Chapter 9 #4
“He came out of the bathroom naked. And I…” Amy’s voice caught, just a little, before she steadied herself.
“He was very good looking. I won’t pretend otherwise.
Gym body, very toned. But it was seeing him naked, seeing that he was already hard, God, I’d be lying if I said I felt nothing.
It thrilled me. He had a confidence in how he walked, nothing to hide, unashamed of how obvious it was that he wanted me, it was…
erotic, I guess is the word. There was something else mixed in with it, the awareness of what it really was, but the attraction was real and I felt it.
He was walking towards me, wanting me, and there was a part of me that wanted to be wanted like that. ”
Amy paused, and the silence stretched on.
"He got into bed and we were kissing and his hands were on me and mine were on him, and then he was inside me and…
" Amy looked down at her wine glass. "There was a moment.
A flash of clarity, this bed, this man, why I was really there, and I could feel it rising up, all the reasons this was wrong.
But I pushed it down. I let it go. Because by then the momentum of everything, him, the flat, the drink, the feeling of being desired, was carrying me and it was easier to let myself be carried than to stop and confront what I was actually doing.
So I pushed the clarity down and I let myself get carried away. "
Sarah could see the tiniest tremor next to Amy’s eye, barely noticeable, but enough to tell her what her outward composure was costing.
“The first time was quick. Very quick.” Amy smiled, and it was the bitterest smile that Sarah had ever seen.
“I guess I must have looked very, very good that night.” Sarah wasn’t sure whether that was meant to be a joke, but neither of them laughed.
“He was on top of me and it was over in a minute, maybe two. I faked an orgasm because it felt like the right thing to do for his fantasy. He used protection, and he wasn’t rough or unkind…
he kissed me afterwards and told me I was gorgeous.
" Amy paused. "And I was flattered. In the moment, genuinely flattered.
A good looking man had just had sex with me and was looking at me like I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.
It felt good to hear." She shook her head slightly.
"Then he rolled off me and I lay there and thought, ok, that wasn't too bad, I’ve had worse, but no way we’re done.
"He went and got us both another drink, and we lay in bed together talking, and honestly? It was fun. He was charming, and I was charming back, and we were laughing and flirting and fooling around, and for a little while it felt… easy. Normal. Like two people who’d liked each other and hooked up.
"He started kissing me again, and then he moved down, and he was good.
He knew what he was doing. And I wasn't fighting it this time…
I was on a break with James, I was lying in bed with a good looking man who was going out of his way to make me feel good, and for a few minutes I just let myself feel it.
The instinct took over. I wanted more, right then, I wanted him, so I pulled him back up the bed and climbed on top of him. "
Amy looked down at the table. "And that's the part I've never quite got my head around. Because I was on top. I was the one who put myself there. I was moving, I was setting the pace, and this time I didn’t have to fake anything.
Genuinely. Not a performance. And it was very good.
" She was quiet for a moment. "My body didn't care why I was in that bed.
It just responded to someone who was making it feel good.
"And then I guess the first time had taken a lot out of him.
I could tell he wanted to keep going though, and…
I let him. I wanted to. I wanted him to have his time too, it felt only fair after what he'd just done for me. So I rolled on to my back and I was fine with it, I was still in that headspace where it felt good, where this was something I was choosing. But then it went on, and on. We kept changing positions, trying to get him there, and that buzz I'd had started to fade and the reality started creeping back in. I faked another orgasm trying to finish him off but it didn't work, and I realised I was doing things that I thought he’d expect me to do, I was performing because I didn’t want him to think I’d been a crap shag, fuelling his fantasy.
Eventually I pushed him back and went down on him, because I knew that would end it.
"And while I was doing it…" Amy stopped.
She pressed her lips together, and when she continued her voice was quieter.
"I had this thought. It came from nowhere and I couldn't push it away.
I thought: who else has been here? Which other trainees have knelt exactly where I'm kneeling?
The two women who qualified into the department six months ago, they're both attractive… did they do exactly this? Was this just his smooth way of operating, the terrace, the drinks, the charm? Then, maybe worse… What if it was none of them? What if I’m the only one stupid enough and slutty enough to fall for this?
And suddenly I wasn't special, I wasn't even a conquest. I was just the latest notch on his bedpost. That's when I felt it turn, this wave of… grubbiness. I felt dirty.
"But I didn't stop. I wasn’t going to throw all my good work away. He finished, and I swallowed, because by then what difference did it make? The eager young trainee who swallowed… I figured that would fuel his ego. And then I smiled at him, playing at the me he’d want to see right then, and he stroked my hair. "
Amy's cheeks had gone red, and Sarah could tell it was embarrassment. She stopped and took a deep drink of her wine. Sarah realised that her own hands were trembling, feeling anger on Amy’s behalf for what she’d had to do just to compete in their workplace.
“Afterwards, he lay there on his back, content, and I lay in his arms. Sex twice and a blowjob from the pretty young trainee with the boyfriend. As far as he knew he’d made me orgasm three or four times. I imagine he felt like quite the man. Fantasy achieved.
“And then, I left. Had the embarrassment of walked around his bedroom naked while he watched, getting dressed in front of him. I could feel his eyes on every part of me… I suppose he felt entitled to one last look at what he’d got for his trouble.
He walked me to the door, didn’t put any clothes on, just naked.
He looked at me and said, ‘This was just tonight, understand?’ As if I had any intention of it being more than one night.
But I simply replied, ‘Yes, just tonight.’ He nodded and tried to kiss me but I turned my head away and turned it into a peck on the cheek…
I couldn’t keep up the pretence, not then, not after what I’d realised.
“I got a taxi home… one was coming past as I went outside, about three in the morning, my one piece of luck for the whole night. I got home, used most of a bottle of mouthwash to get the taste of him out of my mouth, then got into my cold bed and lay in the dark trying not to think about that fact that that man had been inside me, inside my mouth, had had his hands and his lips and his tongue everywhere…”
Amy stopped and pressed her lips together, breathing through her nose slowly, once, twice. When she continued her voice was quieter.
“And I thought: I will never forgive myself for this. But it’s done, and my career will be better for it. My qualification, always tainted by the knowledge that I’d been his whore for the night.”
The silence that followed was immense. Sarah was dimly aware of the background noise of the bar, but her focus was entirely on Amy who was herself looking down at her hands.
Sarah reached for her wine then stopped, because she wasn’t sure that she could hold the glass steady.
She realised that she was closer to tears, on Amy’s behalf, than she had been in years.
“Amy…” Sarah said eventually. Her voice caught and she had to swallow and start again. “Amy. It’s a small world we work in. I know exactly who he is. Ask me and I will end him. Anything you want me to do to make that right for you, I will.”
Amy looked up at Sarah, her gaze unwavering, and there was something in the look that made Sarah want to shrink away…
as if she was giving Sarah one final chance to see what was coming.
Sarah didn’t see it though. She was too deep into Amy’s story, too full of righteous fury on Amy’s behalf, too certain of her own position on the side of right.
“No, that wouldn’t be right. I was a consenting adult and part of it is simply woman sleeps with man then regrets it after.
Only part of it, mind you. Nowhere near all of it or even most of it, but certainly plenty of it.
No… I’ve told you my story,” Amy said quietly.
“And now I’d like to ask you my question. ”
“Of course,” Sarah replied. “Anything.”
Amy looked at her for a long few moments.
“How are you any different to him?”