Chapter 33
Sarah
London
Sarah glanced around the wine bar, checking for the fifth time that it was right for what she had planned.
Busy without being too busy, a table that was private enough to talk without feeling visible or being overheard, the early autumn sunset streaming in through the tall windows at the front…
perfect, or at least it would have been if the situation itself was not very far from being perfect.
It had been three weeks now since Sarah had gone to Amy’s flat and made her commitment and tonight she was meeting Joanna, the last of her other four mentees, to say the same thing she’d said three times already.
So far, reactions had been mixed… Rebecca had been the best. She’d laughed and said she’d happily keep sleeping with Sarah whether there was mentoring or not, thank you very much. She’d been the first that Sarah had spoken to and that had given her a false hope that it would be easy.
Now, she knew otherwise.
The other two, Klara and Alice, Sarah didn’t want to revisit them.
Their reactions had shocked Sarah to her core.
She’d always assumed that they were as into the physical side as Sarah had been, but now she knew otherwise.
Anger, frustration, those had been the reactions and had brought home to Sarah the point that Amy had made…
that Sarah had taken advantage of the power imbalance, and had had an adverse impact on the other parts of their lives.
She felt ashamed not to have realised it before, but at least she knew now and she was determined to atone to both women as much as she could.
Now, it was Joanna’s turn… the last of the four, she’d been on holiday for a fortnight so this was the first chance they’d had to talk. Sarah crossed her fingers and prayed that this would be one of the good conversations rather than one of the bad.
***
While she waited, Sarah’s mind turned to Amy and the rest of their conversation that Wednesday afternoon three weeks before in Amy’s flat, right before Amy had flown to LA.
Talking to her mentees was the easy part. Amy’s challenge to her, to explain what a future for them might look like, that had been so much harder, so much so that she’d been unable to describe it last time she saw her.
She’d been struggling with it for the weeks since, right up until the weekend just gone when Hugo had suggested a last minute weekend away as a family.
The twins’ school had a few days off for staff training and, pushing the boundaries of school attendance a little, they’d booked a last minute long weekend in the sun, swapping the early Autumn weather of England for the still blistering heat of Dubai.
It was an extravagance, without a doubt, but it had been hard earned and the twins in particular had absolutely loved it, a hotel with a lavish buffet breakfast and dinner every day and its own water park… what wasn’t to love for a pair of six-year-olds?
There’d been a moment, on Sunday at the water park, watching Hugo waist deep in the pool with a twin under each arm, all three laughing so hard that they looked like they were struggling for breath, that Sarah had had two realisations… both of which had hit home hard.
The first was that her children mattered more than anything else in her life, more than her career, more than Amy, more than her own desires. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could compromise that.
And second… she realised that her and Hugo were performing a marriage for the twins’ benefit, and had been for longer than she wanted to admit. He was a good man, a wonderful father, and he deserved better than a wife who was going through the motions for him.
Neither realisation changed the holiday, and neither changed how she kept performing the marriage with Hugo…
that night, when the children were asleep, they’d done what they always did and, despite the fact that she knew she was into women, she’d enjoyed the attention he lavished on her.
Not as much as if it had been a woman, granted, but still, she’d appreciated it.
On the flight home on Monday afternoon, as the twins watched their third Disney movie, she’d understood the shape of her plan.
It wasn’t a plan to enact immediately, not rashly, not until there was something solid to go towards, but she could see now what leaving would look like.
Spend more time back out west, close to the school and their current house, close enough that the children’s lives wouldn’t be upended.
Let Hugo keep the house that he loved so much, downgrade the London flat and buy another home for her nearby, make it amicable…
two lovers who’d become just good friends, putting the children first and co-parenting still as much as possible.
The day-to-day would be different. She’d have to revise the career trajectory as less time in London would mean that while she could still do what she did she wouldn’t be able to chase promotions…
it would be an acceptance of her career flatlining, a necessary compromise because she’d be present more.
Actually be there, for school runs and bedtime and all of the things she currently missed.
It would mean a different life, less future money, less future status, and it would mean whoever she was with accepting that her geography was determined by her children, that London wouldn’t be the centre of things.
She thought about Amy, about whether a twenty-eight-year-old building her own career could want that kind of life, spending weekends out of London, and she honestly didn’t know.
But it was how it would look, because her and Hugo only worked at the moment because they were both making sacrifices for their marriage and, without the marriage, they would both need to do more of what the other currently gave.
Amy… would that appeal?
Sarah honestly didn’t know, but then in reality this was about more than Amy.
This was about anyone, about if Sarah ended up in a serious, long term relationship with another woman.
She’d like it to be with Amy, God would that be good, but Sarah hadn’t got to where she was without a healthy dose of both pragmatism and scepticism.
Over the three weeks since they’d last seen each other they’d kept in contact, of course, and not just professionally.
The messages had been cautious at first, inevitably after what had happened between them and the blunt conversations they’d shared, but as the three weeks had gone on it had got warmer.
What that said about Amy’s other situation with Luisa Sarah wouldn’t dare to guess, but what she did know was that Amy seemed as excited as Sarah that they had an evening together planned for next Wednesday, one where they could talk and, Sarah hoped, do more than talk afterwards…
it would be a month by then since James had walked in on them in bed together, and Sarah was desperate to do more than simply talk to Amy.
As far as she was concerned they had lost time to make up for.
***
Sarah saw Joanna come through the door and, after a moment scanning the room, see her and walk over to the table.
She’d come straight from work and had the slightly wrung out look of someone who’d come back from a fortnight away to realise that no one had quite covered her work in the way she’d hoped.
Sarah stood and they hugged briefly before sitting down.
“How was your holiday?”
“Good. Portugal. I needed it.” Joanna gratefully accepted as Sarah poured her a glass of wine. “I need this too.”
“Loving being back?”
“Don’t even go there…” Joanna replied, but her smile said she was relaxing already.
They chatted about Portugal for a while, then Sarah talked about Dubai, but after that Joanna leaned forward and looked intently at Sarah. “You mentioned in your message that you wanted to talk to me about something?”
Sarah nodded slowly, marshalling her thoughts. Fourth time it turned out was no easier than the first. “I wanted to talk about mentoring. Specifically… I need to change how things work between us.”
Joanna’s posture had stiffened a little, but she played it cool. “I’m listening.”
“We can keep the career side exactly the same. But… the other side of it, I need you to know that there’s no obligation. Not anymore.”
Joanna’s expression shifted. “The obligation?”
“The expectation. The idea that,” Sarah lowered her voice, “sleeping together is part of the deal. I want to take that off the table as a condition.” Sarah paused.
“If you want to keep seeing me like that, purely because you enjoy it and for no other reason, then that’s your choice and I’d be happy to.
But it can’t be tied to the mentoring any more. I’ve realised it’s not right.”
Joanna was quiet for a long moment. She took a sip of her wine then put the glass down carefully, her gaze never leaving Sarah.
“So you’re not ending things, you’re just… restructuring them?”
“I suppose so, yes.”
“And if I said I wanted to keep sleeping with you, nothing would change with the mentoring? You wouldn’t treat me differently? I wouldn’t get better opportunities at work?”
“Not at all. The mentoring is based on your talent, Joanna. It always has been.”
Joanna scoffed, and Sarah’s heart sank. “Bullshit.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Bullshit. Both of us always knew the deal. You mentor me because you know I’m good and you can help me with a little nudge here or there, but you’d never have mentored me if I didn’t let you fuck me.”
Sarah took a conciliatory tone. “Yes. And that was wrong.”
Another long silence. Sarah could see Joanna processing, her expression shifting, and then settling on something that surprised Sarah… not relief, not anger, but more like a deep weariness.
“I don’t want to keep sleeping with you.
I never wanted to sleep with you.” Joanna shook her head.
“Sarah, I’m straight, I’ve always been straight.
It was…” She shrugged. “I guess kind of cool in a ‘tick off a life experience’ sort of way at first, but…” Joanna shrugged.
“It was transactional. It was something I did because the career benefits were worth it, and because you made it feel like it was just part of the package. But I never wanted it for its own sake.”
Sarah forced herself to sit and listen calmly, even as the words hit like a slap to the face.
She’d assumed… God, she’d assumed so much.
She’d told herself that her mentees enjoyed the arrangement, that the attraction was mutual, that the sex was a thrilling bonus for them rather than a cost. And here was Joanna, calmly telling her that she’d been enduring it, just like Klara and Alice before.
“I didn’t… I’m sorry, I didn’t know that,” Sarah said.
“I know you didn’t. You never asked.” Joanna’s voice wasn’t angry, just tired.
“And honestly, I wouldn’t have told you if you had.
Because what would have happened? You’d have ended the mentoring, and I needed the mentoring.
So I kept showing up when you told me, let you tie me up and I kept doing what was expected. I told myself it was a fair trade.”
Amy’s voice echoed in Sarah’s head. Would any of those women have slept with you without the leverage of your mentoring?
“There’s something else,” Joanna said, and Sarah could see that she wasn’t holding back now, that it was all flooding out.
“You’ve cost me two relationships over this.
Two good men, Sarah. I couldn’t juggle either of them with this and I had to choose between seeing you for my career or seeing them. ” She shook her head. “What a waste.”
“I’m so sorry, Joanna. I genuinely didn’t…”
“I know. And I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty. I’m telling you because you need to know. You’re saying this to all your mentees?”
“Yes.”
Joanna took another long drink of her wine.
“Good. Whatever made you see this… good.” Joanna seemed to gather herself, straightening in her chair.
“The mentoring, I’d like to continue. You’ve been genuinely brilliant for my career and I don’t want to throw that away.
But the rest of it… I’d like to just be colleagues who respect each other. Can we do that?”
“Absolutely. Yes.”
“Ok then.” Joanna finished her wine in one long drink and reached for her bag.
“I need to go. Early start and… one of those two guys, I’m going to see if he wants to meet for a drink.
” She stood, then paused, looking down at Sarah.
“For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re a bad person.
I think you’ve simply slipped into the trap of convincing yourself that what worked for you worked for everyone.
It didn’t, but the fact that you’re fixing it now counts for something. ”
She looked down, and seemed on the verge of saying something more. Then she turned and was gone.
Sarah sat there alone, half a bottle of wine left, with just her thoughts for company.