Chapter 21
Really, what the hell was I doing?
Ever since the first time, since the basement, the words repeated in my mind like a song I couldn’t get rid of. I’d avoided Cal’s questioning glances, and yeah, there was a big fucking question behind those pretty but sad eyes of his. The same question I didn’t have an answer to.
What started out as a way to get back at him, make him confront the reality between us, to admit we needed to talk after that first kiss, was now just fucking up my head.
But I couldn’t stop.
The hand job had been a shock in the best and worst ways. Yeah, I’d never say getting off didn’t feel great, and with Cal too, but it had also made me want to do things. Do things to him, with him, things that could make me vulnerable and raw.
The look on his face as I’d left the locker room haunted me.
Why had I pushed? Why was I doing this to him? To me?
I didn’t want or need anyone in my life. But that wasn’t as convincing in my head any longer.
So far, Cal hadn’t said a word about us messing around. No lynch mob had come for me. No whispers of us circled the school. And it certainly didn’t seem like kicking it was what he wanted to do with my ass.
So, what? He wanted this too?
He wanted his hands on me again like I wanted my lips on him?
This was no longer physical. No longer a demand from my dick. I needed to own every smile and moan that I wrangled from him. Me.
Rumors might not have spread about what he and I were up to, but others had right after Homecoming.
They said Cal and Sasha broke up, but he’d never said anything.
Not that we shared like that, but … But what?
Had I expected him to? Okay, yeah, I had.
I was in his head as he was in mine; I should know these things.
He should show me these things.
If he were free, I could make him mine.
But would I? Would I take that chance on him?
Everything had changed now. With him unattainable, I couldn’t be hurt.
With me pushing him to admit he was hot for dick, even a little, I wasn’t the one who’d be letting my guard down, opening myself up for someone else to see inside.
If I made a play for him, I’d be in that same place as two years ago.
I’d take a chance on a jock, and this time, I might not make it out of the crushed dream with only a scar, but with a broken heart too.
“This was your doing, wasn’t it?”
I turned with the first word and stared blankly at Sasha’s narrowed eyes. In a rare moment, I stood in the hallway, late to class because I’d been too in my head, and found myself alone with none other than Cal’s rumored ex.
Sasha grinned when I glanced left and right.
“Looking for Ty? What? Can’t handle little ole me without your brother for backup?”
Her assumption was fair. Ty and I were hardly ever seen without each other, but she had no idea what she was talking about. We were best friends. Ty had an older brother complex he liked to flex, which I didn’t mind because he kept me grounded.
However, her words were very telling. She’d waited to get me alone like this. If Sasha expected some big explosion, she’d be waiting a long time. A long time I didn’t have to be here for. Nor did I want to be.
Keeping my expression as bored as possible—and I was really good at it—I closed my locker and walked off.
Fuck you, Sasha. Even in an alternate universe, I’d never feel anything other than contempt for her.
I couldn’t prove it, but I was sure she’d hurt Cal.
She’d been slick, that was for sure, but she’d made him miserable.
My only thought in regard to her was how much I wanted to lick the wounds she’d caused until he forgot about them.
“Don’t walk away from me. You’ve got a lot to answer for.”
I ignored her, of course, but—the fuck? A prick of unease tingled at the back of my neck. Answer for what? What did she think she knew about me?
Like an annoying fly that wouldn’t take the hint in a room full of swatting hands, Sasha kept pace with me as I headed to class, buzzing the whole fucking way.
“If it wasn’t for your little spat with Cal, he’d never have been so distracted. He’d never have stopped paying attention to me.”
Someone was jealous.
Sasha fisted my sleeve in her small hand and yanked me to a stop. “I’m talkin’ to you.”
I leaned toward her, keeping my voice low when I wanted to scream in her face. “And? You think just because you speak, I have to listen? That’s not how the world works.” I straightened and pulled my shirt free. “Better get used to it.”
“You ruined my relationship, Jack Rutledge. You and your stupid feud with the football players.”
“Upset you’ve lost your whipping boy?” I asked, bluffing with my assumptions of her treatment of him.
She narrowed her eyes as red tinged her cheeks. “You’ve got some nerve.” Her little five-foot frame shook as if she might be gearing up to hit me. “Of the two of us, who’s been in trouble for fighting? And the school knows less than half of it. You’ve bullied him, attacked him.”
I snorted, but fuck, that hit the mark. “You don’t know shit. Cal can take care of himself,” I said with a little less surety than I’d have liked.
Sasha’s heels clicked as she hurried after me when I rounded a corner. Eyes straight ahead, she wasn’t even in my periphery as she chased. Get a clue, bitch. I’m not giving in to whatever this is.
“I don’t know why you even care. You haven’t won. Cal will always be mine.”
Don’t react. She doesn’t know shit. She just needs an outlet or something.
“This distraction will end. You’ll see. Football season is over, and he won’t care about you or your rivalry.”
I kept my smile to a quick quirk of my lips. From the sound of it, she hadn’t figured out I’d been cornering Cal and blowing his mind. No, she just thought he was getting too wrapped up in the competition, the fight between our teams, and she’d been set aside.
Wait, was she right? I reached the door to my classroom and froze.
Cal might be the nice guy everyone claimed, but he had a competitive streak a mile wide.
Had I judged this wrong? Was I the distraction?
After the camp this weekend, we wouldn’t have any reason to be in each other’s faces. Would all of this be over?
Sasha laughed. The pitch of her voice was worse than the buzz of wings near my ear.
“Yeah. You’ve figured it out, huh?” She stepped closer, my skin crawling with her nearness.
“I’m the only one who understands him. Cal needs a cause, you see?
He needs to be mentally challenged, and whatever hold you had on him has expired. ”
The click of her heels quieted with her withdrawal, but I stood at the door, hand reaching for the knob as I internally growled in frustration. She couldn’t be right, but I had enough self-doubt over what I wanted, what I could risk giving to Cal, that her words had done the trick.
“Hello and welcome to the Athletic Leadership Camp. I’m Head Counselor Adam Vaughn. You can call me Adam or AV, either way.”
I glanced at Ty beside me as we waited in a crowd of guys from schools in the region for this introduction to the sports camp we were volunteered for. Nick stood on Ty’s other side, with Cal too far from me on the end. I wasn’t thrilled for this weekend, but Ty was unusually pumped.
“You okay?” I whispered.
“Yeah. This is awesome. We get two whole days to fuck up some little dudes.”
A guy in front of us turned around. “That’s not the point of this,” Complete Rando said.
“You do you, man,” Ty answered, not at all concerned as he bounced on his toes.
“In a few moments, me and the other veteran counselors will show you to your cabins.” Adam—I refused to call this man AV—chuckled. “They aren’t big, just enough room for beds and a bathroom, but you won’t spend much time in them anyway.”
He went on explaining the basic plan for the weekend as other counselors handed flyers to us with the same agenda listed.
I halfway paid attention but mostly leaned around Ty’s back so I could sneak peeks at Cal.
He should be all over this sort of thing.
So far, I’d been completely mistaken. The four of us had driven a little over two hours after school to get here, and during that time, he was just as he was now. Sullen. Taciturn. I didn’t like it.
Tonight, we had the meet and greet, and tomorrow, we started bright and early with hundreds of kids ages seven to fifteen.
Every hour from sunup to sundown was planned with games designed to teach kids how to be team players and lead by example, not just in sports, but using it as a way to get through to them, get them listening.
I supposed it had good intentions, and this would look great on my college application.
I hadn’t messed with Cal since Monday, and an itchy Cal-withdrawal had crawled under my skin. I didn’t like that either. I didn’t want to need him like some Cal junkie.
Cal dropped his chin for the twentieth time, sniffed, swallowed hard, then glanced toward the front as the head counselor kept on about whatever.
Somewhere between the evil glares, the heated words, the shoving away, and then pulling him closer, the crush I wanted dissolved hadn’t, and in fact, it had deepened.
Sasha’s claims from earlier kept me on edge, and though I thought I knew Cal, maybe I didn’t.
Maybe she’d been right, and Cal was standing here fucked-up because he’d cheated on his girlfriend with a guy all for the sake of competition.
Maybe he regretted everything.
Maybe I’d pushed too far.
After the meeting, we were encouraged to mingle with the other guys from the various schools. I wandered aimlessly, not realizing I was following Ty as he made new friends until he stopped suddenly, jerked his head toward the exit, then marched out of the building.