Chapter 19
ALEX
IndexEcho: If you could do anything, what would it be?
DrunkenPoet: There’s an old building near my sister’s place. I dream about turning it into something amazing.
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Sleeping with Judd Kincaid was my delicious, forbidden secret. And I was giddy with it.
I’d slept over at his place three separate times in as many weeks. In fact, the entire month of October seemed to be Kincaid-themed. Or maybe sex-themed.
Did it matter? Was there a difference?
Giving Will the polite brush-off had been hard, only because he was such a sweet guy. I didn’t want to burn that bridge, considering the thing with Kincaid was clearly only temporary, but at the same time, I wasn’t willing to give up sex with Judd to start dating Will.
There was no question whatsoever. I’d take sleeping with the fire chief over dating the boy next door any day of the week.
Unfortunately, Judd and I were both still slammed with work, which meant once-a-week hookups were about the best we could do, especially if we didn’t want anyone finding out about what we were doing.
And I definitely did not.
“Will said you blew him off,” Ella snapped at me over breakfast at the Pinecone one morning. “Tell me why.”
“No.” I took another bite of bacon. It was crisp, salty, and perfect in every way.
She opened her mouth, turned to Tommy and his boyfriend, Foster, and then stared back at me. “You have to.”
“Do not,” I said.
Tommy leaned toward me. “Right, but like… just out of curiosity, what’s wrong with the guy?”
Foster nodded as if it was obvious that something had to be.
“Nothing. He’s great.”
The three of them waited for me to say more. I took another bite of French toast instead.
Ella cradled her coffee mug and stared into it as if summoning courage from its depths before looking back up at me. “You have to tell me because of the sibling code.”
I tapped my chin with my index finger. “I declare myself in contempt of the sibling code and sentence myself to… gosh, was it five weeks of isolation from family? That seems harsh, but okay.”
Tommy muttered under his breath, “Mattie’s wedding,” to remind me I was shit out of luck on getting five weeks’ reprieve.
“Fuck,” I said, reaching for a sip of coffee. “Oh well, two weeks will have to suffice.”
Ella smacked my arm. “Be serious. Poor Will is devastated.”
I mock-frowned at her. “Is he? Because I saw his jeep in Monroe’s driveway a week ago. Didn’t seem like the kind of thing someone would do during a mourning phase, but I could be wrong.”
I was secretly glad Kincaid’s driveway was at the end of a dead-end road and hidden by pine trees.
Foster grinned. “There are worse ways to mourn.”
Tommy elbowed him.
“What, baby? Read a sad story and I’ll show you.” Foster chuckled as Tommy tried to elbow him again. He failed because Foster grabbed him and kissed him instead, pulling back and smacking his lips. “Mmm, coffee with my favorite flavoring on it. Marian flavor.”
Ella and I shuddered and groaned. “Make Foster do your five weeks,” Ella said, flicking her hand in his face. “Gross.”
Foster shot me a look after his laughter died down. “I figure you’ve got something going with someone else and that’s why you shot Will down.”
Ella’s face lit up in delight before falling in pity. “Oh honey… is this about IndexEcho? Are you having a hard time moving on? Still? I think it’s time for you to call your therapist again.”
I opened my mouth to say no, that I was completely over Index, when I realized it wasn’t true. Even though I knew he was gone, I still cared about him deeply and worried I’d never have the same kind of emotional and intellectual connection with someone else.
“Maybe so,” I said. Because I didn’t want her trying to set me up with someone else as long as I was still sleeping with Kincaid.
And I didn’t want any remaining vestige of my hang-up on Index to mess with my ability to enter into a new relationship…
preferably with the grumpy fire chief, if I could ever get him to consider me as more than a hookup.
The following night, after being greeted at Kincaid’s door by a wet fire chief wrapped in only a towel, I fell on my knees in gratitude and expressed it orally and thoroughly.
An hour later, after he’d returned the favor and bundled me up in a blanket on his sofa while he devoured the pizza I’d brought him, I told him about the conversation at the cafe.
“I told my sister I was still hung up on an old flame,” I admitted. “And that’s why I turned down another date with Will.”
He peered at me from the other end of the sofa, where he was holding a paper plate and pizza slice above where my feet were making a home on his lap. “And are you? Still hung up on the guy from your past?”
I hesitated. “Sort of? I fell for him, hard. It’s silly because we didn’t know each other that well, but… we had an amazing connection.”
“What happened to him?”
It was strange talking to Judd about something personal. It seemed like I was breaking the rules, only… I wasn’t quite sure whose rules.
“He was the firefighter who died,” I whispered. “The one I told you about.”
Judd’s head swiveled to me in surprise. “Shit, Alex. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize the two of you were together.”
I didn’t correct him because I felt like if I admitted we hadn’t actually been together, he’d think my grief at losing the man was an overreaction.
“I’m trying very hard to be over him,” I admitted. “But it’s not as easy as it sounds. And I… I guess what I’m really not over is this fear that it could happen again. That I might fall for someone, and just when things are going amazing…” I broke off with a headshake.
I’d never admitted that out loud before, not even in my own brain, and part of me couldn’t believe I’d just admitted it now. To him. I laughed softly. “Boy, I am a barrel of laughs tonight, huh? Anyway—” I tried to shift my feet, to put a little distance between us.
Judd laid a hand on my ankle, holding me in place. His expression was surprisingly empathetic. “I know exactly how you feel. It’s similar when you’ve been ghosted by someone you cared for deeply.”
“The ex,” I said knowingly. “Do you… do you want to talk about it?”
“Maybe later. Right now, I want to ask how the fuck you’re still a virgin when you were dating a firefighter.
We’re not known for being timid misses.” He winked and took a final bite of pizza before leaning forward to toss his plate on top of the pizza box.
Then he sat back and reached for my foot to begin rubbing it.
“Oh, I… well…” I felt my cheeks get hot the way they always did when we spoke of my lack of experience. I didn’t want to admit I’d never met my “lost firefighter” in person, so I hedged. “I guess I wasn’t ready. I was young, too. It was a while ago. In my early twenties.”
He nodded. “Losing someone so young is hard. I can see why you didn’t date for a long time after.”
“That… and moving to Legacy to start Timber.”
“Yeah, tell me more about that. I know it’s a historic building and you spent time renovating before opening.”
I launched into one of my favorite topics: the LGBTQ history of the Timber building. We ended up talking for a long time until I happened to mention Mattie’s upcoming wedding.
“You don’t sound excited for her,” Kincaid said. “Is the guy a dud?”
“No, god no. We like him a lot. I just… I haven’t left Timber for that long before, and I know it’s going to be hard.”
Kincaid lifted an eyebrow. “You a little controlling, Marian? Is that it?”
“Says the guy who commanded me to choke on his cock an hour ago,” I said, nudging him in the gut with my toes.
His laughter made all of my shoulder muscles loosen, and I found myself relaxing even further into his sofa.
“Hey, some of the most controlling people like to give it up in bed. It can be freeing.” His eyebrows bounced. “Want me to free you, Firebug?”
He ran his hand up the leg of my pants, his warm palm massaging my calf enough to make my cock perk up.
“Honestly, I want to very badly, but I’m about two blinks away from becoming one with your sofa,” I murmured. “My dick says yes, please, while my eyes say g’night. So I should probably go now before I fall asleep at the wheel.”
“You’re not going anywhere this late while you’re sleepy. Let’s go.”
He pushed my feet off his lap and stood, reaching for my hand and pulling me up beside him. Then he half-carried me to bed.
Once we were snuggled together in the cold sheets, I thought of something. Kincaid had always low-key panicked about me driving at night.
“Did your parents die in a car accident?” I asked in a soft voice.
He paused for a moment. “No. House fire.”
I felt a wave of prickly numbness wash over me, leaving me dizzy. “Judd.” What else was there to say? “Judd.” This time, it came out high-pitched and emotional.
His arms tightened around me. “It was a long time ago, Alex.”
I shifted up so I could bury my face in his neck. “I’m so fucking sorry,” I said, feeling and hearing the thickness in my throat. “Were you…” I couldn’t even say the words.
“In the house? Yeah. Obviously, I got out. They didn’t.” He touched the scars on his arm, and I realized they weren’t from his job. It was the other way around. He had the job because he’d been through something terrible. Unimaginable.
“No,” I breathed. “Oh, god. Baby, no. I’m so fucking sorry,” I said again.
Tears came unbidden, and I let them fall.
It was kind of silly and certainly unexpected, but all I could picture was a scared boy all alone in a fire and then all alone in the world.
If only my family had known, they would have taken him in.
They would have moved heaven and earth to give him a home. A family.
Kincaid’s hands moved up and down my back as if I were the one who needed consoling. “It’s okay. I promise.”
“It’s not. It’s not okay. It’s so fucking unfair.” My voice was ragged with frustration and tears. “And please stop comforting me when you’re the one who experienced the loss. I just… I wish I could have been there to take it all away from you somehow.”
He pressed a kiss into my hair, and when he spoke, I could hear the smile in his voice. “Shh. You would have been an egg. And eggs aren’t much help in a fire.”
I lifted my head and kissed him desperately, eager to give him all the care now that I couldn’t have given him then. He let out a soft laugh and then a groan of pleasure. His hands moved along my back and down to my ass and back up into my hair. Like he couldn’t get enough of me.
Like he was happy just kissing me.
I fell asleep that night feeling spent. But also knowing there was no way this was just physical anymore. Not for me.
And I suspected not for Judd Kincaid either.
Because I might be an almost-virgin, but even I knew hookups didn’t hold you while you cried.