Chapter 19
“What’s this?” Daddy jerked his head toward the papers he held and kept his glare aimed at me across the dinner table. Surprisingly, he’d joined us tonight.
So many smart-ass remarks flew into my mouth, but I kept it shut so they wouldn’t fly out.
From our distance, there was no way I could read the words.
My fuse was short and still smoking from yesterday.
Jack fucking with my head and body, then whatever that was with Trent after school.
Jack didn’t lose his cool. Ever. Well, except the one time he’d punched me, but details …
Top all that with the very annoying reality of Sasha.
She wouldn’t quit. Every day, I had to remind myself not to block her texts, or she’d get worse.
She hadn’t shown up at my house again, but she kept hounding me about who I was seeing, that I couldn’t have broken up with her—in the rare moments she acknowledged it—just because. There had to be someone else.
I felt sorry for all the girls whose names she’d thrown out, her suspects, but she was way off the mark. Even if I had no clue what his dick rubbing all over my ass meant to Jack, the fact was I liked it, just as he’d accused.
No girl had come between Sasha and me. And frankly, no guy either. There was no one to blame, which she couldn’t understand. We just didn’t belong together. Simple as that.
With all that drama hanging over my neck like a dull axe, now this?
I shrugged. “Not sure. I can’t read it from here.”
“These are college registration details, timelines, and campus information. Georgia.” Daddy slammed the top page onto the dining room table, making Cara jump. “Alabama. Duke. MIT.” With each college, he slapped the paper on top of another.
How did he … “You’re readin’ my emails?”
“Why’re you interested in applying to colleges you aren’t attending?”
My temper shot high and hot like a geyser. Daddy wasn’t aware of the last few weeks I’d been through—no one in my family was—but that didn’t stop the fed-up emotions from pitching me over the wall I kept my anger locked behind.
“Who says I’m not?”
Daddy’s disapproving frown deepened. “You’ll answer me, Cal, and drop the attitude when you do. After the trouble you’ve caused, you think these schools will accept you? After the disrespect, you think you’re gonna move across the country and waste my money on it?”
Whoa. The fuck? Disrespect? Shouldn’t respect run both ways?
“Besides,” Daddy added, “we talked about this. You’re going to a school closer to home.”
I jerked in my seat. “When have we ever talked about this?”
“You mentioned Auburn.”
“Yeah, years ago. Things change, or haven’t you noticed?”
Daddy’s nostrils flared before he took a heavy gulp from his drink. He sat it down slowly, then calmly said, “I need you at home during college to take care of Cara for me. I don’t have the time to cart her everywhere.”
“I don’t need a babysitter,” Cara slipped in.
“Cara?” I barked, clearly not feeling the calm vibe Daddy tried to fill the room with. “That’s your excuse? I’m not her parent, you are.”
Daddy narrowed his eyes.
“I’d thought about commuting to Auburn, but that was also when I was ten and wanted to be a vet. Things. Change. Do you even know what I want to go to school for? Have you ever bothered to ask about anything? About how we’re handling life?”
“Cal …”
“Cal, what?”
“I don’t have time to get into this—”
“That’s right,” I interrupted. “You never have time because you never make time. It’s little wonder why Momma left, but Cara and I don’t get out that easy.”
When Daddy got to his feet, I was already on mine. “You are way out of line, Calvin. What’s between me and your momma is none of your business.”
“Are you serious? You’ve made it my business. Cara’s too. We know every fuckin’ thing about your business. You won’t shut up about it, and neither will Momma. The only time we ever hear from either of you is when you’re bitchin’ about each other.”
“Go to your room,” Daddy snapped. “I’ll not be disrespected in my own house like this.”
I threw my napkin down and slid my chair out of the way with a scrape across the floor. “Software engineer, just so you know. I want to create software and applications, maybe video games. I want to get out of this fuckin’ town and away from you.”
With the final word, I rushed from the table before he could see the tears and tore off to my room, slamming the door because I could.
Fuck him.
Fuck. Him.
I slumped to the floor with my back against the bed and let the emotions fall like rain.
No matter how mad I’d been, I shouldn’t have shouted at him.
Cara had been uncomfortable, bowing her head near the end, and it had solved nothing.
I swallowed hard and tilted my head against the mattress.
Exploding like that shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone, least of all me.
The good guy was bound to have a breaking point. Was this mine?
The joints in my hands ached from being clenched tightly. I shouldn’t have yelled at Daddy. Breath left my lungs in a rush as shame settled in. I was better than that, or I always had been.
Fuck, it was just all this shit. Sasha, my parents, the fights in school, I never got a break. I was always fucking on. No one listened. Everyone expected something from me, and it was getting hard to know what it was. Or maybe I knew, and it was getting harder to be the person they thought I was.
I didn’t want to let anyone down. What Daddy said had been valid. He was busy and needed help with Cara, but Jesus, why did that mean I had to put myself on hold? Momma wasn’t that far away. Why couldn’t she pick up the slack and be Momma again?
I opened my eyes and swiped at them. Crying on the floor wasn’t solving anything either, that was for damned sure. “Fuuuck. God, I don’t need this shit.”
Do you ever feel like this is it, this is the moment when you’re going to blow the fuck up, just implode your whole life?
The words sat unsent. One small move of my thumb, and they’d be gone, delivered to the one person I wanted to soothe the ache right now and hated that I did.
Was this last interaction with Jack my limit on sanity?
With a huff, I deleted the message, dropped my phone to the floor, and closed my eyes as pressure pounded behind them.
Our last game was tomorrow. We hadn’t made state or even regionals.
It’d be the last time I’d run out on that field as a high school football star.
The last time I’d probably ever be truly good at something, cheered on, congratulated, but it’d be empty.
On the inside, under that helmet and hiding in those pads, would be a fucked-up version of me.
Confused and aimless.
And no surprise, we lost.
I ran off the field, every bit the loser my mind told me I was, and there stood Jack. He leaned against the fence while Ty talked to a cheerleader, but there was no doubt his eyes were on me. Something sparked in his expression, something that gave me chills. A promise.
A promise of more kissing? More cornering me and blanking my mind with his fire?
Okay. I could work with that.
Maybe this wasn’t the god-awful moment I’d imagined but a new beginning of sorts.
No one partied that night, choosing to end our season in their own way.
Instead of dwelling on the loss, I sent a few texts to the team, boosting morale, then convincing them to go with me to the first day of the soccer invitational Jack would be in.
I’d done my homework. This weekend marked their last games as the fall season wrapped.
The Stewart United FC had a great run and deserved more support from our school with so many of our seniors on the team.
Saturday morning, my backyard barely visible with fog hanging so heavy in the air, I stood next to my truck with Nick, Michael, Jamie, and Asher as we waited for Cara and Kitty before heading to the soccer park.
The quiet moment lent to a feeling of security and privacy, and I blurted the details about mine and Sasha’s breakup. I told them it’d been weeks ago, and she wasn’t letting it die.
“I’m not sure what to do anymore. She kept calling Cara, harassing her, so I unblocked her on my phone and then had to block her on all of Cara’s social media accounts. She won’t quit.”
“Scary,” Jamie said.
“Toxic as shit,” Nick agreed. “You tell your folks?”
“Daddy wouldn’t listen if I tried,” I scoffed.
Nick snorted and patted my shoulder. “Well, damn, dude, no wonder you’ve been all doom and gloom.”
“Eh, there’s more.”
Asher smirked, but I wouldn’t ask him how he knew what I was about to say. Because he did, he always did. He had fate’s ear or some shit.
“I’m, uh, maybe-sorta-almost-assuredly into a guy,” I rushed in one long exhale.
After a long, so, so, so long silence, so long that I almost buried myself under my truck, Nick said, “I don’t know how to respond to that.”
“Uh.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “You don’t have to, I guess?”
“You fucking with us?”
I braced my hands on my hips, unsure if this was going to be an issue. “No.”
“Who?”
I shook my head. “Not you.”
Nick paced away and back. “Seriously?”
“What? Are you pissed it’s not you? Jesus.”
Michael snickered.
Asher stepped to my side and threw an arm over my shoulders. “That’s awesome, man.”
“Th-thanks.” That felt kinda good.
“Why have I known you since seventh grade and only now finding this out?” Nick asked.
“Well, I didn’t know until now.”
“When?”
“Definitively? Wednesday.” Jack’s hand on my dick, eliciting all sorts of sounds I’d never own up to? Yup. That had sealed it in my mind.
Nick stared, completely blank, then snorted a laugh, and the tension in my shoulders broke. He nodded a few times, then said, “He into you?”
I shrugged. “Not sure, but we kissed.” Heat hit my face, and I took a deep breath, stunned I’d admitted that.
“Hell yeah.” Asher high-fived me.
Somewhere in all this, Jamie got closer to Michael, who had opened his posture, almost protective of his stepbrother, though they’d barely moved at all.
“So I’m guessing you liked it?” Nick cocked his head. “That’s what made you sure?”
“Yeah, I did. A lot.”
“And this happened at school?” he asked.
I nodded.
Nick chuckled. “Damn. Whoever this kid is, he’s got some balls.”
Well aware of that fact.
“That’s what counts, right?” Jamie asked. “You liked it, and you’re both brave as fuck.”
I nodded again. “Yeah. Suppose so.”
“Don’t seem so enthusiastic,” Asher laughed.
“What if I liked it too much?”
“You’re confusing me now, bro,” Nick said. “Don’t you want to like it?”
“Yeah, but now? Here?” I shook my head. “I guess I imagined a kiss would just make me think, you know? Like, uh, like a play for short yardage.”
Nick laughed. “Yeah? You making this into football analogies?”
“Whatever. It’s just, I dunno, I didn’t expect it to hit me so hard and so fast. I thought I’d get some short gain plays, ease me into the idea of it. But with him … Fuck, he’s the Hail Mary in the end zone.”
“I get it,” Michael said.
“Do you? I’m not sure I do.”
“Dude, you got to drill it down,” Asher said. “It doesn’t matter who is involved, falling for someone can be complicated. Sometimes we get the short plays, the easy shit. Sometimes we get that one person who takes us all the way in one shot. It’s terrifying, so I get that.”
“Yeah, but—”
“But nothin’. You ain’t gotta solve your future right now. Take the damn win, dude.”
The five of us chuckled, and then I straightened and said, “Guys, I’m bi, maybe. I don’t know for sure, but I’m definitely not straight.”
The grins that broke over their faces had my cheeks aching with one in answer. Nick surged toward me and wrapped his long arms around my shoulders.
“Nice, man. Nice.” He nodded as he clapped my back.
It was nice. It felt nice. I’d been dreading admitting that, but why? The first time I’d looked at Jack differently than any other guy, I thought I had to have the answer right then. Fuck that. Life was a work in progress. This win might’ve been small, but shit, I’d still call it amazing.
Cara and Kitty came out of the house then. We piled into vehicles and headed for the complex where the soccer games were held. It wasn’t nearby, and I’d worried the distance would keep most away. Thankfully, word had spread about the kickass team.
We found seats in the bleachers among a large chunk of Hickory Bend students, chatting and laughing as we waited. However, when Jack jetted onto the field, everything became background noise.
Jack’s sweat-soaked hair flapped around his head as he ran.
When he lifted his shirt to wipe sweat from his brow, my dick jerked behind the zipper of my jeans.
I might have groaned a few times when he stopped and propped his hands on his knees.
Chest heaving, my imagination supplied his heavy rasp in my ear.
Back arched, and holy fuck, how I wanted to lick the salt off his spine.
Luckily, the crowd was noisy enough to drown out any sounds I made.
His powerful legs pounded up and down the field, and I was thankful for the oversized hoodie I had on to hide the semi trying desperately to reach full mast despite my efforts to control it.
The players worked well together and won their first game, moving to the next round. The crowd cheered. I cheered. A smile split Jack’s face when he lunged for Ty, jumping and hugging before being swallowed by their entire team. He was mesmerizing, blinding.
After they left the field, Cara insisted we go to them and show our support.
I was hesitant at first. Jack probably wouldn’t want to know I was here.
He was such an enigma. All hot and heavy one second, then hot and pissed another.
From the erection pressed into my ass in the library, I had no doubts he was interested to a degree.
So was my ass. New fantasies about him pile driving me and not the other way around were shocking, but I liked it.
Jack and Ty chatted with other players near the edge of the field. Cara ran ahead of us, squealing her exuberance. Jack did a double take at Cara, then glanced around, hopefully searching for me.
No matter if he was or not, he found me.