Chapter 42
Drake
It’s official.
I’m Amelia.
I’ve spent the last week or two resenting my previous rider for lying. For her actions. And now I get it. I totally get how it feels to be in love with someone and to not have those feelings returned. Amelia acted out of character, just like I have been. The similarities are too stark to ignore.
I almost want to call my ex-rider to apologize to her for my lack of understanding.
I spilled my guts to Harlow, and she kissed me, then things turned hot and heavy really quickly. It doesn’t mean she feels the same. I’ve been going over our conversation, and she never admitted to feeling a single thing for me.
I think Harlow finds me attractive. I think she enjoys the sex, but I’m not so sure that she feels the same way about me as I do about her.
She just got out of a relationship. She made it clear she wasn’t looking to get into anything new so soon. Those were her exact words when we talked about that asshole Miles. She’s healing. The last thing she needs is me dumping my feelings on her.
I tried to keep my emotions in lockdown, and I failed spectacularly.
The crazy part is that I didn’t even realize I was developing feelings for her.
In hindsight, it was clear. The rage I felt when Hammer looked at her.
The way my dragon practically clawed through my skin to protect her.
The constant pull I feel toward her, like gravity itself has shifted to make her the center of my world.
I’m not sure how I missed it. Or how it happened, only that it did.
I’m royally fucked.
Fucked if she does feel the same way and fucked if she doesn’t. If she does, we’re breaking every rule that matters. If she doesn’t, I’m going to spend the rest of our time working together wanting something I can never have. Just like Amelia did with me.
I stop walking and force myself to panic more slowly. To take deep breaths. I’ve never panicked in my whole life. This is another first for me, and I don’t like it. I don’t like any of it.
My heart is hammering against my ribs. My palms are actually sweating. Dragon shifters don’t get nervous sweats. Apparently, falling for your rider changes all of that. It changes everything.
I spend a few minutes pulling myself together and then walk to her door. Each step feels like I’m walking toward either salvation or destruction. I’m not sure which.
It takes me a full minute of trying to force myself to knock before I finally do. I’m a complete pussy.
It doesn’t take long before the door opens, and there she is.
She’s wearing shorts and a T-shirt. Her face is devoid of makeup. Her hair is loose, falling past her shoulders in dark waves. She looks fucking stunning, as always. My hands itch to reach for her. To pull her into my arms, to bury my face in her hair and just breathe her in, but I don’t.
“Hi,” she says.
“Hi,” I say back.
She gives me a look I can’t quite decipher. “I didn’t think you’d come.”
“I said I would.”
“You also said you’d be cordial, but you sucked at that,” she tells me, and there’s the faintest hint of a smile playing at her lips.
“True.” I nod, feeling the start of a smile tug at my own mouth.
She moves out of the way and lets me in. I step past her, catching her scent, which makes my dragon rumble in my chest.
I’m so damned fucked here.
“Can I get you something to drink?” she offers, heading toward the small kitchenette.
I decline with a shake of my head. I need to talk. To get this out and to find out her feelings so that I can move forward one way or the other.
I’m dying here.
We go and sit on her sofa. She’s perched as far away from me as she can get, pressed against the armrest like she’s trying to maintain distance.
This is bad.
So fucking bad.
I’m tempted to tell her to forget everything I told her earlier.
That I didn’t mean a word. That we can go back to being a mind-bond team.
That I’ll be cordial. But I will never be cordial.
It’s not who I am. I’m done running from this.
I’m so done that I’m not done at all. Not done with her.
Not done with this. Not by a long shot. I only pray she feels the same.
“I meant every word I said earlier,” I tell her, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees. “I’ve been in denial. I couldn’t face the facts. I know this must be hard for you to hear and to understand, but…” I suck in a deep breath. “I’m not fully human…” I start to say.
“I had noticed,” she says.
I want to smile so badly, but I hold it back. The one side of my mouth might have accidentally quirked up, but hey, I’m part human after all.
“What that means is that I feel things more acutely,” I continue, forcing myself to maintain eye contact. “I feel things more on an instinctual level as well. More…” I don’t know how to explain this without sounding insane. “I don’t know, Harlow. I don’t want to scare you.”
“You’re not scaring me,” she tells me.
This female. Fuck! No wonder she has completely unraveled me.
“What my instincts are telling me is that you’re the one for us,” I say, the words tumbling out before I can stop them.
“My dragon and me. He knew before I did. It took me a little while to catch up.” I run a hand through my hair.
“I shouldn’t have said all of this. I’m going to scare you away before I even have you. ”
“You’re still not scaring me.”
“I’m not?” I give her a half-smile that quickly disappears. I’m not over the line yet. Not by a long shot.
“No.”
I lean forward, closing some of the distance between us.
“Good. I’m glad.” I pull in a deep breath.
“I’m putting my heart on my sleeve here, Harlow.
I’m so…I’m so tied up in knots when it comes to you.
I’ve never had this happen before. I don’t really know what to do about it.
What to make of it.” The confession feels raw, like I’m flaying myself open.
“I denied it. Ignored it. Ignored you. I tried to make it go away, but it didn’t work.
I’m falling for you. I’m falling so fast my head is spinning.
You need to say something before I lose it. ”
“I wasn’t sure whether you were lying to me or not…after…what happened earlier,” she says quietly. “You only confessed your feelings after I said I was leaving.”
Anger and hurt well up in me so fast I can barely breathe.
They crash over me like a wave, stealing the air from my lungs.
My dragon roars in my chest, furious at the implication.
The idea that she thinks I would manipulate her like that, that I would lie about something this important just to keep her here, cuts deeper than any blade could.
“That isn’t it—” I start to say, my voice rough.
“I know.” She moves closer to me, and the anger drains away as quickly as it came.
“I know that now. I’m just telling you how I felt after I left your office.
I was unsure, but – and it’s a very big but – I know you.
I trust you. I’ve seen you wrestle with this.
I didn’t understand before, but I do now. I get it.”
She cups my jaw, and the simple touch grounds me. Centers me. Makes everything else fade away.
“I feel the same, Drake,” she says, and my heart stops.
It actually stops for a few beats. “I might be human, but I get it. I felt the connection to your dragon. Now I feel the connection to you, too. I felt it quickly. It’s there and it’s real.
I can’t deny it.” She stops herself, biting her lip.
“The problem we face is that having a relationship is forbidden. Not only am I your rider, but you’re the Academy leader and a Council member.
What are we going to do? How will this ever work?
” She blinks a few times, and I realize that she’s trying not to cry.
“I can’t see a way forward where things will work out. ”
“We’ll make it work,” I tell her. “I’m tempted just to tell my mentor, Reed,” I say. “You’ve met her. We get along. I trust her.”
“No, don’t!” There is alarm in her voice.
“I do think we should wait a little while before I go and see her,” I say. “In less than three weeks, I will be over my probationary period.”
“You’re still on probation?” She lifts her brows, surprise evident on her face.
“Yep.” I nod. “It’ll be easy for the rest of the Council to vote me out right now. It would only take twenty percent in favor. Once I’m a fully fledged member, it would have to be fifty percent.”
“I’m sure if we’re careful, we can make it a couple of weeks,” she says, eyes lifting for a moment in thought. “Then you can tell your mentor, and we can take it from there.”
“Exactly.”
“In the meantime, we might have to keep our distance. In fact, I think we should.”
“Not happening.” I shake my head. The very idea makes my dragon rage.
“We could get caught,” she says, her eyes going wide. “You saw what happened with Ash and Dani.”
“I don’t care. I’m not keeping my distance from you. I’m done keeping my distance.”
“You do good work, Drake. I don’t want to jeopardize—”
“I won’t be able to stay away,” I interrupt. “I refuse. I can’t. Not anymore.”
“I…” She pauses, studying my face. “As long as you’re sure.”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything.” I smile, and it feels like the first genuine smile I’ve given anyone in weeks.
She smiles back, and my heart cracks open. Just splits right down the middle and lets her in completely.
“It’ll mean getting good at sneaking around,” she says.
“I’m good at sneaking around.” I laugh. “I might need to gag you during sex, though.”
Her eyes actually darken a smidgen. “I’m down with that. Just don’t leave me in limbo again. I need you to communicate with me.”
“I will. I swear.”
“And for the love of God, don’t punch anyone. If something like that happens again, they’ll know for sure.”
“Noted. Talking about that day… There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you,” I say.
“Really?” she asks, leaning in slightly, looking unsure.
“Yes.” I nod.
“What would that be?” she cocks her head.
“I’m impressed with how well you swim. You kicked some serious ass,” I tell her.
She laughs, the sound bright. I love hearing it. I want to make her laugh all the time. In fact, I’m going to make it a goal.
“I’ve always been clumsy on land, so I decided I would swim. I took to it.”
“It’s sexy,” I tell her.
She laughs again, and I want to record that sound somehow. Bottle it up.
“Your climbing skills, too,” I add.
Her smile is broad; she shakes her head, her cheeks turning a little pink.
“That swimsuit…” I shake my head, a smile playing on my lips. “I could almost forgive Hammer for not being able to take his eyes off you.”
“You liar.” She laughs, and the sound fills the small space between us.
“You’re right,” I admit. “He’d better keep his eyes averted.”
“I have a feeling he will.”
We look at each other for a while. I love looking at this female. The way her pretty-as-fuck chestnut eyes catch the light. The way her lips curve when she’s trying not to smile. The way a strand of her dark hair falls across her face, and I have to resist the urge to tuck it behind her ear.
All of it.
I cup her chin, tilting her face up toward mine. “I’d like to make love to you now, Harlow Santos. Then I’d like to sleep in your bed, wrapped in your arms for the next few hours before sneaking back to my bungalow.” I pause, searching her face. “Are you afraid yet?”
“Not even close,” she whispers. “You don’t scare me.”
One of the many things I love about her. Harlow knows how to stand up to me. She’s fucking fearless.
We kiss, and it’s different this time. Not the desperate, frantic need we’ve shared before. This is slower. Deeper. A promise of something more.
I stand, picking her up and holding her close. She feels right in my arms. Like she was made to fit against me.
I carry her toward the bedroom, and for the first time in a week, I feel like I can finally breathe, even though I am well aware that this could come crashing down in an instant.
I try not to think about any of that. Not right now.