and Mr. Bell friends?”
I nod my head, even though his eyes are closed and he can’t see me. “Mm-hmm. Is that okay?”
He nods his head slowly, settling into his pillow. “Yeah. I like Mr. Bell. He’s funny.”
I laugh. “He is.”
“And really smart.”
“He is,” I agree.
“And he’s the nicest teacher in the school. Everyone wants him as their teacher, but they don’t all get to have him.”
I grin at that, stroking his soft hair with my hand and looking at my innocent son who is almost asleep.
I want to ask if maybe he’d be okay if we were more than friends, but I don’t push it.
It’s going to take time to ease Elijah and Spencer into that, but after today, I’m certain now more than ever that we can be a family someday.
“Goodnight, buddy,” I say, sweeping my hand over his hair one more time and then walking out of his room. Spencer is still on the couch, but he looks a little tense.
He’s perched on the edge and sitting up straight like maybe he’s about to leave. “I don’t have a bed,” I say, plopping down next to him. “But the couch is pretty comfortable.”
I wrap my arm around him and pull him close. He’s still tense though. “Kade... we can’t risk...”
“I know,” I say with a smile. “I can keep my hands to myself.”
He looks down at where my hand is currently wrapped around him and then back up to my eyes. I laugh and then release him, holding both hands up in front of me.
“Better?”
“Not really,” he says with a smirk. “But the safer option.”
“Just stay for a bit, Spencer. I missed you today.”
“I missed you too.”
He settles into the couch, relaxing a little finally, and I grab the remote, flicking through channels for something to watch with him. “What made you change your mind?”
He’s watching the television and doesn’t look at me, but I see his lips curve into a smile.
“I’m crazy about you, Kade. You have to know that, but I guess.
..” He turns to look at me now. “I guess by the way I was acting, how could you? I needed you to know I’m just as into this as you are. I want it badly.”
I cup his cheek softly, trying to keep the contact brief, but it feels like the most impossible thing. “You have it. We can figure everything else out, okay?”
He nods and surprises me with a quick—way too quick—kiss on the lips, and I release him afterward, even though my body is screaming at me not to.
“No more pushing you away,” he vows.
And it hits me right in the chest because I know he means it, and the relief is instantaneous.