CHAPTER TWENTY #4
His head continued thrashing against his pillow, and the moonlight filtering through the crack in his drawn curtains illuminated the bead of sweat sliding down his temple. In fact, almost his whole tank top was covered in sweat.
“No. Please— No.” He grunted, then bowed his back off the bed, and tears collected in my eyes as the sounds of his screams from the past muffled all other sounds.
His face on fire . . . His immense fear . . . No.
I blinked away the image and shook his shoulder again. “Zach. Zach, you’re okay. You’re just dreaming. Wake up.”
“No. Please— Stop. Stop!”
“Zach, please wake—”
“NO!” His eyes snapped open, and he grabbed my neck with his hand, squeezing hard as he sat up.
“Zach— Zach, stop.” I gripped his hand, struggling for air as his pressure tightened. “S-Stop!”
His eyes were two pools of raw darkness, and I wasn’t even sure if he was aware of what he was doing, as though he was still in his dream, still held captive.
“Don’t touch me!” He wasn’t even seeing me, increasing his grip, and panic kicked in.
I dug my nails into his hand, raising the other to hit his shoulder to release me. “Zach, I can’t— Can’t breathe!” His fingers tightened even more. “I can’t breathe!”
He blinked, and his eyes widened as he looked at where he held me. He ripped his hand off my neck and took me in, his chest moving on quick breaths. His gaze started clearing, but before long, his brows slashed into a frown.
He grabbed me by the wrists, yanking me against him. “What are you doing here?”
“You were screaming. I came to help.”
“Help? Help?” he spat out, shaking me. “It’s because of you that I have these nightmares. It’s you I see in them. It’s always you. Always your cruel face and eyes. You did this to me. You ruined me.”
My heart contracted with sharp pain, and what made it worse was seeing tears well up in his eyes. He was so damaged, still reliving the pain and horror as if it were happening now, and I hated myself for causing it.
My own tears spilled down my cheeks, my voice cracking.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” More tears poured out, tremors wracking my body.
“I’m so sorry, Zach. I wish I could do something.
Anything to help you and make it right.” My hand went to his scar on his face before I could think better of it, and I palmed it, finally doing what I’d wanted all this time.
He went all tense, inhaling a quick breath. For a terrifying moment, I thought he would lash out at me for touching his scar, but he didn’t move or say anything, and my pulse went haywire. He’s allowing me to touch him.
“I’m so sorry.” My fingers trailed the length of his scar in a soft caress, and I held my breath as I felt the slightly rough texture of his skin, wanting to pepper it with kisses. I could swear his eyes fluttered closed for a second, and it was all I could do not to lean in and kiss his scar.
“I know you can’t stand to watch me,” I whispered.
“I know I probably remind you of that horror. I wish I could erase it. I wish you didn’t have to suffer through it over and over.
” More tears slid down my cheeks, and my chest tightened as he shifted his full attention to them, tracing each one of them with his gaze.
“Did you want it to happen? Did you want me to catch fire?”
I took a sharp breath, my stomach twisting hard. I shook my head fervently. “Never. I never wanted that. I swear.”
His eyes flared, and he released one of my wrists to thread his fingers through my hair. “You sound so sincere. You shouldn’t sound so fucking sincere.”
My chest rose on a shuddering exhale.
His fingers tightened in my hair, and he pulled me in. I gasped when he kissed away one tear, then another, his scent wrapping around me in its intoxicating potency. He groaned, his fingers twitching in my hair as he cursed under his breath.
“Are these tears for me or for you?”
My pulse fluttered. “Both.”
His brows pinched. “Fuck.” Without warning, he grabbed my hips and picked me up, depositing me over him so that I had no choice but to straddle him. His thick length pressed into my pussy, and I inhaled a sharp breath.
“Zach.”
He thrust against me, and I almost threw my head back, my eyes rolling back in pleasure.
“Zach, we can’t—”
He thrust against me again. “You said you wanted to help. To make it right. This is the least you can do.”
My protest died on my lips. He was right.
Giving in to his demand would be letting him win again, but I thought of the darkness that was in his gaze just a minute ago and knew that right now, I would do anything to erase it, even let him use his trauma to get what he wanted because I couldn’t stand seeing him hurt.
I couldn’t do anything against the guilt and remorse plaguing me and demanding me to do something, to atone.
There was no atoning here, and I knew I was going to regret this come morning, but it didn’t matter now.
I relaxed against him, and it was all he needed. Before I knew it, my shorts and panties were torn in two, and then he moved farther under me, making me sit right on his face.
“Oh my God.” I shuddered as his tongue thrust inside me, and all I could do was grab the headboard and moan.
Zach’s tongue probed and rolled over my heated flesh, and it was like he knew exactly how I liked it and where I was most sensitive.
With each flick of his tongue, more pleasure pooled inside me, and I could feel myself making a mess out of his face.
He seemed to like it, because the wetter I got, the more ferocious his mouth became, and my hips started moving of their own accord, demanding more.
He growled and dug his fingers into my ass cheeks, wringing pleasure out of me that seared all my senses, and I lost myself to it, coming hard on a long moan.
“Fuck, Blair.” He slipped from underneath me and moved to sit on his haunches behind me.
He raised my hips to him and nestled his dick against my ass, right as the last shudders of my orgasm passed through me.
His hand grabbed my hair to twist my head around, and his mouth clashed against mine, his tongue demanding access.
I arched against him and kissed him back with all the need I felt for him, drowning in the feel of him.
The kiss turned more feral, more demanding, more filled with want and all the things neither of us should be feeling. He ground against me faster and faster, his hand gripping my hip so hard I was probably going to see a bruise there tomorrow, our bodies growing hotter.
Breaking our contact briefly, he reached for something in his desk drawer, and then I heard him open a condom package with his teeth. He pushed me so that I was on all fours, slid the condom on, and thrust all the way into me.
“Ahhh, Zach!” I buckled against him, gripping the sheets with my hands.
“Yeah, baby.” He grunted and pulled out until only his tip remained in me, then slammed back inside, producing an almost unbearable pleasure.
“So fucking good.” He did it again, and this time, I had to bury my face in the sheets, stifling my scream.
“No, don’t suppress it. I want everyone to hear you.
” He gripped my hair, lifting my face off the mattress.
He rammed into me again, but this time, he went even deeper, and I screamed before I could even try to stop it.
“I can’t, Zach. They will know—”
“You said in one of your videos that you wish your world wasn’t so black and white. You wanted it gray.”
My eyes widened. He remembered another one of my videos. What else did he remember? How many videos had he watched?
“So let them hear how much you love this. How you’re not as ‘prim and proper’ as they want you to be.
Let them know how much you love when I’m owning you like this.
” His thrusts became harder, deeper, reaching every single inch of me, and they, along with his words, chased away the last traces of self-consciousness or concern. I could only feel.
“Does it feel good, baby? Tell me,” he demanded.
“Yes.”
“I want to see it on your face.” He pulled out and spun me around, making me straddle his lap, then slipped right back inside me.
I cried out, my nails digging into his shoulders as our gazes held. He pumped into me, his hands supporting me under my ass as he went for an even deeper angle, and I felt I was going to come again any second.
His eyes were molten desire as he studied my every expression, and I felt so sexy, so wanted. He yanked my top up and bent his head, wrapping his mouth around my nipple.
I screamed his name, my pussy swelling around him.
“Oh God. Don’t stop.”
He suckled my nipple while he moved his hand between our bodies, and I felt like going crazy as he started rubbing my clit, his thrusts becoming harder.
“Are you going to come, baby? Are you going to come all over my cock?”
I was almost there, heat accumulating from deep within me fast. “Yes. Fuck.”
“Then come.” He hit a spot deep within me, his fingers stroking my clit faster, and I came hard, biting into his shoulder as pleasure wracked my body.
“That’s it. God, you feel so good when you come on my cock.” He pounded even harder into me, and despite wanting him to come, I also wanted this to last. I wanted us joined like this forever. I wanted the hate to stop. I wanted . . . I wanted . . .
He buried himself deep and finished. He clamped his arms around me and leaned his head against my shoulder like he never wanted to let me go, and I came again, holding him like he was my lifeline.
And I knew. I wanted this to be real. I wanted this over and over, while knowing he was mine and I was his.
He pulled away from me, and pain surged through me, coldness pooling at places where we’d touched.
No, this wouldn’t ever be real. I wasn’t his, nor was he mine.
I was sure that now that the moment was over, he would want me out of his room as soon as possible, so I didn’t waste time leaving his bed and picking up my now ruined shorts and underwear from the floor.
I’d have to go half-naked back to my room.
But that was the lesser of my worries as I looked back at him and found him watching me with an expression I couldn’t decipher, the condom already in the trash can by his bed.
Not wanting to engage with him, I moved silently for the door.
“Why did you come here wanting to help me?”
I stopped with my hand on the door handle, remaining with my back to him. “You were suffering. I had to do something to make it stop.”
“Why?” I felt him move behind me, and I shivered as he stopped right against me, his head bending. The strands of his hair tickled my shoulder. “You could’ve left me suffer. I’m your enemy.”
I wasn’t nearly ready to answer that—not to him and certainly not to myself—so I just said, “I’ve already made you suffer enough.
” Before he could reply or possibly stop me, I unlocked the door and stepped out, noting with relief that there wasn’t anyone in the hallway.
I made my way back to my room before anyone could spot me.