Chapter Oaxaca
Oaxaca
But then she met Gabriela.
Gabriela was a lighting technician on a shoot in Oaxaca for a Mexican jewellery brand. Unlike the models and photographers Luisa typically worked with, Gabriela existed on the edges of fashion's glamour, one of the essential but often invisible people who made photoshoots possible.
Perhaps that was what drew Luisa to her.
.. the way that Gabriela was refreshingly different to so many other people she’d encountered in the industry.
She was thirty five, several inches shorter than Luisa, with a sturdy, practical build shaped by years of carrying heavy equipment rather than the mix of diet and exercise that lay behind models’ bodies.
Her face was pretty, warm brown eyes that crinkled at the corners when she smiled, a slightly crooked nose that suggested it had been broken once and healed without medical treatment, cute in an I’m entirely comfortable in who I am way.
Gabriela wore her dark hair cropped short, more for convenience Luisa suspected than style, and dressed for comfort in well-worn jeans and simple t-shirts that revealed arms corded with lean muscle and covered in tattoos.
She wore no makeup, no jewellery except a simple digital watch, nothing to call attention to herself.
In a world where everyone was constantly on show, Gabriela simply was.
During the shoots themselves, while models and photographers did their thing and she was supposed to fade into the background, she’d sit off to one side either reading an old paperback or sketching in a small notebook.
There was something refreshing about her complete lack of interest in being seen or admired, her focus on the work rather than the attention it might bring.
She was there to do her job and nothing more.
On the third day, when rain delayed an outdoor shoot, Luisa wandered over to where Gabriela was sitting under a canvas awning, curious about what she was drawing.
"Nothing special," Gabriela said, showing Luisa a page filled with sketches of the crew in various poses... a makeup artist checking her phone, a model napping in a chair. And in the corner was a small sketch of Luisa herself, captured in an unguarded moment.
"You're good," said Luisa, genuinely impressed. "Have you studied art?"
Gabriela laughed. "No, not formally. But I've been drawing since I was young, a sort of hobby." She looked around and then leaned closer to confide in Luisa. "It's all that keeps me sane on these jobs..."
Their conversation flowed easily, picked up again at lunch and again when they had another rain delay late afternoon.
It was so refreshing for Luisa to talk to someone without an agenda, with no politics or positioning or showing off as there was with the other models.
Gabriela talked about lighting in that way that someone who genuinely loves their job talks, her eyes lighting up as she explained exactly why she'd arranged the lighting for the indoor part of the shoot as she had.
"It's the light that tells the story," Gabriela explained. "Without the right light, everything else is just an object." Luisa thought back to some of her recent modelling experiences and realised she was right. It was the light, sometimes, that turned the normal into something special.
Two days later, when the shoot ended, Luisa found herself reluctant to say goodbye. On impulse she sought Gabriela out and suggested dinner. "Just to continue our conversations," Luisa had added, suddenly acutely aware of how the invitation might sound.
Gabriela smiled, a knowing smile that said that she understood exactly what Luisa meant, even if Luisa herself hadn't quite understood it yet. "I'd like that," she replied simply.
Dinner turned into drinks afterwards, drinks into a walk through Oaxaca's historic centre, the walk into a moment stood at a crossroads, Luisa's hotel five minutes in one direction and Gabriela's apartment five minutes in the other, where neither could quite bring themself to say goodbye.
After an awkward few moments Gabriela leaned in to kiss her and Luisa responded without hesitation. All she knew was that she wanted Gabriela, wanted her right then with every fibre of her being, desire and attraction that she'd not even realised all coalescing in that one moment.
The night that followed wasn't like Tulum and her night with Bel, lacking that almost supernatural connection and that sense of inevitability.
But it was close, really very close. Genuine connection at an emotional level, a genuine connection without expectation or agenda.
There was nothing performative, there was nothing to perform to.
It was just the two of them in the moment.
They ended up back in Gabriela's apartment, clothes flying off rapidly in their desperation to hold and touch each other.
Instead of the inevitable, subconscious mental comparison when with another model, seeing how their body matched up to hers, Luisa found that with Gabriela it was a journey of discovery, her body sturdy and soft in different places.
Luisa was stuck by how easily they communicated without words, reading each other's reactions, adjusting accordingly, finding a rhythm that felt natural.
When Gabriela's mouth started to kiss her way down Luisa's body, finding her way between Luisa's legs, Luisa found that the pleasure built with what she could only describe as an honesty that had been missing from so many encounters since Tulum.
.. pleasure because what Gabriela was doing to her was pleasurable, not pleasure because she felt like she needed to show she was enjoying herself.
"Is this good?" asked Gabriela, looking up at Luisa with genuine concern for her enjoyment, and the question itself, so simple and so attentive, intensified everything for her.
"Yes," Luisa moaned, breathless. "Please don't stop."
The orgasm built slowly, Gabriela paying close attention and making sure that it was neither too fast nor too slow, but when it peaked it hit unexpectedly hard, leaving Luisa shaking as the waves crashed through her, one moment begging Gabriela to stop and the next begging her to please, please keep going.
Luisa, after a little time to recover, pushed Gabriela on to her back and returned the favour, exploring her body with as much attention as Gabriela had shown to her.
Gabriela was more vocal than Luisa was used to but she appreciated it, finding the clear communication refreshingly straightforward after some of her partners who somehow expected her to have psychic powers when it came to what they wanted.
After a slow build up, Luisa was rewarded by the feel of Gabriela's back arching under her touch, of Gabriela's thighs clamping around her head and her hands holding on to Luisa's hair. Again, it felt so completely genuine, so authentic, and drove Luisa's desire for Gabriela through the roof.
Afterwards, much later and after both of them had climaxed several more times, lying in Gabriela's narrow bed, Luisa felt an unfamiliar contentment. It was what she’d been searching for since Bel… the simple pleasure of a deep and natural connection with someone else.
"You seem surprised," Gabriela grinned, propped up on one elbow, studying Luisa's expression.
"I am," Luisa admitted. "I didn't expect this."
Gabriela laughed and looked down her own sturdy, practical body. "I'm pretty sure I’m not your usual type..."
Luisa smiled back. "I think you might be now..." she teased as she laced her fingers with Gabriela's. "But this... it feels nice. Natural. Right." She paused. "Uncomplicated."
"Is it usually complicated?"
Good question, Luisa thought, a very good question.
It opened something within Luisa, a need to articulate what she'd been wondering but had never talked to anyone about over the last couple of years.
Over the next hour she opened up to Gabriela about everything, about Tulum and Bel, about her confusion, about what she'd been searching for ever since, about the good nights and the bad.
Not every detail, not even close, and she kept the names to herself, not wanting to make it awkward for Gabriela if she ever worked with any of them, but enough to convey the journey she'd been on.
Finally, Gabriela summarised it well. "So, you've been trying to decide if you're into women, or men, or both? Or whether you're into men really, and the other model in Tulum was a one off?"
"Yes," replied Luisa, relieved at how succinctly Gabriela had put it. "Exactly that."
"And now?"
"And now... I'd been wondering if I'd been experimenting with women because I felt I should, not because I wanted to.
That I'm a straight woman who had one amazing night with a woman, but it was an aberration.
" She paused and looked at Gabriela, blushing as she continued.
"I know, after tonight, that it wasn't just the model in Tulum.
I'm attracted to women as well as to men. "
Gabriela smiled. "That makes sense... I'm also kind of honoured." She paused. "It's not just about being straight or gay or bisexual. Do you think you might be pansexual?"
"Pansexual?" In all her searching it wasn't a term that Luisa had met before.
"The idea that sexuality for you doesn't reference gender, just the person. It kind of sounds right to me."
Luisa thought about that, rolling it around her mind.
Pansexual... that sounded about right if she was being honest. She was attracted to connection regardless of gender, in fact gender was completely irrelevant to her.
Gabriela could have been a man or a woman for all she cared, she'd have felt the same.
So, she realised, could Bel. It was irrelevant to her.
The realisation that there was a word for what she'd known for months if not years now was a relief, a huge weight off her shoulders. She knew what she was.
"Pansexual," she said out loud, testing the word out. "I'm pansexual," she repeated, smiling at Gabriela. "It sounds right."
Luisa ended up pushing her flights back and they spent two more nights together before Luisa returned to Mexico City.
There was no pretence of romance, no promises of continuation afterwards, just mutual enjoyment of each other's company and bodies.
When they parted, it was with genuine warmth but no expectations.
***
Back in her apartment in Mexico City, Luisa stood under the shower for a long time, letting hot water pour over her as she processed her experience with Gabriela. The physical satisfaction had been undeniable, different from that magical night with Bel but genuine and intense in its own way.
More significant was the emotional resonance, the connection she'd felt with Gabriela as a person, not as a vessel for trying to recreate what she had had with Bel, something she realised with a jolt could describe all of her other experiences with women over the two years since Tulum.
The conclusion was inescapable. Her interest in women wasn't about Bel specifically. This wasn't about the mysterious chemistry of that night in Tulum. This was about Luisa herself... about the fundamental truth of her sexuality that she'd been circling for years without fully acknowledging.
It explained everything, and gave Luisa immense reassurance about who she was and how to approach her life.
From that point onwards Luisa's approach changed.
On photoshoots and on nights out, if there was someone she felt a strong connection with, regardless of gender or status, she'd be open to something happening.
No more going back to another model's room because she felt she should, like she needed to experiment to find out who she was.
She knew who she was by then and didn't need another vaguely enjoyable night with her head buried between another model's legs to tell her that.
More than that, though, she was learning something else…
something that would help to define how her career progressed.
It was possible, she realised, to choose judiciously who you might be able to enter into a mutually beneficial relationship with, one where they got to date a model while she got to further her career.
Not like her bad experiences with the photographer or the executive, the idea of using her body simply to further her career was repugnant, but she could appreciate that if there was someone that there was genuine connection with and they could help her professionally it would be the best of both worlds.
***
Over the months that followed, her love life was quiet while her career really started to go places.
A new agent that she’d found through connections had been transformational, and suddenly Luisa found herself in demand for work all over North America, going regularly to California, to Florida, to New York as well as many places in between.
In New York she had a brief fling with a British make-up artist on one of her shoots, Olivia, another woman where the connection was real, cemented over weak beer in a bar somewhere in Brooklyn.
It had the potential to be something more, and they even travelled to visit each other a few times in the months that followed, but inevitably it fizzled out amicably when they couldn’t manage to get their schedules to match.
Whenever she was back in Mexico City she'd started to date a man she'd met, Carlos, someone involved in the industry but on the periphery, someone who understood that her life would take her frequently to exotic places and would potentially involve her seeing other people, and who accepted that.
Their relationship was casual, necessarily so, but certainly more than nothing even if it was far from ever being serious.
.. he became her go-to to go on dates with when she was back from her travels, a source of stability amidst the organised chaos of her professional life, and in between neither minded what the other got up to, it wasn't that sort of relationship.
They both knew that they would never move in together, never get married, never grow old together.
Maybe the best way to describe them was friends with benefits, but that didn't quite do it.
When they went out together they were a couple, but then between times it was almost like they didn't know each other, going weeks on end with barely a message exchanged between them.
Whatever it was it worked for her and it worked for him... and it had the added benefit that while he worked on the periphery he had influence, and could help progress her career, at least in Mexico, behind the scenes, something that she was eternally grateful for.