Chapter 51
Amy
Amalfi
Amy took a sip of her red wine, feeling it calm her emotions. Not that there wasn’t a lot still racing through her head, but the immediate reactions, the shock, the jealousy, the occasional flashes of anger, they’d subsided for now.
The hotel that she’d gone to had been nice, quite old fashioned, a small room but with a big bed, characterful, clean, stylish. In any other circumstances it would have been a pleasure, but not so much that night.
Now, an hour on from when she’d left Luisa’s room in such a rush, she was sat, her phone switched off, not daring to turn it on again.
Initially she’d turned it off because she didn’t trust herself not to say something she’d regret, something she couldn’t take back.
But now that she was calm she was terrified of turning it back on not because she didn’t want to speak to Luisa, but from the fear that Luisa hadn’t wanted to speak to her.
What if there had been no missed calls? No desperate answer phone messages? No exclamations of her undying love for Amy?
What if she’d just shrugged and gone back to bed with that other woman? The thought that she might next see Luisa tomorrow, after her night with the other woman, filled Amy with terror, and she was too scared to find out which was true.
The bar she was in was small, on a side street, and Amy had sat herself at a table outside, just her in the semi-dark and her glass of wine.
She sat and watched… watched people at other tables, watched families out taking the evening air, watched the life of the town go on around her. But at that moment she felt alone.
Then… she saw her. Luisa, walking fast round the corner, phone to her ear and then putting it down and saying something that made her glad she couldn’t lip read in Spanish.
Amy’s heart leapt at the sight of her, the joy that she’d come to find Amy rather than stay with the other woman eclipsing everything else at that moment, and then Luisa saw her too…
The look, that initial look that Luisa gave her when their eyes met, was one of fear. She looked scared, lost. She looked like she needed a hug.
Amy stood and smiled, not a broad smile, not a happy smile, but a conciliatory smile, one that said no matter what just happened, what I just saw, I want to be with you right now. A smile that invited her to come over.
Luisa smiled back, the same kind of smile, and walked over slowly until she was stood in front of Amy next to her table.
They looked at each other for a few moments, then Amy said, “My hoodie looks good on you…” Luisa broke into a grin and started to cry at the same time, Amy too, and then Luisa stepped closer and hugged her, held her tight, both saying to each other, “I’m sorry,” and, “I love you,” quietly again and again while their tears fell.
What the other patrons made of this Amy didn’t know, and in all honesty she didn’t care either. Luisa had chosen her, and in that moment that was all that mattered.
***
When they finally parted Amy suggested they have a drink, and Luisa happily agreed.
Glasses of wine in front of them, the background buzz of conversations around, they looked at each other across the table.
They were sat close, it was intimate, but Amy knew that there was a difficult conversation to have.
As, it seemed, did Luisa, who said, “I think we need to be honest with each other. If we really do love each other we owe it to ourselves.”
Amy nodded. “Yeah, we do. Where do we start?”
Luisa took a deep breath. “She’s called Bel.
” Amy felt her stomach tighten at knowing the other woman’s name but only nodded.
She took Luisa’s hand across the table, wanting to reassure her that the truth was good.
“It wasn’t our first time, we go back years.
” Amy’s grip tightened involuntarily, and Luisa must have felt it, adding quickly, “But not in any sort of relationship. Just… casually. On location.”
Luisa stopped talking and was looking at Amy while Amy processed that new information.
Amy nodded her understanding, and said, “Thank you, I… appreciate your honesty.” She paused. “My turn I guess. I slept with Sarah last night. I feel bad telling you it, but I did.”
She paused to let Luisa get over the initial shock, braced herself for a reaction, but Luisa simply shrugged and said, “I know.”
Amy sat back in surprise. “You know? How?” She was genuinely surprised, not sure how Luisa could know, but then also faintly alarmed at herself that she could think that she’d conceal something from Luisa. It didn’t feel right.
Luisa looked sheepish. “Her message to you on Wednesday morning. The phone was on the bed when you went in the shower and the message popped up, I looked at it instinctively thinking it was my phone and it was there. Not much doubt.”
“You read my messages?” asked Amy cautiously, but with a word of warning creeping into her voice. That was a line they shouldn’t cross.
“No.” Luisa sighed. “I was tempted, but I knew it was a bad idea. I only saw that message because your phone was lying there. It… concerned me.”
Amy took a sip of her drink. “I understand.”
“And then, when I got your message at two this morning. Hours after I’d sent you one and hours after you would have gone to bed normally, I knew. I’d hoped I’d misunderstood, but that proved that I hadn’t. It… affected me. I was, I suppose, upset.”
“I’m sorry… I really am,” replied Amy. “That was… not how to find out.”
“But it’s ok, I suppose. I shouldn’t have been upset. We’re in an open relationship. I just hadn’t realised what it would feel like, being far away and knowing that you and her were… doing things together. I was jealous.”
Amy and Luisa looked at each other for a long moment, hand still in hand but it felt like there was tension there, understandably.
Finally, Amy said, “Is that why you were with, what’s her name, Bel tonight?” Luisa laughed, and Amy was confused yet pleased to see that, needed to see that. “What’s so funny?”
“No, not directly… that was such a man’s question, that’s what was so funny.
No I wasn't with Bel just because of you. Not directly anyway. She wasn’t my revenge fuck.
Bel is just someone that, well, it’s complicated.
All your thing with Sarah did was give me permission, I guess, made me understand our dynamic better that we do things like that. ”
Amy looked at her and said quietly, “I think we need to change that dynamic. It doesn’t feel quite right now like it did at first.”
Luisa gave her hand a squeeze. “I’m so happy to hear you say that. So do I, absolutely.” She paused. “I feel like after the last few weeks this is serious between us. But I also…” She hesitated and then stopped.
“What?”
“I’m lost.” Luisa shrugged, and her expression was vulnerable.
“I have very strong feelings for you, stronger than I’ve ever had for anyone before.
I told you I love you, and I do. I’ve never felt like this.
But… I’ve not had many proper relationships.
I don’t know what I’m doing. And there’s so much we don’t know about each other still.
I wonder if… I should have kept that I love you to myself for a while longer. ”
Amy shook her head emphatically. “Don’t. I mean, yes, that was pretty fast to get to that point, but I feel it too. There’s a connection between us that just… I guess, just is.” She paused and flashed a shy grin. “You’re not saying you actually don’t love me?”
“I love you more than ever!”
Amy smiled. “I love you too, more than ever.” She paused. “We’ll work this out.”
“We will,” Luisa replied quietly. “We really will.”
They sat silently for a few minutes, enjoying each other’s company while they sipped their wine.
Finally, Luisa said, “I’m starving. I haven’t eaten, shall we see if they do any food?”
It turned out they did, and as they waited for it to come they started to talk, really talk, more than they ever had before.
“I think we need to get it all out in the open,” Luisa said, and Amy wholeheartedly agreed.
“How far back do we go?”
“Not all our lives, that would be crazy. But how about we talk about Sarah and about Bel, make sure we’ve both got no secrets there. And anyone else there might be at the moment, then… why don’t we draw a line there? That seems sensible, from the point when we said we love each other.”
“That sounds fair. So who goes first?”
They looked at each other, smiling, neither wanting to, and then Amy said, “Tell me about Bel.”
Luisa nodded. “Ok…” She took a deep breath. “I’ve never told anyone about her. You’ll be the first.” She looked down and Amy could tell that she was trying to get her thoughts lined up. “I first met her when I was starting out, eighteen-years-old on my first big shoot. She was twenty…”
And Luisa told Amy everything, visibly relaxing as she did, like a weight off her shoulders that she’d not even known she was carrying.
She talked about how Bel had taken her under her wing, how she’d been the one constant in her whole career and the one person that didn’t want or demand anything from her, how she was a consummate professional and the one fellow model that Luisa respected above everyone else.
And then she talked about the attraction they had, how they always ended up in bed together, how it happened regardless of if either of them had a boyfriend or girlfriend, how neither of them could ever say no, she told it all.
Amy sat and listened, hand in hand, and asked the occasional question but not many. Mainly she let Luisa talk.
Finally, Luisa talked about her love life, the fact that she hadn’t been in a proper relationship for eight years and was terrified she’d screw this up, the occasional times still that for her career she might end up needing to blur professional and personal boundaries with someone, the presence of Julian, her casual ‘not-boyfriend’ in LA, she covered everything.
As Luisa talked Amy realised that she was understanding her better and better, and liking her more and more. There was a raw honesty to her that she respected.
When Luisa had finished, finally, she said, “And that is Bel and, well, everything else.” She paused. “I’m sorry you met her like that, that doesn’t feel right. My life is complicated.”
Amy smiled reassuringly. “That’s ok. I’ve got a question for you…
do you want that all to continue? What you and Bel have sounds unique, and I understand the professional challenge you might have from time to time…
my world isn’t entirely dissimilar. And it sounds like you value what you have with Julian.
It isn’t a loaded question, we can make room in you and me for all of that, so long as we’re open and honest about it with each other. ”
Luisa sat looking at Amy for an age, a serious expression on her face.
Finally, hesitantly, she said, "Bel was the first person who made me feel like I belonged in the industry, and there's always been this.
.. understanding. We connect physically when we're in the same place but it's never bled into the rest of our lives. I mean she lives in London, we’ve never socialised, never seen each other outside of work.
It's just two professionals with a shared past and a very specific kind of chemistry. "
"That's sounds like a yes with Bel..." Amy teased. It sounds pretty hot was the part she didn't say, thinking of the parallels to her and Sarah.
“I think I might, it's maybe a yes. Julian, we can discuss another time. And the other professional things, we can talk about if it ever comes up but first… tell me about Sarah. I think talking about what’s ok and not needs to be two way, so it’s your turn.”
Amy nodded. “That’s fair. So, where to begin with Sarah…”