Chapter 5
Alyssa
The sunlight felt awful. My head was pounding like I had a hangover, but I knew it wasn’t alcohol I was hungover from. Woke up in a tangle in the sheets of a strange bed, feeling like I had nowhere to call my own, and I clutched at my phone off the nightstand, checking the time.
Jesus, it was past eleven. What the hell was I doing?
I let out a groan, slumping onto my back, staring up at the window, sunlight dim behind the curtains. It was a little basement room that had clearly been an art studio once, converted now to a bedroom with a minimal bedframe and a mattress that felt stiff and cold and unfamiliar.
I didn’t know why it was so depressing that Sawyer didn’t message me. I didn’t want him to. I’d been terrified he would. But it really was just… done, like that, huh? All those years and what did I have to show for it?
It was hard to breathe. Not for any physical reason, just…
my mind sank into itself, and it felt like the room shrank away from me until I was here on the bed sprawled out staring up to infinity.
I shouldn’t have been here. Was I really walking away from everything, just like that?
Were all those years really for nothing?
Not even Sawyer, but Boston, my friends there, the regular places I’d known.
Was I ever going to be able to make something like that again?
Who was I fooling, pretending like I knew how to just walk out and start a new life?
I hadn’t even done well when I’d left my mom’s house to go to college, and that was with a whole university designed to receive people going out into the world.
I’d thought at points about reaching out to my mom when I realized I needed to get away from Sawyer. But I hadn’t talked to her in years… I doubted it would go well. And the last thing I wanted was to see Indiana again. But maybe it would have been simpler. Better the devil you know, right?
I didn’t have time to dwell on it. I opened the phone.
Went dutifully through the motions. A message from Daniela two hours ago, message me when you wake up and I’ll get breakfast ready.
And what was I supposed to do with that?
Was I going to just stay here and keep mooching off Daniela, off this room in the basement, eating food Daniela made me?
And what about when she finally asked me for repayment? What was I going to do then?
Jesus, I wasn’t doing well. I messaged her. I’m so sorry I slept in this late, I should have set an alarm!
I sat up, stretching my stiff back muscles. Took a long breath, counted to ten, tried to ground myself. Daniela replied. well, if it’s not sleeping beauty! do you want sweet or savory for breakfast?
I sighed, slumping forward. I’m down for whatever!
answer the question, woman
Well, if she insisted. I could murder a sweet breakfast.
Cinnamon custard French toast with macerated apricot and peach-infused whipped cream sounds good?
Okay, maybe coming out here wasn’t the worst idea.
∞∞∞
Daniela’s smile was thick with concern when I finally dragged myself up out of the basement to meet her. I’d washed my face and done my skincare, but it could only do so much for the half-feral look I was carting up to the kitchen to meet her.
“Hey,” she said. “Did you sleep okay?”
“I slept fine,” I mumbled. “Thanks. Also, my god it smells good in here.”
“Sit down. I’m just finishing up.”
I sat down, and she went back to the stove. She was dressed casually today, with a sweatshirt and flannel pants, fuzzy socks and an apron that looked hand-embroidered with little flowers. She spoke with her back to me.
“I don’t want to insult you, but you don’t look too good. Are you feeling all right?”
“Just… overwhelmed, I guess,” I said quietly. “I think it’s only just now setting in that I left home and I don’t know what I’m doing next.”
She gave me a soft smile over her shoulder. “That’s okay,” she said. “It’s kind of to be expected. You’ve always been quick on the uptake with stuff. Always right on to the next thing. It’s no surprise you move quickly into the practical stage of this.”
“I don’t feel too practical,” I mumbled.
“This is a normal part of the process. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck, though. How do you like your coffee?”
“As long as it has caffeine, I like it.”
“Ew. Disgusting. Raise your standards. I’m making a Chemex.”
It was a minute later that she set down a plate of beautifully presented French toast with tall peaks of whipped cream and layers of fresh fruit, and she poured me a cup of coffee from a fancy carafe that looked like it should have been in a modern art museum instead of on the kitchen table.
“Congratulations,” she said. “You get to help yourself to a legendary Daniela Holman breakfast.”
I laughed. She was always like that—a little extra, a little self-aggrandizing—but I knew she was playing it up to help cheer me up. I wouldn’t let her know I was onto her little scheme, though. “Thanks, legendary Daniela Holman,” I said. “It looks amazing.”
“I know. So, how did you like the party last night?” she said, sinking into the seat across from me, and I hesitated—I hadn’t gone ahead with asking last night, but it was eating at me too much.
“So, what happened with Jade?”
She did a double take. “What, were you dreaming of Jade?”
“No, just… it was on my mind.” I folded my hands on the table. “She’s, um… she’s Candle Girl, isn’t she?”
“Ah, damn.” Daniela visibly deflated. “I was hoping I’d be able to move on without being called out.”
“Called out?” I laughed awkwardly.
She put her hands up. “Look, I’m sure you know the whole dynamic is a little weird with the friend group and all that. Jade wants nothing to do with me. So I feel like a total screwball for… being interested in her, I guess.”
I furrowed my brow. “Did you have a fight with her? From what I can tell, it sounds like it was just a split from the whole friendship group, nothing personal with you.”
“It was a mess…” She put a hand to her forehead, looking away. “I don’t think you want to hear it all.”
“I want to hear it all.”
She winced. “Are you sure? You came here to get away from your own stuff, and I don’t want to load up more on you.”
“I’m a grownup. I can handle it.” And I wanted some of her story to help distract me from myself, but I wasn’t saying that.
“All right,” she said, and she paused before she said, “If you’re sure. But you don’t need to worry about any of it. Don’t feel like you have to fix things. I know how you are!”
“Hey,” I laughed, but I didn’t fight it. Mostly because she was right. I took a bite of the food while she started, and I almost missed what she was saying because of how much the flavor hit me. Jesus, she was good at cooking.
“Jade was never the most… in the group,” she said.
“I think I mentioned she was a little introverted. So she was always off kind of… doing her own thing, a little bit. But she still came around the Birdhouse every now and then, and she was especially close with me and another mutual friend, Cat. Cat was more involved with organizing things at the Birdhouse, but she was very particular about how things would get done, and she and Drew butted heads over some of the organizing decisions.”
“And they fought over that?”
“Eh… basically. There was a series of events that Cat wanted to bring in some outside help for, pay contractors instead of volunteers, start monetizing things a bit to pay for it. Drew’s always wanted to keep it close to home.
But Cat eventually crashed out and went off telling everybody all these terrible things about Drew behind his back, and when it got back to him, there was a huge fight.
Cat stopped coming around, and Jade stopped coming too, in protest, solidarity with her, I guess.
But, you know, it’s not a big town. There’s only so much we can do to avoid each other around here.
So I’ve still bumped into Jade a bunch, and I’ve tried to talk to her, but she’s very touchy about the whole thing, so she basically told me off.
” She groaned, shrugging over-dramatically.
“Charlie told me I need to let it go and stop trying to get involved in things, so I’m trying to ignore it and let it blow over.
But I admit I still feel like a mess, a little bit. ”
I chewed my lip, mulling it over, poking at the food in thought. “But you still like Jade.”
“Well, yeah. I mean, we were good friends for like a year. I think I told you most of it when I was gushing about her and crushing hard, like, we’d been hanging out occasionally, and she invited me over to join her for candle making, and we had these long evenings out at her house where I would bring elaborate meals trying to impress her, we’d sit out on her deck and talk about whatever, and we’d make some candles together.
I swear we almost kissed one time, but she suddenly changed course, and I was spending like two weeks overanalyzing it so much I felt like my head was gonna explode.
So don’t you go overanalyzing it, too, or your head is gonna explode too!
” She huffed, putting a piece of toast in her mouth, and she chewed it moodily.
“So, yeah, I mean, I still like her. But she has no interest in me. So, whatever. My feelings will pass, too, if she keeps pulling away to do her own thing, anyway.”
“Do you think things might go back to normal?” I said. “You know, with Cat and Jade and everything. And then things might be better with Jade again?”
“I dunno. I doubt it. She probably has a grudge against me for not also boycotting the Birdhouse in protest or whatever.” She sighed. “I don’t want to talk too much about it. I feel so embarrassed.”
“Oh, sorry. I wasn’t trying to embarrass you. Just…” I shrugged. “I want to know what’s going on around here. You know, to know the dynamics.”