Chapter 16
It’s not a Christmas party , she said, but the place was decked to the halls with fa la la, dark green, gold, and white. Cressmann City founding event, or some nonsense rich people came up with to get drunk and flaunt their money. Fine, whatever. It meant free food for me.
Savannah was off somewhere, being pulled in a dozen directions. Percy couldn’t make it tonight, so here I was, mingling and searching for a certain rich boy I wanted another taste of. Luke said he’d be here, but so far, I’d not found him.
After a handful of these, I’d lost the nervous energy that usually came with being outside my comfort zone. I wasn’t quite ready to rub elbows with these yahoos, but I didn’t mind winding my way between them as much anymore.
It was a system, really, a process. I grabbed a small plate of food, looked busy, canvassing once in the shape of an X across the room, then got a drink.
The next round was a circle around the outer edges.
Then a small circle with hands in my pockets.
Rinse and repeat if needed. Savannah found me when she could, otherwise, it was just me.
Kind of odd, honestly. With so much family, I’d never been in crowds like this without knowing half of them and being related to the other half.
When I’d nearly finished my inner ring of moseying around, a shrill laugh and a name drop caught my attention.
“Good heavens, Margaret, I can assure you, Luke is very much interested in Georgina. I’ve all but cleared my calendar for June.”
“A June wedding? That’s presumptuous.”
Oh, do tell. I peeked around a shoulder, and sure enough, Luke’s momma stood, draped in sparkles, champagne flute in hand, smiling and spilling the tea.
“I know my son. He’s planning for a New Year’s proposal.”
“I heard they haven’t even been on a date yet.”
I heard he’s gay.
“Of course they have,” Mrs. Dorset, aka clueless, said. “The pair were at my house for an intimate dinner just last night.”
What was that now? Luke had mentioned dinner with his parents, something he dreaded for good reason, but he hadn’t mentioned a date along with the first course.
Over the last week, I’d been testing my limits with texts and memes.
Luke didn’t seem to mind. He answered when he could and always explained when he couldn’t.
The gravity of what I’d signed on for hadn’t been fully understood when I’d so eagerly agreed.
Our time together would be restricted and private.
Anything in social settings such as this would be colder than friendly.
I got it.
Not that I’d ever come out formally or anything, but I’d been there, watching a few of my friends struggle with it. This, though, wasn’t easy.
As much as I wanted to tell this woman off the same as I did her husband, I didn’t actually know what happened with Georgina last night.
Fuck.
“Good evening, Mother.”
Luke. Double fuck.
“Finally, darling, what kept you?”
I peeked around the same shoulder just as Luke lowered to kiss his momma’s cheek. I spun, keeping my back to them but staying close enough to eavesdrop.
Jesus, he was as fine as ever. One dangerous man, that was for sure. I had no idea what came over me last Sunday, or even in the club, for that matter. The guys had joked about me being a dom, but shit, maybe I was.
Having so many younger cousins and siblings, I’d taken the lead more than I could count.
I was comfortable there, but hell, I didn’t reckon I’d be the same when it came to naughty bits.
I wasn’t huge like Wren or Michael. Those two screamed top energy.
Maybe it wasn’t about size at all but attitude.
I’d told Luke the truth about him doing something, and it spoke to me. Maybe a change in his voice or breathing, but it clicked inside me, and I had to make it all better for him. I had to push because he wanted to give in.
“Ladies,” Luke greeted the others, either ignoring his momma or I’d missed the explanation.
“Lovely to see you, Luke. Your mother was just telling us about your plans with Georgina.”
“Oh?” Luke asked. Not correcting the speaker, I might add.
Clueless laughed again. “Don’t be coy, Luke. It’s unbecoming in a man. Of course things with you and Georgina are progressing.”
Unbecoming? The hell it was. When Luke blushed in that haunting shade of pink, I couldn’t get it out of my head.
“We’ve—spoken,” Luke said.
I rolled my eyes, hating rich folk vernacular.
“Georgina’s mother and I are in constant talks. We’re thinking the Grand Bohemian for the venue.”
“Mother …” Luke sighed.
“Oh, that’s lovely, Elizabeth. I went to two weddings there last year. They really know what they’re doing.”
“We’re planning something special during the proposal at our New Year’s Eve party.”
This woman … I waited for Luke to contradict her. He wouldn’t come out, not that, but he could at least have some say over who he married, right? This wasn’t the eighteenth century.
Only he didn’t. The women clucked on with ideas and speculation, and Luke said nothing.
Before I could stop myself, I turned, ready to put in my own two cents, but his misery kept me speechless. Head bowed slightly, jaw muscles ticking, and hands fisted. He hated this, but why didn’t he say anything?
The crowd around us swayed, and he lifted his chin, eyes clashing with mine. Luke paled, blinked, and shook his head so imperceptibly I nearly missed it.
What? Did he think I’d out him? Cause a scene?
“Excuse me, Mother,” he whispered and stormed off.
Triple fuck.
I waited only a second, then gave chase. His dark head rushed by several who turned and greeted him, but he flew like the wind, not breaking at the outer edge, not breaking as he crossed the threshold of the ballroom.
Dammit. Forgetting all propriety, I ran after him, thankful I was a big nobody who went unnoticed.
“Luke,” I called when he was only ten feet from me. Less than a handful of hotel staff wandered the hallway, otherwise, it was empty of any guests.
He halted but kept his back to me. The family restroom was just ahead.
I made a beeline for it, placing my hand on the small of his back and forcing him to move with me.
It was unoccupied, thank fuck. I wrenched open the door and pushed him, not stopping in momentum until we were alone and the door was locked.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
Still with his back to me, Luke shook his head, then sighed. “I don’t know how to do this.”
I came around him and brushed his jaw with my fingertips. “Do what? Talk to me.” My hand shook where it grazed under his chin. Was this secret we now shared too much for him?
Luke grabbed my fingers and placed them flat on his cold cheek. He closed his eyes and nuzzled into my hand. “I don’t know how to act around you out there.”
I cupped the other side with my free hand. “Baby, you don’t have to worry about that. Act how you always have. I shouldn’t have been so close, but I was eavesdropping on your pleasure of a momma before you arrived.”
He opened his eyes. “You’re not mad?”
“Well, are you planning on proposing to Georgina?”
He shook his head.
“Then I’m not mad.”
Luke smiled, but the faint gesture died swiftly. “I don’t remember this lie being so exhausting.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” He pulled my hands from his face but kept hold of them. “I mean, slightly your fault, but I’m not blaming you. This was my making; I’m just not sure how to get out of it.”
“Coming out isn’t an option?”
Luke huffed. “Honestly, they wouldn’t like it but being gay might not be the worst. My parents are all about image. Georgina is only the right woman because of who her parents are.”
“Right.” I nodded. “And I’m nothing to shake a stick at.”
“You are to me.”
“And still not enough.”
Luke dipped his chin without denying my words. A resounding confirmation if I ever heard one. He turned his back on me again, then leaned against the sink cabinet.
“What happened at that dinner?”
He stared at his shoes until I spun him around with a hand at his shoulder. He stumbled his ass onto the counter, half leaning and half sitting. I stepped between his spread feet, cupping his jaw with both hands and lifting his head until he looked at me.
“Hey,” I said, softer. “Tell me. What happened?”
Luke caught one of my hands in his. I thought he might push me away with it, but he brought it to his mouth and kissed my fingers.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“For what?”
He closed his eyes. “I’m not right for you, Asher.”
My heart banged hard against my ribs, but I kept my composure and waited. Surely, this was stress. Surely, he’d talk himself in circles before he remembered how good we were. Don’t fuckin’ do this, Luke.
Warm breath fanned over my knuckles when he spoke again. “The dinner reminded me of it, reminded me I couldn’t do this, that I shouldn’t do this to you.”
“No. I don’t believe that. You mean I’m not right for you.” I yanked my hand out of his. “I’m too young. My family doesn’t have enough money. I’ve got a dick instead of a cunt. Don’t be a fuckin’ martyr. Tell me the truth. It’s me.”
Luke straightened, and I backed up a step. “No, it’s me, goddammit. I’m weak. You deserve more.”
I shook my head.
“I lack the courage to be with you.” He reached out and gripped my face so suddenly, I startled. “You’re young and beautiful. You need a long life with someone who will proudly show you off. I’m quicksand. My family drags me down every day, and I won’t take you with me.”
“Don’t say that,” I whispered, still shaking my head. “I said I would hide with you. I agreed, remember, because you’re worth trying for. If you can get over our differences, then don’t tell me I can’t because I can.”
He pressed his forehead to mine and backed me up another step. “Why? I’m fifteen years older. I’m closeted. I’m a stuffed shirt.”
I fisted his lapel, crinkling it to hell and back, but I wasn’t going to let him push me away.
“No. Don’t do that. That’s the sort of bullshit that doesn’t matter.
” I placed my palm flat over his heart, then my own.
“You and me, we’ve got something. I know you feel it.
We had fuckin’ movie sparks the first time we met. That’s what matters.”
“You think so? That’s enough?”
I reared back. “Enough?” Fuck his parents. How could I make him see?
He silently begged with wet eyes to give him something, a lifeline, a vine to grasp, to pull himself out of the darkness.
“Hell yeah, baby, it’s everything. All the things. You know it is. We connected even when we lied to each other. Don’t you see? That’s something right there. Kismet or whatever. Fuckin’ providence.”
Luke chuckled, and his expression changed from one of longing for understanding, for acceptance, to hope.
“Some higher power put us in that hallway, and we did the rest. We couldn’t help ourselves because we make so much sense. So yeah, shit yeah, it’s enough.” I laced my hands with his. “It’s all we need.”
He exhaled slowly and set his forehead on my shoulder. “I need a reset button.” Then, in a sad whisper, he said, “My parents are poison. I hate being around them. I hate how they linger in my head.”
I fiddled with the button on his jacket. “I know, so let me reset you. Let me fill your mind with better things.”
“You’re so sure about me? About us?” he asked.
I nodded, brushing my lips over his temple. “I’ll show you how sure I am.”
Luke stayed still as I got his jacket undone, but when I smoothed my hand over the soft swell behind his trousers, he stopped me with a tight grip on my wrist.
“We can’t,” he whispered.
“Says who?”
He glanced at the locked door. “There’s a ballroom full of people out there.”
“Yeah.” I smirked. “Which means they ain’t in here.” His hold loosened, and I pressed my palm harder against him. “You need this. Let me remind you how good we are.”