Chapter 24
Jade
“Are you and Alyssa together?”
The question came out of nowhere, and I did a double take, turning to where Cat sat on the ridge next to me.
We’d been sitting in companionable silence watching the stars come out as the last rays of sunlight disappeared below the horizon, and I’d been brooding over two things: one, Alyssa dancing with Abby, and two, over the fact that I was brooding over Alyssa dancing with Abby.
I knew why she was doing it. I also hated that she was doing it.
So what a state for me to be in when Cat sledgehammered me with the exact question I didn’t want.
“I try to be together with her as little as possible,” I said, turning to face her and sign while I spoke. “Always on edge when she’s around. Never know when she’s going to slap me in the face again.”
She smiled. “I’ve got a confession to make.”
Casually, my chest constricted and I had a heart attack and a stroke. I managed just as casual a tone as I said, “You have a crush on Alyssa?”
“I was tag-teaming with Alyssa to try to get you and Daniela together.”
It took me a minute to even remember what words were. I blinked fast. “You were doing what?”
“You know, Daniela Holman, the tall one with the glasses.”
“Oh, my bad, yes, that’s right, I forgot who Daniela was. I appreciate the reminder. What do you mean, you were—since when?” All of Alyssa talking about me and Daniela…
“Like two seconds after we met, honestly. She’d been thinking you two would make a cute couple even before she got here, and I was sure you and Daniela were basically a thing before everything went down with the Birdhouse.”
“Well…” My head was spinning, all of a sudden, the rest of the evening miles and miles away, like it was years ago. She strained her smile.
“But now you’re only interested in Alyssa, aren’t you?”
Christ, I guess this was the curse of having friends who knew you. I groaned. “You really want to set me up with a girl, don’t you? That’s why you saw her at my place and bailed on dinner plans?”
She grinned. “Yeah, guilty as charged.”
I sighed pointedly. She wouldn’t hear it. It was for my own benefit anyway. “I appreciate you taking pity on me and helping out, but I’m not looking for a relationship.”
“I’m not taking pity. Haven’t I known you as being terminally single for years now without doing anything?”
“Jesus, why don’t you tell me how you really feel?”
“I’m in support of this because it makes you happy,” she said quietly. “You were really happy when you were close with Daniela. And then when it went away, I wanted to see you get that back, but now seeing how you are with Alyssa, it’s like night and day. I’ve never seen you like this with anyone.”
“Well, I mean…” Christ, it wasn’t like I could fight her. I hadn’t had a lot of dating experiences, so I’d never felt anything like what I did with Alyssa. Of course, I doubted I’d feel like it with anyone, but that was the crush talking. Probably. Hopefully.
“I’m pretty sure she likes you too,” she said quietly. “If you’re not already together, you should go for it. If you are… you can tell me.”
Well, no other way out of this now. I switched to signing, and I said, “I’m moving away.”
“What?” She blurted it out loud, louder than I think she realized, and I saw out of the corner of my eye as Alyssa and Daniela looked over at us.
Abby sprawled out on the grass next to Alyssa, close to the fire, and I scared myself with how badly I wanted to wrench Alyssa away and keep her to myself.
I signaled for Cat to lower her volume, and she took it as a personal offense.
“What are you talking about? When? Where? What?”
I signaled harder for her to lower her volume, and I signed in small, frustrated gestures. “I think I’ve done all there is for me to do in this place.”
I could see the moment her heart shattered written out on her face, a desperately sad look in her eyes, still gleaming with—I don’t know, some hope maybe it was a mistake, that maybe this was just a big joke. “You mean, leaving Paxton Ridge, leaving Vermont, leaving us.”
“I never intended to live here forever,” I said, defensive now. “I just think it’s time for the next stage of my life.”
“This is because of me, isn’t it?” she said, still speaking out loud, her voice cracking. “It’s because of everything with Drew and because I couldn’t keep my stupid mouth shut—”
“Cat,” I said. “It’s not your fault.”
“Would you be doing this if we hadn’t had that falling out?”
I hesitated. Her eyes shimmered, and my stomach dropped.
I hadn’t thought she… disliked me, I mean—I knew we were friends, but I’d never imagined it would be quite like this, that she’d be immediately tearing up just at the thought of me leaving.
“It’s not your fault it happened. It’s because of how people treated you. ”
“It’s changing,” she said, her voice thick, as she gestured to the others.
She really was losing volume control… people were looking now.
Alyssa and Daniela both looked concerned, and I didn’t need either of them coming right now.
“Tonight’s been great. We’ve all been hanging out, being friends… is that not enough?”
“I’ve been—it’s—” I fumbled for the signs. “I wanted you to have your connections and your people again. I felt like this place doesn’t have anything left for me, but I know it means a lot to you—”
“So that’s why you’ve been talking to people again? Reaching out to Daniela again, getting close with Alyssa…”
“I didn’t expect anything to go the way it has with Alyssa.
” I guess that was confessing to how I felt about her.
Shit, what difference did it make now? “I just meant to go to a few events at the Birdhouse, talk to some people. Put myself in the line of fire. I figured it didn’t matter if people got mad at me, I was on my way out. ”
“And you never told me?”
“I was—” I groaned, wiping my hand over my face. “I meant to tell you. Just… I figured you’d try to convince me not to.”
“Well, fuck me if I care about you and don’t want you to leave.”
“Cat—”
“No, it’s fine. Where are you moving to?” She pulled her knees up into her chest, her eyes explicitly on my hands and not my face. “Off somewhere fun? You’ll have to send postcards. Unless you just don’t want to talk to any of us anymore.”
“It’s not like that. I care about you a lot as a friend, and I just…”
“No, it’s fine. I’m a mess, it’s only natural everybody gets sick of my bullshit and goes to leave. I mean, listen to me right now. Talk about whiny entitlement.”
“Cat—”
“Where were you thinking? Somewhere close by? Somewhere we could visit?”
Shit, I’d been explicitly planning as far away as possible, but I couldn’t say that. I faltered, ending up saying nothing, which was the worst option of all. She stood up, brushing the dirt off her pants.
“Well, I hope you love it,” she said. “I’m gonna go home.”
“Cat—”
“I’m really tired. And my legs are sore. And I’m in a self-pitying mood, and I’m deaf. That’s not relevant, but it does make the list sound more serious. I’ll see you later. Unless you move tomorrow or something, I don’t know. Bye.”
She turned away before I could say anything back, and I hesitated, halfway to standing, almost going after her before I realized I’d only be making things worse. With a groan, I slumped back down on the grass, a hand to my forehead.
I really was an asshole. But I guess it was done now. And maybe if things went down like that, then she wouldn’t be trying to get me to stay, so… maybe it worked out for the best.
∞∞∞
“Hey,” Alyssa called after me as I fished my keys from my pocket, and I looked back at where she hurried along the parking lot towards me.
She was so damn pretty it actually made me uncomfortable, suddenly aware of how grossly inadequate I was for her.
The most drop-dead beautiful woman, loved by everyone, taking pity on me, made me feel so out of place I wanted to itch my own skin off.
“Jesus, you take off quickly,” she said.
“I was convinced I’d catch up with you to find you leaving tire tracks tearing off out of the place. ”
“Just figured I’d get out of the way.”
“Well, I sure hope you won’t, because I kind of needed to ask you a favor.” She clasped her hands at her waist. “Can you drive me home?”
I raised my eyebrows. “Daniela ditched you?”
“She went with Cat.”
“Oh…” A stab of guilt hit me at the same time as a flush of relief.
I guess it had worked. Girl had people she could count on after all.
Daniela was a good person. Cat was in safe hands with her.
And the least I could do was make sure Alyssa wasn’t caught up in my mess too.
I stood up taller. “Well, hop in, then. It smells like pine after the hauling this morning, just a heads-up.”
She laughed, a gleam coming back into her eyes as she relaxed. “You know I love the way your car smells. All the better. Thanks, Jade.”
I got in the car and started it as she went around and climbed in the passenger side, and I was putting the car in reverse before she’d even shut the door.
“Is everything okay?” she said, buckling in as I pulled out of the parking space, and I grunted.
“I’m just getting you home.”
“Oh… okay.” That little look in her eyes made me feel like I kicked a puppy. All the better. Would be easier if she didn’t like me either.
Or so I told myself. I got about two minutes of driving before I pulled off to the side, and I drove off the road and onto a secluded dirt patch, around the corner and out of sight, behind tall spruce trees and with a view of the valley sprawling out below us.
I sighed, slumping back against the seat.
“Sorry,” I said. “Just needed a second.”
“Thank god. For a second I thought you were having a mental break and about to drive us off a cliff.”
“Nah. Even having a mental break, I’m not about to put a scratch on your face, you’re pretty enough it’d be a shame.”