Chapter 1 #2
“It’s not the one drink that I’m worried about,” Sarah grinned. “It’s the round of shots that follows it, then the dancing, then the next round of shots, then it’s two in the morning and I’m regretting my life decisions.”
Jess pursed her lips, then looked at the other two. “I’ve got gin back at my room…”
Imogen was nodding. “That would work. And then we don’t have any of the guys trying to hit on us on a dance floor.” She lowered her voice conspiratorially. “Ted absolutely is going to make a move on me later, and I’d rather swerve that.”
Sarah looked around at all three women. She could feel the trap closing but gave it one last shot. “I don’t really need any more to drink…”
“Then just have water, it can’t hurt to hang out a bit longer. And when you want to go to bed you’re literally two minutes' walk from your room.”
“I…” Sarah hesitated, but she knew that she had no counter.
If it had been just her and Jess she’d have probably said no still, simply so that she could avoid anything awkward before the Christmas holidays.
But four of them, it would be fun. She grinned and shrugged. “You’ve got me. Just one drink though.”
Beth laughed. “We’ll see about that…”
***
Jess made a very good gin and tonic.
Just the right balance between strong without being too much, you knew you were having a drink but it actually tasted nice.
Imogen and Beth took the two armchairs while Sarah and Jess sat on her bed, backs against the wall, and they talked about not a lot, mainly gossip from the night and reminiscing about the season so far.
Sarah kept to her one drink while the other three had a second, then before they knew it the time was getting on for half midnight.
Imogen stood and stretched. “I’m going to call it a night I think… I’m out again tomorrow.” She glanced at her watch and laughed. “Today I guess.”
“I’ll walk with you,” Beth said, standing as well.
Soon enough it was just Sarah and Jess remaining.
“I should probably head to bed too,” Sarah said, starting to stand.
“In a minute,” Jess said. “Let’s just hang a little longer.”
“Ok. In a minute.” In truth, it was warm and cosy in Jess’s room, and Sarah always enjoyed spending time with Jess, and her supervision would be the same tomorrow whether she had eight hours' sleep or six, so it was never going to take much persuading.
“Your glass is empty.”
Sarah smiled. “I had my one drink.”
Jess shuffled across the bed and stood, holding her hand out for Sarah’s glass. “One more.”
“That would be two drinks.”
Jess grinned, her eyes bright. “One more won’t hurt.”
Handing her glass over, Sarah’s smile turned rueful. “What this says about my willpower…”
“You could keep going all night then turn up still drunk? It might help you to think more creatively?” Jess joked.
“Yeah… that’s not going to work.” She paused as Jess handed her glass back. “Thanks.” Sarah took a sip. “Oh, that’s good… how do you make them so good?”
“Lots of practice,” Jess laughed. “Too much practice.”
That laugh… Sarah had a sudden wave of oh my God she is so unbelievably hot rush through her head, felt her pulse quicken just a little.
Jess sat back down on the bed, and when she did Sarah’s pulse went somewhere alarming, because she settled back down closer than before, her shoulder touching Sarah’s, their legs millimetres apart.
There was plenty of space on either side of them…
that has to be deliberate, surely? What is she doing?
But Jess simply took a long drink from her glass.
“It’s been a long term,” she said.
“Yeah. Eight weeks that feels like eight months.”
“I’m knackered.”
“Oh, I can head to bed.”
Jess laughed. “No, I mean I’m knackered like I need to spend the first fortnight of the holidays sleeping. Now… no, I’m not knackered like that.”
“You don’t look knackered. You look amazing. You always look amazing.”
Sarah winced inside… she hadn’t meant to say that. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Jess turn her head to look at her, up close. Sarah forced herself to stare straight ahead at the wardrobe across the room and thought, don’t look at her, don’t look at her, don’t look at her.
“Sarah.”
Sarah felt her hands shaking a little. “Don’t.”
“I didn’t say anything.” Jess was still looking at her, and Sarah could feel herself starting to blush.
“I know. Don’t though.”
Jess hesitated for a long moment. “Ok,” she said, turning her head to look across the room again.
Jess didn’t move. Sarah didn’t move. The water pipes clanked as someone turned on a tap upstairs.
Sarah was aware of every millimetre of space between her leg and Jess’s.
She was aware of how Jess had shifted slightly so that their shoulders were pressed together a little more.
And she was aware, with crystal clarity, that this was the moment, that whatever she did or didn’t do in the next thirty seconds was going to matter for a very long time.
Sarah leaned forward and put her glass down on the carpet.
She turned her head.
Jess was already turning hers.
They looked at each other for what felt like a long time.
Sarah was thinking, very clearly, that she could still leave.
She could stand up, laugh, say something deflecting, walk out, and Jess would let her.
Jess, she now understood, was never going to make this happen for her.
Jess was going to make her do it herself.
So she did.
Sarah leaned in and kissed her.
What surprised her was that it felt natural, right, familiar.
Softer lips, more playful, more fun than with a guy, but kissing was kissing and Sarah had kissed her fair share of people.
She’d thought, when she’d imagined it, that it would be something entirely different but it wasn’t, it was just a kiss…
an excellent, amazing, life changing kiss, but a kiss.
Seven weeks of pretending not to look came down all at once to Jess’s mouth being soft and tasting of gin, and Jess sighing as their kiss deepened and their tongues met.
Sarah’s whole body responded with a yes that was so unequivocal that she thought she might melt on the spot.
Sarah didn’t know how long it went on for.
Long enough that her back ached from the angle against the hard wall.
Long enough that Jess’s hand had moved up to her waist, was now under the hem of her top, fingers pushed flat against the bare skin of her side, not moving, just there, tantalising with the possibility of what might come next.
Long enough that they’d shifted and Jess was almost in her lap, Sarah’s hands on Jess’s waist, the softness of their chests pushed together a glorious contrast to the men that Sarah had been with before.
The lips, the tongue, the hands, the body…
these were going to live in Sarah’s head forever.
Then it caught up with her.
This was Jess. This was a girl. Sarah had spent nineteen years being who she thought she needed to be, and that person was not allowed to do this. The whole mental construct of who she was started flashing in her head and she panicked, properly panicked.
She pulled back.
Jess looked at her, very still, eyes bright, lips parted, breathing hard… and a part of Sarah thought, she wants me, she wants me as much as I want her, before the other, more sensible part of her said, you’re straight, don’t do this.
“You’ve got a girlfriend," Sarah said.
Jess just looked at her, saying nothing.
“I’m straight,” Sarah added.
Jess took her hand in hers and it felt so good, so right, but so wrong.
“I should go.” Sarah rushed to stand, knocking over the glass on the carpet. “Oh, God, sorry…” She leaned down to pick it up, uncharacteristically flustered.
“It’s ok,” Jess said, still sat, looking up at her. “Don’t worry about it.”
Sarah didn’t know whether she was talking about what had just happened between them or the spilled drink.
“I…” Sarah started to say.
“It’s ok,” Jess repeated, with a hint of a smile that told Sarah this wasn’t the first time she’d had another woman completely freak out about kissing her.
Sarah slipped her shoes on and headed for the door. As she opened she said, “I’m sorry, I just…”
Jess simply nodded. “It’s ok.”
***
Back in her room Sarah threw herself on her bed and lay there feeling wretched. I just blew it, she thought. I’m in love with her and that was everything I wanted and I panicked and blew it.
She stood, pulling her shoes on, thinking to go back to Jess’s room, but then she stopped and took them off again. Jess has Steph, she’ll have seen common sense by now, best we pretend it never happened.
Eventually Sarah got changed into her pyjamas, brushed her teeth and climbed into bed but, with the lights off, it was worse…
cycling between berating herself for not being braver, mortification that she’d just kissed a woman, and breathlessly replaying what had been, without a doubt, the best kiss of her life.
***
Later, much later, she still couldn’t sleep when she heard a soft knock on her door. Sarah froze, not sure if she was imagining things, her heart pounding in her ears, then she heard it again.
Climbing out of bed she went to the door and pulled it open, blinking in the light from the landing.
Jess was stood there, wearing joggers and a hoody, her hair up in a bun, and Sarah’s first thought was, my God she is hot.
“Hey,” Jess whispered, leaning against the doorframe.
“Hey.”
“So I couldn’t sleep.”
“Me neither.”
They looked at each other for a long few moments.
Then, Jess said quietly, “Tell me why not again.”
Sarah hesitated, then said, “You’ve got a girlfriend.”
“I do. But I’m in love with you, not her.”
Sarah’s breath caught… she’s in love with me? Did I hear that right?
“I’m straight,” Sarah managed to whisper.
A smile twitched across Jess’s lips. “No. No, you’re not.”
They looked at each other for a long, long few moments.
“No,” Sarah admitted eventually. “I’m not.”
“Good.” Jess looked at her for a moment longer, then she closed the distance and kissed her, hard.