Chapter 11
Jade
It was stupid to get jealous over. It wasn’t even like I was interested in Alyssa like that, so I had no reason to feel anything about something as predictable as Abby taking Alyssa on a date.
I probably should have seen it coming when Alyssa mentioned Abby joining her for the hike yesterday, and then seeing Abby all dressed up at the Birdhouse…
the pieces of the puzzle were already all there.
Guess it was on me for starting to feel attached to someone.
This was why I hated pretty girls. They barely had to lift a finger, and people would lose their minds and start acting weird, winding up one-sidedly feral.
Myself included. So when I saw Abby sidling up close to Alyssa and playing with her dress, batting her eyelashes and flirting, I’d excused myself from the chat with Daniela and slipped outside.
Felt stupid for a minute for having volunteered to drive her home, thinking she was probably leaving with Abby tonight, but then I’d spotted her on the terrace clearly spiraling, and everything had just happened from there.
I held the passenger side door for her as she climbed into my Jeep, and I hoisted myself up into the driver’s side door and shut the door to where Alyssa was looking calmer already, her eyes focusing more sharply.
“Doing okay?” I said, and she ducked her head, blushing a little.
“Sorry, I was just smelling your car. That’s a weird thing to say.”
“Probably just smells like cake and pastry right now.”
She laughed. “It’s not that. I mean, there’s a little bit of that, but you know, just… I guess it makes sense. You probably haul a lot of candles around in here.”
Oh, yeah. She had commented on how nice the car had smelled.
I’d kind of gone nose-blind to the scent inside my car a while ago, but it did smell like candles, now that I thought about it.
My signature style was more woody, earthy and spiced—cozy scents.
So even though I made and shipped all kinds of candles, there was a predominant theme that lingered in the car.
“Candles and trees,” I said. “I’ve hauled a bunch of saplings around in here.”
“Have you really? What is it you do, exactly?”
“Public works operator for the local government. If this town were bigger, I’d probably be solely on road duty, filling potholes, but luckily, most of my work is with the parks and forestry.”
“That’s so cool,” she laughed, eyes sparkling. Starting to get a bit more of herself in them. Wondered if she was going to start feeling better and want to go talk to Abby some more again instead. God, I was being stupid. “So you’re like a park ranger.”
“Kind of. You know jobs are a bit fuzzy around the edges out here in the middle of nowhere. So yeah, you’re smelling a combination of candles and the various plant babies I’ve hauled back and forth. And probably some pastry too.”
She took a long breath in, closing her eyes and letting it out slowly, her shoulders sinking. “It’s nice,” she said quietly. “It’s very… calming.”
I stopped, gaze lingering on her. She was clearly in a nervous state ever since she left Sawyer, fight or flight reflex fully activated. I knew better than anyone how scent could be grounding.
I’d drive a little slower than usual. Maybe she needed a little extra time in the car.
“You can relax, put some music on if you want,” I said, opening the center glove compartment. “It’s mostly indie stuff, folk pop. Straight to Daniela’s?”
“If you wouldn’t mind… you spoil me, honestly.”
“Like I said, it’s on the way.” I started the car as she went rifling through the CDs in the center compartment.
“It’s cool you have CDs. Physical media and all that. I just have Spotify, but I feel uncool saying that.”
“There’s just something about being able to hold the physical manifestation of something I like,” I said. “Probably a good thing I didn’t get into vinyl, or I’d have a problem.”
She put on a Hozier album, and it started playing as she shifted back into her seat, closing the glove compartment and relaxing so much she seemed to shrink a full few inches. “So,” she said after a second, “you feeling okay? Having talked to Daniela and all that… you seemed to get along well.”
“Mm.” I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel, keeping my eyes on the road.
It was dark out, dark and quiet. My favorite kind of drive.
Alyssa seemed to enjoy the music kept low and atmospheric like I did, and I was grateful she wasn’t the type to crank it to eleven.
“I’m glad she didn’t try to lay into me this time. ”
She frowned at me. “She’s been laying into you?”
Shouldn’t have said anything. I shrugged. “Just because she wants me to get back to the Birdhouse, back to the community…”
“If she’s been pressuring you, that’s not fair on her part,” she said. “I can talk to her.”
“Please don’t. This is what I mean. I don’t want to screw with your friendships. Especially not for the sake of mine when I’m halfway out the door.”
“Right…” She looked away. “I just don’t want you to feel like you’re alone in it.”
Anyone else going off with that kind of sweetness, I’d think they were being patronizing. Alyssa, I don’t think she had it in her. “I’m really okay,” I said, after a second. “Thanks, though.”
“She did talk about you a lot, you know. I mean, I hadn’t heard about any of the arguments happening here lately, because it was at the same time that my life was falling apart a little back in Boston, so I didn’t actually know she’d stopped talking to you, but I can attest that she really likes you. ”
I sighed, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. “Mm.”
“I’ve actually been invested in your friendship,” she laughed, and she gave me a small, vulnerable look from the corner of her eye. “Well… I was. Maybe you weren’t as attached?”
“Dunno.” My voice was more clipped than it should have been. I was doing that thing again. I tried to just focus on driving.
“Sorry,” she said.
“Don’t apologize.”
“Okay, well… okay.”
I drove another few minutes kicking myself before we came up to the street to Daniela’s house, and I slowed to a stop in the driveway in front of her cute house with the bright yellow shutters. That girl did love her yellows.
“Well, here we are,” I said, and she gave me a small, distant smile.
“I really appreciate this. Honesty.”
“Don’t even mention it.” I slumped back in the seat.
“Look—sorry. I know I shouldn’t be so touchy.
” The words tumbled out of me before I could think them through, but what the hell.
Alyssa was my person I could talk to about these things.
“It’s just hard with Daniela especially because she was my closest friend, together with Cat.
For a while there, we were spending every minute together, and sometimes, when I see how quickly she pulled away from me over this—how easily she dropped it all like there was nothing—I just wonder if… if any of it meant anything.”
That was too much. Too much by far. I clutched the steering wheel hard, trying not to notice Alyssa’s wide-eyed stare at me. “Jade…”
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to go on a whole tirade. Just… I’m not mad at you for talking about Daniela or whatever. Just wanted to explain. Do you need to get inside?”
She kept staring at me until I felt itchy all over. “Do you have feelings for Daniela?”
“I—” I put a hand over my face, massaging the bridge of my nose. “How would I, when she doesn’t even acknowledge I’m there?”
“Did you have feelings for Daniela?”
“Hell if I know. I’m not good with feelings.” I groaned, slouching back in the seat. “Okay, I don’t know. Maybe a little. We spent a lot of time together. We definitely had something special. But even if I did, what does it matter now? Ugh… I’m turning you into my therapist.”
“I’m not asking as a therapist, I’m asking as a friend,” she said. “And even if those feelings weren’t going to go anywhere because of what happened, it’s still important to acknowledge them, I think. I mean, everyone has feelings.”
I stared down for a while, just listening to the music, before I said, “Yeah, maybe. You might be right.”
“Well, first time for everything.”
“Stop,” I laughed, nudging her arm, and I sighed. I felt lighter even before I said it. “Yeah, I had a crush on her, I think. But that was then, and this is now.”
“Mm.” She nodded. She did the same thing as Cat, where a silence could stretch out and I didn’t feel pressured to fill it.
I relaxed, listening to the music, letting my mind spin around the thoughts, before she said, “Do you think you might still have those feelings if she were to come around, apologize for making you feel pushed out?”
“Dunno.” My chest felt tangled. “Wouldn’t matter, though, would it? I’m not sticking around.” Of course, was that relevant? She wasn’t planning on sticking around, but apparently she was happy flirting with Abby. I needed to get the image out of my head.
“Of course it matters,” she laughed. “They’re still your feelings. I’m not saying you’d be going off and getting married, just asking about your feelings.”
“Huh.” I shrugged. “Well, maybe we’ll see if it comes to that. But I don’t see that happening any time soon.”
“You never know.” She winked. God, what an annoying wink. Seriously, she had that kind of annoying cute charm that made you want to do whatever she was asking, and I couldn’t believe the audacity of it. “Who knows what tomorrow may bring?”
“All right, motivational poster girl. I guess you never know. Now, do you need to get inside?”
She laughed. “I don’t mind being motivational poster girl. Thanks for driving me. I’ll, um…” She paled, freezing with her hand on the door handle. “I’ll be, um…”
“Alyssa?” I turned to her, my senses sharpening. “What’s wrong?”
She stared into the distance, eyes slowly widening, before she said, “I… don’t have a key.”
“You… don’t have a key.”
“To get in the house.”
I stared at her. She stared back.
Finally, I broke—I snorted, and she buried her face in her hands when I laughed.
“I’m such an idiot,” she mumbled. “I’m so sorry, I’m wasting all your time.”
“Relax,” I said. “How did Daniela not get you a key yet?”
“Well, you know. She’s been busy.”
“She’s forgetful.”
“It’s that too.”
I laughed, settling back in my seat. “Do you… want me to drop you off here to wait, or do you want me to take you back?”
“God, I don’t know,” she mumbled. “You can just drop me here, I guess. There’s a nice backyard spot where I can… lie down and watch the stars.”
“Lie down and watch the stars. Alyssa, that’s a cute dress and all, but you’re going to freeze lying down and watching the stars in it.”
“I’ll be okay,” she said with a forced nervous laugh. “I used to play barefoot in the snow when I was a kid! I like the cold. I run warm. I’ll be cozy and warm.”
I sighed, turning the car back on. “Do you want to come stay at my place?”
“Oh—Jesus, I can’t possibly intrude on your house too after all this.”
“You’d be doing me a favor,” I said. “I could use your input on a candle I’m trying to balance.”
“Um…” She stared wide-eyed. “Yeah?”
“It’s a gift for Nayla. She loves peach, so I’m trying to work peach scent into a candle, but I can’t get it to balance right. You think you could come around and offer some input?”
“I’m no… scent expert.”
“All the better. I want someone who would approach it more like Nayla would.”
She softened into a small smile. “Let me just text the others. Um… thank you.”
I should have just taken her back to the Birdhouse. I’d be driving past it anyway, and then she’d find out I’d lied about my place being on the way. But I found I just… didn’t… want to. Maybe I was just so friendless that I wanted to cling to what I could get.
How embarrassing.